boyfriend dislikes my best friend

[heavenonearth]

my boyfriend of over one year really dislikes my best friend. this is quite painful to me, because every time i talk about her, he immediately has an anti attitude, doesn't want to hear it, or becomes judgmental. it's quite hard on me, i have to say. my bestie lives 5 hours away but it is inevitable that they will have to meet at some point in the near future, and i am afraid how that would go.

how would you navigate this?

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I hear you.

To me, it's not just the prospect of them meeting that likely bothers you. It's that we like to talk about our best friends to our love partners and share about the best friends because we are so close to them. 

Do you have any sense of the original of bf's dislike of the best friend? Is this a male jealousy thing? 

[MsJayne]

If he's never met her, why does he dislike her? Has he developed a dislike just listening in when you talk to her, or have you told him things that have influenced his opinion of her? 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

my boyfriend of over one year really dislikes my best friend. this is quite painful to me, because every time i talk about her, he immediately has an anti attitude, doesn't want to hear it, or becomes judgmental. it's quite hard on me, i have to say. my bestie lives 5 hours away but it is inevitable that they will have to meet at some point in the near future, and i am afraid how that would go.

how would you navigate this?

 

If he hasn’t met her, why the dislike?

 

what sparked the dislike? Did you share a story thst makes your friend appear like a loony?

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry, I screwed up the agenda ... I somehow concluded that your best friend was a guy. But your best friend is a woman. Wow. 

It's not unusual for a partner to not like the other's close friend as much as the partner does. But to actively dislike the best friend and to say critical things whenever the best friend is mentioned--that's something else. 

I'm interested in reading about what others think. 

Edited September 17, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

 every time i talk about her, he immediately has an anti attitude, doesn't want to hear it. they will have to meet at some point in the near future, 

It's strange he dislikes only from you talking about her. Try to discontinue that. Keep whatever you and your friends talk about confidential. What, exactly, doesn't he need like about her?

They also don't "have to" meet. You don't need your BF's approval for friends and you don't need your friends' approval of BFs  

People don't have to like each other. It's invariably a mistake to force everyone together, especially if what you shared about them is creating discord before they ever met.. All anyone in your life has to do is respect the other people in it. 

It's important to maintain your friends and not be isolated especially in a newer relationship. Perhaps over sharing is an issue, perhaps your BF has a problem? 

Edited September 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

It's hard to tell what the problem is. Perhaps you can shed a bit of light on the situation. Is your boyfriend this way about anyone else? Exactly what kinds of things do you tell him about your best friend? And can you be absolutely sure they have never met?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why has he decided he doesn't like her? 

[Alpacalia]

I'm really wondering why your boyfriend has such a negative opinion when it comes to your bestie?

And, be careful not to get dragged into any negativity surrounding your pal. It's totally okay if not everyone you're close to hits it off. The main thing is for them to be respectful and keep an open mind. They don't have to be best buddies; it's perfectly fine if they're just lukewarm about each other. That can work out just fine.

[heavenonearth]

thanks for your responses, i will try to give some more background information.

when my boyfriend and i met, my bestie was going through a rough time with dating. i would get text messages on a daily basis of her dating life, and each week she was seeing someone new. of course with that came a lot of heartbreak and i was always there to listen (as i am). my boyfriend noticed a lot of this and sorta had an opinion about her quickly. to him, she was the girl that sorta didn't have her life figured out. i felt that was pretty judgy (like, what does he care?), but i also get he had a very different, more conservative upbringing than i (or my bestie), and some of that still sticks with him.

in january of this year, my bestie stopped working at her job and stayed home for the next months. she had some money problems and i helped her with some money. i sent her a nice bday present and tried to cheer her up as i could from afar. during february it was my birthday and my bestie didnt get me anything. that same week she started dating someone who lived close to me and visited him. around this time i got a bit mad at her, because i felt quite used. i felt that she had weird priorities (spending money to meet a dude she just met but didn't feel like it would be worth to come see me for my birthday).

during those months without a job, she indeed was very self-centered, rarely asked me how i was doing and after my boyfriend pointed it out to me, i felt like she took me for granted. i had a lot of that bubbling up inside of me. i talked to my boyfriend about it, because we talk about almost everything that's on our minds. he got super mad, and as he had already a bad opinion about my bestie, he said straight up that he doesn't like how she treats me, and if he ever met her, he wouldn't know how to deal with the situation, because he has so much disdain for her.

during springtime, my bestie met a new guy who she has been dating since. she seems to be quite happy and a month ago she also got a new apartment and a new job, ever since then she’s been more attentive with me, also. we had a talk where i raised my concerns about the time when she did not treat me as well. i told her that i felt a bit used, since she never asked me anything about my life and each day all we did was talk about her, her problems and so on. she said she did not do this purposefully and apologized. i showed a lot of understanding, as i know it was not her fault for having a rough time. at the moment things are very nice with us and also more balanced again, and i value our friendship.

my boyfriend, however, does not care. my phone rings and my bestie texts? he rolls his eyes. and every time a judgmental comment “i don’t like how she teats you” “i think she’s a narcissist” “this relationship of her won’t last and then she’s miserable again and treats you like crap again” etc. he cannot see her redeeming qualities. makes me very sad, because i do love her as my friend and i know how difficult life can sometimes get, and then you just don’t see the world around you. i do not hold it against her.

i, indeed, am afraid what will happen when they meet in real life. i want him to like her.
her and i often joke around about going on a trip the four of us (like a couples' trip), and my boyfriend refuses the idea entirely.

thank you for reading.

[heavenonearth]

13 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

It's hard to tell what the problem is. Perhaps you can shed a bit of light on the situation. Is your boyfriend this way about anyone else? Exactly what kinds of things do you tell him about your best friend? And can you be absolutely sure they have never met?

