Am I a bad person for this?

[Savvy2001]

One of my best friends is a guy, he means the absolute world to me and is literally the sweetest guy I have ever met in my entire life. He loves practically everything I do which includes, anime/manga, horror movies, Superheroes/villains, mystery stories, and even the same YouTubers as me. Now back in high school all of our friends would make jokes about us liking each other when we were just friends. We also just shrugged it off like “They’re wrong we don’t see each like that.”  We could see why they thought that though because we were always together, I would always lay on his lap during lunch and we would just talk. Even my parents would joke around that he liked me (my dad still does).

We lost touch after a while due to some things that happened with my ex who was one of his friends at the time but we reconnected. Like I said we love watching movies so that’s like our main thing to do when we hang out so we’re always going the cinema. I do have a girlfriend who I love but she doesn’t like horror movies or superheroes that much so we don’t really watch them together that often. I’ve noticed recently though that we’ve been distant with each other mainly because she has classes that take up a lot of time due to her major which I completely understand. I want her to focus on school and her grades and I’ve told her that. I’ve been distant because of my overthinking lately which now that I’m saying it, it was caused by my dad. Let me explain. 

A couple days ago I told my parents that my best friend wanted me to go over to his house for a movie marathon on Friday, my mom was perfectly fine with it while my dad said this “I think he likes you.” I of course said “We’ve been over this dad, Many times.” to which he responded with “He’s just buying time till you and your girlfriend break up.” He said it in a joking way but me being me..I started over thinking everything. Now there was a time when he and I hung out we were talking about Highschool and my ex. 

I mentioned how all of our friends would joke around with us but it honestly started to annoy us and he agreed with me but he did confess to me that he actually did have feelings for me but never told me because I was taken at the time. I of course felt awful and he played it off saying it wasn’t my fault. He also added on that when his friend and I started dating, my ex would basically brag about it to his face that he was dating him. Ya know like a complete a**h***. Of course I got pissed cause what kind of friend does that to another friend. He told me it was fine and we stopped talking about it. 

Now I said I was overthinking things about my relationship and even my friendship with my friend. I love my girlfriend but I feel like this is the right time for her to be in a relationship, she’s stressed out about school and also her therapy sessions as well as her parents possibly getting divorced. She doesn’t like to feel vulnerable and it scares her that I make her feel that way. She also has a negative mindset a lot on opening up believing that she never will which I’ve told her how I felt about that. I also told her how I’m really stressed about not being able to find a second job as well as my current job cutting my hours/shifts so I basically have no money whatsoever. I don’t want to break up with her especially since we have a trip planned to go to a concert in Dallas for November where not only are we both going but so are her parents and little brother but I feel like it would be better for her mentally. I’ve also told her that if we broke up, I wouldn’t be upset because I still care about her and want her to be happy because she means alot to me. I’d want to keep her on my life as a friend. She agreed. 

That’s the first part of my overthinking, the second part however is kinda complicated and I feel very guilty about it even though I haven’t physically done anything. When my dad made that joke about my friend still liking me, I started questioning like “What if he does still like me? What if I’m hurting him by hanging out with him so much? Was he upset at the wedding that I brought my girlfriend even though he invited both of us?” I went into a spiral of thoughts. I lost sleep because of my mind not shutting up with these questions. 

Friday rolls around and he comes to pick me up and we head back over to his house. It’s the standard hangout, us in his room watching YouTube videos and laughing our asses off while eating pizza and drinking sodas. One thing with him is that he will always make you laugh no matter what and always make sure you’re comfortable. That’s the number one reason why I love him so much, he’s very genuine. His family is too. He’s told me so many times how much his family adores me even though they haven’t met me all that much. Now cut to us laying on his bed next to each watching Jeepers Creepers 2, he was laughing at a scene and I look over to him, when I did I immediately thought about how comfortable I am with him, I’m not awkward or stiff at all like I am with my girlfriend sometimes (we both talked about how awkward we are). And I was happy about it. Obviously if we’re friends then we should be comfortable with each other but this felt different. 

I kept looking at him a couple time when he was focusing on the movie and started thinking in the past what our friends would say. I started thinking that maybe I never had feelings for him because our friends kept forcing it on us and because of that I never actually stopped and tried to see him like that. Like a romantic partner. Well I started thinking that way now and it made me happy. I feel so guilty about it. 

After Jeepers creepers we turned on some Sam and Colby videos (which I got him into) and again were just laying down on his bed and laughing occasionally, I also scared him a few times cause I told him I would. I was having such a good time that I honestly really needed after being stressed out so much. I looked at him one more time when he laughed a bit at something Sam said and immediately I got butterflies.
 

