End of a very long friendship

[Alpacalia]

I have been best friends with for many, many years. She has been there for me in the past, and vice versa.

When her Mom died right when we first became friends, I was there for her, went to the funeral. When her Dad died, same thing. When my Dad had a stroke, she has reached out to me ONCE.

We're still friends on social media but I honestly feel like deleting her off of there. I mentioned to her the last time we spoke that it seems like she has been isolating herself a lot lately.

Not just with me, but our group of friends too.

She admitted that she has been, but didn't offer up any reason besides "I've just been off, haven't been feeling like myself."

She's been in kind of a funk for the past few months and I am honestly fed up with her. It's deeply upsetting because she has honestly been a good friend 90% of the time, and the not-so-good part has been recent, and it's hard to let go of someone that has been in your life for so long.

[FMW]

I don't think you have to let go of her, but find a way to accept the change, which may be temporary.  No one truly knows what is going on with someone else, and it's possible she's having a difficult time for some reason and does not want to share it with others.  Whatever she's going through might be making it difficult for her to be emotionally available to others, including providing you with support for what you're going through with your father.  

I don't see a reason to remove her from your social media, certainly not immediately.  If the funk has only been for the last few months and you've been friends for a long time, give her a little time and space to deal with whatever is making her withdraw.

Relationships change over time, but hopefully this change is temporary.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 I honestly feel like deleting her off of there. She admitted that she has been, but didn't offer up any reason besides "I've just been off, haven't been feeling like myself."

If she is stepping back, you don't have to do anything. It's sort of taking care of itself. Whatever she's going through might be being sorted out with family or closer friends. 

[Alpacalia]

She has one other close friend besides me. She said once to me that she feels all alone and she broke down crying.

She's always referred to me as her sister and we have been best friends since our 20s. 

I know she has some personal things going on but I'm just really p***** and hurt.

She has been acting weird ever since my birthday we were all supposed to go away together and she couldn't go to one of the areas that we wanted to go to because she had to go somewhere else. So I made a concession so that she could go and then she never got back to me to say that she could go so, I went without her. When she found out I was going away for my birthday, she pretended like she didn't know I was going, and asked who I was going with. I was like, "huh, you knew about this already and you chose to ignore/not respond."

 

[Weezy1973]

It just sounds like you need to talk to each other. There have been a few misunderstandings. I don’t see anything from your posts that is “friend break up” worthy. Perhaps you can expand on why you don’t think she’s worth being your friend anymore rather than thinking this might just be a temporary “down” in the inevitable ups and downs of all long term relationships. 

[ShyViolet]

If this friendship isn't working for you and causes you more bad feelings than good, then just stop being friends with her or take a major break from her.  Just because you've been friends with her for a long time, that doesn't obligate you to continue it.  If you're no longer enjoying this friendship, then just stop.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

she didn't offer up any reason besides "I've just been off, haven't been feeling like myself."

She's been in kind of a funk for the past few months and I am honestly fed up with her. It's deeply upsetting because she has honestly been a good friend 90% of the time, and the not-so-good part has been recent, and it's hard to let go of someone that has been in your life for so long.

Not being able to go out.  Stuck in a funk.  Not feeling like herself.  The holiday thing.  That was me prior to getting a depression diagnosis. 

If this was a friendship which was mostly bad, I'd suggest you walk away.  But it's been 90% good and she's been there for you when you really needed her.   As frustrating as it is with her to not being the woman you know, perhaps it's time for you to be there for her on a 1:1 basis.  I'd suggest telling her that you're concerned and take the time to sit with her and see if she will open up.  Give her a safe space to talk and listen to her.   When she's ready, perhaps you could go with her to her doctor and see if there may be any answers.  

Or if that's not you, just give her space.  Touch base occasionally and be there for her when she's ready to reach out.  But please don't dump her when she's already feeling bad

[glows]

Happy birthday!!!! 
not sure when it was but nonetheless happy bday

When did her parents pass away? 

I can empathize as I went through something similar with an old friend at the time. It’s feeling so annoyed and in disbelief and then disappointment. That friend was diagnosed with clinical depression but she refused treatment and it was difficult to keep in touch until we lost touch completely. 

I don’t know why your friend is like this- all I can say is I relate and there’s little you can do if she doesn’t want help. Try to dial down and manage your expectations…I eventually did that but I do still think of the decades of memories and hope she’s doing ok somewhere out there.

[glows]

I like the talking with her as this is such a kind and compassionate approach.  I completely agree if you’re able to do this.

