Roles Reversed

[helloladies21]

I'm a 45 year old male. Divorced seven years ago with no kids. I got over my ex-wife a long time ago. After my divorce, I essentially went on a dating spree and got it out of my system. Then I became open to something more serious. I've had some close calls over the years, but nothing that stuck to a permanent life partner. I still remain optimistic that I'll find what I'm looking for. I'm reasonably attractive, successful career. I think most would say I'm a catch.

I started dating a 29 year old woman a couple of months ago. She lives in a different city three and a half hours away, but works remotely about half the month an hour away. She's out of a 9 year relationship that she left 4 months ago because "the intimacy has been dead for a very long time". I don't get the impression that she has any interest in getting back together with him.

Things went fast at first. I'm a man who knows what he's looking for and had a good feeling about it developing into something long term. But within the first couple of weeks, she pumped the brakes on things pointing out a couple of times that "I'm still single" (referring to me) and am free to do as I please. This hurt me it gave me the impression that this was just something casual for her. I tried to get answers as to what she's looking for with me and she just freezes up, not able to give me a firm answer. Apparently this is something she does when confronted with certain types of difficult situations. She states that it's not something casual for her and that since she's so freshly out of a relationship, she's pushing away. I accepted that she just may not be ready and continue to date others.

We've continued to date since then. I've visited her in her home city. Stayed at her place. Met her friends. She's told her mother about me in great detail and I believe her father knows of me. Everyone is apparently a big fan of me. I tried to set up a meeting with a married couple who are friends of mine, but it didn't work out. I have no problem with her meeting my friends, but I won't introduce her to my mother until she tells me what's looking for with me. I went as her wedding date once. She's stayed at my house a couple of times for a few days. The topic of us comes up on occasion and progress is slow as far as what her intentions are with me, although there has been more progress within the past week. She said she really likes me and is investing in me. She's said multiple times that she's "obsessed" with me and has said that she's "in lust" with me, but I believe she's saying it tongue in cheek. She has yet to state outright what she's looking for with me. Without me asking, she admitted that she went out with some other guy only a couple of times when we first started seeing each other, but she didn't sleep with him and ghosted him. She deleted her datng apps (but not the profiles 🤔) about a month ago. I would have to say she's very upfront with facts, but not feelings about me. I don't get the impression that she's seeing anyone else currently as she doesn't find dating multiple men appealing and her mother would not approve. She hasn't asked if I'm seeing anyone else and hasn't asked me to stop seeing anyone else. She said a few weeks ago that she was talking to a friend and was asked if she would be mad if I was seeing someone else and she said she would be. I've stayed silent on the issue.

Friday night we were at dinner and she made some comment about how I'm not single. I brought it up this morning saying "Since when? We never had the talk and I still have no idea how you really feel about me or what you're looking for with me." Same silence. I told her I'm not trying to pressure her into anything; I'm just letting her know what I need at bare minimum in order to start the conversation. She said she would talk to me about it in the middle of the week. My expectation is that she will forget to bring it up.

This is awfully confusing for me. I've dated several other women who were not ready yet. I know the signs to look for. Coincidently, I broke it off with another girl a few weeks ago, who I was pretty interested in, for this same reason. I could tell she wasn't ready. This does not feel the same to me as what I've noticed in the past. It's almost like this girl has set up a mental block that she simply can't be ready for something else since it hasn't been a certain length of time. Although I've done my best to take the pressure off the situation and give her time to let her walls drop by keeping my options open, I can't lie that her indecision has pushed me away to a degree as well. Seeing other women helps, but only so much because she's the only one I have feelings for. We're going on a weekend getaway this coming weekend for a couple of days. We have tentative plans to go on another trip someplace warm in a couple of weeks too. The topic of kids has come up too. I would say she has partial baby fever. It's almost as if she's straddling this line of having me as her boyfriend without actually making me her bf. I believe if I pressured her into being with me, she would probably go through with it, but that's not ethical to me. I want her to come to me only if she wants it.

I know what my options are: keep doing exactly what I'm doing and wait to see if she either drops her walls, someone else I'm dating steps up, or end it myself. First option to wait and see may seem the least risk-most reward, but it's difficult having her run through my thoughts this often without it being as serious. It feels off to me. I know it may seem like the typical guy's dream: gets to have all the benefits of dating this hot girl several years younger without having to commit while I continue to date, but every minute I spend with her or thinking about her is one minute less that I have to find someone who is ready for me. How long can I wait for her to make up her mind, if she's even going to?

