chickendinner12 Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 (edited) My partner and I have been together 8 months. Things are generally going good. We spend a lot of time together and she tells me she loves me every day. But it seems like the last month she has had a few depressive/crying episodes where she doesn’t seem herself. They seem to be triggered by little events, like worrying about how many people would come to her party, or waiting on her lab results. I’d say there’s been about three of these episodes the last month, whereas I didn’t see any of the previous six or seven months we’ve been together. What it happens is she will call me and just me talking to her will make her feel better. She'll be back to herself in a day to two. But I wonder if, maybe she needs an adjustment in her antidepressants. I think it might be time to message her doctor and see what they think about adjusting her meds. She texted this morning saying she's feeling better today, but that she's debating taking off work to rest one more day. I said, "are you going to message your doc and see what they think about adjusting your meds?" "Well, I may." I'm not sure how much to push on this? I'm thinking about texting one more more message to emphasize my thoughts. "I do think it'd be a good idea to bring it up. If you're having to miss work, it means it's not under control. And we don't want you to lose your job." Would this be pushing too much? She’s a grown adult but she's not the only one involved and I feel like she needs to know my concern. EDIT: She did change her mind and say she's gonna be brave and go into work. Edited October 11, 2023 by chickendinner12
stillafool Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 In my opinion NO. If it's affecting her work she should be so concerned she runs to her doctor. Kudos to you for being able to handle her emotions, I couldn't.
smackie9 Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 It's pretty typical that the first 6 months or so, they are their best behavior. Once they get comfortable, that's when the real $%^& starts to happen. What you see right now is just the tip of the iceburg. I know it's a touchy subject but communication is really needed here. It's the disease talking...her anxiety is telling her no don't go to the doctor, telling her not to talk about it, etc. BUT coddling her, being overly supportive, hand holding enables the insecurity. Mental illness is very difficult to deal with. Ignoring it doesn't do her any favors. Gonna have to explain to her that this is no way to live and that she needs to get better help. If she can't handle it, then the reality is that you won't be able to handle this relationship. It will fall apart in no time.
Author chickendinner12 Posted October 11, 2023 Author Posted October 11, 2023 28 minutes ago, smackie9 said: It's pretty typical that the first 6 months or so, they are their best behavior. Once they get comfortable, that's when the real $%^& starts to happen. What you see right now is just the tip of the iceburg. I know it's a touchy subject but communication is really needed here. It's the disease talking...her anxiety is telling her no don't go to the doctor, telling her not to talk about it, etc. BUT coddling her, being overly supportive, hand holding enables the insecurity. Mental illness is very difficult to deal with. Ignoring it doesn't do her any favors. Gonna have to explain to her that this is no way to live and that she needs to get better help. If she can't handle it, then the reality is that you won't be able to handle this relationship. It will fall apart in no time. I have a demanding job that keeps me distracted so I think it's taken 3 of these episodes for me to realize there's a problem. I hope it's not too late. This person ticks all of my boxes. She's the sweetest kindest person I know. But you're right, I'm realizing things are not under control and she needs to do more.
Gaeta Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 (edited) I would look at her history. How long has she been at that job? Does she change jobs often because of her depression, is it hard for her to keep a job? She needs to see her doctor, it may not be a matter of adjusting her meds, it may be a physical issue like anemia, hormone imbalance, menopause or pregnancy. Edited October 11, 2023 by Gaeta
Author chickendinner12 Posted October 11, 2023 Author Posted October 11, 2023 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I would look at her history. How long has she been at that job? Does she change jobs often because of her depression, is it hard for her to keep a job? She's been at this job since before we met, a couple of years. Quote She needs to see her doctor, it may not be a matter of adjusting her meds, it may be a physical issue like anemia, hormone imbalance, menopause or pregnancy. How do I bring this up? Is it acceptable to text, or wait until we get together tomorrow night?
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 5 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: Is it acceptable to text, or wait until we get together tomorrow night? Try to talk in person. Continue being supportive and concerned but don't give out medical advice.
Alpacalia Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 I wouldn't push her too much about it. Bringing up the fact that you're concerned can be helpful, but constantly pestering her about it or insisting that she needs to adjust her medication might make her feel like she's not in control of her own health. I just went through this with my Dad, he neglected high blood pressure for years and 1 severe stroke later. He would mention his high blood pressure to me and I would say, wow Dad, that's high, what are you going to do about it? I could tell he never wanted any pushback when it came to his own health. He is anti-medication. So I said, well, at least look into alternatives. In hindsight, I probably should not have even said that. Gosh it's really hard to know when to help and when not to, NO EASY ANSWER. It can be tough when you see someone you care about not taking care of their own health. But then I think, well, I am sure there are things about me that aren't the healthiest so it really isn't my place to say anything. Haven't you noticed? She's the one who changes physicians, increases and decreases doses of medication and decides when to activate and end counseling. She's an adult and knows her body better than a non-medically trained person. She's already emotionally dependent on you for support. I know you're coming from a place of care and concern but she needs autonomy and decision-making. I think it's okay to ask her how you can help her. Let her know you're there to support her in any way she needs and ask if there's anything you can do to make the process easier for her. How do you feel about taking on more responsibility for her? Is this a deal-breaker for you? How will you keep your boundaries strong and what do you need to feel okay going ahead? It seems like you would like to take her to the doctor possibly and be a part of her health care team. Are you really interested in playing some role as the encourager, the support line, the motivation for her or the care advocate? It is all too easy to take on others' marriage-to-health and that it will continue to crop up in other "innocent" health-related events if you don't set limits now.
