Why am I attracted to the idea of being a mistress?

[JTSW]

26 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

I lack senses because I'm supposed to assume there is a wedding ring in absence of a physical one?

Even if he is available, you have no idea if he is even or will ever be interested in you.

You seem to assume that if he is available that you're in, but you're not.

I also agree that your therapist is giving you bad advice.

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

She meant in context of getting it out of my system and an answer. It's not what I want to do, nor was it the only thing she suggested

It's still not a wise idea, and not something a good therapist would suggest you do. 

[1990girl]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's still not a wise idea, and not something a good therapist would suggest you do. 

Fair! Appreciate your advice

[ExpatInItaly]

Has this man expressed any sort of interest in you, OP?

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

I lack senses because I'm supposed to assume there is a wedding ring in absence of a physical one?

No, it’s  because you are conveniently ignoring that outside of marriage there are all kinds of relationships where people are monogamous and sleeping with others is considered to be cheating.  Like ‘engaged’ and ‘committed’ and ‘in a relationship’ and ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ and ‘defacto’ and ‘partners’. 
 

I feel that you are being deliberately obtuse 

Edited September 11, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

22 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

Fair! Appreciate your advice

But you're not going to take it right?

It seems you already had your mind made up before anyone commented here.

[MsJayne]

 Maybe focus on this, because the ramifications could be beyond humiliating. Human beings have an incredible capacity for misreading the attention and intentions of their object of desire. 

1 hour ago, 1990girl said:

- opening up floodgates of rejection and embarrassment. 

[Weezy1973]

I think the therapist is actually onto something about telling him. Chances are it isn’t going to go like your fantasies at all. You haven’t indicated he’s interested in you at all, so chances are he’s not remotely attracted to you. And as you’ve said, the men that are attracted to you, you’re not interested in. 
 

And let’s pretend he is perfectly single now, and when you express your interest in him, he reciprocates. From what you’ve said, that’s the perfect recipe for you losing interest on him. 
 

Basically the only “winning” scenario for you is if he’s married and only interested in you as a side piece because you’re not worthy of being in a real relationship with him. Which ultimately isn’t a win at all, although it might feel that way in the short term. It confirms your bias that you’re unworthy of being loved, which is at the core of your avoidant attachment style, but at the same time allows you the fantasy that he’s willing to risk his marriage because he’s just so attracted to you. Just keep in mind, men are usually more than happy to have meaningless sex with women they’re not particularly attracted to. 
 

 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

It may seem somehow glamorous, your boyfriend only ever sees you at your best, he spends money on you, and you feel highly desirable, as you say, you feel like you're the greener grass. In actual fact what is going on is that you're feeding your low self-esteem, reinforcing the message that you're not good enough for a healthy normal relationship.

This needs to be restated for truth. I didn’t want it to get lost in the discussion.

Its ironic that you think being the “other woman” would make you feel desired and wanted - but ultimately, what you want to feel is “chosen” and “worthy.”

In truth, nothing destroys your self esteem more than watching the man you love leave to return home to his wife every night. She is the chosen one - he chooses to return home to her every day. You are not worthy of being chosen. The sad reality that will be revealed to you is that you are worthy of whatever time he can spare for you.  The basic truth is, his first priority will always be his children and his marriage. That fact will eat away at your soul in a way that you could not begin to understand now…

But, I feel like this is one lesson that you are going to have to learn the hard way. You seem quite set on pursuing this man that you do not even know if he is married or interested - 

 

Edited September 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, 1990girl said:

As a new woman on the horizon, you feel more desired or wanted.

Yeah at first but then as time goes on you feel put on hold, forgotten and 2nd rate one the newness wears off.

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, 1990girl said:

The idea of being a mistress suits me in that I'm constantly feeling attractive

This isn't the case though.

You may feel desired at first but it won't last long.

You will never be a priority, never put first, will be dumped in a moments notice and constantly lied to.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, 1990girl said:

 It's just hard to have feelings for someone when they're out of reach, even though my therapist encouraged me to tell him.

It's fine to have a crush and fantasies about the what ifs, however blurting this out to a coworker who barely acknowledges you exist, is unprofessional at best.  This actually has nothing to do with being a mistress or whether he's married. This is just an unrequited crush. 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, 1990girl said:

I think for me that's what it is - the feeling of worthiness that other relationships haven't given me, instead they've magnified to me just how inferior I have felt. As a new woman on the horizon, you feel more desired or wanted.

