Dumped by an avoidant?

[Cojbib]

I am 28 years old (m) and was dating a 21 year old (f) for 2 months, we met on tinder. It all started out very well, the chemistry was extremely good, sex was amazing. It felt like we had known each other our whole lives, both of us pointed it out. We chatted basically all day and everyday and met up 3-4 times a week. During one of our dates she said she didnt have the need to see other people and had removed tinder, and i said the same.

After about 1.5 months i had started falling for her pretty hard. And her birthday came up, so i bought her flowers and she initially got very happy and asked me to come over. But this is where things started going sideways. About 2 days after her birthday she got distant with me. Got slow on the texting and short answers, i basically felt semi-ghosted and i didnt have the slightest idea where this came from since our relationship had been so good. At first i rubbed it off but it kept going, and she even cancelled our next date cause she wasnt feeling well. It seemed like she didnt want to communicate with me so i gave her space. 2 days later she sent me a big text stating she got scared cause things have been going so quickly between us, and that she has a history of backing off when she starts to like someone. So she dumped me.

She is a very independent woman, rarely asks for help, not even from her parents. Very social and outgoing, very likeable personality. I always thought she had a hard time talking about her own feelings. I had not heard much about attachment styles before this, but now i know alot because this just doesnt feel normal. She just fits in so well with the avoidant.

What are your thoughts, could she be an avoidant?

[ExpatInItaly]

She might be. Or she might just be your average, finicky 21-year-old girl (coming from a former finicky 21-year-old girl here)

Try not to get too deep into attachment theory for such a short-lived relationship. You don't know her anywhere near well enough to begin to guess. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Cojbib said:

She is a very independent woman,

I'm sorry that happened.  I'm not into labelling people, so I'll just talk broadly

Kindly, I respect that you treat her as a woman, but in reality she's not much more than a teenager, and the two of you are at vastly different life stages.  Sure, she might be mature for a 21yo, and it was fun while it lasted, but that doesn't mean that she wants the same things as you do at this point. 

Also, you're old enough to know that the reasons people give for breaking up aren't necessarily true.  And her reason for breaking up was just a fancy version of "it's not you, it's me".   The truth is, you will never know exactly what she was feeling or why she broke up. 

 

[Cojbib]

45 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry that happened.  I'm not into labelling people, so I'll just talk broadly

Kindly, I respect that you treat her as a woman, but in reality she's not much more than a teenager, and the two of you are at vastly different life stages.  Sure, she might be mature for a 21yo, and it was fun while it lasted, but that doesn't mean that she wants the same things as you do at this point. 

Also, you're old enough to know that the reasons people give for breaking up aren't necessarily true.  And her reason for breaking up was just a fancy version of "it's not you, it's me".   The truth is, you will never know exactly what she was feeling or why she broke up. 

 

Thanks for replying. I know, but I am just so keen on finding closure that its driving me nuts. But I will eventually see things more clearly.

[Cojbib]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She might be. Or she might just be your average, finicky 21-year-old girl (coming from a former finicky 21-year-old girl here)

Try not to get too deep into attachment theory for such a short-lived relationship. You don't know her anywhere near well enough to begin to guess. 

Thanks for replying. It may very well be so. This is not the first time things go wrong when dating young girls, so I think its time for change.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Cojbib said:

Thanks for replying. I know, but I am just so keen on finding closure that its driving me nuts. But I will eventually see things more clearly.

Your closure is that you are dating too young for your age and in most cases it's just not compatible.   Sure, it's fun for her for a while, but in the end there was too much difference.  Your closure is recognising the large difference between you

8 minutes ago, Cojbib said:

 This is not the first time things go wrong when dating young girls, so I think its time for change.

Why have your been choosing young girls over women your own age?  Serious question

Edited September 15, 2023 by basil67

[Cojbib]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your closure is that you are dating too young for your age and in most cases it's just not compatible.   Sure, it's fun for her for a while, but in the end there was too much difference.

