lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) Hi everyone, my boyfriend and I have been together for 1,5 years now. We have a steady relationship, he claims to have ‘never felt something for someone like this before’ and is sweet. He started to talk about the idea of marriage and that it’s something he would like to do with me. I think on 3 occasions he mentioned something about it. Once when we were watching a show in which a couple married, once at a wedding of friends. Both of the times he said ‘that could be us, I want that with you as well’. And about 3 months ago he asked me what I would like to have in our future. I said ‘a big travel and perhaps a wedding’. He agreed with both of that, saying that before, he never really wanted to marry but that he changed his mind about that. That it would be a great way to celebrate our love. For ourselves and with loved-ones. That it was a way for us both to explicitily give each other the message that we choose each other. Last week, we had a conversation because we recently moved in together. We had to decide on how to take care of the mortgage etc.We had to decide how to make-up the bills and in which form we want to live together. I asked him, just to get informed: ‘so how do you feel about marriage right now? Do you foresee it as something that could happen this coming year, or maybe more in a few years?” He responded kind of evasive, saying “yeah, that’s something I would still like to do someday. But I think right now, we’re very happy together but we’re just not there yet”. He thinks we should first grow in ‘togetherness’ , lessen our arguments and marriage as the crowning of an amazing relationship, not blunder to a ‘timeframe’. I don’t know why, but that sounds to me like he isn’t planning to propose and also has no plans to do so. I’m kind of dissapointed. Not because he isn’t proposing asap, but because of the evasiveness and the ‘we’re just not there yet’. Actually, it has me kind of shattered, but I don’t know of my expectations are too high. It also doesn’t seem compatible with his words of ‘never have felt something like this before’ etc. Etc. What do you think? Edited October 12, 2023 by lillylola Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 4 minutes ago, lillylola said: I said ‘a big travel and perhaps a wedding I think you were equally evasive in your answer to him. If a marriage is of most importance to you then you had to express that. You should have told him it's important to you to be married and you don't believe in decades long engagement. As for his explanation to delay a marriage to me it's a collection of excuses. You are not done hearing those. Couples marry to grow together, support each other through turmoil, to work together toward common goals. His explanation is you're both gonna do the hard work of life together then marry? Where's the logic into that? It's while you are working on all those common goals that you need the legal protection of marriage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I think you were equally evasive in your answer to him. If a marriage is of most importance to you then you had to express that. You should have told him it's important to you to be married and you don't believe in decades long engagement. As for his explanation to delay a marriage to me it's a collection of excuses. You are not done hearing those. Couples marry to grow together, support each other through turmoil, to work together toward common goals. His explanation is you're both gonna do the hard work of life together then marry? Where's the logic into that? It's while you are working on all those common goals that you need the legal protection of marriage. Thank you for your response! After we had this conversation, I made it clear to him that marriage is important to me. That I see it as a level-up in a relationship, that to me, it feels like you’re only ultimately committed when you’re married. He says he looks at it in a different way. That he is already ultimately committed to me, really wants to marry me but first wants to enjoy living together, don’t want to hassle things etc. He also said that the way I brought it made him feel pressured Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 17 minutes ago, lillylola said: But I think right now, we’re very happy together but we’re just not there yet”. He thinks we should first grow in ‘togetherness’ , lessen our arguments Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he's not interested in marriage. However he seems fine playing house which is what he is alluding two. Has he been manipulative before? For example fake future talk and empty promises to get you to go along with his plans? For now stop discussing marriage and instead see how living together works out and if you are happy. Is this the same man?: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 Now that you've moved in together he is in no hurry to marry you. He feels that is good enough. Just so you know, married couples do argue so if he's waiting for that to stop, he'll never be ready to marry you. When he asked what you wanted you should have said "to be married to you". Not a big travel and "perhaps" a wedding. Be clear and to the point of what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) I get it people need a trial run before stepping into a commitment like a marriage. You just moved in together, and you are both adjusting. I agree with him, should wait and see. If you two are arguing, etc, then I suggest premarriage counseling. You will be going through your expectations of each other ie: kids (just an example), who stays home, how the finaces are spent, What happens when one of you can't work, how are the chore will be divided, etc. I have one suggestion...do not comingle your money. Have separate bank accounts for now, and if you get married keep your accounts and have one joint account for bills. Me and my husband split everything down the middle. I handle the money, he pays me an amount every month. easy peasy no arguments on how we spend our own money. Edited October 12, 2023 by smackie9 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 hour ago, lillylola said: We had to decide on how to take care of the mortgage etc What is your living arrangement, is both your names on the house? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he's not interested in marriage. However he seems fine playing house which is what he is alluding two. Has he been manipulative before? For example fake future talk and empty promises to get you to go along with his plans? For now stop discussing marriage and instead see how living together works out and if you are happy. Is this the same man?: Thank you for your response! That’s the hard thing right now; I really don’t know IF he’s interested in marriage or not. He says he definitly is, but he wants to wait for the ‘perfect’ moment. He says he doesn’t want to wait for years, but he just wants to settle in our home, and still get a bit more ‘together’. He was the one who started the whole topic of marriage, so I assume that he IS interested. I think it’s just our timeframe that is different. Plus, for me it’s like a milestone up to ultimate commitment, and for him it’s a celebration of the ultimate commitment that already should be there, unmarried. Hmm, well if I’m honest he can sometimes be manipulative. Or at least, ‘whiny’ about the ‘lack’ of attention that I give our relationship. He wants me to be more ‘together’ with him, instead of planning my OWN things ‘always’(his words). I think I’m more independent then he is, and I enjoy having more freedom in