Friend Slept With Guy I Like.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Yes and no. J came to me and said I can see a spark between you too. You've been chatting for ages and I said I know we are getting on well. She knew we where chatting to each other.

Again this was an opportunity for you to say, yes we’ve been getting along well - I’m really interested in him - or something along those lines. She was maybe feeling things out to see how you felt, and when you didn’t indicate you liked him, she assumed you were ambivalent. 
 

Now, to be clear, I don’t know her, you do. Does she have a history of things like this? You considered her a friend so what is it that you like about her?

[Els]

Not sure if this is a cultural thing (you're probably North American, and I'm not), but I don't see any issue whatsoever with a friend sleeping with or even dating a person whom you're not even dating yourself. If you're in a relationship with him then obviously it would be wrong, and if you were dating him but not exclusive then it would be less wrong but still pretty crappy and awkward... but just because you LIKE him (but haven't even gone on a date with him and have no concrete plans to do so)??? That feels so high school-ish to me, "you can't talk to this boy because I have a crush on him". Your friend's actions doesn't change the fact that you don't have anything going on with him at the moment. If you want to change that, I think you should stop getting upset at her, and ask him out on a date.

What if someone is the kind of person who's attracted to 80% of the opposite sex, does their friend have to only date the remaining 20%?

Edited October 31, 2023 by Els

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I can't completely cut her out of my life as we share the same friends group. However I will be taking a step back from meeting my friends in a group setting if she is there. I will do that until I have moved passed my feelings. 

Cut out direct communication with her, absolutely but don't stay home alone if she's going to be there & the group is big enough.   Don't ask your mutual friends to chose but dissuade them from playing peace maker 

[mark clemson]

It seems like she wants to be "friends" with him more than she does with you. C'est la vie. Put on your big girl pants and walk away. No one can (or should try to) force you to remain friends with either of them if you no longer want to. There are other fish in the sea (and other friends too)...

Edited October 31, 2023 by mark clemson

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again this was an opportunity for you to say, yes we’ve been getting along well - I’m really interested in him - or something along those lines. She was maybe feeling things out to see how you felt, and when you didn’t indicate you liked him, she assumed you were ambivalent. 
 

Now, to be clear, I don’t know her, you do. Does she have a history of things like this? You considered her a friend so what is it that you like about her?

Yes she does have a history of it, she tends to get drunk, sloppy and will sleep with just about anyone. I never have or do judge her for it. But she does have a history of it. 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Yes she does have a history of it, she tends to get drunk, sloppy and will sleep with just about anyone

So this obviously wasn't a surprise to you if you know and have witnessed this behavior before.  What is it you like about this girl that has you questioning if you should end this friendship with her?  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Yes she does have a history of it, she tends to get drunk, sloppy and will sleep with just about anyone.

Sorry this happened. She doesn't seem like a good friend in general. She shouldn't have come on to the guy,  but he did turn out to be a creep. 

[glows]

10 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I know and the sad thing is I did see her as a friend, not my best friend but a good friend. We also share the same group of friends so It will be awkward now. Part of me can't help but think is it revenge in a way to something that happened a few year ago. 

About 2/3 years ago we both where talking to a guy. Neither of us knew we where talking to the same guy. We met on tinder. He met me for a date and decided to pursue me and not my friend. We eventually began to date. 

The way we found out was when I introduced him to my group of friends and later that night the guy told me he was talking to my friend at the same time as me and he picked me. Now that I think of it, it could be the reason she did what she did. Maybe to get back at me or maybe she just didn't care enough. 

When I found out about the guy talking to the two of us and picking me I pulled my friend aside and explained if it was awkward I wouldn't bring him to group gatherings as I wanted her to be comfortable as I respected her and our friendship. 

As I was reading through the responses this stopped me and it’s possible she lost regard for you when the other guy chose you over her back then. It may not be revenge but she sees it as a ‘free for all’ - ie if he’s a single man then it’s every woman for herself. 

You did react respectfully and take her into consideration her feelings but the damage may have been done and she’s remembered it as above - basically a meat market and do as one pleases. I don’t think it’s respectful to you, what she did with this Tinder guy you’ve been chatting with for 2 weeks but those are my thoughts and what may likely be the case. 

Since she showed little regard for your feelings, please don’t spend more time worrying about her. It’s very possible that the two experienced a strong attraction and although it feels bad now, imagine if you developed strong feelings for this guy and it was later down the road. He also showed he didn’t care much for you by doing what he did and is probably trying to back out of this three way drama. If they end up dating just be the bigger person and be happy for them. They both are not your problem. You feel stung and hurt and that’s okay. You don’t have to keep her in your life either.

