Should I ask for her number or follow up even though she gave me her IG on the 1st date?

[max3732]

Had a date with someone I met on an app that I thought went well. She said I made her laugh and that I picked a perfect venue and when I mentioned a common interest she asked me if I had Instagram and I gave her my info and she sent me a video that we were talking about.

When the check came she offered to pay and I told her I got it and she said she'd get it the next time and gave me kind of a wink face. I don't know. We talked about a few things she said she'd like to do. She told me she had friends over and then would be traveling, but would like to get together the following week.

After the date I sent her a friend request on Instagram that she accepted and then sent a message telling her I had a great time, wishing her a fun trip and saying we'll plan something we talked about when she gets back. That was several days ago and I didn't get anything back from her.

Should I send her anything else between now and then or ask for her number? I've never done anything with Instagram before and haven't posted on it in like 5 years.

I would think with everything that happens she'd want to get together for a 2nd date, but there was another woman I went out with where we had a similar conversation about another date and she even kissed me at the end of the 1st one and she ignored my messages after that.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, max3732 said:

.She told me she had friends over and then would be traveling, but would like to get together the following week.

Stay in light touch and try to firm something up for when she's back from traveling. 

[Maldives]

Wait till she gets back then wait some more maybe a couple more days. That will build some tension in her and have her guessing your interest in her. Then If she shows no interest when U ask her move on to the next one and forget her 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Wait till she gets back then wait some more maybe a couple more days. That will build some tension in her and have her guessing your interest in her. 

It's doubtful ghosting will "build attraction". It's a popular pick-up artist meme, but people generally move on from game players. Unless you want the undesirable ones who'll put up with that.

Edited October 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Maldives]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's doubtful ghosting will "build attraction". It's a popular pick-up artist meme, but people generally move on from game players. Unless you want the undesirable ones who'll put up with that.

I disagree. You don't wanna text her as soon as she gets back like an eager puppy dog. I think it will lose interest rather than build. Plus she's just back from a trip let her relax a few days 

[glows]

I can’t speak for anyone else but it did give me butterflies to hear from someone randomly. Admittedly I’m not great at texting but it would make me want to reply if the interest was there. I genuinely enjoyed texting someone I was interested in. Unfortunately you can’t really change the way a person feels about you if they’re not that interested. She sounds flirty and appears interested in seeing you again so keep things level and neutral please. Don’t go ga ga over her.

My question to you is why do you even care that much that you haven’t heard back? You’re the next best thing since sliced bread. Talk to other women, do some house renos, go on a fishing trip, spend time with friends. Her not responding to you already indicates a waning interest and it’s likely she may be attracted but not THAT much, sorry. Time will tell but maybe you won’t even remember her last name by the time she replies. Carry on and don’t let this get to you. 

Edited October 3, 2023 by glows

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

I disagree. You don't wanna text her as soon as she gets back like an eager puppy dog. I think it will lose interest rather than build. Plus she's just back from a trip let her relax a few days 

Where did you get that?

I'm a woman, when a man played the waiting game with me l lost all interest. Yes, lf a woman makes a man wait a couple of days he will get eager because men are natural pursuer. We women don't function that way. 

Edited October 3, 2023 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, max3732 said:

After the date I sent her a friend request on Instagram that she accepted and then sent a message telling her I had a great time, wishing her a fun trip and saying we'll plan something we talked about when she gets back. That was several days ago and I didn't get anything back from her.

I'm not sure this warranted a reply. You were repeating something you had said at the date and it was a message that came with a connection, that she accepted.

On a side note, to me, your date sounded like a friendship connection more that romantic one. 

If you know when she gets back then contact her, you have nothing to lose and you'll get clarity on where her interest is.

 

[d0nnivain]

I agree about keeping in light touch.  If she posts a cute picture while traveling you can like it or comment on it but not daily.  

When she comes back reach out then & use the DMs to set up the next date.  Ask for her phone number in person.   I wouldn't pounce on her the day she gets home but you can post a safe travels message or welcome home.  Save the request for the date for the next day (meaning you ask the day after she gets home for a date later in time).  Give her space to decompress.  

