Was I too hasty?

[KateS92]

Looking for some advice because it’s currently getting me really down…

earlier this year I started dating a guy and I have honestly never met anyone before that I was so compatible with. We had so much in common it was scary! Unfortunately I knew there was a bit of an expiration date as he had to move countries for work temporarily. He moved away we kept the convo flowing a little but then he ended it with me saying he wanted to put things on pause because of the long distance which I understood. So we stopped talking for about 4 months. I was super sad and found it hard to forget about him but moved on some what. Then about a month ago out of the blue, he messages me and reconnect and start talking again. We agreed to go for dinner once he had settled back into life here. The only difference was, this time I was waiting 72 hours for responses rather than the back and fourth I was used to. At first I let it go and didn’t read too much into it but we haven’t arranged that date and he’s been back a month now so I feel like the communication should have picked up. So the other night whilst out with friends and feeling super down about it again my friends told me to take control and basically just end it with him as he’s not giving me the communication I want. I did this but I then blocked his number. I didn’t want to receive rejection from him, but now part of me wonders if he didn’t reject me and actually said he wanted to date me. I unblocked him the next day but if he did send me a message I’ll never receive it. I deleted all traces of his number so i can’t contact him. Now I’m so sad that I’ve been too hasty and I didn’t even get a chance to hear him out.

Do I just sit tight and hope if he really likes me he will contact me again. Or do I find a way to reach out? To make matters worse he just can up as a suggested match on Hinge the dating app but I fear if I reach out on that it will look really psycho…

What do I do? 😔

[basil67]

I wonder what possessed him to contact you and then be half hearted about the whole thing.  Sigh.  I guess some things just aren't explicable.  

Don't reach out.   And if there is a block option on the dating app, use it.

Onwards and upwards  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he seems a lot less interested in reconnecting than you do. While blocking was rash and out of anger, perhaps it was best after all.

Since you're both on dating apps, take advantage of the situation and start talking to and meeting other men.

Block him on the dating app. There's no point chasing uninterested men when you can start meeting men who want what you want.

[JTSW]

No, don't contact him.

He's been back a whole month and hasn't contacted you.

That means he's no longer interested in dating you.

You did the right thing blocking and deleting him.

You moved on from him once, you can do it again.

[d0nnivain]

It's too late now, isn't it.  What's done is done. 

In your shoes you would have been better off taking charge.  Once he got back in touch & suggested dinner, by the time you hadn't heard from him with a firm date within a week, that was your cue to make it happen.  At that point you should have said, "Hey we talked about dinner when we spoke on [date you talked].  Does next Wednesday work for you at [place] where we used to go?" 

At that point if you weren't getting enthusiastic responses, you would have been well served saying to him "the connection seems to be lost, which is a shame. I liked you but the feeling doesn't seem mutual anymore so let's just end this."    Then you could have deleted him knowing you tried.  Your way you are stuck always wondering.  

Now because you were passive aggressive you will never know.  Instead of taking action you merely stewed because he wasn't reading your mind & fulfilling desires he didn't know you had because you failed to communicate them.  Stop letting others drive the bus of your life.  Take control, which is more than blocking or deleting somebody out of your phone.  

[Alpacalia]

Indeed, blocking him and swiftly erasing his number might have been a rash decision. However, it's understandable why you took that course of action. Your frustration was mounting due to the lack of the communication quality you desired, and you were hurt, prioritizing self-protection. 

Arranging a date didn't seem to be a significant concern for him.

[smackie9]

Actions speak louder than words...He didn't bother to contact you for a month. That says, in my books, that there isn't any interest and it's possible he had someone else waiting in the wings besides you. I say you dodged a bullet. 

Edited September 14, 2023 by smackie9

[stillafool]

I believe in making my own decisions so if anything goes wrong I can only blame the one in the mirror.  You probably resent your friend right now for making you block him.

It really just seemed like he wanted to see you that on time to catch up as friends since he was back. 

Did you guys have sex too or just dinner?  I ask because it seemed rather platonic.

Edited September 14, 2023 by stillafool

[KateS92]

We had slept together on multiple occasions so I’d say it was definitely more than platonic. I’m thinking maybe he just wanted to meet again for sex and maybe it came across I wanted more so that’s why he went distant…

[mark clemson]

^^ that's always possible, but remember that sex and emotion tend to go hand-in-hand. While there is an interest in "just sex" for some men, many if not most are going to have or develop an emotional connection to at least some extent. That's why, for example, people who practice polyamory have "rules" to help prevent a (putatively only) sex partner from becoming an emotional entanglement and thus a potential threat to the main relationship.

Bottom line is I doubt it was "for sex only" (although I could possibly wrong). TBH, that thought sounds perhaps more like "sour grapes" on your part.

