First date on saturday, unsure how to proceed?

[GoodVibess]

I have previously posted about this guy I am into. However, he does not know I have gained significant amount of weight. I deleted my dating profile about a month ago. So I don’t think he remembers what my body looks like. I have lost about 5lbs since but it’s not really noticeable my old clothes still don’t fit. Last time I met a 19 year old he called me obese and insulted me. This guy is 19 as well but he is very very fit. He is a bodybuilder so I’ve been anxious all week about saturday. We have been talking for a month but I feel he will be disappointed, I don’t consider myself obese but I am overweight I have a small double chin. I really like him and I feel he will never contact me again after he sees me. He has never asked me for pictures either, last night he said he was very excited to see me. What do I do?  

[Alpacalia]

I would be wary of blindly accepting someone you've never actually met but then again, I don't know your story.

In any case, it sounds like he's expecting to meet you and he's excited about it. That's a good sign!

You need to stop hiding your weight like it's some kind of deformity. When you do that, you're setting yourself up for failure. You're mentally preparing yourself to be rejected based on your weight. We all have things that we may be a bit self-conscious about, but we also all have assets as well. Your weight is part of your own personal health and it's not something you can really hide for a long time.

Furthermore, what if after six months, you suddenly lose a ton of weight? Presumably you'll still be the same person inside!

Now, it's also entirely reasonable to tell someone, "Hey, I've been working on losing some weight lately and I'm halfway to my goal weight." But if you meet someone and say, "Hey, I put on like 30 lbs this last year." And then the person is like, "Oh, man." That's going to seriously deflate you.

You do not have to advertise your private life, or be completely mentally prepared to be routinely rejected in order to find success. Some men prefer women who carry many extra pounds. I'd argue that its only peripherally about weight itself, though. More so about being (a) healthy, and (b) motivated. It is what it is, and anyone who wants a serious relationship with you is going to have to accept it.

It's just that you're leading with the assumption that you can let potential dating prospects view all of your flaws at one time preemptively which would be overwhelming for anyone. It doesn't matter how attractive a woman is on the inside. Looks are going to be the focal discussion of very early interactions. Guys that prefer, appreciate that and seek that out? They're genuinely dating out of a desire for affection, respect, and human connection. But leading with the assumption that you're thin and vulnerable may attract people who are opportunistic about the wrong things.

They may also be genuinely "just looking for their type" in which case, this would seem disingenuous at best.

As for what you should do? I would advise you to quit worrying about this guy, worrying about what any "guys" think, worrying about your weight in general, worry about anything like this.

Sometimes you can get so anxious about something that you start to anticipate the worst outcome which only causes more anxiety. Be confident in who you are, even if you don't fit the societal standards of traditional beauty or skinniness. People are attracted to confidence, and it's more important that you feel good about who you are. If this guy likes you, he will like you for who you are, not just your appearance. And if he doesn't, then he's not worth your time.

So go into this date with a positive attitude and be confident in yourself. Remember that weight is just a number, and it does not define you as a person. And most importantly, just have fun and enjoy getting to know this guy. Good luck!

Edited October 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, GoodVibess said:

I have previously posted about this guy I am into. However, he does not know I have gained significant amount of weight. I

Yes, I remember your last thread about the other guy.  You were advised to update your profile with current pictures of yourself, did you not do that?

[Sony12]

Yes your problem has a very easy solution. Simply put photos up of how you currently look. That way people know what you look like and aren't being received by out of date photos.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, GoodVibess said:

.This guy is 19 as well but he is very very fit. I’ve been anxious all week about saturday. We have been talking for a month 

There's definitely a way to reduce your anxiety. That is to delete old dating apps and profiles and pics and get a good profile and recent accurate pics on quality dating apps.  

Also try to screen better for age, distance, lifestyle etc. Please try to meet in a timely manner. Chatting for a month before meeting builds up too much false hope. 

When you meet someone who is closer in age and distance as well as lifestyle in a timely manner in person, you'll feel more confident. You're doing yourself a disservice by posting old pics.