Edited October 30, 2023 by helloladies21
Spelling

[basil67]

I don't know about you, but something I value in a partner is ease of communication.  If you also value this, she's not a good choice.

That aside, she'd been separated for only two months when you met her - so I would imagine she's nowhere near ready to commit to someone new.   If you're looking long term, I don't think she's a good bet.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

 I still have no idea how you really feel about me or what you're looking for with me." Same silence. I told her I'm not trying to pressure her into anything; 

She seems to like you and it seems to be going well for 60 days despite the distance and age difference. What exactly do you want her to say?

What is she supposed to be "ready for" dating 60 days? Being exclusive? It seems like you're not dating others. So what do you want to hear from her besides that at this point? 

[helloladies21]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems to like you and it seems to be going well for 60 days despite the distance and age difference. What exactly do you want her to say?

I don't "want" her to say anything other than the truth. If she likes me, hates, me, loves me, is indifferent to me. And whether she sees this as something casual, short term, long term. I have a pretty good idea of where I'm at within 60 days. Sometimes I know a lot sooner, as I did here. I know what I'm looking for. Is it so unrealistic that she could be the same?

Quote

What is she supposed to be "ready for" dating 60 days? Being exclusive? It seems like you're not dating others. So what do you want to hear from her besides that at this point? 

I am dating others. She says she is not. We are not exclusive, so we are free to date others. And if 60 days isn't long enough in your opinion, what arbitrary amount of time is? 4 months? 6 months? 1 year?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, helloladies21 said:

My expectation is that she will forget to bring it up.

She won't forget. She will avoid bringing it up. 

My strong sense is that she isn't quite sure how she feels about you yet and whether she wants to commit to something longer-term with you. She also has barely been single in a decade and is probably not ready to get into another relatonship. Even if the intimacy was dead with her ex, it doesn't mean she won't need her own healing time to move past a long-term companionship and the life she once knew. 

I personally wouldn't hold your breath here. You can give it a bit more time if you like, but have a mental timeline for how long you want to date her without any sense of how she sees this moving forward (or not) 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

I am dating others. . We are not exclusive, 

If you are dating others why are you pressuring her after just 60 days to give you firm answers and a crystal ball about the future?

She is seeing you and seems to enjoy your company so what else do you need to know? 

You don't want exclusively so why would you expect anything but casual from her? 

Edited October 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

[ ] 

If you are seriously interested in a particular woman,  you need to show her by her actions that you are serious.

You are actively dating others while leaning on her rather relentlessly to make some kind of verbal commitment to you.  

By dating others, you are actively proving that YOU are not serious or ready.

Again, to reiterate, if YOU are serious about her, you need to ACT LIKE IT.  That means not multi-dating.

Multi-dating is not something I think is "wrong," but a man who wants it to be known to a PARTICULAR woman that he is seriously interested in her definitely wants to make sure she knows that he wants to be with HER.  

[ ]

I'm not addressing whether she is or is not ready.  Frankly she's very fresh out of another relationship.  So she may not be.  

You definitely do not sound like you're ready to have much to offer another person in an intimate, romantic relationship.

Edited October 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[stillafool]

I was her age when I went through a divorce.  The last thing I wanted was to get in a relationship, especially at only 4 months out.  Also, the last thing on my mind was to settle for someone 16 years older than me.  Were the other women who didn't want a relationship and ghosted you in their 20s also?  If so, that is probably why they didn't want to get serious with you.

[NuevoYorko]

If you're seeing other women as a way to protect your [ ] ego - for example, you won't give her your full attention unless she gives you exactly what you want from her first - you are not relationship material.  Your ego is in your way.   Yes, you can get some women to accept this, but it will be a crippled relationship.   

Have the strength of character to take the full risk.  If you meet someone you think is THE person you really want to be in an exclusive relationship with, trust that feeling and commit WITHIN YOURSELF.  I'm not talking about making any promises to her.  But you should be prepared to give her your full attention.

You're more interested in protecting your ego by keeping other options, with women you aren't even legitimately interested in, open.