 

Edited November 1, 2023 by glows

[Maldives]

14 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I need some advice as I am torn with whether or not I should be angry or not. 

To give a brief overview. 

I have been chatting to this guy for a weeks, on and off for a bit. My friend R knows him, she invited him out to join myself and my other friends on Saturday night. My friend J, commented earlier in the night that she saw a spark between us as we spent move of the night talking to each other. Fast forward a few hours later, we went to a club, we where dancing and having a good night again we where chatting a lot together still. My friend J began to get a bit drunk. She asked me if anyone had kissed him yet, to which I said no, not yet. 

As the night went on every time he went to the bar, my friend would follow him up to the bar, eventually it was time to go and he lived close to the nightclub and invited us all back for a few drinks. We all went. 

I went to go to the bathroom and saw them together, half naked. I was so angry, I didn't yell or anything but I said that I was leaving. I told my friend R what had happened and left. She was texting me asking if I was ok I explained I was annoyed at J for doing that. I asked if J left with her when she left and she said she stayed behind. 

I was so angry, firstly she didn't even want to go back to his place, she knew I was interested, she also knew I was talking to him before meeting. While I was having drinks during the night I didn't plan on getting sloppy drunk and I didn't want to throw myself at him either. I wanted to let it progress naturally without hanging out of him drunk like my friend. 

So this is where I am struggling. I don't own the guy, he is not my property and I know that. He doesn't owe me anything either. He is just as bad as my friend for sleeping with her. But they are both single too so I'm struggling. I am angry at him for sleeping with my friend even though he was flirting with me and I am angry at my friend so sleeping with him when she knew I liked him. 

If she had come to me and said I really like him I probably wouldn't have been angry, annoyed but probably not angry and I would have been able to make peace with it but to literally have sex with the guy your friend likes, while they're in another room I think is wrong. 

She texted me to say "Sorry for offending you, I didn't mean to step on your toes I was silly drunk" 

I have yet to respond and I honestly don't feel like responding as I don't want to deal with the drama. 

I'm torn on what to do. I have since unfollowed them both on social media, and I have not intention on refollowing them. I am taking a break from hanging out with my friends for a little while as J is part of the friend group and I really don't want to see her. 

I left the group chats, where she's in too. This might be dramatic but I just don't want to deal with her at the minute until I have been able to resolve my own feelings on the matter and move past it.

I don't know what to do, am I overreacting? I need some outside perspective. My friend R told me not to let a guy come between our friendship, but I can't help it.  

I think the friendship  you should let go of and forget the guy they didn't do anything wrong but your friend does not respect you 

Edited November 1, 2023 by Goodguy05

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Yes she does have a history of it, she tends to get drunk, sloppy and will sleep with just about anyone. I never have or do judge her for it. But she does have a history of it. 

Your female "friend" might just be one of those women that gets off on being the girl that can steal a guy from her female friends--quite literally a sex competition power struggle. 

Or, she's so thirsty and desperate for attention from men that she doesn't care who they are or who are interested in them - she just wants them to want her. Your friend also seems to be quite manipulative and disrespectful.

I wouldn't give a second thought to this guy, he's just another person that has taken advantage of an easy opportunity of a girl who offered herself. You mentioning that you and the guy chatted and had a spark should have been signal enough for your friend to back off, but she chose not to. That says a lot about her and her character. 

[MsJayne]

Ugh, the friend who isn't a friend at all. And the guy who isn't a friend either, much less boyfriend material. And the friends who stood by and watched J making the moves on the guy they knew you were into without giving her a poke and asking, "WTF are you doing?" An all around unpleasant experience for you. Apologies don't cut it in this scenario, people can't use alcohol as an excuse for being vile, it's about their character, not their boozy lack of inhibition. On the upside, you've avoided getting involved with a dude who's bad news, and a so-called friend has shown herself as being utterly without shame and totally untrustworthy, so you can avoid hanging out with either of them because no one needs sh***y friends. I wouldn't ditch other friends because of it, they're not responsible for how she and he behaved. Don't drop out of chat groups or other shared friend stuff, just don't engage with those two snakes. You'll probably have the last laugh because two people with such a lack of consideration for others can only be a relationship disaster waiting to happen, and that's only if they get involved. If they don't get involved it was just a cheap and nasty one-nighter which leaves both of them smelling of Stupid. 

[fishlips]

I guess your "friend" did you a favor by showing you this guy was a scumbag. You don't need either one of them. I'm puzzled by why you are dropping your other friends, though. They had nothing to do with it. You don't have to hang out with the friend group, but you can see them one on one.

