Married, but having emotions I can't get a hold off

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Finite said:

 I'm absolutely not here to stir the pot. 

That's ok. You came here for various aspects, advice and I have given you the best advice I have for you and your situation.  Of course, do whatever is best for you.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Finite said:

I'm just not ready to go down that route yet with the dating apps.

Agreed, I'm really leaning toward either the note or really doing nothing at all. I'd love to casually bump into her, but I just sublet a place there, it's not my home base, so I'm not there all the time.

Some women might not be too bothered by it in theory, but when it comes to real-life situations, guys often struggle to make it work.

If she's in the middle of something, like checking items off her shopping list, engrossed in a book, or vibing to her tunes. Interrupting her at that moment can really grind her gears. It's like they start off on her bad side, and to get back in her good graces, they've got to come up with something seriously impressive. Or they'd better be drop-dead gorgeous, so her brain forgets she was ever annoyed.

Now, you might think this whole thing sounds like a lost cause. I mean, she's never just hanging around, waiting for some random guy to make a move on her. She's always up to something that would need an interruption. So, why does she say she's cool with it "in theory"?

Well, it's all about reading her body language. If she's super into something, like a book or chatting with her friends, she's basically off-limits. But if she's into it but not totally absorbed, she's more approachable.

If she's racing through the grocery store, ticking items off her list, looking like she's about to devour everything in sight, or just flat-out exhausted, she doesn't have the time or patience for small talk. Trust me, she'll be seriously irritated. But if she's taking her sweet time, leisurely browsing, and glancing around at people, that's a different story. She's not in a hurry, and she might be open to a chat.

Start with friendly, easygoing conversation. If she responds well to that, great, you're on the right track. But if she's not feeling it, trying to get all suggestive is a surefire way to crash and burn. If she flashes a smile and seems up for a chat, that's a good sign. Maybe she's just in the mood for some human interaction or feeling a bit flirty.

If there's some genuine chemistry in the air, she might even be willing to spill some personal info to a total stranger. And when she says "judge," she really means her body's reacting so intensely that it overrules her logical thinking. So, if you feel that spark, go for it, but tread lightly, my friend.

Dating apps aren't everyone's cup of tea, but don't let that be your only reason to approach women in public. Sure, it might seem safer and more efficient, but there's something special about seizing the moment and making an unexpected connection. If you really want to give it a shot, just remember - theory is one thing, but putting it into practice is a whole different ballgame. Respect her boundaries, pay attention to her body language, and keep things light and easygoing.

Some men troll for sex on online dating platforms and some search for more than just a casual fling on online dating apps, while other guys prefer the traditional, face-to-face approach. Either way, it's all about respect. If she's receptive, she'll make it clear. If she's not, move on, and don't take it personally.

Edited September 7, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Finite]

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Some women might not be too bothered by it in theory, but when it comes to real-life situations, guys often struggle to make it work.

If she's in the middle of something, like checking items off her shopping list, engrossed in a book, or vibing to her tunes. Interrupting her at that moment can really grind her gears. It's like they start off on her bad side, and to get back in her good graces, they've got to come up with something seriously impressive. Or they'd better be drop-dead gorgeous, so her brain forgets she was ever annoyed.

Now, you might think this whole thing sounds like a lost cause. I mean, she's never just hanging around, waiting for some random guy to make a move on her. She's always up to something that would need an interruption. So, why does she say she's cool with it "in theory"?

Well, it's all about reading her body language. If she's super into something, like a book or chatting with her friends, she's basically off-limits. But if she's into it but not totally absorbed, she's more approachable.

If she's racing through the grocery store, ticking items off her list, looking like she's about to devour everything in sight, or just flat-out exhausted, she doesn't have the time or patience for small talk. Trust me, she'll be seriously irritated. But if she's taking her sweet time, leisurely browsing, and glancing around at people, that's a different story. She's not in a hurry, and she might be open to a chat.

Start with friendly, easygoing conversation. If she responds well to that, great, you're on the right track. But if she's not feeling it, trying to get all suggestive is a surefire way to crash and burn. If she flashes a smile and seems up for a chat, that's a good sign. Maybe she's just in the mood for some human interaction or feeling a bit flirty.