Why have your been choosing young girls over women your own age?  Serious question

I ask myself that question. I have been dating girls both younger and older than me in the past, but i usually find the younger ones more attractive, dont know why. My ex was also young and that relationship was terrible.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Cojbib said:

 We chatted basically all day and everyday and met up 3-4 times a week. 

 her birthday came up, ghosted and . she dumped me.

Sorry this happened. Even though you had great chemistry, it was definitely too much too soon. It seems like she was on/off with someone. 

It doesn't seem like a coincidence or attachment theory that 2 days after her birthday she ends things. It seems more like she heard from someone she's talking to or was recently with.

Keep in mind there are people who hop on apps like tinder  a nanosecond after an argument/breakup as a distraction. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Cojbib said:

I ask myself that question. I have been dating girls both younger and older than me in the past, but i usually find the younger ones more attractive, dont know why. My ex was also young and that relationship was terrible.

We all find the younger ones attractive    I'm in my mid 50's, with a partner of 30+ years and still appreciate the 28yo guys.  But then reality kicks in.....

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Cojbib said:

. My ex was also young and that relationship was terrible.

Try to avoid the "sizzle and fizzle" style dating. It ultimately leads to this type of crash and burn.

This has nothing to do with attachment theories or age. It's simply way too much too soon and when the high from the novelty and excitement wears off, it just runs out of gas.

At any age and with whatever personality, this too much too soon style of dating is not sustainable and becomes suffocating and old when people come to their senses. Slow your roll.

[Cojbib]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Even though you had great chemistry, it was definitely too much too soon. It seems like she was on/off with someone. 

It doesn't seem like a coincidence or attachment theory that 2 days after her birthday she ends things. It seems more like she heard from someone she's talking to or was recently with.

Keep in mind there are people who hop on apps like tinder  a nanosecond after an argument/breakup as a distraction. 

Maybe it is so. I just want to believe that if it is the right person, too much too soon wont exist. I actually think she was more into me in the beginning than i was her, and i thought that maybe we should slow down. But over time my interest went up to the point i didnt want to be away from her.

[basil67]

37 minutes ago, Cojbib said:

Maybe it is so. I just want to believe that if it is the right person, too much too soon wont exist

It does exist with the right person.  My partner of over 30yrs and I broke every rule in the book when we met. I was recently separated from my first husband, temporarily living with my cousin. Sex on the day we met. I moved in after about 4 months. Combined bank accounts at 6 months.  Bought a house at two years.....

But what I did was a huge risk. Yes, it paid off, but there was a much greater chance for it to have crashed and burned.   If you're going to take risks by dating people who are higher risk by being younger...or in my case recently separated...you need to be prepared for likely failure.

It's all a gamble.   And the more the odds are stacked against you, the higher the stakes are

[BreakOnThrough]

You met on Tinder, consider what you had a win and move on.  Try Match if you are looking for more of a relationship, Hinge in some circumstances can work as well.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cojbib said:

 my interest went up to the point i didnt want to be away from her.

Unfortunately that's where it fell apart. There's no harm in pacing yourself. 

Unfortunately suffocating isn't about attachment theory, it's just not sustainable.

If things are going well, there's no reason for texting all day every day and seeing each other this much.

Give people room to breathe and a chance to miss you. Oversaturation isn't attractive.

[Cojbib]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It does exist with the right person.  My partner of over 30yrs and I broke every rule in the book when we met. I was recently separated from my first husband, temporarily living with my cousin. Sex on the day we met. I moved in after about 4 months. Combined bank accounts at 6 months.  Bought a house at two years.....

But what I did was a huge risk. Yes, it paid off, but there was a much greater chance for it to have crashed and burned.   If you're going to take risks by dating people who are higher risk by being younger...or in my case recently separated...you need to be prepared for likely failure.

It's all a gamble.   And the more the odds are stacked against you, the higher the stakes are

But it did not break you, right? It couldve with the wrong person.

[stillafool]

I know at the age of 21 the last thing I wanted was to be saddled into a relationship with a man 7 years.older than me.  I think this was her problem.

[Cojbib]

33 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I know at the age of 21 the last thing I wanted was to be saddled into a relationship with a man 7 years.older than me.  I think this was her problem.

Could be.