It's not about building anticipation / playing games but you don't have to be all over her the second she gets back.  I like the idea of giving her a breather.  Understand, I like & want more space than most women.  Some new guy who wants to talk to me daily feels smothering.  I am the outlier.  Most people want that daily good morning text as a sign of interest.  

[Alpacalia]

Her giving you her insta is... interesting. If I gave someone my social media on a first date, that meant I wanted to keep in touch platonically. It's kind of a buffer between "i'm so not into you" and "hey let's go on a date" for girls... because it's easier to play it off as wanting to make friend first.

Of course, I could be 100% wrong, just wanted to offer a different opinion.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Her giving you her insta is... interesting. If I gave someone my social media on a first date, that meant I wanted to keep in touch platonically

That's my take on it.

I have a friend who does that and he's not a serious dater. He's interested in female friends, maybe sex, he's far from thinking relationship.

[Lotsgoingon]

That she didn't immediately respond to your note that you enjoyed the date--that tells me she's not romantically interested.

Here's the thing. Women (and men) know what it means when someone tells them they enjoyed the date.  This woman KNOWS you're interested in her.  There is no confusion, no lack of clarity about your interest. So her failure to respond is a statement.

And let's be super clear here: people check social media and respond to all kinds of messages while traveling. Checking in with your messages or email is part of the day for most people. I was just recently out of town visiting an ailing relative. I connected with a bunch of friends and coworkers while I was out of town. Didn't take any particular effort to do so. That's just part of life these days.

So if this woman were interested, she would have sent you a note from out of town. Unless she's going on a wilderness trip away from all forms of communication. And if that were the case, she would have told you that and said to you that she would communicate when she returned.

That she failed to respond to your reply says she's not interested in you romantically. . Doesn't matter what she said about the date or that she laughed a lot. People can't stop themselves from responding promptly but when someone they're interested in expresses an interest in them.

 

 

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[max3732]

On 10/3/2023 at 12:27 AM, glows said:

I can’t speak for anyone else but it did give me butterflies to hear from someone randomly. Admittedly I’m not great at texting but it would make me want to reply if the interest was there. I genuinely enjoyed texting someone I was interested in. Unfortunately you can’t really change the way a person feels about you if they’re not that interested. She sounds flirty and appears interested in seeing you again so keep things level and neutral please. Don’t go ga ga over her.

My question to you is why do you even care that much that you haven’t heard back? You’re the next best thing since sliced bread. Talk to other women, do some house renos, go on a fishing trip, spend time with friends. Her not responding to you already indicates a waning interest and it’s likely she may be attracted but not THAT much, sorry. Time will tell but maybe you won’t even remember her last name by the time she replies. Carry on and don’t let this get to you. 

She told me she'd be back the weekend of the 14th so maybe 1 comment late this week or early next week? I know I get butterflies if I get a message from a woman I'm interested in. 

The reason I care that I haven't heard back is I'd like to find the right person for me and have been trying a while. My last potential match moved (I posted about this). I know I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but can't seem to find a decent woman to appreciate me. I read about women not finding quality guys and just shake my head. I have a graduate degree, own my own business, am super fit, athletic, interested in all kids of things with different hobbies and apparently because I'm just under 6' tall women won't talk to me on dating apps.

I've got a bunch of projects and things going on and just got back from a trip not too long ago. I tried an in person singles event and didn't find anyone I liked. It's just a bit frustrating

 

On 10/3/2023 at 7:58 AM, Gaeta said:

I'm not sure this warranted a reply. You were repeating something you had said at the date and it was a message that came with a connection, that she accepted.

On a side note, to me, your date sounded like a friendship connection more that romantic one. 

If you know when she gets back then contact her, you have nothing to lose and you'll get clarity on where her interest is.

 

That's true. I didn't ask a question, but thought she should at least mention she had fun or say something to that effect.

If she wasn't interested wouldn't she have ignored the friend request? During the date she gave me her IG name when she sent the video, but her profile was set to private (like mine is) and by accepting I can now see all her content. She also sent me a request.

