Two+ Weeks Since Officially Breaking up. No, I Don't Want to be Friends'

[Joey96]

I had a post on here a few weeks ago regarding a girl I was dating, I'm sure you can find it. Basically, my girlfriend was being weird, distant, etc. Eventually, earlier this month, we broke up (thanks for all the advice).  It was mutual and amicable, and honestly, I was shocked how painless it was. 

I told her I don't want to remain friends, as I have a pretty firm rule against it- it basically never works out, based on my experience. 

However, I got sucked into it. It started as a phone call a few days after we broke up, asking if she could come see my cat. Well, we adopted the cat together (we didn't live together, so the little guy stayed at my place), and I told her yes, but I was skeptical. We ended up having a pretty decent night. We talked a lot about what happened between us, and decided it may not be a bad idea to maintain some contact between us. I figured I'd try something new, seeing as how the relationship was generally pretty good and we ended on good terms. 

This began to backfire. She really felt confident we would get back together... Soon. I told her that I couldn't possibly know for sure, we would just have to see what the future holds. We hung out a few more times, and began talking everyday. I didn't like this, as it didn't feel right. We broke up for a reason, right? It was her plan to get back together with me, but I expressed my concern about all the time we were spending together, when we should be trying to work on ourselves if there's ever going to be a chance of us getting together again. I don't think it was sinking in, though. I told her I couldn't give her a timeline as to when we could get together and that I didn't want to lead her on, but she said she'd wait for me. I didn't buy it, and I told her this is all new to me, as I usually don't stay in touch with my exes, so I can't tell her anything more. 

I just rolled with it, trying to maintain what few boundaries I had left. To be honest, I liked seeing her and talking to her, but it felt wrong. I didn't want to roleplay being in a relationship. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was a comment she told me her mom had made. Her mom asked if I was just "using (ex gf) for sex". It made me feel weird, like really weird. Optics matter, especially if we wanted to potentially get together in the future. 

Honestly, that ruined it for me. The past week, I was really distant, trying to just do my own thing. She asked if I wanted to go to some Christmas lights thing in November, and I said I don't know. I basically ignored her all week. Today, I told her this isn't working, and I don't think we should be friends. She didn't take it well. She told me tha she went out with a "friend" I'd never heard of yesterday, but promised me he was gay. That upset me, but I told her she can do what she wants because we aren't dating, but that she shouldn't tell me she'll "wait for me" if she's already going on dates. 

"It wasn't a date, it was just hanging out with a friend". Call it what you want it, I guess. 

Anyway, I feel worse today than the initial breakup. It feels how the breakup should have felt. Probably knowing the likelihood I'll never talk to her again, but I'll get over it. Anyway, I guess I wanted to get this off my chest- I'm just confused, and I hope I made the right decision. I didn't want to hurt her anymore or lead her on, so I think this was the proper course of action, especially if she's already dating. 

We had a good thing going for the most part, but I probably have a bias, just thinking of all the good stuff and ignoring the red flags. I just need to get better about maintaining boundaries. Anyway, hope this all made sense. I'm still processing this, since it only happened this morning, and it's all a bit confusing and weird to me. 

Hopefully you all are having a nice day.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Joey96 said:

She told me tha she went out with a "friend" I'd never heard of yesterday, but promised me he was gay. That upset me, but I told her she can do what she wants because we aren't dating, but that she shouldn't tell me she'll "wait for me" if she's already going on dates. 

Sorry this happened, but it's good you cut your losses. Definitely go no contact and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

The "let's be friends" thing is just dragging out the breakup into this confusing and nebulous situation of not being together but not being free of everything.

  It's especially ridiculous that she wants to talk about her dates and put you in the male-girlfriend zone. 

Please set yourself free. Spend time with real friends and when you're ready, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. 

 

Edited October 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

This is why NC is a good thing.  It gives you the space & distance you need to heal from the break up.  Try it

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you've made the right choice calling off this "friendship."

It's time for both of you to really cut the cord and move on. 

[Acacia98]

I've read this thread and the other one. I get the distinct impression that she doesn't actually want to be with you, but she doesn't want you to move on either. It's an ego thing on her part. So you've done well to end the relationship as well as the friendship.