Dating a Catholic women

[Hodin]

Hi, 

I went out on a date with a catholic women (she is 34), It went well, both of us enjoyed each other company. We conversed via WhatsApp after the date but in the end, I told her I have been separated for 4 years but I just filed for my divorce 2 months ago.

Unfortunately, She didn't want to continue due to her beliefs so we remain friends.

Before meeting up again 2 weeks later, we would message each other pretty much everyday when she was cat sitting.

anyway, She was a lot less nervous this time round as she didn't have the pressure to impress so yea, it was a friend to friend meet up. It was a fantastic evening and my dopamine levels was high, Next day I was at work and I felt really down and could feel my heart tightening up. Probably because I was back to reality.

She is the sweetest girl I have ever met and has a very calm soothing tone in her voice and I feel I can be myself around her.

I want to remain friends as I don't want to lose her but on the other hand, I don't want to fall for her too deeply so I'm kind of in a dilemma

Someone mentioned that she could be still interested and wanting to remain friends until my divorce is finalised. Does this happen? 

Since after meeting up with her the second time. I noticed that she text a lot less and doesn't really ask a lot of question. Is she replying to me just to be nice?

If I don't text, she doesn't text back.

To be fair though, she mentioned that she's a workaholic and always in office trying to finish her projects on time and staying very long hours working so I'm hoping this is her reason.

What are the rules about Catholic Women dating separated/divorced men?

[Gaeta]

Catholics (l am, but don't follow the rules anymore) are not allowed to divorce. She can only marry a man that was never married. For the Catholic Church if you are divorced you are living in sin.

If she is a devoted Catholic she cannot be with you. 

[Hodin]

18 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Catholics (l am, but don't follow the rules anymore) are not allowed to divorce. She can only marry a man that was never married. For the Catholic Church if you are divorced you are living in sin.

If she is a devoted Catholic she cannot be with you. 

Does being devoted requires her to go to church every Sunday? She doesn't do that, only when she is free.

Would it be a good idea if I ask her if she's devoted?

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Hodin said:

Would it be a good idea if I ask her if she's devoted?

It would be a good idea to ask her if you being divorced is an obsticle. 

*These questions should be addressed right away.*

I am catholic and my boyfriend is muslim. He is more religious than l am so right away l asked if me not being muslim was an obsticle for a future together, how would his family see me, did he expect me to do or not do certain things. I asked him ALL those questions on our first date.

If there was an obsticle there was no purpose of us dating, so ask questions right away.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Hodin said:

Would it be a good idea if I ask her if she's devoted?

By "devoted" l meant does she follow the Catholic religion very seriously. 

[basil67]

@Hodin she said she doesn't want to continue, so asking her how devout she is only shows that you're not hearing her.

And besides, it sounds like she's already drifting away..

Edited September 10, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hodin said:

Unfortunately, She didn't want to continue due to her beliefs so we remain friends.

Sorry this is happening. It's good you finally filed. 

No matter what someone's faith is, many people won't date technically married people or those in the throes of divorce or on the rebound. "Get in touch when your divorce is final" is not an uncommon remark.

So it's not her religion holding things up, per se. It seems she's being cautious and prudent in general. In other words, wondering about her religion or devotion isn't going to change things.

However dating a technically married person is probably not acceptable faith-wise, so although you hit it off, unfortunately this seems  like the friendzone.

[Hodin]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Hodin she said she doesn't want to continue, so asking her how devout she is only shows that you're not hearing her.

And besides, it sounds like she's already drifting away..

I told her I was separated in the first message then that's what she replied to.  Told her I was waiting for my divorce to come through and she said she rather not, as will complicate things so I think you're right about this.

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

By "devoted" l meant does she follow the Catholic religion very seriously. 

I think she does but doesn't go to church every week as she's busy with work.

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It would be a good idea to ask her if you being divorced is an obsticle. 

*These questions should be addressed right away.*

I am catholic and my boyfriend is muslim. He is more religious than l am so right away l asked if me not being muslim was an obsticle for a future together, how would his family see me, did he expect me to do or not do certain things. I asked him ALL those questions on our first date.

If there was an obsticle there was no purpose of us dating, so ask questions right away.