What about it sounded like a friendship connection vs. a romantic one? What should I try to do differently on my next 1st date?

On 10/3/2023 at 8:12 AM, Alpacalia said:

Her giving you her insta is... interesting. If I gave someone my social media on a first date, that meant I wanted to keep in touch platonically. It's kind of a buffer between "i'm so not into you" and "hey let's go on a date" for girls... because it's easier to play it off as wanting to make friend first.

Of course, I could be 100% wrong, just wanted to offer a different opinion.

This really confused me, which is why I was asking here if I should ask for her number as well. When I went to a singles event this guy there said he always asks women for their IG instead of number because you can see a lot about them from what and how often they post and they usually check it more. 

My account is private and I uploaded like 10 pictures a few years ago and only used it to communicate with this woman I was talking to long distance before.

15 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

That she didn't immediately respond to your note that you enjoyed the date--that tells me she's not romantically interested.

Here's the thing. Women (and men) know what it means when someone tells them they enjoyed the date.  This woman KNOWS you're interested in her.  There is no confusion, no lack of clarity about your interest. So her failure to respond is a statement.

And let's be super clear here: people check social media and respond to all kinds of messages while traveling. Checking in with your messages or email is part of the day for most people. I was just recently out of town visiting an ailing relative. I connected with a bunch of friends and coworkers while I was out of town. Didn't take any particular effort to do so. That's just part of life these days.

So if this woman were interested, she would have sent you a note from out of town. Unless she's going on a wilderness trip away from all forms of communication. And if that were the case, she would have told you that and said to you that she would communicate when she returned.

That she failed to respond to your reply says she's not interested in you romantically. . Doesn't matter what she said about the date or that she laughed a lot. People can't stop themselves from responding promptly but when someone they're interested in expresses an interest in them.

 

 

 

She's not going on a wilderness trip or anything like that and I can tell she saw my message. 

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, max3732 said:

When I went to a singles event this guy there said he always asks women for their IG instead of number because you can see a lot about them from what and how often they post and they usually check it more. 

That was a very bad advice. 

If you have a romantic interest in a woman then take the romantic route, not the friendship route. A man that is interest ask for a phone number. This is dating 101, not matter your age group. There are things that never change from generation to generation. Adding someone to your social media does not sound like I have a special interest in you. 

Like I said earlier, I have a male friend that only gives his IG to women he meets, he does that because he's not looking for a relationship, but looking in adding women to his accounts and who knows maybe some of those will lead to a hookup. 

To play the devil's advocate here, if after the date she called her girl friends and she told them you only gave her your IG and did not ask for her number. How you think that came across?

And as you see, your IG does not say much about you, right. 

[Gaeta]

37 minutes ago, max3732 said:

What about it sounded like a friendship connection vs. a romantic one? What should I try to do differently on my next 1st date?

Give her a sincere compliment

Pay the bill

Ask for her number

Express your interest in seeing her again

Hold doors, walk her to her car or metro station

Once you are home send her a text to check she made it home safe and restate it was a pleasure to meet her and you'd like to see her again. She should then tell you she feels the same or she did not feel chemistry/connection.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

First pay attention to make sure you are attracted, not just that she is alive and upright and sober and decent looking.

Can't tell you the number of dates I went on where I was assuming I SHOULD be interested in the person and so I spent the date thinking about whether the person is interested and how the date was going.

Waste of time and focus.

Focus instead of showing up in a reasonably good mood, looking good and feeling good for YOU!  And then relax. You'll know when you're attracted to her because the energy is very different and you won't be working so hard. 

Now, there is the matter and Gaeta mentioned it. Let's say you are feeling great on the date. You want to flirt a little. One easy (less gigantic) way of doing that is to speak out about something you really like about her. If her smile knocks you out, say that. Wow, you have an amazing smile. If you like her voice, say that. If you like the way she tells a story say that. If she looks fantastic in her outfit, say that. Don't say all of those things--that's way too much. But pick one that really hits you. If nothing really hits you (I mean viscerally in your gut without much thinking) then you aren't really attracted to her. We can have a wonderfully pleasant time and still not be attracted-connected in sync with someone. 

