My Punishment 😞

[Nicki007]

In the Christian faith, marriage is a holy sacrament, ordained by God. I am feeling God’s punishment for having a three year emotional affair with a MM. 

This year alone, I have lost & continue to lose everything I worked for in my life, with no end in sight. My health has suffered & my loved ones around me as well. I blame myself for falling for someone who is married. Yes he never told me after almost a year, but I should’ve known better & should’ve walked away when I did regardless and f my emotional attachment. So I deserve EVERY BAD THING that I  am experiencing. I blame myself for intruding on his marriage & any or all the pain I caused him, his wife & family. I cry every day, all day. I beat myself up & feel like a terrible human being. There are days I can’t function & miss work. Not sleeping or eating. God please forgive me.

Yesterday I came across the mutual friend’s Social media account in which there were pictures that was showing how happy they were in loved they seem. It’s been almost 4 months since our 3 year emotional affair ended &  they are doing great. It’s as if nothing ever happened. I feel like do a fool & I sometimes I have to see this man from time to time around town when I’m doing my daily errands & when I he sees me he bolts like he’s seen the devil himself to ignore me.

I’m just so devastated I did this to myself, but I deserve all the hate I get from the locals as long their marriage & family is intact & he still has the respect of his family & the community, is all that matters. Happy they are happy. I wish I could see the light of day to my happiness. Until then I deserve my misery.

I AM NOTHING. I DON’T DESERVE LOVE🥹

 

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I don't believe God works like that but if you do my recommendations are as follows: 

• End the EA which you said you did 4 months ago.  Stop all contact with the other person.   Go NC.  No more looking at his social media.  Block, block, block. 
• Confess to your spouse & beg forgiveness.   If you are single you can skip this step.   You also need try to remember that you are not the one who broke your marital vows. Honestly this may also be one sided; you may be emotionally invested but I see no evidence from your post that he is.  Cut yourself a break. 
• Talk to your spiritual advisor.  If you were Catholic, I'd recommend you go to confession 
• Figure out some appropriate atonement:  tithing, fasting, charitable giving, Bible study, etc.  

Take steps to rebuild your self esteem.  Practice gratitude.  I'm reading a book called the Noonday Devil about sins' it recommends gratitude and hard work as remedies for what ails you spiritually.  

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Nicki007 said:

. I cry every day, all day. I beat myself up & feel like a terrible human being. There are days I can’t function & miss work. Not sleeping or eating. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Please ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

While it's good to acknowledge that the affair was self destructive, this protected grief guilt and especially the insomnia, lack of appetite and uncontrollable sobbing indicates that there's something going on which perhaps led you to this situation in the first place.  Please take care of yourself and your health. 

[mark clemson]

I find "deserve" to be a strange word, given how much arbitrariness there is in the world, how many people experience good things in life without working overly hard for them, how many children live and die early under what many would consider to be awful circumstances, etc.

I too believe in God. I'm honestly not certain your faith (or perhaps your understanding of it) is serving you particularly well if you see the psychological state you describe as something to be expected.

You might consider counseling from a secular counselor for help with your grief/depression and (I would believe) excessive feelings of guilt.

[stillafool]

If you have confessed your sin and asked God for forgiveness, you are forgiven.  You have to now forgive yourself.  Stop looking at his social media or his friends.  You might consider moving.  That will give you a fresh start.

[BaileyB]

On 11/3/2023 at 10:06 AM, Nicki007 said:

This year alone, I have lost & continue to lose everything I worked for in my life, with no end in sight.

What have you lost exactly? Were you discovered and has your husband filed for divorce? Did you work together and have you lost your job?  

Without knowing all the details, I would say that your post seems more than a little melodramatic. I can’t imagine how an emotional affair could cause such despair. As you say, he has moved forward with his life and his family. Perhaps you also need to practice self-forgiveness and do the same… Nothing has happened from which you can not recover - even if you have lost your marriage and/or your job. But, if you berate yourself in this kind of catastrophic self recrimination, you will create your own hell that frankly, seems disproportionate to the actual circumstance. 

If you have not sought counselling, I would suggest that you find a counsellor or talk with your minister. Nobody deserves to suffer in this way, especially if you are causing your own suffering by the rigidity of your own thinking. 

Edited November 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

Four months isn’t long especially after a three year affair. I’d definitely consider counselling and managing your emotions and expectations. Also be realistic about social media and using it responsibly. Block out individuals who have no bearing on your life - have better boundaries. Mute the feeds from “mutual friends” or delete/block them altogether. How mutual really? Do you ever meet these people? Are they at all individuals you spend time with in person? If the answer is no they don’t need to be in your life and staying in contact on social media is irresponsible to your mental health. Be proactive in your own care.