That said, as people are noting above what's done is done. Probably best to gird yourself and move on at this point. Next time play things a bit straighter and take the initiative to communicate a bit more about your wants/needs etc, as suggested by posters above...

Edited September 14, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

I think you had some reservations, naturally, given the circumstances. He put the pause on things. If he was interested in continuing the relationship he might have chosen a different path.

I don't know. Were you supposed to be waiting for this person to be available again but not seeing anything come to fruition? It's hard not to do, but you can't assume the meaning behind his silence or inaction not responding for 72 hours. The thing I dislike is that he mentioned wanting to get to dinner with you but then nothing for an entire month.

Yes, you could have mentioned there was a place that you would have liked to try with him or taken the initiative but his lack of follow up is strange.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, KateS92 said:

We had slept together on multiple occasions so I’d say it was definitely more than platonic. I’m thinking maybe he just wanted to meet again for sex and maybe it came across I wanted more so that’s why he went distant…

Could be.  

Going forward with him or the next person communicate more clearly.  Blunt but tactful is always good.  

[mark clemson]

I'll also note that these remote/LD things can sometimes be tenuous if one or both partners are reasonably attractive. The possibility that he found a partner closer to hand and "put you on hold" so to speak is certainly there as well.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, KateS92 said:

We had slept together on multiple. I’m thinking maybe he just wanted to meet again for sex 

In this case cutting your losses sooner rather than later is the right decision. If someone you had sexual relations with only contacts you intermittently, it's definitely more along the lines of casual sex than any interest in a relationship.

[MsJayne]

I think he met someone while he was abroad. If he wants to see you again, he'll find a way, and if he doesn't you'll have to accept that you were more invested than he was. I would leave it to him to initiate any contact. One of the down-sides of online dating is that people don't seem to think the common rules of courtesy apply when ending a liaison, which leaves people dangling. It's a horrible way to treat people, but on the upside it shows you who they really are. 

[ExpatInItaly]

If he'd been back a month and you hadn't heard from him, there was nothing to "end", really. 

He wasn't that interested anymore. So, while I wouldn't have advised getting overly-emotional about it, I don't think blocking really made much difference to the final outcome. There was probably nothing to hear out if he wasn't already motivated to reach out to you and set something up. 

It's best that you keep this guy in your rear-view mirror. 

[Gaeta]

I agree he was not that interested and he probably don't care for what happenned.

Don't get mad at these men. If someone wants to walk out of your life let them.

If a man l had dated a  few months told me he wanted to cut contact the time he was abroad he would have been out of my life then.

Do not crawl back to him.

[Lotsgoingon]

He's not interested in you. He probably met someone else or just decided in the time away that you and he weren't a good fit.

Look, you can NOT ignore 72-hour gaps in communication if that is totally new. That's like someone showing up 3 hours late for a date and not apologizing or calling later to explain. 

So the gap in communications was the signal that he had lost interest. Think about it: if you are really interested in someone, would you let 72 hours pass before replying to them?  No way!!!!!!!!!! Now he could have done the hard and honorable thing and told you he had lost interest in romance. I can't tell from your initial post whether you guys really had become romantic. Men and women can be extremely close with one person crushing on the other without the other having the same romantic feelings. Happens all the time. 

And let's say you guys did make out or have sex, did you have an exclusive relationship? Did you guys agree to that before he left?! If not, you were on shakier ground than you thought. 

My heart goes out to you. It's really hard, ridiculously hard and painful and confusing when someone loses interest in us and when that someone is a person we feel so deeply and happily connected to.  Really hard for the brain to accept what's going on. On a literal level. Painful. Disorienting. Up is down and down is up. So it's understandable that you ignored the signs that he wasn't interested or had lost interest.

I remember a woman I dated who kept saying she didn't like any label for our relationship ... Total red flag for me because I don't want to date someone who can't agree with me on a label. But I missed this glaring sign at the time. She didn't want a label because she really didn't want to date me, and she soon after dumped me. She and I had super busy schedules but we had this time on a Tuesday when we both had gaps in our schedule and we'd talk on the phone in the middle of the day. It was a ritual we had, so cool. And then one day the time comes for the call and she didn't call. I waited a while totally not worried about anything. I then called her, thinking of course, thinking maybe her phone wasn't working. Maybe she forgot? So ridiculous to think she forgot this ritual that had gone on for weeks and which we frequently talked about. And then, no return call from her. None ... She doesn't call me until near midnight. 

Yep, I was being dumped and I didn't see it coming at all. 

So no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. It happens. People change their minds and it is so painful when we're feeling like we're having an amazing time and that dream gets disrupted by silence or avoidance from the other person. 

But you'll get past this. Hurts like hell right now, but you will recover. 

Edited September 15, 2023 by Lotsgoingon