My mind started racing and panicking saying “You have a girlfriend you can’t catch feelings for your best friend! You like him, you’ve always like him but never realized it. You don’t even know if he still has feelings for you or not, what [ ] are you doing?”  And my mind was right. I didn’t know if he did have those feelings for me still. I didn’t know what to do so I just tried to focus on the video for the rest of the night which worked a bit until I got home where I just sat down on my bed and just sat there, feeling guilt. 
I don’t know what I should do. I would talk to my mom or brother but how do you say that you’ve caught feelings for your best friend but also still love and care about your girlfriend and feel so extremely guilty about having these feelings for another person. 
Am I horrible person for feeling this way? What should I do? What would you do if you were me? 

Edited October 1, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Savvy2001 said:

My mind started racing and panicking saying “You have a girlfriend you can’t catch feelings for your best friend! 

Why not open your relationship since you are already in a relationship with both these people? This would give your GF the freedom of choice to decide whether to also have a local BF/GF in addition to you. 

[Savvy2001]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not open your relationship since you are already in a relationship with both these people? This would give your GF the freedom of choice to decide whether to also have a local BF/GF in addition to you. 

She wouldn’t want to do that. Especially since he’s a guy, she’s bi but her preference is more women cause of her past situationships. She doesn’t want to date a guy. While me, my preference is men but I wanted to try dating a girl cause I kept getting disappointed by guys ghosting me and etc. 

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Savvy2001 said:

 I wanted to try dating a girl cause I kept getting disappointed by guys ghosting me and etc. 

Do you think that's fair to your current GF? .  Dating her to experiment and because of bad luck with men is sort of using her. Try to sort yourself out before you lose your friend and your GF. 

Unfortunately she's in another country,  you think where she lives is too dangerous to even visit and you called her "a racist" so it doesn't seem to be working out so well with her anyway. Set everyone, including yourself, free in this scenario.

Edited October 1, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Savvy2001]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you think that's fair to your current GF? .  Dating her to experiment and because of bad luck with men is sort of using her. Try to sort yourself out before you lose your friend and your GF. 

Unfortunately she's in another country,  you think where she lives is too dangerous to even visit and you called her "a racist" so it doesn't seem to be working out so well with her anyway. Set everyone, including yourself, free in this scenario.

By your logic, she’s using me too. We both kept getting disappointed by guys and wanted to try dating women which she definitely prefers now. I on the other hand am fine with either. I like the experience of dating a girl and I like the experience just the same with a guy. 
And I never called her a racist. I said the comments she’s been making were leading towards that. I just want what’s best for her and for her to be happy but I don’t want to hurt her because I still care about her. 
I just don’t know what to do. 

[glows]

I briefly went over the previous thread about your gf and the comments. I don’t think your relationship is as real as this male friendship considering she lives across the border and you have never seen her hometown or her family. Understandably so considering the violence and geopolitics. This friendship with your male friend is here, now, real. You and this male friend don’t see each other once a week crossing borders. You see each other every day and see, touch, smell one another hanging out regularly. You like the same movies and doing the same things because you practically grew up together.

This is not to negate your relationship at all but to point out the stark contrast and what’s missing in your relationship. You pointed it out yourself that sometimes you feel awkward around her. You may not like me saying this but you barely know her and you don’t understand her. It seems vice versa as well when she makes comments about an entire group or stereotypes in a potentially offensive way. She may move to LA eventually. When? In 2 years? In 6 years? In 22 years when she gets her act sorted and immigrates? And how? This relationship with your gf is going nowhere and a time pass only with a very vague notion of any future planning. Granted, you’re all quite young and potentially none of your relationships now will go anywhere, period. 

About feeling bad? I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. A guy you know has feelings for you and maybe you’re flattered. He fills the void in the moments your gf isn’t there and because the emotional connection with your gf is less than what it should be. You know that otherwise there would be zero misunderstandings and you wouldn’t feel awkward around her.

I don’t think either of these people are for you but I also don’t think you need to wallow in guilt for feeling flattered about an old friend liking you. So you adore him. Appreciate him for who he is. My guess is the stress of everything is also causing you to feel vulnerable and confused, needing someone reliable and who understands you. Your male friend checks those boxes but I don’t think your heart is in the right place nor are you fully emotionally available yourself. You’re occupied with the gf in Juarez and worrying about hurting her. That’s no way to start a new relationship with anyone else.

Edited October 1, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Savvy2001 said:

B. I just want what’s best for her and for her to be happy but I don’t want to hurt her because I still care about her. I just don’t know what to do. 

Honesty may be the best policy here. Let your male best friend know you have feelings for him, and inform your GF that you have feelings for someone else.

