Everything has gone wrong

[JTSW]

I am officially at my lowest. Been struggling with my mental health for a long time. My husband has been amazing looking after me and my best friend has always been my rock. Well I thought she had anyway. I've always been there for her and done so much for her. Me, her, my husband, her husband have been the best of friends for years. We go out and have blast. This morning I get a text from her saying there are things that are making her uncomfortable, she thinks I'm obsessed with her husband which couldn't be further from the truth.  For two years running the four of us went to London for a weekend so the guys could go to a Guns n Roses concert. Each time I got the guys a small Guns n Roses gift for the trip. Nothing major. Just a trinket. My husband see's nothing wrong with that but she has now said I'm treating her husband like my husband. I'm not. We went out Saturday and had a great night. At one point a certain song came on in the bar that got her husband upset as it reminded him of his late mother. We all gave him a group hug. Again, just being supportive friends but she took it wrong and in her words 'I hugged him because I didn't think she could comfort him properly'. After the bar she had bad heartburn so we stopped at the shop to get her something for it. Her husband went in but I poked my head in the doorway of the shop to make sure he got her the right stuff because we had all been drinking and I was just trying to help. She didn't like that I did that and said it's not up to me to do that. She threw a surprise birthday party for him a week ago which my husband and I helped allot with. She asked if I could film things and take pics for her which I did. I got the best pics I could for her, but she's now saying I had no reason to be stood near him taking pics. To say my husband and I are completely shocked and baffled about this is an understatement. I have absolutely no untoward feelings toward her husband. In fact, I find him irritating allot of the time but he's my husbands friend. She has got it all so wrong but wont listen to reason. She has major insecurities when it comes to him and thinks women are after him. I'm certainly not.  I am so unbelievably hurt. I have no idea what to do. All I've ever done is be a good friend.

Edited September 18, 2023 by JTSW

[d0nnivain]

Something else is going on & she's making you the scapegoat. 

Given your longstanding friendship let's start by giving her the benefit of the doubt.  Take her out to a private lunch & talk to her.  Apologize for whatever you did that is upsetting her but do it in a way that doesn't admit fault.  There is not fault here.  You did nothing wrong.  But in deference to whatever she's feeling you do need to back off. If you already know she thinks all women are after him it's especially important for you as her friend to show by your actions that you are trustworthy.  

[Alpacalia]

I too would be rather hurt and confused if I were in your shoes. Whatever is going on with her or between her and her husband seems to be manifesting in the way that she is treating you.

Try putting some space between you and her husband.

Whether or not you think she is misunderstanding your actions, it is still better for you to respect her boundaries as her good friend.

It is obvious that you value your friendship with her. Maybe talk to her and express that you were just looking out for her and her husband out of love and friendship. It could reassure her that you are not harboring any feelings towards her husband. Mental health struggles are hard enough without having to deal with a misunderstanding between friends. Good luck and I hope it all gets sorted out soon.

[JTSW]

I took some time to get my head around it before I responded.

It seems she thought I had an interest in her husband which I most certainly do not.

I was the bigger man and apologised if I made anyone feel uncomfortable in any way and assured her that she got it all completely wrong.

She admitted she may have misread some things and apologised but wanted to make her feelings known and wanted to clear the air.

My husband spoke with her also and assured her this was one big misunderstanding and that I would never do anything to hurt anyone.

She has text me a couple of times to ask if we are good now, I say yes but I don't think I can forget this anytime soon.

She said she doesn't want our friendship to be destroyed but she had certainly hurt it.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, JTSW said:

She said she doesn't want our friendship to be destroyed but she had certainly hurt it.

Sorry this happened. Try to let the dust settle. It seems like she an her husband are having issues and she erupted on you in this weird way.

It doesn't really seem like it's about you but rather trust and jealousy issues in their marriage.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, JTSW said:

 She has major insecurities when it comes to him and thinks women are after him.

Sorry this has happened. It sounds like this issue finally got around to biting the four of you in the rear, unfortunately. It sounds like she unconsciously engineered some of this with the photo-taking etc.

You'll have to see if your friendship can survive this. Maybe, maybe not, but it's unlikely to be what it was. One turns corners in life, sometimes suddenly, and you may need to start looking for some new friends once the dust has settled with this...