Also, you can smile yourself when you want to. The biggest point is to have clear in your mind that this is a date. You are not looking for friendship. And make room for you to like her, to enjoy the conversation, to feel she asks you questions--and still you realize you don't have a strong romantic pull to her. Make room for that. That is not a failed date. That's another step in the process of finding someone who fits with you. 

Focus less on her being a catch that you have to impress and more on whether or not she is a good fit for you. Someone can be warm and absolutely gorgeous and yet (for a variety of reason) isn't a good fit for you. And again: credit yourself. Just going out on the date is a success. Keep doing that and you'll get to a good person for you. The right one will make it clear to you (without a lot of thinking) that she's interested. You'll feel it. 

 

Edited October 4, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

During the date she gave me her IG name when she sent the video, but her profile was set to private (like mine is) and by accepting I can now see all her content. She also sent me a request.

That's fine. It doesn't matter what type of contact info is provided. What matters is she mentioned seeing you again after her vacation and provided contact info. All you need to do is stay on the radar lightly and firm up plans when she returns.

Many people are loathe these days to give out their phone numbers to strangers because of the increasing tie in to identification such as two step verification and most accounts requiring a phone number. 

The bottom line is don't get caught up in the details and "signs". If she's interested she'll reply when she returns. Interested women will reply with smoke signals, the modality and medium is irrelevant.

[Alpacalia]

On 10/4/2023 at 7:15 AM, max3732 said:

When I went to a singles event this guy there said he always asks women for their IG instead of number because you can see a lot about them from what and how often they post and they usually check it more. 

That's different.

I think I'd be less inclined to have someone that I'm potentially dating peering into my life that way.

Well, people have different preferences. Just keep lines of communication open and see how it goes.

[max3732]

On 10/4/2023 at 11:47 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

First pay attention to make sure you are attracted, not just that she is alive and upright and sober and decent looking.

Can't tell you the number of dates I went on where I was assuming I SHOULD be interested in the person and so I spent the date thinking about whether the person is interested and how the date was going.

Waste of time and focus.

Focus instead of showing up in a reasonably good mood, looking good and feeling good for YOU!  And then relax. You'll know when you're attracted to her because the energy is very different and you won't be working so hard. 

Now, there is the matter and Gaeta mentioned it. Let's say you are feeling great on the date. You want to flirt a little. One easy (less gigantic) way of doing that is to speak out about something you really like about her. If her smile knocks you out, say that. Wow, you have an amazing smile. If you like her voice, say that. If you like the way she tells a story say that. If she looks fantastic in her outfit, say that. Don't say all of those things--that's way too much. But pick one that really hits you. If nothing really hits you (I mean viscerally in your gut without much thinking) then you aren't really attracted to her. We can have a wonderfully pleasant time and still not be attracted-connected in sync with someone. 

Also, you can smile yourself when you want to. The biggest point is to have clear in your mind that this is a date. You are not looking for friendship. And make room for you to like her, to enjoy the conversation, to feel she asks you questions--and still you realize you don't have a strong romantic pull to her. Make room for that. That is not a failed date. That's another step in the process of finding someone who fits with you. 

Focus less on her being a catch that you have to impress and more on whether or not she is a good fit for you. Someone can be warm and absolutely gorgeous and yet (for a variety of reason) isn't a good fit for you. And again: credit yourself. Just going out on the date is a success. Keep doing that and you'll get to a good person for you. The right one will make it clear to you (without a lot of thinking) that she's interested. You'll feel it. 

 

Well I wasn't 100% sure about her, but thought she could be a good possibility. I found her physically attractive and thought our conversation was flowing effortlessly and there was a fun vibe to it. Plus she's educated, well traveled and has a lot of common interests so it seemed like we could be a good match in that regard. The only things I didn't care much for were that she seemed to be really into drinking/partying and it seemed like she may be on the other side politically.

Really good tip on flirting. On my next 1st date I'll have to try it!