While I would feel an element of shame, I can admit that I don't think I am strong enough to fight temptation if anything was to happen. I think the mere fact I don't see a ring, despite knowing at one point he was married, is what is putting my brain in overdrive as it's like dangling a steak in front of a lion. 

Also thank you for speaking from a place of understanding and no judgement, I appreciate that.

 

So, why don't you think it's worth giving therapy a shot and picking up some better ways to handle your attachment style instead of just yielding to impulsive actions? Someone dealing with envy, competitive urges, and shaky self-esteem, taking someone else's partner might seem like a big win. 

But you know what they say, birds of a feather flock together; sometimes people with questionable character just seem to find each other.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, 1990girl said:

Is it mainly to do with my attachment style?

 

I think that's plausible, BUT you need to heavily qualify it as a "reason". Sure, the AP is kept "at a safe distance" due to them having a partner and much if not most of their life being apart from you. So that might appeal to an avoidant style. However, you can bet there are avoidant folks who wouldn't want an affair out there as well.

While I guess I could be called a fan of attachment theory, they describe someone's tendencies/emotional dynamics at a certain level of granularity. When you get down to an individual and their specific choices, there are many factors at play that result in "specifically them".  So, avoidant attachment is likely part of it, but certainly not "the whole story".

I think some (if not many) people don't necessarily feel that their romantic/sexual/reproductive tendencies or interests "need to be fixed" - even if they are potentially "destructive" and/or unethical. You seem to be in a sort of "society feels affairs are bad" - and so what I like must be bad, and are looking to a therapist to "fix it" mode? For better or worse, while frowned upon affair are in fact extremely common - being at least interested in one (if not actually carrying it out) is a bit like having brown eyes, and indeed one can see good reasons why this sort of interest might actually be genetically hard-wired into our brains.

That is not to say you should have one - after all, "counter attacking" a person who cuts us off in traffic seems to ALSO be hard-wired into our brains, but actually doing it just turns a very transient "problem" into a much more significant one. I guess what I'm saying is maybe you can take the tack of asking your therapist to help you to ALSO BE interested in "more available men" rather than trying to "fix" the also-interested-in-at-least-superficially-unavailable-ones, as I'm not sure that's 2nd one is actually fixable.

I think a lot of the OW who post on this board are actually quite happy in their affairs for a while, but then find them ultimately distressing/unsatisfying. But that's just the subset who ends up posting on boards like this one, it's not really a good predictor for how happy/unhappy OW's out there may generally be with their situations. It's also probably fair and accurate to say there are plenty of women in marriages/non-affair relationships who were quite happy in them for a while as well...

Edited September 11, 2023 by mark clemson

[S2B]

Please discuss this at length with your therapist before taking action.

also… please read threads in the OM/OW forum as well as the infidelity area here.

We are all responsible for how we participate - participating with the intent to cause harm - no matter the cost (and who gets harmed) is concerning - you may lack empathy and a conscience - which would also be a concern and something to work on. 

[1990girl]

12 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think the therapist is actually onto something about telling him. Chances are it isn’t going to go like your fantasies at all. You haven’t indicated he’s interested in you at all, so chances are he’s not remotely attracted to you. And as you’ve said, the men that are attracted to you, you’re not interested in. 
 

And let’s pretend he is perfectly single now, and when you express your interest in him, he reciprocates. From what you’ve said, that’s the perfect recipe for you losing interest on him. 
 

Basically the only “winning” scenario for you is if he’s married and only interested in you as a side piece because you’re not worthy of being in a real relationship with him. Which ultimately isn’t a win at all, although it might feel that way in the short term. It confirms your bias that you’re unworthy of being loved, which is at the core of your avoidant attachment style, but at the same time allows you the fantasy that he’s willing to risk his marriage because he’s just so attracted to you. Just keep in mind, men are usually more than happy to have meaningless sex with women they’re not particularly attracted to. 
 

This ^ basically.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you haven't answered a very basic question - has this man shown any signs of interest in you?

I actually don't think this has much to do with wanting to be a mistress, in and of itself. I think you just happen to have a big crush on a married man, and don't care that he's married. It is less about striving to be the OW and more about wanting this particular guy to like you back. 

