OLD- he confessed he's actually overweight

[babybrowns]

Hello all

I started speaking to someone online a couple of weeks ago and we are due to have our first date in a few days.

The conversation has been flowing well, but what was a bit of a question mark for me was the fact that on this man’s profile, there are no pictures of him from the neck down.

I felt rude to directly ask him about this so I recently asked him if he’s into sport/fitness. At this point he said that he is “carrying a lot of holiday weight from last year which he needs to lose”, and that “if that’s not for me it’s cool”. He also said that he’s recently started going to the gym again.

In truth, I am someone who is active and has health and fitness as a priority, so if he is obese, I won’t be able to proceed with that, mainly for different lifestyles/outlooks on health- for now atleast if he has genuinely started going to the gym again.

I’m just wondering whether it would sound ok for me to say to him that it’s best we take a step back for now until his health and fitness is more at a stage where things are different on that front? I don’t want to lose the friendship but at the same time I am not able to date with this incompatibility.

Many thanks

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I’m just wondering whether it would sound ok for me to say to him that it’s best we take a step back for now until his health and fitness is more at a stage where things are different on that front? I don’t want to lose the friendship but at the same time I am not able to date with this incompatibility.

Of course it's OK to tell him that you've changed your mind...after all, he wasn't transparent.   

But don't stick him in your friendzone.  That would just add insult to injury

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 it’s best we take a step back for now.I don’t want to lose the friendship but at the same time I am not able to date with this incompatibility.

Please don't lead people on for "friendship". He's not on dating apps to make friends or textbuddies. You're not dating so there's no step to take back since you never took the first step of meeting.

If someone is not your type they don't need lengthy explanations, simply say we're not a match and move forward. Please don't comment on his health and fitness. Why add insult to injury? Just move forward. 

Try not to get overinvested and overinvolved through excessive pre-meeting texting . Had you exchanged a few messages and met briefly for a low key coffee this dilemma and misunderstanding could be avoided. 

[basil67]

Further on wanting him as a friend, how do you think he’d feel to watch you date others?  It’s would be really s*** and hurtful

[Alpacalia]

57 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I’m just wondering whether it would sound ok for me to say to him that it’s best we take a step back for now until his health and fitness is more at a stage where things are different on that front?

That's hurtful to say to anyone let alone someone you barely know.

Just say you're not feeling it.

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’m just wondering whether it would sound ok for me to say to him that it’s best we take a step back for now until his health and fitness is more at a stage where things are different on that front? I don’t want to lose the friendship but at the same time I am not able to date with this incompatibility.

No, it doesn't sound OK. 

It sounds rather judging.

You're basically saying that if he gets fit and slim you will be interested and if he doesn't you wont be.

[Weezy1973]

Just a simple “I’ve enjoyed our conversation but we’re not a match, good luck in your search.” 
 

Nothing about staying friends. In fact after sending the message you’re probably better off blocking and deleting. You don’t want to give him false hope by staying in contact.

[stillafool]

Just leave the poor guy alone.

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I don’t want to lose the friendship

You don’t have a friendship with this man. You have been messaging him for a few weeks - let’s deal in reality here and not make this more than it is… and I agree with basil, unlikely that he’s going to want to be your friend after you tell him that you’ve decided not to meet him on your planned date.

Edited September 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I don’t want to lose the friendship but at the same time I am not able to date with this incompatibility.

You don't have a "friendship" with this guy, there is nothing to lose.  You just started talking to him online a couple of weeks ago.  This guy is not your friend, you barely know him.

Of course you need to cancel the date and not meet up with him.  Just let him know that you aren't ready to date right now and you wish him well.  Then leave the guy alone and don't string him along.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I don’t want to lose the friendship

What friendship?

This is a stranger on a dating app. You're not friends. 

[Lotsgoingon]

A few things.

One, his absence of a body photo should have made it obvious to you that he was heavy. Why didn't that immediately compute? That's online dating insight #1. You have to have a body photo and if people don't there is a reason. So, time to up your game here. 

Two, he did mislead you by not having the photo. He misled you by omission, by leaving out key information. Now, he did come clean when you asked the question.

So yes, you can call off this date and still be a wonderful and kind person. Dating is not social work. And you don't want to waste his time or yours.

Say something more along the lines of look, the truth is fitness is a high priority for me. It's a fundamental part of my life, and I don't think we're going to work as a romantic connection. I want to cancel our meeting."

Stay focused on YOU. Don't talk about waiting for him to lose weight. That's not your business. Your business is just to be clear (and kind) about stating your priorities. And you don't want to think of friendship. No, you're looking to date someone and so is he. Don't hold out any friendship option. Now to step back, keep in mind that he will be fine. You're not crushing his world. There are other people out there who don't have fitness as a priority. You might want to make sure you're emphasizing fitness in your profile--that way, he might have avoided contacting you in the first place.

But you might need to do some reading or listening to some podcasts about online dating. The lack of a body photo is seriously obvious in its meaning. You want to get more wise and confident about making judgments. 

 

 

[babybrowns]

37 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

A few things.

One, his absence of a body photo should have made it obvious to you that he was heavy. Why didn't that immediately compute? That's online dating insight #1. You have to have a body photo and if people don't there is a reason. So, time to up your game here. 

Two, he did mislead you by not having the photo. He misled you by omission, by leaving out key information. Now, he did come clean when you asked the question.

