Advice on boyfriend at party

[Butterflies123]

Hi everyone I am new to this site. I just wanted some advice on something. 
My boyfriend (21) and myself (21) have been together almost 4 years just for some background information. 
Last night after he got off work he told me that he was going to a work friends Halloween party because some of his old friends were also going. I knew about this party before but he told me that he probably wasn’t going to go. I was a bit upset because I wanted to spend some time with him because he works all week and sometimes weekends and gets off pretty late. He also asked me if I wanted to go super last minute. I obviously didn’t go 1 because it was last minute and 2 because I haven’t been to a party in so long that they make me nervous. I am upset though because he told me that he would only be at the party for about an hour or two and then him and his old friends that he went to see were going to go watch a UMC fight or something. The party was supposed to start at 10:00 p.m it is now 2:00 a.m. and he is still there. (Also his work and the party is about an hour away it is where he is from). Around 10:30 p.m. I asked him how the party was just to check in. He finally answered around 1 a.m. He has not been answering my texts or calls. The last time I tried to call him he declined it and then texted and said “sorry it’s going good” then asked what I was doing. I just responded with “Ok.” He then said that he was a little drunk and they’re playing beer pong.” (He also said the night that he told me he was going that he wasn’t going to drink much. Two beers if that. He doesn’t even like to drink.) I haven’t heard from him since.

I am upset because he didn’t ask me if I was okay with him going, he asked me to go last minute mind you it’s a Halloween party and I would need a costume, that he said that he would only be there an hour or two and there were leaving to do something else and he is still there, and because of him not answering my calls or texts and when he did get back to me he  ignored my call and texted me instead.

Am I valid in feeling upset about this?? Is there any advice anyone can give? 
Sorry it’s so long I just didn’t want to leave out details. Thank you in advance! 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Butterflies123 said:

Am I valid in feeling upset about this?? Is there any advice anyone can give?

Well you feel how you feel.  Personally, if like you, I didn't like parties because they make me nervous I would gladly let him go party with his friends.  If he were having a great time there playing a game, I wouldn't expect him to leave early.  I would expect to see him the next day.

[ShyViolet]

Is this the kind of relationship where he has to ask your permission to go to a party?  I'm not sure what the issue is.

He's a 21 year old guy going to a halloween party and he had a few drinks.  That's what 21 year old guys do.  It does not sound like he did anything wrong.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Butterflies123 said:

My boyfriend (21) and myself (21) have been together almost 4 years. I wanted to spend some time with him because he works all week and sometimes weekends and gets off pretty late. 

Are either of you away at university or are both of you living with parents or roommates or have your own places? 

How often do you usually see each other? Do you go on dates and generally make time for each other? Has partying and drinking been issues before? 

It seems you've been together since age 17?  How is your relationship overall? Do you trust him? It seems like he wanted to go to the party all along but didn't want to invite you because you don't like parties. It's unrealistic to think he will only stay a couple of hours and not drink much at a rowdy beer pong party. 

[glows]

The problem seems you don’t see him often, not enough quality time sadly. As a result his foray into a Halloween party last minute has left you feeling jilted.

He appears to work a lot and has limited time. Are you certain he’s as available as a bf as you’d like? You both may have different priorities.

[d0nnivain]

You can be upset but here's the thing.  You weren't excluded.  You were invited.  You chose not to go.   When he said old friends were going to be there but he would only be there an hour, you had to know that was not true.  I don't mean he lied in a malicious sense but that it was unrealistic.  You mix old friends + booze, you get people who lose track of time.  Similarly at a party it's unrealistic for you to expect him to be paying attention to his phone. 

In your shoes I would have assumed my guy was going to be out most of the night & hoped he had enough sense to not drive drunk  

[Butterflies123]

We live with my mom but are in college. We see each other every night. He works about an hour away and then comes back every night when he gets off but don’t hang out much because when he gets here he usually has to shower eat and go to sleep which is understandable. We have been together since we were 16 turning 17. We have a pretty good relationship we do go on dates and still do  little things like those “spooky baskets” for example when able. He works all week and sometimes weekends too so we just try to work around that. I do trust him I don’t believe he would do anything at the party I just like to be updated and in the loop. He told me that it was hard to get to his phone because of his costume and that he wasn’t really on it.
 

The thing is is that he doesn’t really go to parties much either and he doesn’t even like to drink. But I guess you’re right it is a party and that is what people do at them. 

Thankyou for replying 

[glows]

Sorry - aside here. What is a spooky basket? I’m in Canada but haven’t heard of this. Is it decoration or something you can eat? 

