I had a miscarriage and I'm blaming it on my in-law

[CaraGrace]

I had a miscarriage (6-week pregnant) just on the past Sunday. It was my first pregnancy. It wasn't easy for my husband and I to get pregnant in the first place since we're at our late 30s already. I still remember how blessed and happy we felt a few weeks ago when my pregnancy test was positive. I've been very careful with everything (the food I ate, the skincare and other products I used... all are pregnancy-safe). My first prenatal check-up was initially booked this Thursday, I thought I would be meeting my baby for the first time from the ultrasound images... but then, everything changed...

On the past Saturday, my husband and I drove to a clinic to get medicines for my mother-in-law, then drove to her convenient store (that she and my father-in-law run together) to deliver the medicines to her - though she lives and works only 15-min by bus from the clinic, while we had to drive over an hour to the clinic and then to her store. But my husband is a loving son and he doesn't mind going all those extra miles for his mum. And I went out with him because I've been skipping family dinners using different kinds of excuses since I was pregnant (in our culture we don't announce pregnancy until after 12 weeks, my in-laws didn't know about it but usually they ordered very heavy and unhealthy food at dinners which is not pregnancy-safe). Both my husband and I thought that I should take this chance to just show up (without having to eat with them) so that they wouldn't question/suspect about my "disappearance". At the same time I also brought some vegetables I grew at home to her because she asked for some herself, and I also made her some fish soup (I started to make fish soup after I got pregnant because it's good for pregnant women and all women in general, and it's also her favourite soup).

At first we wanted to just park on the street next to the building where the clinic was located, since it would only take us less than 5 min to take the medicines. But when we got there the street was already fully parked, and so we could only pay and park inside the building. This parking lot was very small, with only one narrow lane going up and down to different levels, but somehow there were 2 to 3 speed bumps on each level along the way. The bumps were also higher than normal and so it's very bumpy when you drive over, and we only managed to find a parking space when we reached the 5/F (which means we went through at least 10 speed bumps along the way). Actually I started to feel uncomfortable (and also worried) when we reached the 2/F, I placed my hands on my tummy the whole time, but I thought we'd find a parking space soon so I didn't say anything, and I didn't want to stop the car in the middle of the narrow lane while there were other cars going down and also behind us. Maybe I should have gotten out of the car earlier... Finally after we've parked and when I got out of the car, I had this weird feeling in my tummy as if something inside is going to explode. But I felt better after going to the washroom, thinking maybe I just needed to pee. And then on our way down, to play safe I told my husband that I didn't want to go through all those speed bumps again and so I asked him to meet me outside the building and I just took the lift down.

I thought everything was fine and didn't think that the baby would really be "bumped" away that easy... But that night when I was in the shower, I felt very uncomfortable at my tummy again but luckily nothing happened. On Sunday I went about the day as usual but later that night when I showered, the same feeling again, but this time with blood coming out... We immediately went to the hospital and I stayed for a night, but the doctors couldn't find the fetus in 3 separate ultrasound checks. It's quite certain that I had a miscarriage. My heart just broke... I've been discharged the next day but I'm now still going through all these bleeding and pain. I tried to think positive and not to blame myself or anybody. But when I think about how I started to feel unwell only after Saturday, and then the miscarriage happened on Sunday night, I can't help but think if I didn't go out with my husband to get medicines for my in-law, this might not have happened.

As I said, it actually takes much shorter time if my in-law just got the medicines by herself. The reason why she's not doing this herself was that she always thinks she's too busy and she can't leave the store (it's also a fact that my father-in-law would scold her if she leaves her work behind). Like even when my husband accompanied her to see the doctor, she always urged my husband to pick her up earlier and drove her back asap. She always whines about her miserable life, and I used to pity her even though I thought it's her problem that she cannot take control of her life as a full-grown adult and that she chooses to be miserable herself. But I still had empathy for her. But now I think just because she failed to take control of her own life and change her pattern, she's causing troubles to/harming the people who really care about her. 

She's not thankful for anything and she thinks we should do things for her because her life is miserable. And she never appreciates what I do for her.  Like this time when I gave her the vegetable that she asked for, the first thing she said was complain about the small quantity (as if she thought I was too stingy to give her more) and asked me to "take them back" cos she didn't want them anymore. I only have the space to grow a few pots at home, and I've already given her all my harvest, I didn't have a garden or backyard for planting and she knew it. Actually she says the same thing every time I gifted or brought her anything. This time I tried not to feel pissed because I was pregnant and I didn't want to affect the baby. And when I gave her the fish soup she didn't even say thank you and just put it aside. I mean that's fine, I don't really need her to thank me. Like it or not, I made it for her truly because I wanted to since I knew she seldom have the time to cook and she always eat unhealthy fast food. But later that night, she called my husband and I heard she told him that "the soup wasn't that good". I mean, if you really didn't like it, if it tasted that awful for you, just pour it down the drain and no one needs to know about it. Why bother calling your son and tell him that it tasted bad? Honestly I got tired easily when I stood too long cooking at the kitchen after I got pregnant, but still I made that soup for her. Now I have no idea why. I should have just stayed home, had the soup myself, then maybe my baby would still be inside my tummy...