So yes, you can call off this date and still be a wonderful and kind person. Dating is not social work. And you don't want to waste his time or yours.

Say something more along the lines of look, the truth is fitness is a high priority for me. It's a fundamental part of my life, and I don't think we're going to work as a romantic connection. I want to cancel our meeting."

Stay focused on YOU. Don't talk about waiting for him to lose weight. That's not your business. Your business is just to be clear (and kind) about stating your priorities. And you don't want to think of friendship. No, you're looking to date someone and so is he. Don't hold out any friendship option. Now to step back, keep in mind that he will be fine. You're not crushing his world. There are other people out there who don't have fitness as a priority. You might want to make sure you're emphasizing fitness in your profile--that way, he might have avoided contacting you in the first place.

But you might need to do some reading or listening to some podcasts about online dating. The lack of a body photo is seriously obvious in its meaning. You want to get more wise and confident about making judgments. 

 

 

Thank you so much for this; it’s very helpful. Yes I’ve never actually come across a situation like this; it has widened my experience and learnings from online dating. It really is a shame since everything else with this person felt great. I’ve sent a message to him similar to the one you suggested, I agree with everyone that it’s best to not have him as a friend at all as to not lead him on. A little sad but it’s the right thing.

[S2B]

Just tell him you aren’t a good match. No need to require him to change for you. 
 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

A little sad but it’s the right thing.

I was hesitant to delivery the bad news of my disinterest for such a long time. But one thing that helped is knowing that the string of someone saying they're not interested at the start--before a date really--is 5 seconds. It's a little sting. The more someone spends time with us and invests in us, the more it hurts for them to be told we're not interested. 

But saying no to people at the start can save them tons of time and hope and wasted energy. So they get to quickly focus attention elsewhere!

And you are also going to run into disinterest in you, so the faster you get the message, the faster you can move on. 

 

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I felt rude to directly ask him about this so I recently asked him if he’s into sport/fitness. At this point he said that he is “carrying a lot of holiday weight from last year which he needs to lose”, and that “if that’s not for me it’s cool”. He also said that he’s recently started going to the gym again.

In truth, I am someone who is active and has health and fitness as a priority, so if he is obese, I won’t be able to proceed with that, mainly for different lifestyles/outlooks on health- for now atleast if he has genuinely started going to the gym again.

 

I agree that you need to say no thanks & unmatch with him.  Better you should do it now then get his hopes up.   Don't go into why because that is just insulting.  If he's already too insecure about the way he looks, which is evident because he didn't post a picture, you don't need to rub salt in that wound.  

That said, I have to wonder what "a lot of holiday weight" means.  If he's 20 pounds over weight / doesn't have 6 pack is that problem or could you deal as long as he's not morbidly obese?   Weight can be subjective.  

As others have advised you would do well to avoid engaging with people who don't have some full body pictures on their profiles.  

 

[smackie9]

I think in future, bring up that you are fit, and into a healthy lifestyle right off the bat because that is very important to you. 

[Gaeta]

Did he send you a picture? How did you judge he was too big? I gain holiday weight too and it's 6-7 lbs, l feel fat and l can obsess over it but no one else would notice the difference.

I must ask, why a partner need to be a fitness guru? Could a man just have healthy eating habits, be active or that's not enough?

You're having a real hard time finding a good man and you dismiss this one on holiday weight without even knowing what he meant. 

You want someone active l get that, didn't he say he goes to the gym? What made you think this man cannot bike? Or roller blade? Or hike? 

I'm really interested in your thought process here.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 I am someone who is active and has health and fitness as a priority, 

How accurate are your profile and pics? For example do you state that you're into health and fitness or what sports your enjoy? 

[Alvi]

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I started speaking to someone online a couple of weeks ago and we are due to have our first date in a few days.

This is exactly why you should be meeting as soon as possible in person instead of getting invested in a person while chatting on-line.

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’m just wondering whether it would sound ok for me to say to him that it’s best we take a step back for now until his health and fitness is more at a stage where things are different on that front?

And how long is that going to be? It could be years. Anyway, just say that you don't think that the two of you are a good match, wish him well in his search and move on.

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I don’t want to lose the friendship but at the same time I am not able to date with this incompatibility.

To be fair,  the two of you are not friends so there is nothing to lose. People don't go on dating sites looking for just friends. The two of you are no friends by any means. Don't confuse a chat buddy with a real true friendship. And be honest with yourself, when either you or him start dating someone, this questionable :"friendship" is probably is the first one that is going to be on a chopping block out of respect of a partner. Also, it would not be fair for you to give him a false sense of hope.

But on another hand, why don't you meet him and see if there is a connection? And if there is, you could motivate him a bit to be more active. 

[babybrowns]

Hello all

In response to a couple of people who seem to have the impression that I am seeking some kind of fitness fanatic. I am completely fine with dating people who are not all that much into fitness. But this was not one of those cases.

I asked this guy at the time whether it was just a few extra pounds that he was carrying when he told me about carrying the ‘holiday weight’. His response was “I’ve always been a large guy and I have to lose weight. If that’s not for you it’s cool”. 

It was very clear from everything that this person is atleast significantly overweight. Some people might be fine with that, I’m not, it does not suit my lifestyle and I doubt it would suit many people’s for whom keeping healthy is important.

Thanks everyone for your help 💐