Is it true that getting married is too risky with divorce in today's climate?

[ironpony]

I really feel like marrying my gf and want to propose soon.  We have been together for three years about, and would like to propose if we are still together and it's going well after another year perhaps or soon for sure.

However, since she is in her 20s, some people around me say to not marry a woman that is in her 20s because women who get married in that age range, tend to be the most likely to file for divorce later.  I am in my 30s.

However, I haven't had many relationships and this is the best one I have been in by far and it's going so well for me.  I have never loved a woman so much before, and it's been the most successful relationship I have had.

So I find it ironic how people think that my most successful relationship is the most risky, since it's been the most successful so far.  But do others have a point that marrying a person in their 20s is really high risk and I should wait till she is in her 30s, if that is what people think?

Edited October 22, 2023 by ironpony

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, ironpony said:

 people think that my most successful relationship is the most risky, since it's been the most successful so far.

Who is warning you about marrying? Your parents or her family? Are you both able to support yourselves and live independently? That's what is important.

There are a great many things that contribute to success or failure of a marriage, so you should focus on that and your specific situation. You could try living together for a while first. 

The way your question is worded is too broad similar to asking "is it worthwhile taking an umbrella if there's a 50% chance of rain?"

Edited October 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ironpony]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who is warning you about marrying? Your parents or her family? Are you both able to support yourselves and live independently? You could try living together for a while first. 

My parents, and a friend so far.  We are going to try living together anyway, so I guess we could do that, but I still feel the warning from them wouldn't change, though.

[basil67]

From a quick glance at the internet, it seems that those who are most likely to divorce are couples who marry in their late teens/early 20's...so are their stats even correct?

But @Wiseman2 is right.  You can't live your life based on statistics.  What matters is how well the two of you manage your marriage.   For example, do you live together yet?  Have you gotten help with things such as remembering to manage your bills?  Does she want to marry you?  Do you both want children/or not?   Do you have similar views on money management?  How easily do you resolve arguments?  

 

Edited October 22, 2023 by basil67

[Lauriebell82]

I got married at 28 and I am divorced...but not by choice my ex husband wanted the divorce. I think age plays a *part* but compatibility plays MORE of a part then age in terms of divorce. Our communication was always terrible. We couldn't talk through anything or resolve anything. We would just end up talking in circles. I wanted to keep trying to resolve the communication difficulties but he was just done. But he did the right thing. He wasn't going to change. And that's okay. 

I wouldn't worry about divorce stats and focus on what you actually have in your relationship. That's what matters the most! 

[ironpony]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

From a quick glance at the internet, it seems that those who are most likely to divorce are couples who marry in their late teens/early 20's...so are their stats even correct?

But @Wiseman2 is right.  You can't live your life based on statistics.  What matters is how well the two of you manage your marriage.   For example, do you live together yet?  Have you gotten help with things such as remembering to manage your bills?  Does she want to marry you?  Do you both want children/or not?   Do you have similar views on money management?  How easily do you resolve arguments?  

 

Oh ok thank you very much. 

We don't live together on paper but I stay there a lot to save on gas money and travel time.

My memory has improved since a doctor prescribed me some medication and I took advice to drink coffee which helps.

I also have my bills set up to pay automatically now which has helped.

[ironpony]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

From a quick glance at the internet, it seems that those who are most likely to divorce are couples who marry in their late teens/early 20's...so are their stats even correct?

But @Wiseman2 is right.  You can't live your life based on statistics.  What matters is how well the two of you manage your marriage.   For example, do you live together yet?  Have you gotten help with things such as remembering to manage your bills?  Does she want to marry you?  Do you both want children/or not?   Do you have similar views on money management?  How easily do you resolve arguments?  

 

We don't want children.  We resolve arguments quite easily.  We manage money's into our individual investments differently.  She says she would marry me if I proposed.

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok thank you very much. 

We don't live together on paper but I stay there a lot to save on gas money and travel time.

My memory has improved since a doctor prescribed me some medication and I took advice to drink coffee which helps.

I also have my bills set up to pay automatically now which has helped.

Wow, it's awesome that you've made these changes!   Woo hoo!!

With all due respect to your parents (I'm sure they were doing the best they could) they should have guided you through this process of medication and how to pay bills long and being independent long ago.  I guess they were wanting to protect you from mistakes?  But given what you write, it seems their approach is always about holding you back from independence.  With this in mind, I wouldn't pay too much attention to them wanting to block your idea of marriage...it's just more of the same.

Do what you think is right.  Learn to trust yourself.  Yes, there will be mistakes along the way...but remember that we all make mistakes. 

[d0nnivain]

A happy marriage is based on compatibility; shared values; communication & balanced finances. 

Having a LONG engagement, of at least one year can help.  Getting pre-marital counseling is a good plan.  These classes help you with disclosure & conflict resolution.  When you talk about the uncomfortable stuff, especially before marriage, it makes it easier to discuss problems & tough issues when they arise.  