The end result would be the same, to be perfectly clear. It would feel good for a bit and then it would suck. But I don't believe you have some underlying desire to be a mistress. You just don't know how to make sense of your attraction to a man who is already taken. 

[1990girl]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, you haven't answered a very basic question - has this man shown any signs of interest in you?

I actually don't think this has much to do with wanting to be a mistress, in and of itself. I think you just happen to have a big crush on a married man, and don't care that he's married. It is less about striving to be the OW and more about wanting this particular guy to like you back. 

The end result would be the same, to be perfectly clear. It would feel good for a bit and then it would suck. But I don't believe you have some underlying desire to be a mistress. You just don't know how to make sense of your attraction to a man who is already taken. 

No, nor have I shown any in him. It's totally one sided on my end at this point. What I'm clinging onto is the lack of wedding ring, as a form of hope even though it is not exactly a foundation for success. You're right in that I can't make sense of it, aside from my history of gravitating to unavailable people, instead of those who are open.

[1990girl]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

Please discuss this at length with your therapist before taking action.

also… please read threads in the OM/OW forum as well as the infidelity area here.

We are all responsible for how we participate - participating with the intent to cause harm - no matter the cost (and who gets harmed) is concerning - you may lack empathy and a conscience - which would also be a concern and something to work on. 

At one point I did lack empathy where I could have cared less about who was in the way of what I want. I'll explore further with my therapist - I am very much that way career wise and I wonder if it's extended to personal life.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, 1990girl said:

At one point I did lack empathy where I could have cared less about who was in the way of what I want. I'll explore further with my therapist - I am very much that way career wise and I wonder if it's extended to personal life.

A couple years ago there was a man that showed interest in me, and the minute a woman noticed that she made a b line right after him in a rather sexual and overt way. It was pathetic. I was embarrassed for both of them.

The fact that you are looking to identify this as an issue and are getting help to process it is a productive action. It's important to recognize this trait and try to better understand its origins, so that you can understand yourself better and make more conscious, healthy decisions. Think of this as an opportunity for growth, and take it as a sign that you're ready to learn, grow, and make positive changes in your life.

[BaileyB]

In other words, the title of this discussion is all wrong… you are attracted to a man, you do not even know if he is married, single, or otherwise committed. You have had limited interaction and you have no idea if he is even interested in a romantic relationship with you or not.

This has less to do with being attracted to being a “mistress” than it has to do with the fact that you have developed a crush on a man that you are considering pursuing. unless and until you know that he is a) interested and b) his marital status, this discussion is fairly moot.

This seems to me to be a fantasy that you are creating in your own mind… no you really have to ask yourself why you are doing this. 

 

[HappyAgain2014]

Many OW start affairs falsely believing they will have control and choices. Seldom ends that way.

Also, it’s not a compliment to feel desired by a cheater. The pool of women willing to be a OW is small so these men can’t be too picky.  Finally, you mentioned the “challenge” of snagging a potential MM.  There’s actually no challenge. Men either want to cheat or they don’t. Who they cheat with is largely irrelevant so don’t expect to be flattered by this experience. More likely you’ll feel used and worse, you decided to set yourself up to feel this way. 

[S2B]

Men who cheat will generally go for someone who is willing to be second best and expect nothing. As soon as she wants something more he many times ends it.

many MM vet  the OW based on the fact that they won’t want anything from the MM - except sex when he says so.

is that what you want? A man who will use you and toss you aside?

Edited September 14, 2023 by S2B

[1990girl]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

Men who cheat will generally go for someone who is willing to be second best and expect nothing. As soon as she wants something more he many times ends it.

many MM vet  the OW based on the fact that they won’t want anything from the MM - except sex when he says so.

is that what you want? A man who will use you and toss you aside?

I don't necessarily care as I'm not after a relationship, ie with him or anyone. Short term flings suit me - not saying a fling with a married man is morally right, but I won't be hard done by if I was tossed aside. I would make a concerted effort to end it before anyone did. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

 Short term flings suit me -.

Your unrequited crush on this coworker who hasn't even noticed you is not a reason to get upset.

You can have casual situationships without the headaches and heartaches of trying to date married men or coworkers. Focus on whatever your needs are rather than this particular man.

All sorts of casual situationships are easy to find. So if you look in the right places you can fulfill your needs.