This particular situation is a dead end one for both you and her - she has a lot of life left to live and from what you've shared, she doesn't need to spend it with a guy practically old enough to be her dad who is playing games.   Plus she hasn't had time to get over the past relationship.

Edited October 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[ShyViolet]

You say you are not pressuring her.... but yes, you kinda are.  You have been dating this woman a couple of months, and she just got out of a very long term relationship 4 months ago.  I'm not sure what exactly you expect from her at this point.  It's a bit premature to constantly ask her to define the relationship.  It sounds like you need to seriously calm down, stop putting so much pressure on this, and let the relationship develop naturally.  At two months into dating, it's just the "getting to know you" stage, it's not a time to be talking about getting serious.  You don't even know her well enough at this point to know if she's someone you would want to be with long term.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

Is it so unrealistic that she could be the same?

I think the fact that you’ve been dating for 60 days is less of a problem than the fact that she ended a nine year relationship sixty days prior to meeting you. She is likely nowhere near ready to commit to a serious relationship - despite what she may think or what she may tell you. If she was telling you that she was interested/committed to a serious relationship with you, that, to me, would be a HUGE red flag. 

Edited October 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

 

11 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I am dating others. She says she is not. We are not exclusive, so we are free to date others. And if 60 days isn't long enough in your opinion, what arbitrary amount of time is? 4 months? 6 months? 1 year?

Why would she give you the bare minimum when you're still dating around?

She is not dating others therefore she is showing you where she stands, when are you going to show her where you stand by making this exclusive?

All that aside, she's a 29 year old woman just out of a 9 year relationship. I'd like to think at 45 you have enough wisdom to understand she needs time to re-center herself, re-discover who she is, date for fun, before she jumps right back into a relationship. You will probably be that transition guy that will help her find her new self and then she's be gone on her merry way. The transition guy never wins. 

[Alpacalia]

Try not to have women as backups. If you feel things aren't progressing with this particular lady, no need to keep dating her.

[basil67]

15 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

I don't "want" her to say anything other than the truth. If she likes me, hates, me, loves me, is indifferent to me. And whether she sees this as something casual, short term, long term. I have a pretty good idea of where I'm at within 60 days. Sometimes I know a lot sooner, as I did here. I know what I'm looking for. Is it so unrealistic that she could be the same?

I got sidetracked by the fact she's so recently separated that I didn't pay much attention to the rest.

If someone is dating others, that tells me that they don't feel strongly enough about any of them to make a decision.   I think it's fair to say that a lot of people need to feel like they are in a safe space to really open up....and all this multi dating you're doing certainly isn't providing that.  If you're serious about her, take a pause on dating others and give her space to feel secure.  When she's feeling secure, she may open up.   And if she still doesn't open up, then you have your cue to move on.

[Els]

So let me get this straight... you think she "can't commit" and "can't make up her mind" but you're still multidating?? How does that work exactly? Obviously you're not committed either at this stage... so how is this a problem?

[MsJayne]

20 hours ago, helloladies21 said:

because she's the only one I have feelings for.

And that's all that matters. Tell her you want to try a relationship with her. Don't wait for her to erupt into a declaration of undying love, she's waiting for you to make the first move towards the beginnings of a committed relationship. She's introduced you to her friends and family, she's mentioned that you're not really "single", she's stopped dating other guys, how much more confirmation do you need that she's into you? When she says "you're still single", she's giving you the opener to start the relationship conversation. Don't worry about her recent break-up, because it sounds like she checked out of that relationship well before it ended. You've got nothing to lose here except a bit of ego if she rejects the idea of a proper relationship with you, and everything to gain when she says, "I thought you'd never ask". 

[glows]

It doesn’t have to be so complicated. Tell her what you feel and you’d like to date exclusively. I think the comment she made “I am single and can date ….”  etc might be a misunderstanding. She’s obviously single if neither of you have agreed to be exclusive so change that. 

I also want to add the “I’m single ..” comment came only 2 weeks into dating. That’s less time than the blink of an eye, just an eye twitch. It’s now 4 months into dating and she recently admitted to you she told a friend she’d be upset if you were seeing other women. 

All the signs are pointing to her wanting exactly what you want. Don’t get lost here please. Just pop the question with a big smile and tell her what you feel. Someone who wants to play games isn’t worth your time.

 

Edited November 1, 2023 by glows

[helloladies21]

Please close this thread.