Edited November 1, 2023 by fishlips

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

19 minutes ago, fishlips said:

I guess your "friend" did you a favor by showing you this guy was a scumbag. You don't need either one of them. I'm puzzled by why you are dropping your other friends, though. They had nothing to do with it. You don't have to hang out with the friend group, but you can see them one on one.

She 100% done me a favor in that sense. 

It got me thinking about my friends group and only one texted me to see if I was ok as I had been quiet the rest haven't. Not that I am looking for attention. 

Then I got a message off another friend from the group asking if I would be willing to chip in towards one of the friends birthday presents. I of course chipped in and then while on Facebook which I use rarely I saw they had a party and didn't invite me. No one mentioned it on their Instagram stories however only for one of my friends got tagged in a video that showed on my fb feed I would have never known. 

It really has annoyed me more and hurt me more that they would happily ask me for money for a gift but would ask me to the party. I literally invite them to my house all the time and I cook for them, I try to make sure they are all looked after. 

I wouldn't have gone anyway, as I had plans with family but I would thanked them for the invite and politely declined. But they didn't ask.  So I am now taking a break from the group.  

 

[fishlips]

27 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I wouldn't have gone anyway, as I had plans with family but I would thanked them for the invite and politely declined. But they didn't ask.  So I am now taking a break from the group.  

 

It sounds like a good idea to break away from this group. It was very rude of them not to invite you to the party. I don't know...maybe the one who texted you asking if you were okay might be worth hanging on to. It's probably awkward for her, having both of you as friends. Maybe invite her out for lunch, just the two of you? 

[mark clemson]

Yes that is weird and pretty inconsiderate to ask you to contribute but forget to invite you. Sounds like there are some general flakiness issues with this friend group. Time to start branching out I'd say...

[glows]

9 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

She 100% done me a favor in that sense. 

It got me thinking about my friends group and only one texted me to see if I was ok as I had been quiet the rest haven't. Not that I am looking for attention. 

Then I got a message off another friend from the group asking if I would be willing to chip in towards one of the friends birthday presents. I of course chipped in and then while on Facebook which I use rarely I saw they had a party and didn't invite me. No one mentioned it on their Instagram stories however only for one of my friends got tagged in a video that showed on my fb feed I would have never known. 

It really has annoyed me more and hurt me more that they would happily ask me for money for a gift but would ask me to the party. I literally invite them to my house all the time and I cook for them, I try to make sure they are all looked after. 

I wouldn't have gone anyway, as I had plans with family but I would thanked them for the invite and politely declined. But they didn't ask.  So I am now taking a break from the group.  

 

Hey 

im just trying to get a full picture here. You mentioned you left the group chats - is it possible that they were talking about the party there and you just weren’t there anymore? The message is quite clear, whether you intended it or not- when you leave a group chat or multiple of them with these same people involved, you’re basically saying you don’t want any further updates on this group. 

I believe asking for cash to chip in is standard and people are cheap anyway so expect someone to always want help with this. If there’s a group gift it’s more likely than not you will be approached. 

I’m not saying all of this isn’t hurtful but we’ve got to remain a bit more objective here on the topic of distancing yourself from these people and the message you’re conveying. Logistically you’re just not around to know what’s up if you’ve left the chat and I think no one approached you because you’re visibly upset or angry. 

It doesn’t sound like these people are worth hanging around for anyway.

[princessaurora]

I think there's a very good chance J did this to get back at you even if it was on a subconscious level. I had a similar situation happen years ago and I can tell you, I totally did it on purpose. 

My friend G  had this really cute cousin and we were always flirty even though he had a long term girlfriend. Eventually they broke up and we ran into him on a night out. My friend S thought he was cute and started talking to him. He had engaged me too, but she was basically falling at his feet, so he focused more on her.  He asked her out on a date and they slept together that same night. He ghosted her after which really upset her and shocked me because he didn't seem like the type of guy who would do that.

A few weeks later, I go out with G and we run into him and another one of his guy friends.  This time he engages with only me the whole time and G invites her cousin and his friend back to her place.  She disappears off to her room with her cousins friend and him and I stay in the den and just talk for a bit,  about how he's always liked me but I was with someone or he was with someone and the timing was never right. Then we start kissing and things start getting hot and heavy. All the while I'm thinking about how he used S. But at the same time, I'm mad she took something I wanted.  So I continued to make out with him and we ended up doing oral but then he wanted piv and I told him no because he didn't have a condom. So he suggests we go to the store and get one. I tell him no. I'm not doing all that.  So then he starts begging which was pretty sad, but it also felt good to reject him after he used G. So I call her the next day and tell her what happened and that I got back at him by giving him blueballs. I basically twisted it to make her believe I was a saint for denying him sex and told her I did it for her which was partially true. 