I’d let this one go.. you were disappointed but he invited you. You didn’t want to go because parties make you nervous. It wasn’t just that it was last minute. You don’t like them. He probably knows that and I think you’re right it was inconsiderate he didn’t let you know earlier, just thoughtless in general. You could be feeling out off because of his thoughtlessness and you feel taken forgranted. 

Is it really necessary to see one another every night? It seems like it’s becoming monotonous and like you’re already married. 
 

[Butterflies123]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Sorry - aside here. What is a spooky basket? I’m in Canada but haven’t heard of this. Is it decoration or something you can eat? 

I’d let this one go.. you were disappointed but he invited you. You didn’t want to go because parties make you nervous. It wasn’t just that it was last minute. You don’t like them. He probably knows that and I think you’re right it was inconsiderate he didn’t let you know earlier, just thoughtless in general. You could be feeling out off because of his thoughtlessness and you feel taken forgranted. 

Is it really necessary to see one another every night? It seems like it’s becoming monotonous and like you’re already married. 
 

A spooky basket  is just a basket you put together around Halloween with each others favorite snacks, Halloween decor, or really just anything you want. Just a nice gesture really. 
 

Thankyou for replying I think that I was just upset in the moment I do understand now that I’ve had some time.

We pretty much live together that’s why we see each other every night. 

[Butterflies123]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Is this the kind of relationship where he has to ask your permission to go to a party?  I'm not sure what the issue is.

He's a 21 year old guy going to a halloween party and he had a few drinks.  That's what 21 year old guys do.  It does not sound like he did anything wrong.

I said in my post that he said he wasn’t going to go and last minute he decided too. I wasn’t expecting it . 
I was just upset in the moment. Now that I had some time I understand. 

[Butterflies123]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Well you feel how you feel.  Personally, if like you, I didn't like parties because they make me nervous I would gladly let him go party with his friends.  If he were having a great time there playing a game, I wouldn't expect him to leave early.  I would expect to see him the next day.

Thank you. If he wants to go I usually don’t mind but he said that he wasn’t going to go and then last minute decided to so I just wasn’t expecting it I guess. I do understand now that I’ve had some time! 

[d0nnivain]

Glad you put this in perspective.  

[Els]

13 hours ago, Butterflies123 said:

I am upset because he didn’t ask me if I was okay with him going

I hope you've realized by now that this is controlling behaviour on your part - he shouldn't need to ask for permission unless you've already made concrete, uncancellable plans for that night (e.g. an event that you booked and paid for). Strongly suggest you let this one go, and take steps to be more cognizant about your reactions to such things.

[Butterflies123]

Just now, Els said:

I hope you've realized by now that this is controlling behaviour on your part - he shouldn't need to ask for permission unless you've already made concrete, uncancellable plans for that night (e.g. an event that you booked and paid for). Strongly suggest you let this one go, and take steps to be more cognizant about your reactions to such things.

I don’t think it’s necessarily controlling I didn’t mean it in the way that I would decide for him. I guess I could have worded it differently. Just recognizing how I felt about it. If that makes sense. We have already talked things over he understands and so do I. Thankyou 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Butterflies123 said:

. Just recognizing how I felt about it. We have already talked things over he understands and so do I.

How long has he lived in your mother's house? Does he contribute financially? Why does he live there rather than with his parents or on campus or with roommates? 

This changes things a bit because if he is under your mother's roof, she has a right to know who's coming and going from her house and when. As far as him partying, try to do more things as a couple. 

[Butterflies123]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long has he lived in your mother's house? Does he contribute financially? Why does he live there rather than with his parents or on campus or with roommates? 

This changes things a bit because if he is under your mother's roof, she has a right to know who's coming and going from her house and when. As far as him partying, try to do more things as a couple. 

He’s lived here full time for about 3 months. But would go back and forth to his parents and ours before. He lives here because he doesn’t have the best relationship with his parents and he doesn’t contribute to bills or anything because he has quite a bit of things he has to pay for on his own and gets zero help from his family. It has been this way since he was at the age he could work. He does pick things up at the store or other things if needed. My family understands his situation and we are very close so they treat him like he is part of the family as well so my mom is more then okay with it. Before he lived here they actually suggested it. He doesn’t go to parties very often at all actually but when he has I was actually okay with it. I think I was just upset this time mostly because I didn’t hear from him and wasn’t clear on what was going on! 

[glows]

If your parents have welcomed him and you both live in their house rent free that is very generous. I would wonder if him living with your family has worsened the relationship with his parents or caused more resentment. 

It seems he does like parties and going out until late once in awhile. Are you ok with that and would you be more open to spontaneous outings like this? Is there a separate entrance to a basement suite or something that he lives so he’s not disturbing anyone else coming back late?

Thanks for explaining what is a spooky basket! It sounds fun.