This way she has a choice. Not being honest with yourself or your GF and friend could hurt everyone involved, if you are concerned about hurting anyone. Try to sort out your feelings.

[Savvy2001]

21 hours ago, glows said:

I briefly went over the previous thread about your gf and the comments. I don’t think your relationship is as real as this male friendship considering she lives across the border and you have never seen her hometown or her family. Understandably so considering the violence and geopolitics. This friendship with your male friend is here, now, real. You and this male friend don’t see each other once a week crossing borders. You see each other every day and see, touch, smell one another hanging out regularly. You like the same movies and doing the same things because you practically grew up together.

This is not to negate your relationship at all but to point out the stark contrast and what’s missing in your relationship. You pointed it out yourself that sometimes you feel awkward around her. You may not like me saying this but you barely know her and you don’t understand her. It seems vice versa as well when she makes comments about an entire group or stereotypes in a potentially offensive way. She may move to LA eventually. When? In 2 years? In 6 years? In 22 years when she gets her act sorted and immigrates? And how? This relationship with your gf is going nowhere and a time pass only with a very vague notion of any future planning. Granted, you’re all quite young and potentially none of your relationships now will go anywhere, period. 

About feeling bad? I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. A guy you know has feelings for you and maybe you’re flattered. He fills the void in the moments your gf isn’t there and because the emotional connection with your gf is less than what it should be. You know that otherwise there would be zero misunderstandings and you wouldn’t feel awkward around her.

I don’t think either of these people are for you but I also don’t think you need to wallow in guilt for feeling flattered about an old friend liking you. So you adore him. Appreciate him for who he is. My guess is the stress of everything is also causing you to feel vulnerable and confused, needing someone reliable and who understands you. Your male friend checks those boxes but I don’t think your heart is in the right place nor are you fully emotionally available yourself. You’re occupied with the gf in Juarez and worrying about hurting her. That’s no way to start a new relationship with anyone else.

I wouldn’t ever cheat on my gf nor anyone for that matter. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and I would never want anyone to experience that. If my gf and I break up I wouldn’t start a new relationship right off the bat. That’s just a dick move and I’m not like that at all neither is my best friend. And I still don’t know if he has those feelings for me or not, it’s hard to tell with him because he’s so sweet all the time. My mom pointed out that im definitely more of an affectionate person than my gf is, she’s never been affectionate at all really but she tries to be and I think that’s why it still feels awkward with us. We’ve been on two trips together one with my dad to Sam Francisco and the other with her mom to LA and we both slept in the same bed and everything so it shouldn’t still be awkward right? She says she likes cuddles and everything but it still feels stiff and I’m always wondering if she’s uncomfortable or not. The thing is though is with her, if something’s bothering her, she won’t tell me or anyone about it. She just keeps it locked up, while I on the other hand open up about it. This is both mine and hers first relationship as well. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Savvy2001 said:

I wouldn’t ever cheat on my gf nor anyone for that matter. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and I would never want anyone to experience that. If my gf and I break up I wouldn’t start a new relationship right off the bat. That’s just a dick move and I’m not like that at all neither is my best friend. And I still don’t know if he has those feelings for me or not, it’s hard to tell with him because he’s so sweet all the time. My mom pointed out that im definitely more of an affectionate person than my gf is, she’s never been affectionate at all really but she tries to be and I think that’s why it still feels awkward with us. We’ve been on two trips together one with my dad to Sam Francisco and the other with her mom to LA and we both slept in the same bed and everything so it shouldn’t still be awkward right? She says she likes cuddles and everything but it still feels stiff and I’m always wondering if she’s uncomfortable or not. The thing is though is with her, if something’s bothering her, she won’t tell me or anyone about it. She just keeps it locked up, while I on the other hand open up about it. This is both mine and hers first relationship as well. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

In my mind this boils down to not enough time spent in person together. It’s normal for a lot of people not to be lovey dovey and complain or blather on ad nauseum about everything that bothers them especially early on in dating. If she feels you don’t understand her background she may further feel unable to communicate with you. Either way this isn’t going anywhere or progressing as a typical relationship would.

You both got emotionally involved and now it’s messy. In future you’ll know when not to invest in something like this with likelihood of poor outcome/poor circumstances. The standard of the relationship is so low and quality is poor as a result. Not enough intimacy, discomfort at times, very limited in person time spent together, no real future planning. On top of that the communication sucks.

Maybe wait it out and let it run its course - it seems on its last legs. You’re feeling a void and reacting to your male friend due to the void and feeling lonely plus stressed due to not enough work/low income.

Edited October 2, 2023 by glows