Gaeta Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said: How do I bring this up? Is it acceptable to text, or wait until we get together tomorrow night? Open communication. Tell her you see a difference in her and you are concerned that she is not addressing it. I would tell her that I wish the person in my life be concerned with their health and took actions. My daughter had to breakup with a man after a year because he suffered from seasonal depression and wouldn't seek medical help. I would have done the same, it's not about a person being sick, it's about not wanting to seek treatment.
flitzanu Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 (edited) just because she isn't behaving how you think she should be, does not mean that her meds are "clearly not working" and that's the kind of suggestions that you should not be saying to her. you're not wrong that she should likely visit the doc, but i'd recommend not making statements like that to her. Edited October 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 4
Author chickendinner12 Posted October 11, 2023 Author Posted October 11, 2023 (edited) 42 minutes ago, flitzanu said: just because she isn't behaving how you think she should be, does not mean that her meds are "clearly not working" It's not about her "not behaving as I think she should be." That makes it sound like she's leaving the toilet seat up or not washing the dishes. She is struggling. She's having lows and coming to me for support that a therapist could better provide. Edited October 11, 2023 by chickendinner12
BaileyB Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: Is it acceptable to text, or wait until we get together tomorrow night? Definitely talk in person. I think you come at it from a place of concern - “I’m concerned about you, and I want to support you.” You could also suggest counselling, in addition to a med review. Recognizing the fact that at the end of the day, you can’t tell her what to do and it is her decision whether she does or does not seek help. The only decision/control you have here is the decision whether you want to continue dating this person or not. Edited October 11, 2023 by BaileyB
Gaeta Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 59 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: You have already established that you would just break up with this person and it's a dealbreaker. We know that someone battling depression and not wanting to go through their regular check up, not wanting to follow up with their doctor or therapist, not taking their meds, mean lots of instability in the relationship and a lot of pain for the supporting partner. You have to ask yourself is this something you can handle long term? People go through bouts of depression that can last months, even a couple of years. Couples that are married, in long term relationships and have children (or not) together will push through it BUT a relationship of 8 months? You have to ask her questions to fully understand what you're getting into. Example: how many times a year she gets bouts of depression, how long does it last, how long she's been dealing with depression, is it due to a dramatic event (may go away) or it's chronic meaning she will fight it all of her life. You need to know.
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 6 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: What it happens is she will call me and just me talking to her will make her feel better. She'll be back to herself in a day to two. Try to be supportive rather than trying to fixing her. Sometimes people just need to talk. That's ok. Just listen since that seems to help.
ShyViolet Posted October 11, 2023 Posted October 11, 2023 In the posts you made a couple months ago, you said your partner is a male. What's going on here? 5
Versacehottie Posted October 12, 2023 Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, ShyViolet said: In the posts you made a couple months ago, you said your partner is a male. What's going on here? Thank you!!! I was coming on here to say exactly that. OP, you are going to get more valid answers if you don't underestimate the people posting here and are honest with us and stop jerking us around. I said it before that you aren't honest and that is your problem overall. As far as your partner, you sound like you are meddling in an unhealthy way which matches the way you've been behaving with them before and with us always. That's on you. Appropriate context is relevant to give you the right answers. If your partner is non-binary, just say so! It was a guy before and now it's supposedly a girl. I don't really care but as I said in earlier responses to you, the nature of the relationship feels super loose so you are probably overstepping your boundaries in all things. It feels super messy. Edited October 12, 2023 by Versacehottie 4
Ami1uwant Posted October 12, 2023 Posted October 12, 2023 9 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: She's been at this job since before we met, a couple of years. How do I bring this up? Is it acceptable to text, or wait until we get together tomorrow night? This is a face to face talk. You need to get her to open up to you about what the issue is. Is it depression? Anxiety? Som combination? What the triggers are? What meds she takes or supposed to take and hasn’t? Another thing to watch for is this can be driven by her hormone cycle so this come out during pms time.
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Posted October 12, 2023 16 hours ago, ShyViolet said: In the posts you made a couple months ago, you said your partner is a male. What's going on here? OP, if you don't start being truthful, people will stop responding to your threads because we don't know what to believe anymore. 1
giotto Posted October 12, 2023 Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) It looks like your partner has transitioned? Edited October 12, 2023 by giotto
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