a relationship than him. Somewhere, I think he resents me for that. He also says that he feels he cannot ever live up to my expectations, that he sometimes fear that I’ll leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 30 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What is your living arrangement, is both your names on the house? Yes, our house is on both our names. We share the mortgage and both are owner of the house Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 2 minutes ago, lillylola said: Yes, our house is on both our names. We share the mortgage and both are owner of the house Did you want to marry him before you bought a house with him? That was a risky move. What were your plans if he decided against marrying you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 5 minutes ago, lillylola said: He also says that he feels he cannot ever live up to my expectations, that he sometimes fear that I’ll leave him. If this were the case it seems like he would jump to get married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: If this were the case it seems like he would jump to get married. I agree, that’s what I find confusing as well. Part of his timeframe is that there are children involved (we both have kids) and that needs consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: Did you want to marry him before you bought a house with him? That was a risky move. What were your plans if he decided against marrying you? Yes, but because he mentioned he wanted to get married a few times, I thougt we were on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 He says buying a house together is a major commitment for him as well and feels more real to him than marriage. That marriage is something he wants, but is more symbolic to him than sharing a life in ‘our’ home Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 On the positive possibility side, he could be gathering himself to propose to you and he's throwing out mixed signals in order to hit you with a surprise. There's a 25 percent chance of that possibility. But evasiveness is usually a problem. Bluntly, why didn't you work this out BEFORE you moved in together? This could have been a condition of moving in together. I say give him a year. I don't think you have to tell him that, but that's up to you. If he's answering the same way in a year, you want to move towards dumping this guy. That's assuming that marriage is important to you. I'm also wondering if you are being honest with yourself. Seriously, how could you move in and sign a mortgage together and NOT mention this desire on your part? You abandoned yourself. By staying so quiet, you are not telling and teaching him what's important to you. What other thoughts are you not sharing with him? What other troubling behaviors of his are you ignoring? I wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 23 minutes ago, lillylola said: Yes, but because he mentioned he wanted to get married a few times, I thougt we were on the same page. Do you feel it was a bait and switch? It's interesting that he somewhat nodded in agreement with your desire to marry but as soon as you laid out the money for the house he doesn't believe in marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 Do YOU really feel ready to spend your life with him? When you've only just moved in together? I imagine that different people have different ideas of timelines, but for me that would be way too soon. Only 1.5 years, barely having lived together... the honeymoon period would hardly even have faded yet, IMO. I don't think I could know a man well enough to agree to marry him in such a situation, and I would never have agreed if my husband had proposed at that stage. How old are you? If you really want marriage right now for whatever reason then it's your prerogative to set a date or to leave. However, I wouldn't AT ALL assume just based on this timeline that he doesn't want to get married or that he's manipulating/lying to you. Even though it may not be too early for you, it would definitely be too early for some people. Besides, if he's the proposing sort, proposals take time to prepare... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 hour ago, lillylola said: Yes, our house is on both our names. We share the mortgage and both are owner of the house Do have a will and insurance protecting each other in case of death? If you are not married you need protection in case of death. If he dies his half of the house will go to his children, probably under-aged children so their mother will manage their inheritance. I used to work with a young woman that her bf died in a car accident. His half of the house went to her parents and they made her life a living hell while she was grieving. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 hour ago, lillylola said: Plus, for me it’s like a milestone up to ultimate commitment, and for him it’s a celebration of the ultimate commitment that already should be there, unmarried. Why wasn't this all discussed before you bought a house and moved in together? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: I get it people need a trial run before stepping into a commitment like a marriage. You just moved in together, and you are both adjusting. I agree with him, should wait and see. If you two are arguing, etc, then I suggest premarriage counseling. I agree with this, and at the same time I think when couples really want to marry they have a clear plan. Example we will move in together summer 2023 and we will marry summer 2024, right? Otherwise, we've seen it so many times, five years later excuses are still flying by. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 2 hours ago, lillylola said: He says buying a house together is a major commitment for him as well and feels more real to him than marriage. That marriage is something he wants, but is more symbolic to him than sharing a life in ‘our’ home Ugh. He's not going to marry you at least not in the immediate future. Now you have tied yourself to him with a mortgage. If you wanted marriage buying a house without a ring on your finger was a foolish move. He has everything he wanted so there is no need for him to give you more. Unless one of you can buy each other out you are stuck. Sadly I think your resentment will end growing & making things worse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 2 hours ago, lillylola said: Yes, but because he mentioned he wanted to get married a few times, I thougt we were on the same page. Did he say he wanted to marry YOU? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 So you've created a blended family with him and his children and you and your children AND you bought a house together but he isn't sure he wants to marry you? What sort of legal agreement do you have about the division of assets (including the house) in the likely event you do not marry and one of you wants to move out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 minute ago, stillafool said: Did he say he wanted to marry YOU? Yes, he said he never considered marrying anyone, but he changed his mind and wants to marry ME. That’s what he says Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 2 hours ago, lillylola said: I agree, that’s what I find confusing as well. Part of his timeframe is that there are children involved (we both have kids) and that needs consideration. For that matter there were children involved before you bought a house and moved in together. His excuses don't fly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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