Please don’t blame yourself or get upset if it’s not working or you don’t get a reply. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Happy birthday!!!! 
not sure when it was but nonetheless happy bday

When did her parents pass away? 

I can empathize as I went through something similar with an old friend at the time. It’s feeling so annoyed and in disbelief and then disappointment. That friend was diagnosed with clinical depression but she refused treatment and it was difficult to keep in touch until we lost touch completely. 

I don’t know why your friend is like this- all I can say is I relate and there’s little you can do if she doesn’t want help. Try to dial down and manage your expectations…I eventually did that but I do still think of the decades of memories and hope she’s doing ok somewhere out there.

Thanks. ❤️

Her mother and father sadly passed away over a decade ago. I'm not at the point anymore where I want to support or “help” her.

She broke down crying to me a few months back when we were talking about some personal things she was going through that I was there for.

But I do agree, I need to manage my expectations.

She sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers on my birthday and I was on my way out the door so I couldn't really talk and I told her that I was flying to Florida (which was a spot that she suggested we go together for my birthday), which, I didn't even want to do anything big for my birthday but she insisted and then she left me hanging.

She's been traveling a lot herself lately for leisure Internationally and has a bunch of trips planned with her boyfriend. 

I was disappointed that she couldn't go on vacation together like we planned but it wasn't an issue for me that she didn't go (less not sharing that day with her), and she never got back to me one way or the other when she's the one that suggested it. She asked me for dates, I kept giving them to her, and she wouldn't respond which is not like her.

Then to ask where I am going and who with (when I was leaving to go to the airport), when she already knew, seems icky. That's when I noticed she was not acting herself.

By no means, has she not been there for me in the all the years we've been friends but, I mean, she's one of my best friends and I have so much going on right now, and the fact that my father had a stroke and we speak once afterwards (which is only after I reached out to her because we hadn't spoken in a while and because I told her I could really use her support).

During that call, I asked her if she is okay she said yes.

It just seems like a slap in the face. I am just really hurt by her behavior. I just went through something similar with my sister disappearing for 2-3 years not talking to anyone including her children.

I feel like it’s like you know who your true friends are when 0-1-2 bad things happen to you.

My dad had a stroke, my mother had a cancer scare at the same time, and I am contacting her to tell her because I needed her support but I am also like... well do you think to let me know that you are thinking of me in the scariest times of my life?

I sat with her through her mother passing. Same with her father. Same with her dog. Same when she got bit by a dog and I cancelled my plans to rush by her side in the hospital. I know everyone copes with stress and personal struggles in their own way and sometimes they may not be able to show up for others or be as attentive as they normally would be. I'm just disappointed because I feel like I have been there for her through her toughest moments.

Anyway, she's suffered a lot of hardships and personal health struggles so that's why I am like and I was trying to balance this situation because if she's going through something, I don't want to be selfish but then, for another thing, sometimes you just have to focus on yourself.

I guess that's what I have to do at this point.

[glows]

Very much agree. It’s good to focus on ourselves for a bit especially when we don’t have that support we expected. There was a time I was so let down by everyone I stopped seeking support and shut everyone out. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here and you are open about wanting your friends/family with you. 

She has a boyfriend and isn’t completely isolated so it does seem like she can keep a relationship going. If you feel taken forgranted and not valued in the friendship it’s for the best distancing and managing the expectations because the dynamic has changed. Accepting that though is the worst

[mark clemson]

Maybe just give her her space and see how things "naturally" play out. Perhaps you and she will rekindle the friendship at some point, or maybe it will continue to slow fade into nothing. In the meantime, rather than have "expectations" that she may not currently be able to meet, maybe focus on strengthening ties with some other/new folks.

It sounds like she's going through a life change of some kind or other (that may not be obvious from the outside) and the circumstances/parameters (including psychological ones) that once "allowed" your friendship to flourish might no longer exist and/or support it. The only constant in life is change and people do sometimes fall by the wayside, whether we like it or not...

Edited October 11, 2023 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

It seems since you guys were "best friends" you would call her out on how she made you feel at a time when you needed her.  Is she aware that you feel this way?  Maybe she doesn't realize that she has hurt you.  I would call for a get together, tell her how I feel, and maybe this all can be cleared up.  

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers on my birthday and I was on my way out the door so I couldn't really talk 

Sorry this is happening. Sometimes friends grow apart and priorities change. Perhaps she's going through something personal or with her BF that she's not ready to share. 

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, glows said:

Very much agree. It’s good to focus on ourselves for a bit especially when we don’t have that support we expected. There was a time I was so let down by everyone I stopped seeking support and shut everyone out. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here and you are open about wanting your friends/family with you. 

