Battlescarred Posted October 26, 2023 Posted October 26, 2023 I've posted before about my relationship which I decided to end in February of this year - all of your advice was much appreciated and I'm afraid I'm back again for more - may be a long post so firstly apologies. I originally decided to end my relationship in Febuary of this year (see previous two post) and took steps to do this. When he returned from working abroad I met with him to hand him back the keys to his house and we had a long chat about what had went on. We were both very honest and shared our feelings on the table and discussed continuing in some way - I told him what I needed as did he and we both agreed to try again with boundaries. I was still a bit skeptical but decided to see if his actions marked his words. Fast forward a couple of months and all was going great - he had been respectful of my boundaries and me his and it seemed to be working well. There was daily communication and phone calls both when he has home and away for work - I stayed at his more and he was always encouraging me to bring more stuff etc. Upshot was it was going well until late summer. When he came home that time I was on holiday with my girlfriend and when I came back he only had three weeks of leave remaining and we hardly seemed to spend any time together - I made the space but he didn't and I felt that he really prioritised his friends at this time. He was going through a really hard time with finances and I helped him out (I know maybe not the best idea). Anyway when he left we were not on good terms as we had spent the last evening arguing becauses he ended up out with friends even through I made it clear I was not happy with it. So things were tense when he left in late August. This is where it gets really weird... Our communication wasn't great for a few weeks as I know I was carrying some emotional issues with his behaviour and this only got worse when he started to become distant. He said this was because when he phoned I was always negative and triggered him - I believe this is true in some cases but not always. So by early september we were down to one or two cordial messages of a day some days - although there was always at least contact each day bar one. He never said happy birthday to me and it pretty much began to feel like he was shutting me out his life which I will admit hit my ego. I reacted to this my taking most of my stuff back from his house and communicated what he was doing was not acceptable. I asked him frequently whether he wanted to break up and gave him plenty of opportunities for this to happen drama free, but he always said that was not his issue and that he loved me and I would be his wife. He then told me at the beginning of October that an ex-friend had contacted him to say that he may have a child. The child was almost 8months old at that point. He also told me that the girl had been in contact from late August (just after he arrived for work) and was sending daily photos of the baby and intimating that she wanted to try again. For quickness, short version is he returned home after almost 9 weeks away and in the middle of his work shift which means he works 6-8pm most days. He is dealing with significant issues surrounding his VISA - this is why he returned during his work period - and if he can't get that sorted then he needs to leave this country for good in two weeks. In addition he is dealing with access issues with his ex wife/kids (related to the VISA) and now he needs to deal with the possible baby issue. I understand that he is stressed and needs to deal with the issues however we had a huge argument on his first day home as he informed me that the baby and mother were coming to his home to talk through issues. I admit I went a bit crazy as I was not comfortable with this and felt that he should meet outside his house - he didn't listen and I felt totaly ignored - plus it also meant I had to leave to work in the office to make sure I wasn't around. Also other background is he has spoken about having more kids (with me) and its been something we have discussed as it wouldn't be easy at my age and something I'm not willing to pursue. The meeting happened the next day and he wouldn't tell me anything that was said or what was planned and he said he wouldn't because of the way I reacted and that he didn't need the stress. He also told me if I walked away it was the least of his problems due to everything he was dealing with......and I get it, he does have a lot on his plate. I remained that evening because I felt that I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt and not run away like I usually do. The situation i'm in now is that I left the day after they met (i don't stay there full time) and said I would see him in a couple of days. His communication since then has been next to nothing and he is leaving my very few messages unread for hours at a time and didn't pick up when I tried to call. I text to say when I was next planning to come over (Thursday) and after hours he replied to say that he still has got lots of things to do (which is true) and as he is still working and dealing with the issues, he asked me to give him the rest of the week and weekend to "figure out things". He said "so lets just see next week from Monday - that works better for me tbh". Now I totally understand where he is coming from (in fact i'm not sure I even want to see him at this point either) but its making me question why he now wants space only days after seeing the baby and mum who wants him back and whether he is actually now trying to break it off gently and reconcile with his ex - who he admits to liking a lot at the time but who he only slept with once. She also blocked him only days after sleeping with him and then going back to her other childrens father - although she says that it wasn't her that blocked him but her ex because he was jealous. I also don't know if its of any importance but we were intimate for the two nights I stayed on his return - both instigated by him. I have replied to his message to say that it was absolutey no problem to give him time and space, thanked him for being clear of his needs and wished him the best for sorting stuff out. I sent the message 7 hours ago and he hasn't read it. Now I am a confident woman and I'm not tied to the relationship in any respect - don't live with him, no joint assets etc - and know I would survive if he wanted to break-up....something I was pushing for only a couple of weeks ago but am now confused at why I feel hurt and anxious that he doesn't want to see me. I am an overthinker and analyse everything to death - the not knowing facts kills me. I think my ego has been severly bruised and i'm possibly hurt from thinking he is picking someone else over me after I have invested emotionally and financially for such a long period of time. So sorry for the long message but hoping someone has been through something similar or has thoughts as to why i'm hurt and anxious. I know I may need to walk away but want to be sure I am doing it for the right reasons, last thing I want to do is walk away when he really is needing space for the personal issues and just doesn't have the time and energy to put up with my emotions. Will it ever get better and is it worth holding out hope - I would feel terrible walking away when he needed support.
