SammyStrings Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 Yikes! I have such a predicament and need some insight please! I've been praying about it and this is my first time seeking external help. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my family about it, so that's where you come in. For reference, I'm in my 30s and take my relationships very seriously, so this isn't just like an "oh it'll pass" type of thing. I've been in a relationship for 7-8 months now, but more than half of it has been "on hold" while my boyfriend finishes studying for promotion. I'm a one man type of woman so I said, no problem. He's a great guy so I can wait until you have more time to focus on the relationship. I don't go out with the girls drinking, I don't work with many people of the opposite sex, and I don't put myself in situations to jeopardize this. Well... I never thought I did. But a super unexpected thing just happened. A mutual friend, that's right (a friend of both me and my boyfriends!) who I thought knew of our relationship completely caught me off guard. We have the same friends group that all write and play music together. So I'm laughing and joking with this friend when I realize, crap... I'm having a blast with this person. What the heck. That same moment he touches my hand and says how much I've improved, etc... how did this happen? I immediately was like omg, you didn't know (because things have been "on hold" so he hasn't seen him around). He apologized and mentioned how awesome my boyfriend is and said hey, if you're happy that's really all that matters, but that he was surprised by the connection we had. And now I am the one that cannot shake this connection we have. I thought I had this with my bf, too. So, I'm not sure if I've just been "lonely" and am now like oh wow, that felt nice to share a hobby and connect or what... but I find myself actually thinking about what a relationship would be like with this guy. I feel guilty and confused and honestly find myself wanting to spend time with this friend... but what if that's not even his intention. And what if I mess up what could potentially be a good thing by even thinking about this... Send help!
MsJayne Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 7-8 months in terms of a relationship is nothing, so not much lost if you decide to ditch your current BF. As far as a relationship being on hold while your BF studies for promotion, I have to assume he's something really important, like a brain surgeon or the district attorney, because otherwise it's an avoidance strategy because you're just not a priority. If you don't want marriage or children then it doesn't matter if you're put on relationship-hold in your thirties, but if you do I would strongly recommend moving on and finding someone who values other things beside his career and himself. 3
stillafool Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 I think if you feel a connection with someone else at the 7-8 months of the relationship you probably aren't all in anyway. Break up and explore the new guy. 4
basil67 Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 1 hour ago, SammyStrings said: but more than half of it has been "on hold" while my boyfriend finishes studying for promotion. Here is the cause - your boyfriend's work life balance is off. I can understand seeing less of each other, but stopping the relationship for months is nuts. And I think all that distance has your feelings for him waning. I mean, he couldn't even give the relationship one Saturday or Sunday per week? Thing is, a relationship needs to be nurtured...fed and watered regularly. 4
Alpacalia Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 (edited) You're not satisfied in your current relationship if you are developing feelings for someone else. Cheating and being unfaithful is never the answer and it's important to handle the situation so just break up. Edited October 23, 2023 by Alpacalia 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 23, 2023 Posted October 23, 2023 1 hour ago, SammyStrings said: , I'm not sure if I've just been "lonely" and am now like oh wow, that felt nice to share a hobby and connect or what... but I find myself actually thinking about what a relationship would be like with this guy. Why is your relationship "on hold"? Is this a distance situation? Your encounter with this friend seems to be a wake up call, that you're not ready for an exclusive relationship or not satisfied with your relationship and BF. 2
basil67 Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why is your relationship "on hold"? Is this a distance situation? He's studying for promotion
glows Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 Can you define what the “on hold” means, OP? Is this meeting once a week for example instead of three times a week or are we talking no meetings/no dates and no sex and no affection in any way? A relationship drier than my martini? Second, do you know if hands guy is single? And lastly the real kicker would you realistically AT ALL entertain dating a mutual friend whom your boyfriend also knows? Would you think this would create some discomfort in the group? Keep in mind most people fantasize and feel tickled at the extra attention, even in committed relationships but committed is just that - you are making the decision to be with the other person and not riding on emotions alone. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 When half the length of your relationship has been "on hold" it's not a relationship. It's BS. You are either together or you are not. You two are not. You are right it's not "going to pass" because your BF doesn't give a fig about you. Most people can balance school, work, & a relationship. This guy can't because he doesn't want to I'm glad you had fun with the other guy. Pursue him because he might actually show up & participate in a relationship. Your "BF" is wasting your time, stringing you along & not on the same page as you. 3
Author SammyStrings Posted October 24, 2023 Author Posted October 24, 2023 5 hours ago, glows said: Can you define what the “on hold” means, OP? Is this meeting once a week for example instead of three times a week or are we talking no meetings/no dates and no sex and no affection in any way? A relationship drier than my martini? Second, do you know if hands guy is single? And lastly the real kicker would you realistically AT ALL entertain dating a mutual friend whom your boyfriend also knows? Would you think this would create some discomfort in the group? Keep in mind most people fantasize and feel tickled at the extra attention, even in committed relationships but committed is just that - you are making the decision to be with the other person and not riding on emotions alone. Thanks for the reply, I think you're understanding the situation best as my thought process has been very similar. So, he initially wanted to see each other once a month and I said, that's not going to work for me, because I know myself and although I'm in no rush for major relationship milestones, I KNOW my feelings would fade. So then he agreed to every weekend, but it took a sit-down talk to establish this (which made me a little salty from the start), but I do know he's genuinely focused on this promotion and wasn't necessarily looking for a relationship either. But yes, you're pretty accurate with the dryness, even though we see each other on weekends now, it was 90% me doing my own thing while he studies, so I committed to helping him study as that was really the only way we'd hang out. Hands guy is single - I agree, it would make the group dynamic weird for sure, but at the same time, we're all adults and both guys are mature. But I guess I was asking this question because, yes, I am entertaining the idea in my mind (don't tell lol) Now is this just a fantasizing thing? Maybe... I have known HG for about the same length as my bf, and we never connected prior, but I also very much keep to myself - HG does, too... I just can't shake the 'why now?' - I think HG is shy, finally started talking to me, I was oblivious to it and by the time I realized what was happening, I had grown some type of feeling, too. I have been fully committed to the bf, even through this whole 'hold' process, I wouldn't even consider looking for another relationship even knowing he was putting him and his career first. I have my own hobbies, passions, career I focus on, too. I'm perfectly content being alone and I guess what is the trickiest part is that I am picky as heck when it comes to relationships. My bf was the first person I really recognized as having a similar outlook on life, hence why I agreed to "hold," but as it SEEMS - HG is this way, too. Again, I don't know him to the extent of the bf but from what I do know, I like.
