Feeling Used

[Lovetorn5]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

That's why you need help. If you could have ended things on your own, you likely would have by now. 

Yes agreed 

[Lovetorn5]

He ended up writing me back last night (after almost three weeks of ghosting) I have chosen to not reply from now on. Eventually I plan to delete my email and let him know that I want to stop. In the meantime I will seek out counseling and focus my energy on my family and myself. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I know people who were in your situation--in a good marriage and yet somehow in an extended affair.

The ones who went for help really did feel a lot happier after getting help and stopping the affair.  The folks that didn't get help more just kept going with the starting and stopping. 

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

He ended up writing me back last night (after almost three weeks of ghosting) I have chosen to not reply from now on. Eventually I plan to delete my email and let him know that I want to stop. In the meantime I will seek out counseling and focus my energy on my family and myself. 

Good for you, that shows strength.

You got this.

[Luna66star]

The popping in and out of your life could be done intentionally.  If he's done research online about intermittent reinforcement, then he wants you to keep hanging on.  It could be also that he's just put you out of his mind completely while living his own life.

Sorry, either way means he doesn’t care.  You are a toy.

 

 

 

[Lovetorn5]

8 hours ago, Luna66star said:

The popping in and out of your life could be done intentionally.  If he's done research online about intermittent reinforcement, then he wants you to keep hanging on.  It could be also that he's just put you out of his mind completely while living his own life.

Sorry, either way means he doesn’t care.  You are a toy.

 

 

 

I think he does do it intentionally to keep me around for when he wants me. He’ll respond to me sometimes and say he still wants to meet up and this and that. And then I hear nothing for a while. So I think it’s just to keep me there for sure. Think he only cares about himself. I’m realizing more and more of who he is and trying to only think of the bad about him. It’s been working last couple of days 

[ExpatInItaly]

You also might not be the only OW in his life. 

There could well be yet another that he prioritizes and takes up more of his time when he goes silent on you. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I think he does do it intentionally to keep me around for when he wants me. 

Unfortunately this seems like projection. Sadly you're not that important. He's not reliable because he has an entire life, wife and family.  It would be nice to believe that he's devising these tactics to keep you around, but the truth is his contact is random because you're just in the periphery.

Do you really think his wife and family aren't around? And he actually plots out these communication gaps to bond with you?

While intermittent reinforcement is a theory, it doesn't apply here at all so please don't latch on to that when the truth is he's busy with his other life.

Sadly you seem to be grasping for anything but the the truth. He's married.

Edited September 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

He’ll respond to me sometimes and say he still wants to meet up and this and that. And then I hear nothing for a while. So I think it’s just to keep me there for sure.

On this site, that’s called “bread crumbing.” He gives you just enough bread crumbs to keep you happy… and thus, to keep you around.

But I too think he is just not as invested as you are. Life is busy, he has work and family responsibilities. Very typically, you place this affair in a position of importance that takes your time and mental energy… he, very well, may be living his life only to find that he has nothing scheduled on Tuesday and it’s been a while since he’s seen you… so, he sends an email to see if you are interested in meeting up. I don’t know that I would necessarily ascribe more meaning to it than that, based on what you have described. 

Edited September 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lovetorn5]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You also might not be the only OW in his life. 

There could well be yet another that he prioritizes and takes up more of his time when he goes silent on you. 

Yeah, possibly so. Nothing I can do about that 

[Lovetorn5]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you really think his wife and family aren't around? And he actually plots out these communication gaps to bond with you?

I know his wife and family are around. I also know how easily he manipulates his wife so I’d imagine he can and is possibly doing the same to me. I don’t think he is trying to bond with me more so keep me around to have his needs met.

[Lovetorn5]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

On this site, that’s called “bread crumbing.” He gives you just enough bread crumbs to keep you happy… and thus, to keep you around.

But I too think he is just not as invested as you are. Life is busy, he has work and family responsibilities. Very typically, you place this affair in a position of importance that takes your time and mental energy… he, very well, may be living his life only to find that he has nothing scheduled on Tuesday and it’s been a while since he’s seen you… so, he sends an email to see if you are interested in meeting up. I don’t know that I would necessarily ascribe more meaning to it than that, based on what you have described. 

I think you are absolutely correct. I appreciate your replies. I need to hear these reality checks. I’ve been in a daze all these years over him and it helps to hear the truth. Thank you 

[Lovetorn5]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sadly you seem to be grasping for anything but the the truth. He's married.

It helps to read things like this. Helps me realize how flawed my thinking has been Thank you