Break up: Is it the end or am I overthinking again?

[Antho]

My ex and I were in a long-distance relationship while we were both in college. Her college had stricter demands than mine. During our first year, our relationship was amazing. We had constant communication, always discussed our problems, and had a supportive dynamic. We never really had any major fights. But this year, her second year of college, things got tougher.

During her first year, she didn't have many friends, and I was her main source of support. We talked every day, had spontaneous calls, and I was always there for her. However, this year, she made friends and became busy, which caused a significant drop in our communication. We barely talked for the three months since school started, and it took a toll on our relationship.

About a month ago, she decided to break up. But here's the catch – she still professed her love for me and expressed her desire to be with me. Her reason for the breakup was that she felt overwhelmed by school and didn't have the capacity for a relationship at the moment. She hoped to fix things once she returned, but she also felt guilty because she knew I'm prone to overthinking and worried about how this would affect me.

I recently realized that I have an anxious attachment style, while she has an avoidant attachment style. In the weeks following the breakup, I asked her twice if she still wanted to be with me, both times with a four-day gap. She responded with love and compassion, emphasizing that I was her ideal person. She explained that her school-related stress was what prevented her from being in a relationship, and she hoped to get better in the future.

Last week, I asked her if we could call each other because my anxiety got the best of me. The conversation didn't go well, and I found myself unstable. She doesn't like conflict, and my behavior made her feel sick. I did criticize myself, saying things like "I'm dumb," but I never attacked or disrespected her. I also brought up the fact that she had deleted some pictures from our relationship on her Instagram, emphasizing that we weren't together anymore. After that call, she removed all traces of me from her Instagram, probably because she felt trapped, but she didn't block me on social media.

I realized that I needed to respect her need for space and began working on myself. I've been trying to reduce my anxiety, working out, meditating, and identifying areas in which I can improve. I sent her one last message, apologizing for the intense conversation we had, and asked how she was. She replied with "I'm good, how about you?" and then acknowledged my apology, saying "it's fine, it was intense." I told her that I was in the middle of exams, and she wished me good luck. I replied with a simple "thank you" and decided to give her the space she needs.

It's been a week since our last interaction, and while I'm focusing on self-improvement and managing my anxiety, I can't help but wonder if that last call might have ruined everything. I've made peace with the idea that she may choose not to be with me as long as she's happy. However, I still deeply want to be with her, as I see her as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Edited October 22, 2023 by Antho

[basil67]

I'm sorry, this is the end.  But don't go blaming yourself or your reactions.....she was already done when she first asked to break up but lacked the courage to do it properly.  So she strung you along until she realised how her behaviour was affecting you.  Then she made the proper end which she should have done in the first place.

Being perfectly honest, I also think there are other romantic options going on at college.   

Best to focus on getting over her and enjoy your own college experience

[Antho]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry, this is the end.  But don't go blaming yourself or your reactions.....she was already done when she first asked to break up but lacked the courage to do it properly.  So she strung you along until she realised how her behaviour was affecting you.  Then she made the proper end which she should have done in the first place.

Being perfectly honest, I also think there are other romantic options going on at college.   

Best to focus on getting over her and enjoy your own college experience

How can you be so sure of that? She said mutlple times that she still wanted things to work and that we were gonna talk in a month when she comes back for Thanksgiving break. She said I was her person and best friend and to never forget that.

[basil67]

Just now, Antho said:

How can you be so sure of that? She said mutlple times that she still wanted things to work and that we were gonna talk in a month when she comes back for Thanksgiving break. She said I was her person and best friend and to never forget that.

She deleted all trace of you from IG!!  People don't do that to those they value.    The truth is in her actions, not her words.

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Antho said:

How can you be so sure of that? She said mutlple times that she still wanted things to work and that we were gonna talk in a month when she comes back for Thanksgiving break. She said I was her person and best friend and to never forget that.

Sorry, @Antho, but someone who wants things to work out with you does not break up with you and hope you'll sit somewhere with your life and emotions on pause, waiting until they get their act together. When someone actually breaks up with you, they are basically saying they're okay with taking the risk that you'll get used to being single and move on. If the person assumes that your feelings for them will not evolve post-break up and that you'll still be at the same place emotionally when they do decide to talk, they're taking you for granted. 

What you should do: Respect yourself and your feelings. If hanging around in limbo until Thanksgiving is gonna make you anxious, then don't do it. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. And if you decide you don't want to talk to her or do things on her terms, that's fine. You matter too. Your preferences count.