[JTSW]

She has been texting me like nothing has happened.

My husband thinks she is aware she made a mistake but this is not something I can just instantly forgive and forget. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

She has been texting me like nothing has happened.

My husband thinks she is aware she made a mistake but this is not something I can just instantly forgive and forget. 

I'm sorry this is happening to you for what sounds like no reason at all.  This must make you very uncomfortable  with her now acting like nothing has happened.  You can't help but tread lightly at this point.

[d0nnivain]

The good news is she understands she has a role in what happened.  Try to forgive but don't necessarily forget.  Let things cool off.  Be mindful in your interactions with her & her husband because you don't need her drama & insecurities in your life.  

[Alpacalia]

This is going to be hard to recover from. I mean, someone that you've been friends with and that close with for so long basically accused you of wanting and being inappropriate towards her man. I know she said she simply "misinterpreted" things but that's not really a good enough excuse to throw at someone.

I'm sorry all of this happened and you and your husband have been put in such an uncomfortable and awkward place. 

Sad that the husband, and whatever else, caused her to flip out on you like this and make things so weird. Unfortunately, I think this is going to cause a serious rift or end to this friendship.

I don't know how you can explain away or deal with what the 2 of you are feeling now. I wouldn't want to be accused of having the hots for someone's husband, that would really be a difficult thing to hear from a close friend, knowing it was all started from a misunderstanding. It would probably be in the back of my mind, when I did the most innocent of things whether it be close with this or that, was she going to pull out the critical card on me again?  

Hopefully it will all fade and you can talk again at some point without all the anxiety and worry, maybe about your kids or something, otherwise moving beyond this uncomfortable place will likely be very tough. It can go downward from here but hopefully it wont.

Things got twisted, now the aim is to stay the course which feels pretty uncomfortable.

Edited September 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

She has been texting me like nothing has happened.

What if you explained that you do value the friendship, but that you're still feeling hurt by her words and just need a bit of time and space to get past it.   

[glows]

Is she a good friend aside from this instance? I wonder why she would be so insecure in her marriage. It makes her husband appear like he’s up to no good and their marriage is on the rocks. Or maybe she is the one looking outside their marriage and projecting. 

Either way I’d keep the peace and stay neutral but keep your distance. I wouldn’t ask any personal questions unless she’s ready to open up and you never know - it may just come out all at once and she wants to talk. You seem very caring towards your friends and that you do genuinely care about their well-being (ie making sure he buys the right medicine when she was sick etc). 

 

[SlimShadysWife]

Respect their relationship, let them figure it out, and stay away.

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, SlimShadysWife said:

Respect their relationship, let them figure it out, and stay away.

Who said I don't respect their marriage?

It has nothing to do with me.

That's their business, not mine.

[JTSW]

Little update: As I said, last night she was texting me just the way she always would.

Then she finally addressed everything and apologised profusely, admitting that she got it all wrong.

She admitted she's not getting on and don't feel good about her husband and let her issues get the better of her.

She said she saw me and her husband getting on (cos we're all friends and all get on well with each other) put two and two together and come up with an effing mess, so she let rip on me and basically took it out on me.

I told her I was really shocked by her accusations and that as my friend she should know that I have never looked at her husband like that and never would.

She admits she gets possessive of him which I already knew. 

She said she really doesn't want things to be awkward between us and wants to make it up to me.

I forgave her and told her we are good, but obviously this is going to take a while for me to get past this.

But at least she knows she made a big mistake and acknowledges that.

It hurt and I cried all day, but I'm confident we can get back to how we were.

Edited September 19, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Is she a good friend aside from this instance? I wonder why she would be so insecure in her marriage. It makes her husband appear like he’s up to no good and their marriage is on the rocks.

Yes, she has been the best friend I ever had. We're super close.

They are both insecure people but they love each other so much and are scared of losing each other.

They are both paranoid about the other and that makes their relationship quite fiery.

She misinterpreted everything when all I have ever done is try to be the best friend I can be to them.

Edited September 19, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

The good news is she understands she has a role in what happened.  Try to forgive but don't necessarily forget.  Let things cool off.  Be mindful in your interactions with her & her husband because you don't need her drama & insecurities in your life.  

This is exactly what I am going to do.