First time we met up was a date, the second time was just hanging out as friends but it sure does feel like a date though. That's when she told me about why she didn't want to continue with the date because of her belief.

I didn't ask much about her religion as I was quite surprised about it and couldn't speak out. All this time, I thought she didn't like to date separated men just in case there was an off-chance I would end up back with the ex and she didn't want to get involved and complicate things

 

 

[Hodin]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's good you finally filed. 

No matter what someone's faith is, many people won't date technically married people or those in the throes of divorce or on the rebound. "Get in touch when your divorce is final" is not an uncommon remark.

So it's not her religion holding things up, per se. It seems she's being cautious and prudent in general. In other words, wondering about her religion or devotion isn't going to change things.

However dating a technically married person is probably not acceptable faith-wise, so although you hit it off, unfortunately this seems  like the friendzone.

Thank you. I think you guys are right. Cant change her beliefs but I can be her friend.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Hodin said:

Thank you. I think you guys are right. Cant change her beliefs but I can be her friend.

She's not messaging you, so I don't think she wants a friendship with you.   Besides, I think she's smart enough to know that you're doing the friendship with hopes that it will turn into more.  This isn't what a true friendship is.

Best to stop messaging her

Edited September 11, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Hodin said:

We conversed via WhatsApp after the date but in the end, I told her I have been separated for 4 years but I just filed for my divorce 2 months ago.

I understand that you're looking for companionship after your divorce, but it's only fair to be upfront with your date about your situation.

It's not so much about her being a devout Catholic, but more about your divorce status. Any woman might have concerns about a man who isn't officially divorced yet. It's not unheard of for a spouse to re-spouse after filing. 

Sans excessive detail, at the very least provide her with a basic explanation of your status, allowing her to make an informed decision about the relationship. Depending on her level of comfort with individuals in the midst of a divorce, she may or may not feel at ease pursuing a relationship with someone in that situation.

Overall, it doesn't seem like she's open to being your emotional support during this transition. While she might have initially been open to friendship as a kind gesture, it appears that she's creating some distance between you two. Prioritizing an emotional relationship in the context of your divorce doesn't seem to be her main focus.

[Hodin]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I understand that you're looking for companionship after your divorce, but it's only fair to be upfront with your date about your situation.

It's not so much about her being a devout Catholic, but more about your divorce status. Any woman might have concerns about a man who isn't officially divorced yet. It's not unheard of for a spouse to re-spouse after filing. 

Sans excessive detail, at the very least provide her with a basic explanation of your status, allowing her to make an informed decision about the relationship. Depending on her level of comfort with individuals in the midst of a divorce, she may or may not feel at ease pursuing a relationship with someone in that situation.

Overall, it doesn't seem like she's open to being your emotional support during this transition. While she might have initially been open to friendship as a kind gesture, it appears that she's creating some distance between you two. Prioritizing an emotional relationship in the context of your divorce doesn't seem to be her main focus.

You're right. I think it's best if I don't message her. I feel sadden by facts 😔 but it is what it is.

Thank you for your detailed insight.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This is a dead-end, OP. 

She is already letting it fizzle so it's best you take the hint and keep moving. Staying friends doesn't make sense since you hardly know her and I doubt you'd want to watch her date other men. 

[Sony12]

I do wonder if she is just using her faith as an excuse and the real reason is the fact that you aren't legally single yet (something that would disuade many people regardless if they are very religious or not).

I would recommend waiting until your divorce is finalized before jumping too much into the dating scene as you will find many people uncomfortable with the fact that you aren't legally divorced.

Edited September 11, 2023 by Sony12

[Lotsgoingon]

One challenge here.

Her Catholicism is irrelevant. There are lots of Catholic women who would go out with you (not very smart in my view) even though you're not divorced. Highlighting her Catholicism is about as helpful as highlighting her height as the reason she doesn't want to go out with you.

Lots of agnostics, atheists, Protestants, Muslims, Animists, Witches, devil worshipers and the like would decide not to go out with you until you are officially divorced. And some would go out with you.

 

[S2B]

21 hours ago, Hodin said:

Hi, 

I went out on a date with a catholic women (she is 34), It went well, both of us enjoyed each other company. We conversed via WhatsApp after the date but in the end, I told her I have been separated for 4 years but I just filed for my divorce 2 months ago.

