Advice on Ex-Fiance situation

[RideorCry]

Needing some advice please to see what intentions are here;

A quick TLDR; Me and my ex-fiance have been split up for about 4 months and a bit now (we were together near 5 years), we share a child together. They're already in a new relationship. I will say I was the main problem in the relationship, I was grieving the death of two parents and shut down emotionally and lacked communication.

We're pretty much in no contact unless it's about our child, and if we do talk over text theyre very robotic, cold and I can hardly recognise them, we also barely talk in person.

We met in town for them to pickup our child (this was a first and they needed to pick up some decorations for halloween) usually I say goodbye to my child and then leave as I attempted this they asked me three times to get a coffee to where i declined and then eventually i said yes, this is out of character for them (they did say it would be good for our child to see us getting along but also in the past wouldnt want to spend time together because it could confuse our daughter).

Usually they dont want to be around me, I guess out of respect for their new partner, but the first thing they said was "You're looking good", I didnt think much of it and just said thanks. They were also very interested in my sex life and was prying for any information, until I shut it down. They also randomly said out of the blue "I've always appreciated that you let me by myself around you and never judged me or was embarrassed by me" - their weirdness was something I always liked. Theyve also mentioned about 2 weeks ago that they were angry and upset that I've changed now and will be better for a another woman but not them, even though I gave them the chance to have this version if me before they got with her new partner. Im going through therapy, a lot of self healing and self reflecting. I should also mention they said I made their day twice, once in person another time on the phone a few hours later.

I asked how their weekend was and they said it was rubbish but wouldn't tell me why, so I just asked if everything was okay, they said yes but done a face that led me to believe otherwise, I didnt push further.

I'm just curious as to what some of you may think they're trying to get out of It saying these kind of things.

Maybe they've just decided to be kind and interested in my life out of nowhere, but I hardly consider this type of interest platonic questioning.

Personally I consider what theyre doing as emotional cheating, if I was their current partner I wouldn't be happy with the things they was saying to their ex

[stillafool]

It does sound like they are leaving a crack in the door to possibly get back with you.  They seem to be hinting that they aren't that happy where they are.  Are you a man or a woman?

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, RideorCry said:

 They were also very interested in my sex life and was prying for any information, until I shut it down. 

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about?  What were the arguments about and what needed to be "improved"?

All you can do is be the best dad you can be and strive for a cooperative and peaceful coparenting arrangement for the sake of your daughter. Try to avoid too much personal chitchat about her dating life and new BF.

It seems like you are hoping to reconcile and looking for some sort of clues or signs. However from your description, she seems to want to be friends but not get back together.

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You have only been broken up for 4 months after being together for 5 years & sharing a child.  You have to recognize that the new relationship was a rebound.  

Anything that adds to the wellbeing of your daughter is a good thing.  Being civil is a good thing.  I would not discuss my sex life with an EX.  If asked again, respond with why do you want to know?  

What do you want here?  Do you want to reconcile?  If so, next time your EX makes overtures, take the risk & ask if they want to get back together.   If you want nothing to do with them romantically, spell that out too but gently so that you can mantain a good co-parenting dynamic.  

[RideorCry]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about?  What were the arguments about and what needed to be "improved"?

All you can do is be the best dad you can be and strive for a cooperative and peaceful coparenting arrangement for the sake of your daughter. Try to avoid too much personal chitchat about her dating life and new BF.

It seems like you are hoping to reconcile and looking for some sort of clues or signs. However from your description, she seems to want to be friends but not get back together.

 

 

 

I don't want any reconciliation, im more concerned (worried about her) about why she is prying and saying these type of things and bringing up being herself around me (my assumption is hes stopping her being herself or shes finding it difficult being herself around him), why she's bringing up that she can see I'm changing and is upset about it. The breakup was my own fault, being emotionally unavailable for a while, during the peroid of me losing my parents within 3 months of each other, I wasnt there for her anymore.

I never ask about her partner or dating life, I have no interest in it. I think you've miss understood, what is happening. She's the one prying and questioning me.

Edited September 29, 2023 by RideorCry

[RideorCry]

56 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It does sound like they are leaving a crack in the door to possibly get back with you.  They seem to be hinting that they aren't that happy where they are.  Are you a man or a woman?

I am a man, im also worried about possible breadcrumbing and emotional manipulation, it happened a lot just after our breakup, it died down and it seems to have sparked back up.

[RideorCry]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have only been broken up for 4 months after being together for 5 years & sharing a child.  You have to recognize that the new relationship was a rebound.  

Anything that adds to the wellbeing of your daughter is a good thing.  Being civil is a good thing.  I would not discuss my sex life with an EX.  If asked again, respond with why do you want to know?  

What do you want here?  Do you want to reconcile?  If so, next time your EX makes overtures, take the risk & ask if they want to get back together.   If you want nothing to do with them romantically, spell that out too but gently so that you can mantain a good co-parenting dynamic.  

It's just very confusing and i want clarity, she tells me sometimes that she's happy without me asking.

I agree our child is the focus now, but she's mentioned many time we shouldn't do anything together because it will confuse our child but now randomly wants to do that.

It's just a lot of weird personal questioning and reminiscing that I don't think is platonic and seems like emotional cheating.

I never bring up anything with her new relationship, hows her dating life etc I only speak to/about our child and leave it at that.

I have made it clear that if her new relationship fails do not attempt to run back to me.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, RideorCry said:

 She's the one prying and questioning me.

Exactly what I meant by sidestepping her attempts at talking too much about personal business.

[d0nnivain]

It does sound like she may want reconciliation.   Life without you isn't the bowl of cherries she expected.  She may be one of those who didn't know what she had until she lost it.  

 

Keep your boundaries & keep your eye on the real prize:  Your daughter 

Edited September 29, 2023 by d0nnivain

[RideorCry]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

It does sound like she may want reconciliation.   Life without you isn't the bowl of cherries she expected.  She may be one of those who didn't know what she had until she lost it.  

 

Keep your boundaries & keep your eye on the real prize:  Your daughter 

Possibly, if she does want to do this she's keeping it close to her chest.

I admit I wasn't the greatest person after losing my parents, so i do take full responsibility for how it ended. I expect she's probably missing traits that I have that he doesn't. 

I will keep my distance and see if this behaviour continues and if it does I'll question why she's even bothering, if she's so happy.