In all reality, I was just trying to validate my behavior because he was finally single and I was mad she hooked up with him. So yeah, the fact she did this knowing you were there and could easily see, on some level was intentional. 

Now I do agree you could have been more clear about your interest and maybe that would have changed the outcome, but then again it may not have since she was probably still sour the tinder guy chose you over her. Evening the score is just a natural instinct many cannot resist. 

As for your friends, I wouldn't drop them because of miss loosey goosey,  but having you put up money for a gift and then not invite you to the party is beyond crappy. But if you did block them on social media, it's understandable they wouldn't invite you, but should offer you the money back. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

On 11/2/2023 at 12:39 PM, princessaurora said:

I think there's a very good chance J did this to get back at you even if it was on a subconscious level. I had a similar situation happen years ago and I can tell you, I totally did it on purpose. 

My friend G  had this really cute cousin and we were always flirty even though he had a long term girlfriend. Eventually they broke up and we ran into him on a night out. My friend S thought he was cute and started talking to him. He had engaged me too, but she was basically falling at his feet, so he focused more on her.  He asked her out on a date and they slept together that same night. He ghosted her after which really upset her and shocked me because he didn't seem like the type of guy who would do that.

A few weeks later, I go out with G and we run into him and another one of his guy friends.  This time he engages with only me the whole time and G invites her cousin and his friend back to her place.  She disappears off to her room with her cousins friend and him and I stay in the den and just talk for a bit,  about how he's always liked me but I was with someone or he was with someone and the timing was never right. Then we start kissing and things start getting hot and heavy. All the while I'm thinking about how he used S. But at the same time, I'm mad she took something I wanted.  So I continued to make out with him and we ended up doing oral but then he wanted piv and I told him no because he didn't have a condom. So he suggests we go to the store and get one. I tell him no. I'm not doing all that.  So then he starts begging which was pretty sad, but it also felt good to reject him after he used G. So I call her the next day and tell her what happened and that I got back at him by giving him blueballs. I basically twisted it to make her believe I was a saint for denying him sex and told her I did it for her which was partially true. 

In all reality, I was just trying to validate my behavior because he was finally single and I was mad she hooked up with him. So yeah, the fact she did this knowing you were there and could easily see, on some level was intentional. 

Now I do agree you could have been more clear about your interest and maybe that would have changed the outcome, but then again it may not have since she was probably still sour the tinder guy chose you over her. Evening the score is just a natural instinct many cannot resist. 

As for your friends, I wouldn't drop them because of miss loosey goosey,  but having you put up money for a gift and then not invite you to the party is beyond crappy. But if you did block them on social media, it's understandable they wouldn't invite you, but should offer you the money back. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your honest answer, If she came to me and explained she liked him, I would have been able to move past it and move on. 

As for my friends, I didn't block them on social media at all I just removed J from my social media as I didn't want to see her on my feed. 

Not being invited left a sour taste. I don't hold onto grudges, or resentment. Its a good quality about me. So I have let that go. I just realise within our friends group of 8 who I thought where very close maybe 3 are actually good friends. So for now I am keeping my head down, Its surprisingly nice being able to have time for myself. I usually have something on so I am kind of enjoying the peace and quite and I have also reconnected with friends who I lost touch with over the years. 

Once I have properly gotten over it all I will get back in touch with them, I don't want awkward situations, and if they ask why I went MIA for a little while I will explain that I was upset over J's actions and then not being invited was an extra punch in the stomach and how they saw fit to ask me for money but not to invite me was mean especially given I hadn't done anything wrong and even if they thought I was upset or whatever I would've apricated an invite as when ever I have had parties I have never left anyone out. The persons who's birthday party it was who didn't invite me, When It was my birthday back in June she had 3 friends visiting and really wanted to go to mine but couldn't leave her friends so I invited her friends to join the party so she wouldn't be left out. 

I think what is still getting to me is I have no idea what J is saying or said to the group. But the fact only one friend texted to see if I was ok as I was very quiet is telling. 

 

[Versacehottie]

24 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

But the fact only one friend texted to see if I was ok as I was very quiet is telling. 