Unfortunately, She didn't want to continue due to her beliefs so we remain friends.

Before meeting up again 2 weeks later, we would message each other pretty much everyday when she was cat sitting.

anyway, She was a lot less nervous this time round as she didn't have the pressure to impress so yea, it was a friend to friend meet up. It was a fantastic evening and my dopamine levels was high, Next day I was at work and I felt really down and could feel my heart tightening up. Probably because I was back to reality.

She is the sweetest girl I have ever met and has a very calm soothing tone in her voice and I feel I can be myself around her.

I want to remain friends as I don't want to lose her but on the other hand, I don't want to fall for her too deeply so I'm kind of in a dilemma

Someone mentioned that she could be still interested and wanting to remain friends until my divorce is finalised. Does this happen? 

Since after meeting up with her the second time. I noticed that she text a lot less and doesn't really ask a lot of question. Is she replying to me just to be nice?

If I don't text, she doesn't text back.

To be fair though, she mentioned that she's a workaholic and always in office trying to finish her projects on time and staying very long hours working so I'm hoping this is her reason.

What are the rules about Catholic Women dating separated/divorced men?

I would suggest you get your divorce finalized. Then contact her. 
 

any guy waiting 4 years to even file after separating… isn’t a good look. She could be thinking you may take another 10 years to finalize that divorce - this being a time waster. I don’t blame her - Catholic or not.

iF she is heavily into her religion - you may not qualify for her to marry if she believes she should marry in the church and you aren’t Catholic yourself. 

Edited September 11, 2023 by S2B

[S2B]

Why have you waited 4 years to file? Who filed - you or your wife? 

were you hoping the marriage would work out? Kids from the marriage?

Edited September 11, 2023 by S2B

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, Hodin said:

I didn't ask much about her religion as I was quite surprised about it and couldn't speak out. All this time, I thought she didn't like to date separated men just in case there was an off-chance I would end up back with the ex and she didn't want to get involved and complicate things.

OP, a piece of advice: next time, don't make assumptions. Ask the person questions, listen to their answers and show an interest in what they believe etc. There's nothing wrong with showing a genuine interest in what somebody thinks about a subject that has come up in conversation.

You know, if you had discussed this subject with her in greater detail, you wouldn't have had to come online and ask folks who don't know her to guess what she meant.

If I were you, I'd make the effort to bring the subject up again, emphasizing that I respect her perspective on the issue, but just want to understand it better. Explain to her that you don't know much about Catholicism (which is the truth). That way, you will have a detailed answer from her and won't have to wonder what she meant. 

[d0nnivain]

It may not be religious at all.  It might be that she doesn't want to date somebody who is only separated.   the fact that you waited so long to file may be a red flag to her & she may wonder if you are simply seeking a rebound because here you are just 2 months after filing.  She doesn't know if you were holding a candle for 4 years, hoping for a reconciliation or if you were too broke to afford the filing fee.  Neither makes you a great prospect.  

 

Nobody knows how long it will be until your divorce goes through.  She may not want to deal with that drama.  I dated a guy who was separated but not divorced.  It was awful.  I hate to deal with all drama; I swore then that I would never again date somebody who wasn't totally free.  

 

Ask her but don't expect her to wait.   

Edited September 11, 2023 by d0nnivain

[Hodin]

On 9/11/2023 at 7:42 PM, S2B said:

Why have you waited 4 years to file? Who filed - you or your wife? 

were you hoping the marriage would work out? Kids from the marriage?

It was a sort of arranged marriage, I believed everything my dad said and fell straight through it. My dad is obsessed with her and even kept in contact with her throughout these 4 years!

I was going to do a spouse visa for her but I was having lots of doubt about the relationship and I wasn't feeling the love.

We have no kids, she lives in China and I live in UK. I've only "dates" her for a couple of days so I don't really know her that well.

Prices for overseas divorce costs around £1,300. I couldn't afford it 4 years ago as I was working zero hour contract with hardly any pay end of the month. I also didn't realise that being separated was such a big thing.

[Hodin]

Thank you all for your opinions and comments. It has really helped me.