If your parents are objecting, ask them what they think the secret to their happy marriage is.  When they tell you ask how you can incorporate those things into your relationship.  

Once you get engaged, it's time to make a wedding budget.  Don't go into debt for the sake of a party.  

[Gaeta]

The lenght of a relationship depends on so much more than our age. 

Relationships last or they don't. Being married does not make a difference. If you are with the wrong partner it won't last, married or not.

Don't live your life as if you were sitting on the passenger's side, you both want to get married then go ahead! If you divorce down the line so what? You still had a few good years with that person that you loved more than anything.

If you have asstes protect yourself with a prenup.

[Els]

On 10/23/2023 at 9:04 AM, ironpony said:

My parents, and a friend so far.  We are going to try living together anyway, so I guess we could do that, but I still feel the warning from them wouldn't change, though.

With all due respect, your parents also thought it was "too risky" for you to move out of their house... in your 30s.

What exactly are you afraid to lose in a divorce? It's fine if both people prefer to marry in their 30s - it's what H and I did, but it was a personal decision, not one that was made by our parents (it was, in fact, the exact opposite of what my parents were pressuring me to do). Regardless of whether you marry now or later, honestly I think you need to man up and stop letting your parents influence your decisions to this extent. You are an adult and have been an adult for almost half your life now. You need to ask yourself what YOU want to do.

 

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Els said:

With all due respect, your parents also thought it was "too risky" for you to move out of their house... in your 30s.

What exactly are you afraid to lose in a divorce? It's fine if both people prefer to marry in their 30s - it's what H and I did, but it was a personal decision, not one that was made by our parents (it was, in fact, the exact opposite of what my parents were pressuring me to do). Regardless of whether you marry now or later, honestly I think you need to man up and stop letting your parents influence your decisions to this extent. You are an adult and have been an adult for almost half your life now. You need to ask yourself what YOU want to do.

 

Oh I was afraid of possibly loosing it dividing my home in the divorce, if a divorce were to happen.

I can make the decision.

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh I was afraid of possibly loosing it dividing my home in the divorce, if a divorce were to happen.

I can make the decision.

You don't own a home

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Oh I was afraid of possibly loosing it dividing my home in the divorce, if a divorce were to happen.

I can make the decision.

 

If you buy a house as a married couple, using money both of you contribute the house belongs to both of you.  In the event of a divorce you sell & split the proceeds.   It might be different if one of you owned a home in your own name before you married but that is not the case.  

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

If you buy a house as a married couple, using money both of you contribute the house belongs to both of you.  In the event of a divorce you sell & split the proceeds.   It might be different if one of you owned a home in your own name before you married but that is not the case.  

Oh ok but I will be the only one buying and contributing if that makes a difference?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok but.....

These are questions for attorneys. Or you can google marriage laws, prenuptial agreements and so forth. 

To solve your issue. Live together and rent for a while before you get married. 

[basil67]

Why wouldn't she be contributing to a house if you're married?  And can you afford a house on your own?

Edited October 26, 2023 by basil67

[ironpony]

Just now, basil67 said:

Why wouldn't she be contributing to a house if you're married?

Oh it's she can save up for her own things, if I get the whole house myself.  Plus if I get it all myself, in the event that she should leave me later, at least I have a roof over my head I figure.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh it's she can save up for her own things, if I get the whole house myself.  Plus if I get it all myself, in the event that she should leave me later, at least I have a roof over my head I figure.

You need to get advice from a lawyer on this.  

 

Edited October 26, 2023 by basil67

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You need to get advice from a lawyer on this.  

 

I can do that.  I talked to a realtor about it, but I can talk to a lawyer about it as well.  Thanks.

[basil67]

I hope the realtor told you to speak to a lawyer!   

Are you already looking at property?  Have you been preapproved for a home loan?

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh it's she can save up for her own things, if I get the whole house myself.  Plus if I get it all myself, in the event that she should leave me later, at least I have a roof over my head I figure.

That's not the right frame of mind to enter a marriage. Couples marry to build a life together, you buy a house together. If she has less down payment then the notary will divide accordingly example you own 75% of the house and she 25%. Why would she want to live in a house only you own while she cleans it, maintains it and builds memories in it.

[ironpony]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

That's not the right frame of mind to enter a marriage. Couples marry to build a life together, you buy a house together. If she has less down payment then the notary will divide accordingly example you own 75% of the house and she 25%. Why would she want to live in a house only you own while she cleans it, maintains it and builds memories in it.

Oh well I think she thinks the deal is kind of sweet for her since she can save for her own business more so, as a result.  Or she doesn't seem to mind.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh well I think she thinks the deal is kind of sweet for her since she can save for her own business more so, as a result.  Or she doesn't seem to mind.

She also needs to speak to a lawyer.  
 

At any rate, you’d need to get this formalised before you marry, and she’d need a lawyer for that anyway 
 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I can do that.  I talked to a realtor about it, but I can talk to a lawyer about it as well.  Thanks.

A realtor is a salesperson, not an attorney. Please live together and rent for a while.