Now remember, her wanting to end the relationship does not make her a terrible person. Anyone in a relationship can end it, and the other person should respect that choice. However, in ending the relationship, they should not string the other person along or treat them like some object that can be pushed around at their convenience.

[Acacia98]

It's too late for me to edit my previous post. So let me just say that I don't think your actions changed the course of events in any meaningful way. Reading between the lines, it sounds like she had every intention of breaking up with you from the beginning. However, I get the impression that she was going to string you along before ultimately doing so. It also sounds like you've placed her on a a pedestal, while she takes you for granted. If you had the opportunity to reconcile, I would not encourage you to do so because it sounds like you would respect her feelings and preferences more than your own and would feel the need to apologize about having emotional needs. It also sounds like her avoidance of conflict and honest communication would hurt you deeply. Last but not least, she's shown you that, when the going gets tough, she breaks up. So you'd always worry about that if you were going through challenging times.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Antho said:

How can you be so sure of that?

Because many of us here are a lot older than you, and have seen time and time again how this plays out. Some of us (myself included) have been in the same situation and know how it generally ends up. You are probably not going to be the exception. 

Look, she is young and clearly not very experienced with life and dating yet. She is thus making the mistake a lot of inexperienced dumpers make, which is to try to soften the blow for their ex by reassuring them that they still love them and want to be with them - but if that were true, the relationship wouldn't have ended. They are usually just words to soothe their own guilt for hurting you, and a misguided attempt to ease the pain. Those words rarely mean much, in the end. 

It sounds like she had been pulling away for a while before she ended it. Maybe it's school stress, or maybe she's met someone else and wants to explore that. Talking again at Thanksgiving is not going to change anything. If she wanted to be with, she'd have found a way to stay connected. Your reaction to her breaking up with you didn't change anything here. She had still decided it was over for her. 

I am sorry you're in a lot of pain. Please don't hedge any bets on talking again in a month. Focus instead of moving forward and putting her behind you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Antho said:

She said I was her person and best friend and to never forget that

Eh, look what her actions are telling you. 

She wants to appear single on social media. Think about what that means, man. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Antho said:

Last week, I asked her if we could call each other because my anxiety got the best of me. The conversation didn't go well, and I found myself unstable. She doesn't like conflict, and my behavior made her feel sick

Sorry this is happening. Try to get more involved in your own campus life including academics, sports, groups, clubs and events. Try to make more friends at your university. Make the most of your university years. 

 Keep focusing on yourself your mental and physical health and self improvement. Distance relationships are lonely and frustrating.  Try not to stunt each other's growth and development. 

Unfortunately she seems to be trying to let you down easy because of your poor reaction to the breakup and inability to give her space.

Please keep in mind she needs to focus on her life at school and it's possible she wants to date others. You should consider the same thing rather than having each other as security blankets. 

 

 

Edited October 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ladyeatinggreens20]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this... I really am. I have been the dumper and know that people break up for different reasons. The dumper feels just as bad as the dumpee sometimes. Just depends on what's going on in your relationship.

What are you leaving out of the initial post, if anything? I'm just wondering did anything specific happen between you two, other than what you said in your initial post?  People in general usually breakup with people for a reason. Even if it's something small in your eyes, e.g. when people repeat themselves about issues that go unchanged, we typically will leave unless we're glutens for punishment, we're married or we have a great deal of patience.

Just asking...

[d0nnivain]

The call didn't ruin this & you are not dumb. 

This relationship ran its course.  It was great in HS when you weren't long distance.  It was good when she had no friends & still made time for you.  Now she has friends plus a tough course load.  There are only so many hours in a day & she no longer prioritizes you & your relationship.  She wants to have fun with her college friends.   

It's not about you.  It's about timing, distance & the reality that very few relationships survive the transition from HS to college.    She doesn't dislike you.  You did nothing wrong.  It's just life. 

Sorry. 

Let her go.  Work on your anxiety.  Get involved with new & different things at your school.  

It's going to be hard when you are both home from the holidays.  Even if you spend  time together that won't mean you are getting back together.  It will mean that you are an important part of her past & will always be each other's first loves.  That doesn't mean you will be each other's last loves.  

Edited November 8, 2023 by d0nnivain

[Progress99]

Chemistry over character. Her actions speak way louder. Focus on yourself and school, no need to hang on to hope for now. It'll get easier.