You're making yourself anxious about them meeting the real you and you're also not attracting men who are into the way you are now. It's much better to just be yourself. 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're making yourself anxious about them meeting the real you and you're also not attracting men who are into the way you are now. It's much better to just be yourself. 

I agree.  A very fit 19-year-old man may want the same in a girlfriend.  Unless he's already seen pictures and is into that body type.  Does he know your age?

There are plenty of men who will like you just the way you are.  You just have to post a picture of your true self.  Are you only attracted to younger men?

Edited October 11, 2023 by stillafool

[basil67]

He may not remember the old photos exactly, but he knows what he likes.   

I suggest you set this right immediately.  Before you meet him, tell him that the photos on your profile were old and that you've put on weight since then.  Tell him that you're worried about how he may feel and listen to what he says.     If he decides to not go ahead with the date, it's better than going on the date and having him be upset at feeling catfished by you.  But there's also the chance he will reassure you and be OK with it.  

And then update your profile with gorgeous photos of you as your current self.  There will still be plenty of people who are attracted to you - you just have to own who you are.

Edited October 11, 2023 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, GoodVibess said:

I deleted my dating profile about a month ago. So I don’t think he remembers what my body looks like. 

I remember your previous post about this.  Your dating profile contained dishonest and misleading pictures that were from when you were significantly thinner, and the pictures weren't current.  Is that the dating profile you are talking about?  Did you ever upload more current pictures of yourself to that profile for him to see, before you deleted it?

[glows]

?

Ok so you deleted your dating profile and there haven’t been any photos for a month that he’s referenced. I recall there are individuals who will save photos from a dating app of other people. I’m not surprised (if he fancies you this much) that he has copied your photos on his phone. It takes half a second. And these were inaccurate photos of yourself so yes, he likely will be taken aback but not everyone is as rude and disgusting to point out someone’s physical flaws or flaws period on a first date! The other person you went on a date with was quite rude. 

I suggest you go on the date and be yourself. If he can’t accept you for who you are, move on! In future be more honest and upfront in your photos and don’t mislead anyone. This is just one date - please stop putting this guy on a pedestal. He is practically no one and so what if he’s a bodybuilder (good luck if you ever date one - they are usually extremely high maintenance people).

Make sure you pick someone compatible with your values and beliefs and whom you genuinely enjoy time with - not just looks nice. Good luck!

 

Edited October 12, 2023 by glows

[smackie9]

Why are you doing this to yourself? Just accept yourself as you are and be honest with those who see you on the dating app. Hiding the real you says more than someone who has a few pounds on them. You are doing more damage to your self esteem. 

If you proceed with your date, buy new flattering clothes, and go in there with a strong smile/walk with confidence. 

[Gaeta]

Text him pictures of you, end of it. 

My goodness!! there is not only 1 body type attractive to men! Show your true self and someone will think you're the most amazing woman as you are! 

You know all these sexy girls you see on social media, they only represent 10% of the American population. Most people have a bit of weight on, or not enough weight on, or a big nose, or bad skin, or flat feet, name it! We are all flawed. What makes someone attractive is their confidence in who they are. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This from @Alpacalia: You need to stop hiding your weight like it's some kind of deformity.

 

[Versacehottie]

I think on some level OP, you keep doing this to yourself by presenting yourself NOT AS YOU ARE. Given this guy's age and interest in body building, I really doubt it will go over well. Do I think he will go off on you? No, not necessarily. But in his mind, you won't be seen as an honest person, or someone who is into the same things he is into. Please stop doing this with misleading photos. You are hurting yourself and wasting these guys' time. It's a humongous act of deception when you are that far from what the photos depict. 

I really don't know what you should say to him in advance of tomorrow. I lean toward being candid with him and sending him an accurate photo today. I still don't think it will go over well though. There's no easy way out of this. You can deal with the risk/potential pain today or tomorrow on the date.