[Lotsgoingon]

OMG, too much too soon can ruin ANY relationship. Are you kidding me? 

 It all started out very well, the chemistry was extremely good, sex was amazing. It felt like we had known each other our whole lives, both of us pointed it out. We chatted basically all day and everyday and met up 3-4 times a week. This is all a hormonal high and you guys binged on each other.  And yes, it was going to crash, just as you would crash from a high intensity crack binge. 

Her hormone-induced high just crashed before yours did. Those infatuation hormones suppress the brain's ability to think clearly and critically--for a time. The critical brain will eventually come online and even in the high will start poking around at the high's message that this is the world's most amazing love. The critical brain, that has allowed human achievements on a staggering scale, will gain some power and authority. A mature relationship, built over time, is based on yes, hormones AND the critical brain. The relationship can pass the judgement of the critical, skeptical mind. 

Those feelings you had--or you both had at the start--that life was now magical and that you had found a connection to last through all eternity and that life is now wonderful and would ever be so---all that is a temporary brain glitch. And look that feeling you had knows NOTHING IMPORTANT about her. Is she a spender or a saver? What's her biggest flaw? What's the area of disagreement that you two would have had to work on to sustain the relationship? What's her mother like? What's father like? Her father could have been a violent alcoholic and you would know NOTHING about this in the first stage of infatuation. 

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

Trying to psychoanalyze her and figure out what her "attachment style" is will not get you anywhere.  It's not your place to figure out what her attachment style is.  For whatever reason she decided that she's not into this relationship anymore.  The thing she said about having a history of getting scared off when things get serious, that could just be some BS that she told you to let you down easy.  Just accept that the relationship didn't work out and she lost interest.

[Alpacalia]

At the end of the day she decided that you two were not a good fit. Could happen a few months into a relationship or even a few years into one, there is no specified timeline for someone to make decisions.

Sure, it's possible that the intensity scared her off. That things were progressing too quickly for her comfort level and thought it best to call it off while the flame was still young. It doesn't mean that she wasn't feeling the same amount of chemistry as you, it's just that she may have been feeling overwhelmed or afraid of moving too fast.

If she's not comfortable in the relationship then it's best for her to step away.

Sorry it didn't work out but hopefully you'll find someone who is willing to take the time to get to know you and wants to move at a pace that is comfortable for both of you.

Edited September 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Cojbib said:

But it did not break you, right? It couldve with the wrong person.

Yes, he could have been the wrong person.  Which is why for the first year or so, I enjoyed what we had but kept reminding myself that I had to keep a lookout for problems.  Lucky, no major hurdles arrived.

[basil67]

At an age similar to her, I had a fling with a guy who was about 9 years older than me.  It was intense, but given our age difference, it never occurred to me that it was anything more than a fling.   I was genuinely shocked when he started planning a future and wanting me to move away with him.  I mean, he was at the point of settling down and I was only 20!   I backed away real quick 

If you want to keep chasing young women, you need to be aware of the high chances of them backing out after a bit for a man who's a peer.   Why not go for a woman who's 25?  

[Weezy1973]

On 9/15/2023 at 1:08 AM, Cojbib said:

I have been dating girls both younger and older than me in the past, but i usually find the younger ones more attractive, dont know why.

If you’re looking for a long term relationship, you need to prioritize compatibility over attraction. Chances are that no matter how attracted you are to women in their early 20s, they won’t be compatible for a long term partner. 

[Cojbib]

On 9/15/2023 at 9:00 PM, Alpacalia said:

At the end of the day she decided that you two were not a good fit. Could happen a few months into a relationship or even a few years into one, there is no specified timeline for someone to make decisions.

Sure, it's possible that the intensity scared her off. That things were progressing too quickly for her comfort level and thought it best to call it off while the flame was still young. It doesn't mean that she wasn't feeling the same amount of chemistry as you, it's just that she may have been feeling overwhelmed or afraid of moving too fast.

If she's not comfortable in the relationship then it's best for her to step away.

Sorry it didn't work out but hopefully you'll find someone who is willing to take the time to get to know you and wants to move at a pace that is comfortable for both of you.

Thank you for taking your time to write me this.