Gaeta Posted October 26, 2023 Posted October 26, 2023 27 minutes ago, Battlescarred said: I think my ego has been severly bruised and i'm possibly hurt from thinking he is picking someone else over me after I have invested emotionally and financially for such a long period of time. All that investment while he was not investing much in you. Lets put him and his feelings aside for a moment. What do you get out of this? There is a man in your life that is absent physically & emotionally, a man that is secretive, does not let you in, does not communicate, does not make you feel special or a priority and now is slowly fading you. A confident woman would have 'never' put up with this. What ever this was between you, that I cannot even call a relationship, it's over. And it's much better for you that it be over. Now, you need to do a lot of work on yourself to become that confident woman you think you are. Confident women don't accept mediocrity, confident women expect sincere efforts from their partner, communication, respect, transparency, team work. You don't have that from him, you will never get it. Look how he's making you feel about yourself :doesn't have the time and energy to put up with my emotions. You feel the way you do because you are being neglected, ignored, pushed aside, you are starting to have the thought process of an abused person. Please let him go.
Weezy1973 Posted October 26, 2023 Posted October 26, 2023 9 hours ago, Battlescarred said: or has thoughts as to why i'm hurt and anxious. My best guess is you have an insecure attachment style. Your abandonment issues are being triggered.
Wiseman2 Posted October 26, 2023 Posted October 26, 2023 9 hours ago, Battlescarred said: He is dealing with significant issues surrounding his VISA - this is why he returned during his work period - and if he can't get that sorted then he needs to leave this country for good in two weeks. In addition he is dealing with access issues with his ex wife/kids (related to the VISA) and now he needs to deal with the possible baby issue. Please walk away. He's using you. At some level you know this but for whatever reason keep giving him chances. Even though he has women and children everywhere. You are not responsible for his residency. Please set yourself free to find an honest decent man who cares about you. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps Permanently. 1
Author Battlescarred Posted October 27, 2023 Author Posted October 27, 2023 22 hours ago, Gaeta said: All that investment while he was not investing much in you. Lets put him and his feelings aside for a moment. What do you get out of this? There is a man in your life that is absent physically & emotionally, a man that is secretive, does not let you in, does not communicate, does not make you feel special or a priority and now is slowly fading you. A confident woman would have 'never' put up with this. What ever this was between you, that I cannot even call a relationship, it's over. And it's much better for you that it be over. Now, you need to do a lot of work on yourself to become that confident woman you think you are. Confident women don't accept mediocrity, confident women expect sincere efforts from their partner, communication, respect, transparency, team work. You don't have that from him, you will never get it. Look how he's making you feel about yourself :doesn't have the time and energy to put up with my emotions. You feel the way you do because you are being neglected, ignored, pushed aside, you are starting to have the thought process of an abused person. Please let him go. Thank you so much for your clarity, and you are right I need to work on myself and should never have put up with this behaviour in the first place. Which on reflection and especially in writing it down is so clear that I'm not sure how I could have missed it - unless of course I was just lying to myself and ignoring it hoping that it would change. Think next week will be a new beginning for me! 1
Author Battlescarred Posted October 27, 2023 Author Posted October 27, 2023 14 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: My best guess is you have an insecure attachment style. Your abandonment issues are being triggered. Thank you so much, I have now looked at these and I feel like I resonate closely with an anxiety attachment style which partically explains most of my feelings. Something I can now work on and hopefully adjust for future relationships.
Author Battlescarred Posted October 27, 2023 Author Posted October 27, 2023 13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Please walk away. He's using you. At some level you know this but for whatever reason keep giving him chances. Even though he has women and children everywhere. You are not responsible for his residency. Please set yourself free to find an honest decent man who cares about you. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps Permanently. Thanks you so much, I agree that he is using me on some level and I just won't continue with the situation. I should point out however that his VISA issue has nothing to do with me and is a longstanding issue which has been ongoing since I met him and has only recently got more compliated. I have never been involved with that issue and wouldn't be responsible for that in any way. I intend to be NC until next week when I will request to have access to pick up my belongings. Thankfully we have never linked on Social Media - and yes I now see this was probably a red flag too!!
stillafool Posted October 27, 2023 Posted October 27, 2023 (edited) I think he layed eyes on that baby and fell in love. It probably rekindled any feelings he had for his baby's momma also. It sounds like he's just stringing you along. It also sounds like you're hanging onto him for dear life when you should have let him go along time ago. Edited October 27, 2023 by stillafool
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