In your last post I think all of your reasons are good and fine...except this one above ^^^^

Thoughts like this are going to create resentment. Also perhaps you are processing it like YOU would do things or like things to be done. Lots of people are going to want to stay out of it in order to stay neutral. You can argue "well checking if I'm ok doesn't mean they can't remain neutral"..but does it really? It opens a can of worms that even for well-speaking, mature-thinking people is hard to navigate. In order to sympathize with you, likely they will be drawn into the conflict. I think socially savvy people know that and they just sort of bury their heads in the sand and hope it blows over if they want to remain friends with both of you. I'd even go as far as to say that by not expressing yourself "loudly" enough when you liked the guy to J for example...you likely did the same with the other girls and so no one really knows how badly you could be hurt.  Or they will just see it as overreacting because you sort of hid the initial bit about how much you liked him. It's sort of hard to be who you are and private about a guy at the beginning but maybe in the future you should give some thought to the idea that perhaps you aren't outspoken enough or sideline yourself in some way. And then don't underestimate the social dynamics of the group..what is the group's main focus? If it's to go out, party and have fun, then people aren't going to want to upset that balance or will sort of silently side with her--not because they necessarily think she is right but because the group's purpose and their reason for being in it is to go out and have fun. 

If you want things to be "normal" with this group of friends (except for J), then make sure you act normal toward them. Wanting or waiting for a sympathy talk or text, is only going to expand the focus on the tension between you and J and if you want to move past it and not make it a focus then don't expect anything from them and treat them normally, which is to move on from the drama. It's fair that you might re-assess where you are in life for yourself and with this group of people but I would expect then to wade into the drama in any way.  That's semi-perpetuating it and involving others or wanting them to take or see your side. IMO much better to let J do her damage to others and then they might come to you with their own first hand experience. Rise above.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I think what is still getting to me is I have no idea what J is saying or said to the group. But the fact only one friend texted to see if I was ok as I was very quiet is telling. 

It's doubtful she's talking about this with them, I wouldn't.  Why would she draw attention to what she did and put herself in a bad light?  The person who texted to see if you are ok is your real friend out of the group.  People are blessed to have one good and close friend in life.  It's rare to have many.

I also think you telling them the reason why you went missing is a bit late at this point.  It would have been better to tell them how you felt at the time it was happening (the gift and the party).   Going back and then complaining about the way they treated you will make them give you the side eye.

[smackie9]

If the guy was interested in you, he wouldn't have slept with your friend. She did you a favor. He was just looking to get laid. So don't get your feathers ruffled. If it wasn't her he probably would have made the moves on you or any other chick. 

[Alvi]

I wonder if this guy was warming up to you in hopes to get close to your friend. I remember, one guy when I was in Grade 12, who was talking and flirting with me quite heavily. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. I thought that he was interested in me.  All my friends thought that he liked me and wanted to ask me out. One time he asked me if we could talk and I was so happy as I though that he was going to ask me out, finally. Well, it turned out that he like my cousin and wanted me to help with her. Bummer, lol. Why on earth did he waste so much time cozying up to me if he was after my cousin is a question. So, he essentially used me to get close to her. I wonder if your guy did the same thing here to you. But anyway, this is not about him as he is out of the picture.

Technically, your friend didn't do anything wrong. That is if we are talking about some technicality. But Human beings are more complex and no, what she did is not cool at all. She is your friend and if they had some sort of thing for each other, then she should have handled this differently (such as by talking to you). She is not a kind of person you can, or should trust. Ever.

 Maybe this is a sign from above to clean up your friends group. Keep that one friend that messaged you  and get rid of the rest of that group.

[GeneralHatchet01]

Your feelings are valid. I understand completely how you feel, you would hope your friend would be loyal but she wasn’t. The guy could have also been loyal seeing as he was talking to you. What can you learn from this? I would say, you’ve had a lucky escape from the guy, you want your future partner to be besotted with you. You are worthy of more. In terms of your friend, keep your peace but now you can be aware that she isn’t maybe as trustworthy as you’d hope, as loyal as you’d hope. Start to build stronger ties with your other friends or meet new ones and spend everyday working on yourself on all levels. Workout, eat healthy, meditate, join a club, love yourself and focus on yourself not them. You will be stronger from this hurt. Do not lower yourself to their behaviour. Move on and move up. You will get through this x

[Bassthumper]

Being drunk/drinking just enhanced the feelings she had for him. That was never your dude and she is not friend.

[CollinW]

On 10/31/2023 at 7:49 AM, d0nnivain said:

If a friend so much as says "oh he's cute" that means he's off limits to the friends. Period.

I've always found this mentally completely silly. Not only does it treat the man as if he's a possession, but it boils the dynamic down to whoever tags the man first wins. 

My wife would talk about a friend she had in college that would do this to every attractive boy on campus, and literally expected all her friends to not talk to all of them.