I know I'm linking all these things and emotions up which are not necessarily related to my miscarriage. I know there're many factors that caused my miscarriage. I know she's not responsible for it. But I just can't help thinking if I just stayed home and took care of myself first, this wouldn't have happened.. And actually I never really liked my husband's family, including his sister and brother-in-law, who are avaricious hypocrites. And every one of them just always sends my husband on errand that no one wants to do, and we're always sacrificing ourselves for their convenience. I know I don't have to skip family dinners anymore now that I have lost my baby, but honesty I don't want to see them anymore. It has always been energy-draining having dinner with them, faking smiles in front of them... I didn't tell my husband about all these things that I feel because I don't want him to feel bad or guilty for what happened, or get mad at me for blaming it on his mother. But I don't know how to tell him that I don't want to see his family again without telling him what I'm feeling.

Edited September 15, 2023 by CaraGrace

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear of your loss. Regarding your husband's family, that's quite a lot of resentment to be harbouring. Your MIL sounds like a whiney, demanding old bat, and I see how your husband running around after her would bug you. I don't know about the relationship between speed bumps and miscarriage, I'm not a gynaecologist, what did the doctors at the hospital say? Did they support your theory? When apportioning blame to circumstances or events, where do you stop? Is it your MIL's fault for being demanding, or your husband's fault for pandering to her, or your fault for going along for the ride, or the clinic's fault for having so many speed bumps? I certainly don't mean to diminish your experience, but life is sometimes cruel without any input from other people, and we just have to accept it. It does sound like you resent your MIL so much that blaming her in some way just comes naturally, and maybe you just need someone to vent your anger and disappointment on. You may be experiencing the loss more deeply than you realise and perhaps some grief counselling might help.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry that you lost your baby.  I've also had one and it's heartbreaking.  (((hugs)))

You did nothing to cause this.  The speed bumps in a carpark won't cause a miscarriage. Getting tired or long drives won't cause it.  Your actions didn't make this happen.  

As annoying as your inlaws are, I feel like you know that the blame you're putting on them is irrational, but you're in a delicate state at the moment and are processing grief and anger and probably a whole lot of general annoyance at your inlaws and it's all getting confused.   This is really normal.  But if these feelings persist, please don't hesitate to reach out to a grief counsellor for help.   And we are here for you.

 

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry for your loss.  

The details you shared about your profound resentment toward your in laws shows that your marriage is rocky.  The stress of trying to get pregnant & the lack of support you feel makes it all the more difficult but you're your own worst enemy here.  You make every little molehill a mountain.  

Get some counseling.  It will help you relax & be happier.  

[FMW]

I'm very sorry for your loss and grief.

Nothing you or anyone else did, including the speed bumps, caused your miscarriage.  Many years ago I had a miscarriage at about the same point in a pregnancy.  Even though I hadn't planned the pregnancy (it was just a few months prior to my wedding and wasn't in our "plan") I felt very guilty because I wondered if I had done something to cause it.  That's a normal reaction, I think the responsibility for a baby is usually a natural instinct.  Think of all the women you've known who have had babies - they don't stay at home wrapped in bubble wrap with their feet propped up during the pregnancy.  

My doctor told me it was not uncommon for pregnancies, especially in the first few months, to not be viable.  She said something isn't developing correctly and the body recognizes the problem.  She also said it was unlikely to indicate anything about my future ability to carry a baby to term.  

Your issues with your in-laws are a separate thing that's existed for a while, and this emotional experience just left you unable to push it aside any longer.  This is a sign for you to start to deal with those feelings.  

[JTSW]

Unfortunately these things happen. 

I've been through it myself and understand your heartbreak.

No-one or nothing is to blame, it just happens. 

If your MIL causes you allot of stress then it's best to take a step back from her and go low contact.

Don't do things for her if she doesn't appreciate it.

Sending you big hugs.

Edited September 20, 2023 by JTSW

[Els]

Sorry for your loss.

This isn't the first thread you've made about your in-laws and your husband... in your other threads, notably https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/617144-sister-brother-in-laws-sneaky-plan-to-leech-on-my-parents-in-laws-money/ , you are clearly starting off with a lot of resentment towards your parents-in-law, because your husband basically exists to be at their beck and call, and he arranges your entire lives around them. So, naturally, they are the people you blame when you have a miscarriage.

I'm not saying that your in-laws are faultless - your MIL certainly sounds like a piece of work. However, perhaps consider the fact that you are blaming them for things that are not strictly their fault. While immense stress can occasionally cause miscarriages, speedbumps don't cause miscarriages, and speedbumps and a trip in the car also don't normally cause that much stress to most people.

Also, in https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/604936-so-in-marriage-we-only-share-happiness-but-not-sorrows/ you mentioned that you didn't want kids, and was only considering having them because your husband was pressuring you into it. Did you genuinely change your mind, or is this again one of those decisions that he makes unilaterally and you just go along with?

The real issue here, as I see it, is that your husband has no boundaries when it comes to his parents, and also that you have unfortunately enabled him to do so, by letting him decide unilaterally where the two of you will live (as mentioned in your previous thread), by marrying him, and by consenting to have a child with him. Perhaps have a good think about what kind of life you want for yourself, and for any potential future children, and ask yourself: is this it? You know as well as anyone else does that having a child with this man will bind you for life with him, and consequently with his MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and all the other ILs that you so despise.

You've said repeatedly that your MIL is where she is because she failed to take control of her life. I agree with you. Hopefully, that is not a mistake that you will continue to make yourself.