CaroleO Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 My husband wants to move his daughter, son in law, their 9 month old daughter and 12 year old son into our house. I get along with them but living together is a whole other level. They both work so they have son in law’s parents in 2 days/week to babysit and my husband’s ex wife in 2 days/week to babysit. I work remotely so I would be there the whole time. I’m civil with the ex wife but she doesn’t like me much. Husband has Parkinson’s so he can’t babysit too well. Also, daughter is newly married. Does anyone think this is a situation that could go very wrong? I’ve said I don’t think this idea would be good but now husband is guilting me into it. So unfair, I think. Am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 Are you interested in being "right" or "wrong," or are you hoping to find a solution to this situation? Your marriage is on shaky ground if one of you is able to make a massive decision like moving 4 people full time plus caregivers all week into your house. Healthy couples make big decisions together. Try marriage counseling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 (edited) 26 minutes ago, CaroleO said: My husband wants to move his daughter, son in law, their 9 month old daughter and 12 year old son into our house. How long have you been married? Whose house is it? Is it martial property or yours prior to this second marriage? Why do they need housing? Are they homeless? Were they evicted? Where do they live now? Having a family of 4 move in seems extremely stressful for both of you. Especially if your husband has chronic neurological disorders and you would be stuck babysitting his grandchildren. Why can't they stay with the son in law's family? Or your husband's ex-wife? Who would finance the additional costs to a family of 4 moving in? It seems like a stressful very bad idea unless it's temporary until they can move into their own apartment. Edited October 30, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaroleO Posted October 30, 2023 Author Share Posted October 30, 2023 We’ve been married 7 years. Husband is asking me but I’m feeling pressured. They are trying to save money to buy their own house. Husband says would only be for 18-24 months but I worry that it could be longer. Husband thinks that is a short amount of time too. I argue that it is not short. Can’t move in with other in laws for various reasons. I just don’t think it’s fair to ask me to change my whole life around just to help them save money. I love them very much but I didn’t sign up to live with them. I also don’t think husband understands that women tend to be territorial and don’t want to share a house, kitchen, bathroom, chores, etc with each other. Any one else understand my concerns? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 3 minutes ago, CaroleO said: . They are trying to save money to buy their own house. That's not a valid reason. It's not as if their house burned down or some other unavoidable hardship. Please just say no to this. They are not homeless and mooching off two elderly people to "save money" is not appropriate. You are not responsible for them financially or for babysitting or otherwise. Let your husband, his ex or his son in laws family help them out. You're not even related to these people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 (edited) I'll start with the last thing first...I've had female flatmates and never had an issue with anybody being territorial over chores and bathrooms etc, so I'm not sure where you got this idea from. What do you imagine happening? Is one of you bad at sharing? When you visit her place, is she clean and tidy to your satisfaction? I'm in Australia and in any area which has good employment options, houses are skyrocketing in price. It's taking young people so long to save the amount of money required for a deposit that they are moving back home to save enough money to get in..so for me, it's not an unusual situation and I've known a number of families who've done it. But it does take an extraordinary amount of selflessness to bring extras into the house, and I certainly understand being reticent to do it. I I imagine being empty nesters is a wonderful milestone and very difficult to go back from. For practicalities, there's one thing in common which those who've done it all have: a space where you can all get away from each other. My sister's house had a shed which was converted to a granny flat. My aunts house had the garage turned into a bedroom and play area. Even way back in the 1960's my parents lived in a flat out the back of dad's place while they saved for a house. And if you do do it, don't be afraid to come up with ground rules. Is it possible that she'd help you care for her father? Edited October 30, 2023 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 (edited) Alternately, we also see a lot of young people getting financial help from their parents to get a deposit. Does your husband have any money which could help instead of them moving in? Edited October 30, 2023 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 58 minutes ago, CaroleO said: We’ve been married 7 years. Husband is asking me but I’m feeling pressured. They are trying to save money to buy their own house. Husband says would only be for 18-24 months but I worry that it could be longer. Agree. You should not have to support a family of 4 for up to 2 years. Please don't get bullied into this preposterous situation. It has nothing to do with 2 women in the kitchen, etc., it has to do with mooching off you. They are two grown working adults and need to save and manage their own money better. They are not entitled to a house at your expense. They can get better jobs, take out bank loans or find more appropriate forms of saving for a house. Let them stay wherever they are and figure out how to save money on their own. Is your husband working or on disability? Obviously the ex (her mother) and the son in law's families turned this down because it's ridiculous that two grown adults with children can't manage their finances and have the nerve to ask to parasitize elders and a disabled father. Just say no. . Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 It sounds like a bad idea unless you had a two family house. Better plan if dear old dad really wants to help: have him give them a lump sum for the downpayment. He needs to be doing Medicaid planning with his condition anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 8 hours ago, CaroleO said: We’ve been married 7 years. Husband is asking me but I’m feeling pressured. They are trying to save money to buy their own house. Husband says would only be for 18-24 months but I worry that it could be longer. Husband thinks that is a short amount of time too. I argue that it is not short. Can’t move in with other in laws for various reasons. I just don’t think it’s fair to ask me to change my whole life around just to help them save money. I love them very much but I didn’t sign up to live with them. I also don’t think husband understands that women tend to be territorial and don’t want to share a house, kitchen, bathroom, chores, etc with each other. Any one else understand my concerns? Did you tell your husband the bolded part above? What was his reply to this? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 30, 2023 Share Posted October 30, 2023 This sounds extreme and I wouldn't be OK with it. You are well within your rights to say that this is just too much. If they both work then they should be responsible adults and handle their own life, get their own apartment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted October 31, 2023 Share Posted October 31, 2023 No, you're not wrong, it's unfair of your husband to expect this. You say "our house", so I'll presume it belongs to both of you. It's not just a family of four moving into your space, they bring with them three other people as baby-sitters. This would change the entire dynamic of your home life, they have children so you would soon find yourself having to cater to their family routine rather than the lifestyle you're used to, and for the four days that baby-sitters were there you'd feel like you had constant visitors. You work from home, how's that going to go with a possibly noisy toddler, as well as carers in the house while you're trying to work? As for your husband's ex-wife, who doesn't like you, being part of the baby-sitting team - pfft! I get that they're having trouble saving a home deposit and that he wants to help them, and if it was for a short time it might seem feasible, but what if they still can't save even if they're not paying big rent? They have two kids, things are just going to get tighter for them, so there's a high possibility of it turning into a permanent arrangement. Unless you live in a house large enough to allow everyone to have their own space, (two kitchens, two bathrooms at least, four bedrooms, and a separate living area), it's a hard No from me. It's wrong of your husband to guilt-trip you over this, he in fact is the one who should be ashamed for completely dismissing you in his grand plan to be the benevolent patriarch. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2023 Share Posted October 31, 2023 In my culture once you've moved out, you don't come back living with your parents. If you do then you are viewed as lazy & opportunistic. You've raised your children and battled your way to a respectable age, it's not your role to fight your (his) children's battles. Yes it's hard for the younger generation to save for a property than you can gift them or loan them the down payment. Between you and I, if they rent and cannot save money then they don't have the financial backbone to own a house to start with. A house comes with property taxes, high electrical bills, maintenance bills, repair bills, all those expenses they won't be able to afford because they don't have the revenue or the discipline to save money. I would make this a break-it or make-it moment. They move in - I move out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 31, 2023 Share Posted October 31, 2023 This sounds like a very bad idea. They can continue to afford an apartment, even though they may have to save years longer to get a house. If your husband can gift them some money, that would be better (unless the two of you need it to live on in the future). We recently moved in my wife's son who is moving here from another state. It should only be for a few months total (and he has started a new job here), but it has been a strain on me and on our relationship. I don't recommend it unless their circumstances are dire, and even then would first look for other solutions. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 31, 2023 Share Posted October 31, 2023 Unless both you and your husband are on board with this, the answer is a big no. Unless they experience a dire emergency, grown adults should not be reliant on a parent (especially one with health issues) for shelter. Many people have to save a long time for home ownership, it's not a given or an entitlement. Your home is your sanctuary, your place of peace. It's unfair of your husband to keep the issue alive if he knows you don't want this. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 31, 2023 Share Posted October 31, 2023 3 hours ago, FMW said: Your home is your sanctuary, your place of peace. I agree. That set up would be unbearable to me. I'd probably end up leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
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