When I tried to setup the next date she said she "had a great time meeting you, but don't feel a strong connection. Happy to meet up again as friends" 

Does that mean I'm doing something wrong on these dates by not being more flirty? I really thought this one had gone well. Is she just saying she wants to meet up again as friends?

On the plus side I met someone else at an activity and got her number and she said she wants to get together. If I could just meet more women in real life I think I'd do better. I'm going for half a year between dates so I feel so much pressure

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, max3732 said:

On the plus side I met someone else at an activity and got her number and she said she wants to get together.

Concentrate on that one, be yourself, there is no magic recipe. When it'll click it will stick together, when 2 people like each other not much can undo it. Not even the little mistake here and there which are normal, no one is perfect.

[Lotsgoingon]

Does that mean I'm doing something wrong on these dates by not being more flirty? I really thought this one had gone well. Is she just saying she wants to meet up again as friends?

Are you attracted to (interested in romance with) every woman you have met or sat down and talked to? I hope not.

She's saying she isn't interested in romance--and you don't want to meet as friends. That's fake and doesn't work--because you really want romance with her. You meet up with as "friends" all you'll be doing is trying to slyly get her interested in you.

A date can go well and the people can decide they don't want a second date. Doesn't have any particular significance.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

 I met someone else at an activity and got her number and she said she wants to get together. If I could just meet more women in real life.

 That's good news. It's about quality not quantity. Follow up on this woman and see how it goes. There's no point becoming a professional dater and flirter if what you want is a relationship. All you need is to make a connection like in this case and follow up on it. 

[max3732]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Does that mean I'm doing something wrong on these dates by not being more flirty? I really thought this one had gone well. Is she just saying she wants to meet up again as friends?

Are you attracted to (interested in romance with) every woman you have met or sat down and talked to? I hope not.

She's saying she isn't interested in romance--and you don't want to meet as friends. That's fake and doesn't work--because you really want romance with her. You meet up with as "friends" all you'll be doing is trying to slyly get her interested in you.

A date can go well and the people can decide they don't want a second date. Doesn't have any particular significance.

Definitely not attracted to every woman I've ever talked to. With her I was on the fence... like I put in the OP I thought things went reasonably well. Certainly well enough for a 2nd date to see how things progressed. I had my potential issues, but maybe I'm willing to put them aside and get to know women more easily than in the other direction.

I could certainly try meeting as friends. I have 1 female friend who I considered dating when I first met, but then realized we had different ideas of what we wanted someone who wanted to date/marry, but had enough in common that friendship works. Maybe I could do the same thing here

[max3732]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 That's good news. It's about quality not quantity. Follow up on this woman and see how it goes. There's no point becoming a professional dater and flirter if what you want is a relationship. All you need is to make a connection like in this case and follow up on it. 

We met at an activity and I invited her to do something similar and got her number. I never used the word "date" when I asked her. So we'll see how it goes.

Funny enough there was someone else there who told me I looked familiar. I recognized her right away as she was someone who unmatched me on a dating app when I asked her how long she's lived in the US

[Lotsgoingon]

There is disagreement among folks (and really sharp folks) on this board.

But here's my take. You sensed there was little chemistry on this date.

With her I was on the fence... like I put in the OP I thought things went reasonably well.

This is no chemistry, in my book.  I myself would in 90 percent of the cases NOT go out on another date when I felt like you describe. But here's the important point. You felt the distance, you felt the gap in something between you two. You felt it. And yet you're ignoring it as if you felt all throughout like it was some fantastic date. You're ignoring you own internal signals. 

In other words, often when we feel "on the fence" the other person very often is also on the fence. I would say you both were ambivalent. I say don't ignore that "on the fence" feeling. That's telling you there isn't potential on another date. That's giving you a sense also of how SHE felt. And you're dismissing the signals. Your radar is good--now pay attention to it! I encourage you in particular to save a second date for someone you overwhelmingly want to see again. 

Because here we are, you feel disappointed about no second date with someone you were distinctly NOT all that in sync with on the first date.