Dating situation - need perspectives

[PawgKing]

Need Relationship Advice: Confusing Dating Situation - Did I Overreact or Was It Justified?

 

I met a girl ("J") in November 2022, and things have been quite perplexing since then. Here's a brief timeline:

- We met in November 2022, but she ghosted me.

- She hooked up with a few other guys during that time.

- We crossed paths again on June 2nd, 2023, and both forgot about our prior meeting. She flaked on our initial date, ghosted me again, and I followed her on Instagram.

- She responded to a dm slide message in July.

- We began dating for 3 months (but weren't committed) from August 5th until now.

- However, three weeks ago I found out she lied about not having sex with someone else after our second meeting in June and got with a married guy.

- In response, I distanced myself and had a one-night stand a few days ago. I realized I still wanted to be with her and tried to repair with her yesterday and today.

 

Now, she's unwilling to forgive me for my actions, arguing that we hadn't hung out yet which made it ok for her to reject me and have sex with someone else (twice), but she says it's wrong because we have had a few dates at this point. I disagree because we weren't ever committed and I basically stopped responding to her leading up to me hooking up with the other girl. My perspective is that she didn't give me a chance to connect with her, and didn't allow me to set any boundaries (which is smart tactic as a girl-player), but I think it's just as hurtful if she had hooked up with someone after we had hung out for a while, and then to find out she lied about it from the start when I told her the timeline was important because how how she had previously treated me. If I had known about the second time I wouldn't have been with her at all.

What are your thoughts on this situation?  Any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated. How do I deal with her friends? She's also talking negatively about me to her friends, that are in our social group.

[basil67]

It doesn’t matter if you have a good reason, a bad reason or no reason at all - she does not have to forgive you if she doesn’t want to.   In your shoes, I’d recognise that this is a complete and utter mess and walk away from her.

With her talking bad about you to her friends which are in your group, I’d go to your closest friend in that group and talk over the situation with them  

Also, your understanding of boundaries is wrong.  Your boundaries are yours to enforce and you don’t need anybody’s permission to set them.  Of course having boundaries also means that you need to have the courage to act if they are crossed no matter what the other person thinks of your decision.  

Edited November 7, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, PawgKing said:

We began dating for 3 months (but weren't committed).  I distanced myself and had a one-night stand a few days ago. 

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like you were dating exclusively and shared TMI about your relationship and sexual history. 

It seems seem like you're not compatible or get along very well. You seem to both want to date others and simply can't agree on whatever type of situationship you want. 

Try to distance yourself. Just walk away with dignity. Please stop using other people for one night stands for revenge. In fact please stop using people  and playing games altogether and your life will be a lot less complicated. 

Stop and reflect what type of relationship you're looking for. This one has too much bad blood to go forward.  Be polite with her and any mutual friends, but consider deciding what types of relationships and women you are looking for. 

Edited November 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

I think if you were both into each other none of the outer stuff (hook-ups, etc.) would have happened.

Neither of you were sure if you wanted something real with each other and seemed to have just put each other off as a rebound kind of thing, which obviously as you've come to realize doesn't make for a good foundation in a relationship.

If she ghosted you twice and got with other guys during the time you were seeing each other, it's clear she wasn't taking you or the relationship seriously.

How come you were dating for 3 months but not committed in the first place? That right there tells me you guys weren't on the same page, and that's a recipe for disaster.

Your one night stand was a knee-jerk reaction to finding out about her actions, and while I understand your hurt and anger, it wasn't the mature way to handle things.

She's not much better. Instead of trying to one-up each other, step back and evaluate if this relationship is truly worth pursuing. There's too much bad blood, and it's only been a few months. Is it really worth trying to repair? And even if you do forgive each other, how will you trust each other moving forward? You both clearly have some communication and trust issues that need to be addressed, and it might be better to address them separately rather than trying to fix them together in this particular situation.

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't sound like she wants a relationship.  She liked being fancy free & didn't get a hoot about you.  You didn't get the message & chased her.  She toyed with you some more & is now causing drama because you didn't lay down at her feet for her to walk all over you. 

Why do you want to be in a relationship with a person like this?  

[Gaeta]

She ghosts, she flakes, she has multiple hook-ups, she  lies and that's the woman you want to be with? Do you silently wish to suffer? because that's all she has to give. Move on. 

[MsJayne]

Not what you want to hear, but you're investing way too much into a woman who's shown you that she's not really interested. By now she's probably done another half dozen guys and didn't think about you even once while she was doing it. 

On 11/7/2023 at 6:45 PM, PawgKing said:

- We crossed paths again on June 2nd, 2023, and both forgot about our prior meeting. She flaked on our initial date, ghosted me again, and I followed her on Instagram.

I doubt very much that you forgot about your original meeting. Possibly she did because she's self-absorbed and has appalling manners. She's ghosted you twice, trust me on this, if she was even vaguely interested she wouldn't have done that once, let alone twice. My advice is to delete her everywhere so you're not tempted to prowl around her social media or contact her.  As far as her bagging you to people in your social circle, what part of her being a two-faced gossip is attractive to you? Cut your losses and make yourself available to date intelligent women, and maybe in future consider other people's feelings before you sleep with someone for revenge, other people aren't just a convenience put here for our use .