My GF often borrows money from me

[smackie9]

On 10/18/2023 at 6:48 AM, tokidoki said:

We're a couple. What do you mean 'do exactly what you've been doing'. I should clarify. I'm not asking advice on whether to lend her money or not. I'm asking for advice on how to deal with her becoming sulky and passive aggressive when I tell her that unfortunately, I'm not able to lend her any money this time. I have lent her money many times in the past.

You get to the root of her problem with money. You both will need to sit down and open up about where the money goes each month..bills, food, gas etc. This is so necessary to get sorted out before you go into a marriage. I also suggest couples counseling to find out how to readjust her poor attitude. Sulking, pouting, passive/aggressive is communication failure. So you have two things going against this relationshipher money issues, poor attitude. 

Edited October 19, 2023 by smackie9

[stillafool]

OP, I think you really need to think hard if you want to wind up with a woman who is this bad with money and sulks when you don't help her out.  Have you asked her why she isn't living within her budget the way you have to?

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, this is not about money per se. I guarantee you she sulks and acts like this on non-money issues as well when she doesn't immediately get her way. 

I also guarantee this.

Let's give you a million dollars and her a million dollars.. I would bet (and bet very confidently) that after a short period of time, she goes through her money and she comes asking you for more. And she would sulk if you refused to give her $10,000 as much as she would sulk for you not giving her $200. And she would show no gratitude for your loans and generosity. 

 

[Maldives]

On 10/18/2023 at 8:18 PM, tokidoki said:

I've been with my SO for nearly two years. I make a little more money than her but neither of us is hugely rich, nor poor.

Often, she will ask me to lend her small sums of money, $100, $200. Generally I'm ok with it but I am often waiting a week or so before being paid back. This week she asked me to lend her $200 again, but I said I can't as I only have $80 to last me to the end of the month and I don't want to go overdrawn, as I've had to pay charges lately. She sulked a bit, which I didn't appreciate. I asked if she had anyone else she could ask and she said no. 

I let it lie for a bit and said I could lend it to her if she was absolutely sure to pay me back in a few days, and I wouldn't have to ask for it back. Being owed money makes me anxious and I don't like being in a position of responsibility for someone else's finances. I told her that she could always borrow from the bank and apply for an overdraft but she told me she couldn't apply online and had to go to the branch. I asked her to give me her phone and within 3 minutes I had made an application for a $1000 overdraft and had it approved. She had obviously not tried very hard.

She is still sulky with me and I don't really see why. I've lent her money multiple times before and whilst she has always paid me back, I'd like to go a month without being owed money by someone else, gf or not. I don't think I'm a bad guy for drawing a line in the sand there.

I think it's a red flag personally. Expect more of it and ask yourself whether this is the kind of relationship you want to coexist in. You shouldn't have to be responsible for her money issues continually too stressful. I think it'll only hold you back goal wise in the future. 

Edited October 22, 2023 by Goodguy05

[basil67]

Who's idea was it to go on an expensive holiday?

[Acacia98]

On 10/19/2023 at 6:10 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

You got to stand up for yourself--even though it will be uncomfortable. 

And if she sulks, then you do NOT absorb the guilt. You may have to call out the "sulking." Look, I'm the one being asked to give money I don't have. And you're getting mad at me?!

This is worth a good argument because she is not respecting you--at all. And the sulking, which resulted in you going into overdraft, is totally manipulative. You could just as well sulk when she ASKS you for the money. But you aren't doing that.

This is a red flag. And the red flag isn't her shortage of money. The red flag is her way of attitude about assuming you should fix her money issues. She could ask for help with an attitude that you are NOT required to loan her money.  And she could be honest about how long it would take to repay you. She's going in the opposite direction. Guilting you, passive aggressiveness, disregarding repayment promises--straight up manipulation and lack of responsibility.

The burden is on her to be grateful. She's putting the burden on you to be grateful to loan her money! You gotta stand up here. If she bolts because you stand up, then she ain't the partner you want to be with. And look, money issues will stay with a couple, so you might as well face them now. 

Red flag brother. 

Question: does she act entitled like this on any other matters? Hopefully not. Some people just have weird attitudes about money. But if she's got self-absorbed, manipulative entitlement in other areas, brother you need to start thinking very hard things. 

 

I share this opinion, @OP. Her sulking may point to larger issues, which may ultimately translate into incompatibility. I definitely get the sense that your girlfriend's ideal relationship would be one in which she leaned on you to do the heavier lifting overall ( @glowsmakes good points on that subject.) Some guys would be okay with that. It doesn't sound like you're one of those guys. You sound more like you're looking for an equal partner. 

So don't get too comfortable. You may have been together for a significant chunk of time, but in some ways, you're still getting to know each other. 

[spiritedaway2003]

Both of you are not married. You can both talk about potentially splitting based on percentage of income (work as a team). Right now, you are splitting like roommates, which is fine.

If she could not afford her portion of the rent (due to living in high COL area), it means that she has overextended her budget.  The solution is for both of you to move to a more affordable (likely less ideal place) or she can take on additional jobs to make ends meet (how most people approach it).  I would be cautious to say her income is limitless by charging more (charge more, less volume).  I doubt she’d say the same about your job - work harder and get more bonuses.  The point here: don’t assume more to her income than what she is bringing in.  That’s what she is working with now.  

As a boyfriend, it would be nice if you offer once in a while when she is struggling but it sounds like it’s becoming more of a regular thing.  $100 here. $200 there. Not huge sums once in a while but if it’s happening regularly it speaks to a bigger budgeting problem that needs a longer term solution.  You are not the bank.

She needs to say “no” to vacation that may deplete her cash flow (but you may also want to be a good boyfriend and treat her to a vacation).  Aside from the resentments you are feeling, it shows a larger communication and incompatibility problem.  She sulks when she doesn’t get her way.  It’s possible she might look to your helping as a sign of love and care for her, but her financial responsibility is hers to own. 

Until you plan to marry, this issue might speak to a larger problem that might even threaten the potential union since you are a serious couple (e.g living together). Financial incompatibility is among the top reasons for divorce so you have to think about if this is a deal breaker, or if you both can compromise (her taking side gigs to complement her income or you both simply moving to a cheaper area where you can both afford/split the rent comfortably).   

Note:  your gf using the home as business and being able to deduct is not an advantage that is your business (in terms of financial calculation).  She just need to make sure she pays her half of the rent.