If there's some genuine chemistry in the air, she might even be willing to spill some personal info to a total stranger. And when she says "judge," she really means her body's reacting so intensely that it overrules her logical thinking. So, if you feel that spark, go for it, but tread lightly, my friend.

Dating apps aren't everyone's cup of tea, but don't let that be your only reason to approach women in public. Sure, it might seem safer and more efficient, but there's something special about seizing the moment and making an unexpected connection. If you really want to give it a shot, just remember - theory is one thing, but putting it into practice is a whole different ballgame. Respect her boundaries, pay attention to her body language, and keep things light and easygoing.

Some men troll for sex on online dating platforms and some search for more than just a casual fling on online dating apps, while other guys prefer the traditional, face-to-face approach. Either way, it's all about respect. If she's receptive, she'll make it clear. If she's not, move on, and don't take it personally.

It's good advice, I totally get what you're saying. I just want to frame myself in a way that says, ok, he's cool with whatever outcome presents itself, and will remain unchanged and still himself regardless of what happens.

[SurfCity]

I really don't think that you're going to do anything but hang around the building wishing and hoping to see her.

Even if you do see her again, it's unlikely to be at the pool considering we're headed into fall, so you won't have time to watch/look at her and work up your nerve to talk to her. She'll be headed to her car or to the elevator or walking and talking with her friends and the moment will go by quickly and you'll probably never see her again.

There's the age gap and the career gap. Her parents or siblings may be doctors or other professionals, she may have that expectation in someone she dates. Hopefully, you told her your work schedule, because if you didn't, she was probably wondering why you weren't at work in the middle of the day.

5 hours ago, Finite said:

I just want to frame myself in a way that says, ok, he's cool with whatever outcome presents itself, and will remain unchanged and still himself regardless of what happens.

Men who say things like this typically have never dated, so I suspect that that may be your history as well. Through experience you'll learn that the only thing to do is to ask her out. 90% of men handle rejection gracefully without it having a huge impact on their life. Waiting for the perfect moment in order to give her the impression that you're this or that is a recipe for failure. 

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Finite said:

It's good advice, I totally get what you're saying. I just want to frame myself in a way that says, ok, he's cool with whatever outcome presents itself, and will remain unchanged and still himself regardless of what happens.

It would seem to me since you don't have her contact information and you certainly don't want to keep stalking the building all day, the best course of action in this case is to let it go and move on. It's not worth putting in the effort to try and track her down - if there is still potential to pursue then it will present itself eventually. Spending time and energy on this could be taking away from other more fruitful pursuits.

[Lisa]

This thread has had a substantial clean up as debate between members takes the focus away from the OP. 

Please show the OP the respect of talking to him rather than about him.  

[Gaeta]

@Finite: have you made a decision on what will be your next move?

[Finite]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Finite: have you made a decision on what will be your next move?

I think I'm going to try a message/note for the front desk to pass on to her. I spoke to someone who is pretty reliable as a female dating coach. She all, but confirmed everything I was thinking as far as this girl being interested. It was quite validating, she mentioned how girls will be pretty indirect when it comes to getting men to make a move, but if you recognize the signs, then you know. And from what I told her, she seemed pretty certain this girl was throwing out those vibes. 

If I had never spoken to her, a note/message would be way out of the question, but since she knows who I am, what hell, why not.

Edited September 8, 2023 by Finite

[Gaeta]

46 minutes ago, Finite said:

but since she knows who I am, what hell, why not

Absolutely!! I am so happy you will take a risk!! Like l said wecgot one life to live! So why not!

Please update us! 

[basil67]

Good luck!  And for your sake, I hope I'm wrong.  I love being wrong when there's a positive outcome 😜

[Alpacalia]

Certainly, some women possess an enchanting and enigmatic quality when it comes to interactions with men. We often employ a subtle approach to express our interest, allowing us to gauge the situation. If you're perceptive enough to pick up on these cues, you're one step closer to taking the initiative. It's a good way to filter out the socially inept guys.