I have forgiven her but I need time to get past this because she really hurt me.

[glows]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

Little update: As I said, last night she was texting me just the way she always would.

Then she finally addressed everything and apologised profusely, admitting that she got it all wrong.

She admitted she's not getting on and don't feel good about her husband and let her issues get the better of her.

She said she saw me and her husband getting on (cos we're all friends and all get on well with each other) put two and two together and come up with an effing mess, so she let rip on me and basically took it out on me.

I told her I was really shocked by her accusations and that as my friend she should know that I have never looked at her husband like that and never would.

She admits she gets possessive of him which I already knew. 

She said she really doesn't want things to be awkward between us and wants to make it up to me.

I forgave her and told her we are good, but obviously this is going to take a while for me to get past this.

But at least she knows she made a big mistake and acknowledges that.

It hurt and I cried all day, but I'm confident we can get back to how we were.

It hurt reading this but it does sound like you’re both on track for healing as long as she understands not only that accusations like this hurt but it’s not appropriate to take it out on a friend.

I would have clarified that although things might not be awkward and you both move past this there will be boundaries and changes such as you letting them work things out betw one another. For ie when he went to get her meds for heartburn in future take a step back and let him be her husband or what she needs him to be. She may not be vocalizing well but she wants him to show that he is capable of caring for her without help because they are insecure and paranoid people. Maybe she values those acts and places a lot of importance in the way she feels about herself or her husband on how he acts in situations like this.

Anything that has to do with either of them doing things for each other I would take a step back and let them deal with each other. I would have done exactly the same as you checking the meds and I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but they are too paranoid and volatile for that kind of close relationship with friends. If he asks for help always in future direct him to his wife/your friend. Let her make any decisions related to him. It may feel like walking on eggshells but it can also be very subtle, being caring but firmly placing any responsibility back on them as a couple and maintaining that boundary. I don’t feel like she should be pressuring you to go back to the way things were before. That’s inappropriate and it was not working for their insecurities and paranoia. I would not mention that but I’d have that for a mental note when around them.

 

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

Yes, she has been the best friend I ever had. We're super close.

They are both insecure people but they love each other so much and are scared of losing each other.

They are both paranoid about the other and that makes their relationship quite fiery.

She misinterpreted everything when all I have ever done is try to be the best friend I can be to them.

I don’t think they are wanting that kind of friend to be frank. She’s insecure and paranoid by default and will seek constant reassurance things are good with you. That’s her default behaviour, needing to hear reassurance. I wouldn’t enable that and if she says that again, I’d mention you’d rather move on from that without rehashing the past and change the subject. And then as mentioned above, anything having to do with her husband always defer to her and vice versa if he ever comes to you even if it’s you and your husband together. Send him back to his wife for her input and not get too involved in their decisions. 

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, glows said:

It may feel like walking on eggshells but it can also be very subtle, being caring but firmly placing any responsibility back on them as a couple and maintaining that boundary. I don’t feel like she should be pressuring you to go back to the way things were before.

There will definitely be some changes.

I'm going to stay back and stick with my husband whenever we are all out together from now on. 

I have always loved taking photos of our nights out together but I'm going to tone that down now.

We haven't got any plans with them for a couple of weeks so I think this will be a good time for us all (especially her) to reflect. 

I haven't heard from her today so I think she is giving me some space for the moment.

My husband has said we should just let it go now but it's not as simple as that.

She really hurt me.

It's going to take time but I will get there, with allot more awareness and caution.

[d0nnivain]

Do take the photos because that brings you joy but be more mindful of what you photograph.  No selfies of you & her husband.  Take some pix of you & her, or you & your DH.  Get somebody else to take the group photo of you but make sure you & her husband on are on the outsides with her & your husband in the middle.  Exhibit a tad more PDA with your guy when they are around. Don't go nuts but let her see you genuinely connecting with your husband. 

 

I'm glad you two are working toward getting back to normal.  

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Exhibit a tad more PDA with your guy when they are around.

We do this anyway lol my hubby and I are very close.

[JTSW]

I don't know, I thought after a couple of days I would feel better at least, but I can't get it all out of my head.

Haven't spoken with her since Monday and hubby tells me I can't avoid her forever.

I just feel so indifferent now and the thought of seeing them again fills me with worry.