I am feeling uncomfortable with the bond between my boyfriend and female friend

[Popstick9674]

AITA for feeling uncomfortable of the bond between my boyfriend and his childhood friend

So I (18F) have been dating my boyfriend Aaron  (17M) for almost 7 months and lately I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with the way he acts with his childhood friend Sinda (17F). He had a crush on me for about 3 years but due to me being in another relationship I did not give him a chance. After he gave me a rose for Valentine’s Day I wanted to give  him a chance to get to know him better. After a few dates and a lot of conversations he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes and we started dating. I found out that he also gave a rose to Sinda.They used had a crush on each other and it didn’t go anywhere. They are really clingy in class (They hug each other a lot, He gave her a foot massage,…). I felt really uncomfortable hearing that because I know they had a crush on each other. I had a talk with him about the fact that they are really close but he told me not to worry about it because they are just friends and they talk about her problems and he thinks Sinda is toxic sometimes.He admitted to me that they are too clingy sometimes and he lied about him hugging her once when they did multiple times. Am I exaggerating?

[Wiseman2]

He's really really into her, and at some level you know this. He's too immature for you. Trust your instincts and tell him it's not working out. Try to date more mature boys who aren't playing footies with their crushes, just using you to get experience, make her jealous or kill time until she agrees to go out with him.

[Gaeta]

I'm surprised you put up with that for 7 months.

Here is my advise, never be in a relationship where you wonder about another woman. Of course boyfriends can have female friends but they should treat them like male friends and always make you feel like you're the special one.

I would break up with this one, no matter what he says he is not serious about you. 

 

[stillafool]

At some point your boyfriend and Sinda are going to cross the line and start kissing and having sex.  Don't hang around for that.  You deserve a guy who respects you.

[d0nnivain]

It's a tough call.   I am a big believer that preexisting FRIENDS trump new romances.  The friend was there 1st & the new SO needs to fit into the dynamic. 

That applies to purely platonic friendships, not EXs who are still hanging around or crushes.   

Since she's a crush . . . somebody he would date if the circumstances were right . . .you are correct to be cautious of this.  Problem is you can't ask him to chose.  If he isn't fully choosing you & treating you head & shoulders above the GF he is in effect choosing her.  You are only the GF because he hasn't convinced her to take the position.  

[MsJayne]

On 10/21/2023 at 6:53 AM, Popstick9674 said:

Am I exaggerating?

No, Sinda needs to go find someone else to massage her feet and give her Valentine's gifts.   

 

On 10/21/2023 at 6:53 AM, Popstick9674 said:

he thinks Sinda is toxic sometimes.

Then he should act on that and make sure she stays in the friend lane and doesn't cross over into girlfriend-ish territory. All that hugging and foot-rubbing would have me searching for a bucket to vomit into. Does he hug his guy friends in class? Having opposite sex friends is fine, but not when it's all crushy and sends a bad message to a partner it's not acceptable.  I'd let him know either Sinda goes or you do, but given that he's so young maybe you should just put it down to immaturity and reconsider whether the relationship's worth the stress and worry. 

[smackie9]

Nothing wrong with having friends but you need to explain to him now that you both are serious he will have to adjust to not behaving a certain way with her, and to stop doing couply things with her. It's called setting boundaries. Ask him how would he feel if you were doing those things and acting that way with another guy. If he still doesn't get it, tell him that you can just be friends then, and that you can't be with him anymore. 

[Spainglish]

It's been my experience that the girl "friend" you most need to worry about is the one he says "you have nothing to worry about".  If he puts her down (saying she's toxic), it's his way of convincing himself not to cross that line.  Also, a past "crush" is a crush no matter how much time has passed.   

If you respect someone else's relationship you aren't touchy feely and getting or giving foot massages to/from their partner.  It's called boundaries, and your BF and his GF clearly haven't learned about boundaries or just don't care. 

If he doesn't make you feel like number one, you should seriously consider moving on before he takes advantage of your trust and crosses the line with this crush. 

 

[Acacia98]

On 10/20/2023 at 11:53 PM, Popstick9674 said:

I found out that he also gave a rose to Sinda.They used had a crush on each other and it didn’t go anywhere. They are really clingy in class (They hug each other a lot, He gave her a foot massage,…). I felt really uncomfortable hearing that because I know they had a crush on each other. I had a talk with him about the fact that they are really close but he told me not to worry about it because they are just friends and they talk about her problems and he thinks Sinda is toxic sometimes.He admitted to me that they are too clingy sometimes and he lied about him hugging her once when they did multiple times. Am I exaggerating?

You have every right to feel uncomfortable about their friendship. You have expressed your concerns to him and it seems like he intends to continue doing the same things.

So what can you do about it? Well, it is not your place to dictate how he should behave. All you can do is tell him about your concerns and give him an opportunity to respond to them. And if his response is not reassuring, then your ending things is perfectly justified.

In my opinion, your best bet is to view this as a matter or compatibility. You're the sort of person who views friendships and relationships in particular ways. You believe certain forms of behavior should only occur between romantically involved couples, not friends. He is a different person. So he has every right to view friendships and relationships differently from you. But that makes you incompatible. You are better off dating someone who will restrict gestures like buying roses and foot massages to his interactions with you, and this guy is better off dating women who share his relaxed boundaries.