If you can't understand basic subtext or double meanings, there's a good chance your genes contain a touch of the Neanderthal. Kidding aside, it's good that your reliable dating coach confirmed your suspicions. Now it's time to make a move, so you can move on to the next dating adventure. Good luck and happy hunting!

[Finite]

I’ll be in her area Monday for work, gonna leave a message then. 
 

gonna go with something like this;

“It was nice talking with you by the pool this summer. Didn’t get a chance to chat again, if you’re interested, here’s my number, ‘#’ Give me a shout. If not, you can use the paper to make more flash cards “

this is what she was doing one day when we spoke, teased her a bit about it. 

[Versacehottie]

so hmmm, I'm just now weighing in....I think (thank God you clarified that it's a gym/personal training that is the reason you are at the building--almost any other reason felt bogus or creepy, sorry!)..but yeah that's the only legit reason I can see for you using the pool and "meeting" girls at the pool when you don't actually live at the building.

Anyway, I think you need to be comfortable playing the long game...I mean what is wrong with that?...you are in a transition period and she is a fairly young student (and going to guess slightly all over the place). If you develop a flirtation over time that isn't acted upon, THIS girl (who LIKES attention!!!for sure) will want to act on it.

I think right now the only thing we can presume is that she likes attention and gets it by flirting. I think you may have just been a catalyst for that...and only time will tell if it was YOU or you were just playing a needed role. (by GIVING her attention). I'm not that into the note thing--though I'm fine with how you worded it.  It wouldn't work on me if I didn't like you or was on the fence. Only if I really liked you already (i didn't see a ton of evidence pointing to that unless you count a towel and a game of rings!)...lol...

ok so idk, I could probably find her on social media in under 15 minutes--do you know anyone who is good at that? I think sliding into her DMs or adding her would be the better option, just my opinion. Also since you were willing to go bold with the doorman thing or even with the note, I have an idea. Do you live in a big city? 9 story building so I'm thinking yes...Do you mind saying which city? I'm thinking anywhere that cools down significantly in September since you are thinking you will no longer see her as if it's an immediate thing--so east coast?. Most big cities have this instagram account called: Overheard(NY, LA, SF, London)....Do you know it? It's hilarious for memes relevant to your particular city--and they DO get it as far as particularities of each city...anyway, they regularly do missed connections and in at least 80% of them that I've ever seen they find the person in question within a couple of hours. Lol if you want to date a 23 year old girl you need to think like one in terms of how to get in touch. It can be putting yourself out there, ie if you are just separated or trying to keep it a secret that you are ready to date, this is not the way to go. Ok good luck

[Finite]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

so hmmm, I'm just now weighing in....I think (thank God you clarified that it's a gym/personal training that is the reason you are at the building--almost any other reason felt bogus or creepy, sorry!)..but yeah that's the only legit reason I can see for you using the pool and "meeting" girls at the pool when you don't actually live at the building.

Anyway, I think you need to be comfortable playing the long game...I mean what is wrong with that?...you are in a transition period and she is a fairly young student (and going to guess slightly all over the place). If you develop a flirtation over time that isn't acted upon, THIS girl (who LIKES attention!!!for sure) will want to act on it.

I think right now the only thing we can presume is that she likes attention and gets it by flirting. I think you may have just been a catalyst for that...and only time will tell if it was YOU or you were just playing a needed role. (by GIVING her attention). I'm not that into the note thing--though I'm fine with how you worded it.  It wouldn't work on me if I didn't like you or was on the fence. Only if I really liked you already (i didn't see a ton of evidence pointing to that unless you count a towel and a game of rings!)...lol...

ok so idk, I could probably find her on social media in under 15 minutes--do you know anyone who is good at that? I think sliding into her DMs or adding her would be the better option, just my opinion. Also since you were willing to go bold with the doorman thing or even with the note, I have an idea. Do you live in a big city? 9 story building so I'm thinking yes...Do you mind saying which city? I'm thinking anywhere that cools down significantly in September since you are thinking you will no longer see her as if it's an immediate thing--so east coast?. Most big cities have this instagram account called: Overheard(NY, LA, SF, London)....Do you know it? It's hilarious for memes relevant to your particular city--and they DO get it as far as particularities of each city...anyway, they regularly do missed connections and in at least 80% of them that I've ever seen they find the person in question within a couple of hours. Lol if you want to date a 23 year old girl you need to think like one in terms of how to get in touch. It can be putting yourself out there, ie if you are just separated or trying to keep it a secret that you are ready to date, this is not the way to go. Ok good luck

Gonna play devil's advocate here a little bit. 