Yes, they have never met.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

 he rolls his eyes. and every time a judgmental comment “i don’t like how she teats you” “i think she’s a narcissist” “this relationship of her won’t last and then she’s miserable again and treats you like crap again” etc. 

Unfortunately he got all that from your confiding in him when your friendship with her was strained. All you can do is perhaps slow down on the TMI about her.

Your BF really doesn't have to hear about her love life. Try to keep your friends' confidences rather than telling your BF about them. It's doubtful you would want what you confide in with your friends to be the subject of discussion with their BFs. 

Edited September 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

every time a judgmental comment “i don’t like how she teats you” “i think she’s a narcissist”

I'm seeing his point of view.  It's the birthday thing. You bought her a nice present to cheer her up, (because you're kind and generous), she completely ignored/forgot your birthday, (because she's so thoroughly self-absorbed). You make excuses for her bad behaviour because that's what friends of "takers" do. It's nice that your BF cares so much about you, but it's not for him to decide who you should be friends with. Maybe stop telling him about her private life as that's where his judgyness is coming from, don't give him any more ammo if you want them to be friends one day. 

[ShyViolet]

I think it's very immature of him to hold this grudge against your friend and not be able to resist saying all sorts of negative things about her all the time, even though the problems between you and her seem to be resolved.  This is borderline controlling behavior... he wants to control who you are friends with.  He has decided that you shouldn't be friends with this girl and he can't let it go.  I could understand if she was actively treating you badly now, but according to you she is not.  You just had an issue in the past which you have resolved.

If he can't grow up and let this go, then you should seriously rethink this relationship.  He will start trying to control other aspects of your life.

[Lotsgoingon]

Thanks for the additional information. 

I'm wondering if your bf is really unhappy with YOU. Unhappy about how you spend time with your friend. The over-the-top quality of his criticism of the friend tells me his upset is not really about the friend. Something else is bugging him. 

Maybe he feels the friend takes up time and energy he wants you to reserve for him. And his method of objecting is a form of  passive-aggressiveness. Instead of criticizing you directly or saying openly (and vulnerably) how much he misses you when you are preoccupied with your friend, he harshly criticizes the friend.

Your bf could also be worried that you won't set good boundaries as you two continue on in your relationship and that if not this friend some other person may come into your life and occupy time and energy. 

I'm not saying he is right or justified if this is his thinking. I'm just thinking out loud and imagining what's REALLY going on inside his head. 

 

 

[basil67]

I feel like you very much overshared what's going on and he's (quite understandably) decided that he doesn't want her in his life.   That said, I feel that he is being childish with not letting up on all the eye rolling and name calling.  And I also think that his behaviour suggests there a darker and unwelcome side to him

As the situation has now become untenable, you're going to have to assess the actions of both parties and make a choice between them

[Gaeta]

Have you nicely told him to shut up about it?

Tell him you probably overshared to him details of your friendship while she was down. One day you'll be in a tough spot and she'll be there for you. Friendships are like relationships, they can have downs & misunderstandings & selfishness. We're humans therefore full of flaws but you love her with her flaws and you'd be grateful if he could open his mind and meet her with no judgement.

Also, in that same conversation tell him the eye rolling and name calling hurt *you* and you'd like he stops hurting *you* that way.

 

[BaileyB]

On 9/16/2023 at 8:11 PM, heavenonearth said:

my bestie lives 5 hours away but it is inevitable that they will have to meet at some point in the near future

How in the world does one dislike another person that they have never met? That seems rather extreme to me - I would be quite concerned about his behavior, if it was me. 

[bene]

Sometimes it’s difficult to understand that people are just venting. When you constantly talk about all kind of troubles with your friend then it’s easy to conclude that maybe she’s not a very good friend. Maybe cut back with the information about your friend’s love life and finances if you don’t want your boyfriend to form an opinion based on that info.

If the situation was reversed and it was your boyfriend’s friend, would you honestly not feel the same way?

It’s a bit unfair to your boyfriend to first frame the issue like he irrationally just dislikes someone he’s never met.

[Alpacalia]

From your boyfriend's perspective, he seems concerned that your best friend might not be the best influence on you, or a good friend to have when she isn't treating you well. It is understandable that he is protective of you because he cares about you and wants to make sure you have positive relationships in your life.

You have to understand that your best friend's actions have likely left him with a negative impression and he may need more time and evidence to build back a trusting relationship.

For your boyfriend, you're going to have to communicate why you value your relationship with your best friend, what good qualities she has, and why it is important for him to be accepting of her. For your friend, you should have an open conversation that explains why you were frustrated and let her know that you appreciate her efforts to improve the relationship.

That way, your friend doesn't feel like your boyfriend is judging her and your boyfriend feels like his opinions are being respected.

[d0nnivain]

He developed a negative impression of her because through her struggles all he saw was the bad stuff.  You are a great friend for sticking through the bad stuff.  

Let me play Devil's advocate here.  If the tables were reversed, would this woman have done for you what you have been doing for her?  If not, your BF may have a point about this being a one way friendship & her taking advantage of you.  You view your friendship through a prism of love & longevity.  New BF is a tad more objective.  He could also be jealous.  

Stop talking about BFFs problems to your BF.  Seriously omit all references to her from conversations with him.  The occasionally -- no more than once every two weeks -- mention something positive & loving she has done for you.   Give his brain a chance to rewire her in his mind from negative to positive.   Hopefully by the time they meet she will be on her best behavior & he will see the good friend you cherish rather than a mooch who makes a lot of bad choices.  ('cause frankly that was what I saw when you described her.  I can only imagine how much worse it is for your BF when you drag him into her daily drama)