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2023 Posted October 24, 2023 You can't drag an unwilling person into a relationship. He is not making an effort because he doesn't want to make an effort. You are so far down his priority list that you don't matter. Why do you continue to put up with this? Being picky is not a reason. Break things off officially & go explore with the new guy. 3
NuevoYorko Posted October 25, 2023 Posted October 25, 2023 The "relationship" you are currently having is not functional. Why are you doing it anyway? It seems obvious that he doesn't have time, energy, or frankly much interest. Since you're so keen on sticking around he's not simply cutting you off but I don't see that he's offering anything, least of all enthusiasm for having anything in the present OR the future with you. Because the future of relationships needs to be nurtured in the present. This is very much not the case. So, please free yourself from this guy. If there is something there worth having, he will come around after he gets his promotion, or doesn't, and spend time and energy on having a relationship with you. Don't put anything on hold pending this. Go ahead and date the friend if you want to. Please don't worry about being mutual friends in a common group with your current sort-of bf. It doesn't matter. It's very common for young people in a friend group to be a bit incestuous in their dating habits and it's not "wrong." Your friend group is where you are meeting people. 2
glows Posted October 26, 2023 Posted October 26, 2023 On 10/24/2023 at 3:39 AM, SammyStrings said: Thanks for the reply, I think you're understanding the situation best as my thought process has been very similar. So, he initially wanted to see each other once a month and I said, that's not going to work for me, because I know myself and although I'm in no rush for major relationship milestones, I KNOW my feelings would fade. So then he agreed to every weekend, but it took a sit-down talk to establish this (which made me a little salty from the start), but I do know he's genuinely focused on this promotion and wasn't necessarily looking for a relationship either. But yes, you're pretty accurate with the dryness, even though we see each other on weekends now, it was 90% me doing my own thing while he studies, so I committed to helping him study as that was really the only way we'd hang out. Hands guy is single - I agree, it would make the group dynamic weird for sure, but at the same time, we're all adults and both guys are mature. But I guess I was asking this question because, yes, I am entertaining the idea in my mind (don't tell lol) Now is this just a fantasizing thing? Maybe... I have known HG for about the same length as my bf, and we never connected prior, but I also very much keep to myself - HG does, too... I just can't shake the 'why now?' - I think HG is shy, finally started talking to me, I was oblivious to it and by the time I realized what was happening, I had grown some type of feeling, too. I have been fully committed to the bf, even through this whole 'hold' process, I wouldn't even consider looking for another relationship even knowing he was putting him and his career first. I have my own hobbies, passions, career I focus on, too. I'm perfectly content being alone and I guess what is the trickiest part is that I am picky as heck when it comes to relationships. My bf was the first person I really recognized as having a similar outlook on life, hence why I agreed to "hold," but as it SEEMS - HG is this way, too. Again, I don't know him to the extent of the bf but from what I do know, I like. Let’s think of it this way - why does he want this promotion. Does he need more money? Is it job stability? What are his intentions behind being promoted? I’m very curious here as I usually hear reasons for wanting a promotion being more financial stability for family, spouse, kids, being able to afford vacations with loved ones and enjoying a better standard of life in general. Some just want recognition and status, a title. What are the reasons for your bf wanting a promotion? Does it point back to moving forward with your relationship? Being able to do more in his life with you? Where do you factor into this promotion? I agree with the previous comments and I also would wonder what is his true end goal working like this? Did he miss the forest for the trees? Are his values totally misaligned with yours? Do you know what you want in this relationship? Do you both match in values and ideas about the future? I feel like you’re aware of the misalignment but maybe haven’t had a chance to look deeper into his intentions and what he is about because it can be scary realizing someone is completely disembodied and different from you. It may take you away and crush your hopes for your future with him. HG sounds sweet but know what you want too and don’t repeat the same thing with HG if his values don’t align with yours either.
Wiseman2 Posted October 26, 2023 Posted October 26, 2023 On 10/23/2023 at 4:21 PM, SammyStrings said: Ive been in a relationship for 7-8 months now, but more than half of it has been "on hold" Unfortunately this doesn't seem like much of a relationship. Please set yourself free for men who are ready willing and able to have the type of relationship you are looking for.
Gaeta Posted October 26, 2023 Posted October 26, 2023 You have to know when a man/relationship deserves your patience & loyalty. You are giving all of your best efforts to the wrong man. A man puts you on hold after 3 months dating and you offer him love and patience as if this was a 2 year relationship where he had time to prove himself to you. He proved something to you alright! That you are not that important. Like @MsJayne said unless he's studying to become the head of the surgery department at his hospital I cannot imagine a promotion that needs 4+ months of full time studying. It's time you free yourself from this non sense. As for your current guy: The saying goes if you don't take care of your girlfriend someone else will. You cannot lose by breaking up even if it doesn't work out with this new guy, you will meet someone much better than current boyfriend. 1
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