Perhaps she is someone who just enjoyed the flirting, ok, that's fine. Who doesn't like attention from attractive people?

I've heard of those Overheard accounts. This city doesn't have one.

I'm sure I could find her on social media with a little bit diligence, sure. And I've heard the term "slid into her DM's" quite often. And there's one very strong reason I do not want to do that. Cause that is what every other guy who is vying for her attention would do. Then I'd just be another individual who messaged her on social media. Doesn't really stand out or make an impact. And she could say, "Ok, great, here's another dude messaging me." 

Now, the note may not work, maybe it's a tad old fashioned, but I hardly believe anyone else is going this route. And for me, I think that makes a bit more of a statement, and one that would stick out in her mind regardless of the outcome. But, hey, that's just my two cents.

[Alpacalia]

Don't let anyone dissuade you from taking an unconventional route if you believe it will make an impact. People meet in unconventional ways all the time.

Who knows, it might just work.

A woman showing interest doesn't mean she is looking for attention, she may be looking for someone who is different. And that is exactly why sending a note might be a good idea. I was on a bowling league (yes, don't judge) for years and this phenomenon wasn't entirely uncommon. I met a long term partner that way, after he commented on a jacket I was wearing and I found that to be a surprisingly impressive step he took.

Online dating is another route, albeit, safer and more predictable. The problem with this is you'll still be one of many. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide which route to take. You're not playing devil's advocate here, you're just looking for the most efficient way to connect with someone that you like. Do what feels right to you, and who knows, you just might get the result you're looking for.

Regardless of what decision you make, make sure that you put in the same effort with both if that is your choice. Good luck!

Edited September 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, Finite said:

Gonna play devil's advocate here a little bit. 

Perhaps she is someone who just enjoyed the flirting, ok, that's fine. Who doesn't like attention from attractive people?

I've heard of those Overheard accounts. This city doesn't have one.

I'm sure I could find her on social media with a little bit diligence, sure. And I've heard the term "slid into her DM's" quite often. And there's one very strong reason I do not want to do that. Cause that is what every other guy who is vying for her attention would do. Then I'd just be another individual who messaged her on social media. Doesn't really stand out or make an impact. And she could say, "Ok, great, here's another dude messaging me." 

Now, the note may not work, maybe it's a tad old fashioned, but I hardly believe anyone else is going this route. And for me, I think that makes a bit more of a statement, and one that would stick out in her mind regardless of the outcome. But, hey, that's just my two cents.

With the bolded, yeah that's sort of my point...people can enjoy the attention for that alone...not mean to do anything with it or mean anything beyond it. 

I like to be a devil's advocate too...so ok I hear you on not wanting to be the same as every other guy by hitting her up on social media. Fair enough. I don't think either approach will "work" or fail based on the approach..If she's into you, almost any approach will work and if she isn't, no approach will work. So it doesn't matter really what it is. I think assuming she's never thought about dating you or is on the fence, then yes the approach would matter or influence things a bit. If I was on the fence or hadn't thought of you in that way, then yeah a note at my home might feel a little invasive.  But you are there enough and already friendly so maybe she won't feel that way. 

Lol you asked for a variety of opinions and I was giving you mine. I think you need a variety of opinions for sure. Anyway, you've probably moved forward with your note by now--hope it works out!! Good luck

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

.If she's into you, almost any approach will work and if she isn't, no approach will work.

Thank you.  This is what men need to realize about us women.

[Weezy1973]

Yes leave the note, what you wrote is great. She was interested, she may not be anymore, but she could be again. And honestly it doesn’t matter. It’s just a date you’re seeking, not marriage and kids (at this point). 

[Finite]

Well, I left the note. I think it got to her, I have no idea. And I haven't heard anything. Which is kind of what I expected. I had hoped otherwise, but doesn't look like it. So, I dunno, I guess that's it. 