[GoodVibess]

On 10/11/2023 at 6:10 PM, stillafool said:

I agree.  A very fit 19-year-old man may want the same in a girlfriend.  Unless he's already seen pictures and is into that body type.  Does he know your age?

There are plenty of men who will like you just the way you are.  You just have to post a picture of your true self.  Are you only attracted to younger men?

No but I mostly get younger men. He saw old body pics of me I gained 20lbs last year.

[GoodVibess]

On 10/13/2023 at 1:40 PM, Versacehottie said:

I think on some level OP, you keep doing this to yourself by presenting yourself NOT AS YOU ARE. Given this guy's age and interest in body building, I really doubt it will go over well. Do I think he will go off on you? No, not necessarily. But in his mind, you won't be seen as an honest person, or someone who is into the same things he is into. Please stop doing this with misleading photos. You are hurting yourself and wasting these guys' time. It's a humongous act of deception when you are that far from what the photos depict. 

I really don't know what you should say to him in advance of tomorrow. I lean toward being candid with him and sending him an accurate photo today. I still don't think it will go over well though. There's no easy way out of this. You can deal with the risk/potential pain today or tomorrow on the date.

Thank you I am seeing him in 20 minutes 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, GoodVibess said:

No but I mostly get younger men.

Are you seeing him tonight?  What do you mean "get"?  Is that who mostly contacts you?

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, GoodVibess said:

Thank you I am seeing him in 20 minutes 

Have fun!

[GoodVibess]

Just now, stillafool said:

Are you seeing him tonight?  What do you mean "get"?  Is that who mostly contacts you?

Yes we are meeting in 20 minutes. On dating apps I mostly get younger guys. 

[GoodVibess]

On 10/12/2023 at 10:38 AM, smackie9 said:

Why are you doing this to yourself? Just accept yourself as you are and be honest with those who see you on the dating app. Hiding the real you says more than someone who has a few pounds on them. You are doing more damage to your self esteem. 

If you proceed with your date, buy new flattering clothes, and go in there with a strong smile/walk with confidence. 

Because I don’t like my appearance at all, Im wearing a huge jacket so he doesn’t see how big I am. 

[GoodVibess]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Have fun!

Thank you  

[basil67]

If it's not too late, TAKE THE JACKET OFF!!!!   Wearing large loose clothes when overweight has the effect of making people look bigger.   

[Marka]

fingers crossed for you! Let us know how it went!

[ExpatInItaly]

Given that you already had another thread about how this backfired last time you misrepresented your current self, why did you do it again? 

[NuevoYorko]

I hope you didn't have a bad experience but PLEASE do not do this to yourself anymore.  Present yourself as you really are and they can take it or leave it.  Being passed up because of weight or, honestly, any other reason, hurts - but it can't be half as bad as being rejected when a person meets you because you misrepresented yourself.  

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, GoodVibess said:

Because I don’t like my appearance at all, Im wearing a huge jacket so he doesn’t see how big I am. 

If you dislike your appearance then maybe dating shouldn't be a priority right now. There's only so many times you can mislead someone into thinking that you're thinner then you actually are before your inevitably going to get found out. Then you'll be back to square one - someone who dislikes their appearance, but also now has the added fear of potential rejection due to misleading someone about their appearance.

You're not going to fool someone into a relationship with you by not being forthright about your weight. And if you do, then that's not really the kind of relationship that you'll ultimately be happy in, is it? And I would also question your motivations for wanting to pursue someone who (A) clearly doesn't know or understand what you actually look like as a person, and (B) is only OK with you if your body is hidden and if your wearing your "huge jacket".

Dating sucks for everybody, even the good looking people. There's no magic pill in this situation, only doing the hard work to improve the things that you have control over. Getting healthier and more confident in your own skin is something that only you can control and it's not going to happen overnight.

Put dating on the back burner until you're more comfortable with yourself, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for disappointment, and I've got to think that'll just make it harder on you in the long run.

Edited October 15, 2023 by Alpacalia