She has a boyfriend and isn’t completely isolated so it does seem like she can keep a relationship going. If you feel taken forgranted and not valued in the friendship it’s for the best distancing and managing the expectations because the dynamic has changed. Accepting that though is the worst

Yes. 

Close friends of mine don't do anything to keep it from completely disintegrating in front of their eyes. They desire the same level of closeness even after I'm on my own. Honestly, all of it hurts (and adds up) far more than I'm let on here, and there are a few things I'm just not going to get over. The problem I have is that *they* need to decide what they want with this friendship, if anything, because I'm not willing to invest in something that wasn't meaningful enough for them to help preserve.

If they decide it was worthwhile...well, there are a lot of things I can tell you that can't be unsaid, things I didn't have the luxury of letting slip from my mind, and if they decide that they're OK with that and can move forward and rebuild, then book me a ticket.

I'm sorry that happened for you.😔

Thanks glows. I appreciate it. Just trying to put it into perspective or background. 

17 hours ago, stillafool said:

It seems since you guys were "best friends" you would call her out on how she made you feel at a time when you needed her.  Is she aware that you feel this way?  Maybe she doesn't realize that she has hurt you.  I would call for a get together, tell her how I feel, and maybe this all can be cleared up.  

Usually, I would, but right now, I'm not up for it. I feel like I'm at my breaking point.

@mark clemsonI think what you said makes sense. I'll try to do that. Thank you.

@Wiseman2Indeed. Yes, possibly. Thanks for your support.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we last spoke, I asked if everything was okay, and she hesitated before saying yes. I was not upset with this at the time like I am now. If I was then I would have addressed it then.

Reflecting on the past, a few years back, she distanced herself from me in a similar fashion because she thought I was showing favoritism to a new colleague at work and befriending her, even though that wasn't the case. I expressed how hurt I was that she didn't address the issue with me and chose to ignore me, especially considering our long-standing friendship.

We did eventually resolve it.

I just feel, in this instance, what's done is done. I am honestly at a loss of exactly what more can be done at this point. I can tell her how I feel hurt that with my parents health struggles and her not bothering to reach out to me during this time, or even afterwards, for the sake that she knows they are like my world.

I'm the one who's lost when it came to her support.

Truthfully, I'm exhausted.

She's been through some tough experiences, and one of them was quite significant, which could leave lasting scars. I hope she's healing in those areas.

I miss her, but things change.

Edited October 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

She reached out to me by text to ask how my Dad was doing.

Not sure how I feel about that. 

So, I didn't want to get into a text exchange about my disappointment. I kept it very surface. I didn't bother bring up my feelings to her - she's in a strange head space and it would just make things worse, I think. Certainly not going to do it by text.

I spoke to my female cousin the other day that I am very close with and she said that I am taking my frustrations and anger I feel over my Dad's stroke and putting it on my friend instead, the one person that I have been closest to most of my life.

My cousin noted that my Dad was the first thing I mentioned when I spoke about my friend today. That my Dad is such a sensitive subject. He nearly died, but he made it.

Cousin also pointed out that I am upset and unfocused with the family in general lately- not my friend specifically.

I don't know, could my cousin be right?

[FMW]

57 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

spoke to my female cousin the other day that I am very close with

I think it's certainly wise to consider her view carefully.  She's close to you, knows what you're going through, and presumably has your best interest at heart.  

[Alpacalia]

She has been reaching out to me more. She finally said that she feels so terrible for what I am going through and that she is so sorry. I learned that she is having some issues with her dog and thinks her dog may have a cancerous tumor. Her dog is her world and she is heartbroken. I still feel iffy at times but I am going to try and let my walls down more for her. I know she is trying and she is going through something difficult as well. 

As much as I want to be there for her and offer her support, I am still struggling with my own emotions. I'm sure things will get better with time and when the time is right, I will mention that I was hurt initially and hopefully we can have an open and honest conversation about it. For now, I am just trying to take things one day at a time and focus on healing myself.

I think I might have been so angry in general because I felt like she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most, but now that she is dealing with her own struggles, I understand why she may have not been there for me in the way I wanted her to be. Just need to remember that she is human too and has her own limitations.

Thanks everyone!

Edited November 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

This is wonderful. I’m glad there was a breakthrough and she levelled with you.

[Alpacalia]

It is. I am still feeling a bit guarded but I think over time, that will lessen. Baby steps.

It's a first, never quite an issue with her and I during all the years we've been in each other's lives.

Thanks again for your advice and support.