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, Finite said:

Well, I left the note. I think it got to her, I have no idea. And I haven't heard anything. Which is kind of what I expected. I had hoped otherwise, but doesn't look like it. So, I dunno, I guess that's it. 

 

Yeah and don't get your hopes up that she will respond. Try to find other people to talk to. She showed signs that she enjoyed the flirting and attention she was getting from you. However there weren't many indications that she was interested in dating you . She had plenty of opportunities to give you her phone number or invite you to hang out with her and all she did was talk to you when you came up to her at the pool.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Finite said:

Well, I left the note. I think it got to her, I have no idea. And I haven't heard anything. 

How long ago was that? It's good you didn't have high expectations from a chance encounter.  Well you gave it a shot even though it was a long shot. Hopefully you can put your curiosity to rest and move forward to more viable ways of meeting women. 

[Finite]

Dropped it off with the doorman on Monday afternoon. And that was actually a month since I saw her last. Crazy. If it’s any consolation I got her last name. Lol

[Sony12]

29 minutes ago, Finite said:

Dropped it off with the doorman on Monday afternoon. And that was actually a month since I saw her last. Crazy. If it’s any consolation I got her last name. Lol

Oh it's been a month? Next time don't wait that long if you are interested in getting to know someone better. Not that it would have made much of a difference in this situation but if she got that note an entire month after you two talked last chances would be good that she would have had to think for a moment to remember who you even were.

 

Edited September 17, 2023 by Sony12

[Transcending212]

I've been married for 8 years, and have 2 kids with my wife. Our marriage has not been perfect by any stretch. We butt heads quite a bit on parenting, especially with our oldest. My wife and my oldest feed off each other a lot in a negative way, usually leading my oldest to then gravitate to me. We have very different personalities, I'm more reserved and laid back, while my wife is more type A and high strung. We've made it work, cuz we typically, we balance each other out. Things got increasingly more strenuous since our second was born. Managing has been tough. My wife works many times over the weekend, and the strain of parenting 2 young kids gets to me sometimes.

Things have occurred in the past (i.e. money issues with her, on more than one occasion, a snapchat incident, which I haven't completely had closure with, though I've tried many times) My wife and I have had several talks that get pretty heavy sometimes, and separating has come up. And It scares me because she will say thing like, "I'm taking the kids with me." or "you can see the kids whenever you want." And it freaks me out, cuz I fear not seeing them on a regular bases. And, it guilts me into staying, even tough I'm pretty unhappy with the relationship we have. At this point, it's gotten so heavy that I feel like I would stay unhappy just to keep my kids family life stable. It hurts, but, I would stay for them. I know I don't look at her the same anymore. I'll always love her, but something is missing, and has for a long time. I know she's a good person and a good mom, and the last thing I want to do is hurt her.

To make matters worse, over the summer, I casually spoke to a woman whom I found very attractive, and had a vibe with, but did not peruse, even though I wanted to. My work at times, especially in the summer puts me around a lot of people. I've haven't seen this girl in a little while, but I haven't stopped thinking about her, to the point where I really want to see her again, but refrain because of what's going on at home.

I'm very conflicted, because I know perusing this other girl would make me happy and ruin my home life. And I don't want to be a scum bag here, and be that guy. And on the other hand, I fee like I'm just going through the motions at home. My kids make me happy, but there are days where I feel myself becoming lost and so unhappy that I don't know what to do anymore. The whole situations sucks. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Transcending212 said:

 "you can see the kids whenever you want." 

Sorry this is happening. This crush represents escapism to simpler carefree times.

Why not consult an attorney privately for information support and advice on your situation?  Don't threaten divorce, just inform yourself on division of assets, custody,child support, etc.  

If you cheat it may complicate things when your wife finds out and files for divorce first. 

You seem miserable. Using another woman to alleviate your marital problems could completely backfire.

Inform yourself, get your ducks in a row and figure out an exit plan. Keep in mind whatever you do you'll still have to coparent. So either cheating or seething with resentment aren't really great options.

No one is forcing you to stay and women aren't going to buy the trite "only staying for the kids" line from married men.