How can a guy be attractive to women?

[d0nnivain]

Part of being attractive is being kind, interesting & open.  If you are the person who can be brave enough to break the ice by smiling & saying hello first you are ahead of the game.  That is a skill but its one you can learn through groups like Toastmasters and the Dale Carnagie type classes. 

 

As for your friends who are going through hard times of their own right now, you asking for help will be good for both of you.  They will be able to forget their troubles for a little while by focusing on you & your issue.  Most people do better when they help others.  

[Els]

3 hours ago, flaxcapacitor said:

I doubt if my sense of style is going to be to everyone's taste, most men prefer classic and understated looks whereas I prefer playing mix and match with colour, but then comments from people that I should dress down more and adopt one of the five generic male haircuts are usually from men while compliments on my style usually come from women, so not sure if changing that would help I'm not sure if I'd want to be a less authentic version of myself.

I agree that you should dress however you like and feel comfortable with - it's important that you feel authentic to yourself. However, I should probably mention that this can sometimes convey the connotation of being part of the queer community. That's obviously extremely overgeneralized, not always true, and involves a whole lot of crappy stereotyping. But, you should probably know that some people might get that impression.

Again, this doesn't mean that you should change what you do. Be yourself! Being yourself can often decrease the number of potential partners, but I prefer to view it as a filter. Just be aware that this means that you might get less "quantity" in terms of women who express romantic interest in you, although it would likely lead to more "quality". Don't get down on yourself on the lack of quantity, just accept it as part of the filtering process. It only takes one, after all.

[Lotsgoingon]

Compassion sounds good, but you need some therapy that doesn't just instill compassion but also pushes you to go out and challenge your negative, depressive, demoralizing thinking.

Not wanting to call people a few months later to take them up on an offer? And you're feeling like you don't want to inconvenience them? When in reality, helping people (as they would be doing) is one of the greatest healing actions we can take. Coaching you about women is hardly going to be exhausting. That's again, depression thinking you're engaged in. 

And you haven't done anything spectacular such that a woman would be attracted to you? Hello, walk down the street and see all the couples in all their various shapes, sizes and faces and appearances. Not a lot of beauty queens and not many slim and trim fitness fanatics or body builders.  What spectacular thing do you think these individuals did to win each other's interest?  Nothing!  We connect with people--that's it. Might be laughing at their humor.  Might be just the sound of our voices. Or someone's eyes. Again, you've constructed this distorted, completely unreal view of reality and you imagine that you are facing the obstacle of this relation.

The reality you see is completely fictional. If some women friends offer to coach you, that means they LIKE you. That means they believe in you, that they have hope for you, that they think you are worthy of their time and attention. Hello, you're doing something right or else these women would not make that offer! And still you make up reasons to not follow through with their offer. BTW: people MOST of the time delay taking others up on offers. There's nothing unusual about that! Hey, remember that offer you made to help me with X and Y. Well I really do need help. Boom, it's on! That happens every minute of every minute in the world. 

Look, compassion-based therapy is great. But you also need some therapy that requires you to go out and test your preposterous notions about the world, so that you can give up these inaccurate, ridiculous notions. You might also benefit from short-term medication to give you a boost as you drop this depressive, demoralizing, self-defeating, self-rejecting thinking you have going on. 

 

[mark clemson]

You might find it helpful to read the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts - specifically the chapters on female attraction, as it's a long read. Women's attraction is somewhat complicated, and indeed the idea of a man who's "mystified" by what women find attractive is a not uncommon cliche. (Even some men who ARE attractive, have families, etc, report being "mystified.")

At any rate, reading those chapters might give you some insight into the things women find attractive and figuring out ways to operationalize them in a way that works for who you are might go a long way towards helping establish a relationship or two, or possibly with some luck, a permanent partner.

While any specific woman is (IMO) impossible to "pin" in terms of exactly what she finds attractive (without a bit of trial and error), I would note the good news is there are actually a wide variety of things that can attract a woman to a man, so it's not like you have to fit a very specific mold. You don't need to be "Chad" to find someone, just attractive enough to pass muster.

I would also note that (speaking generally) as a statistical tendency, women tend to find lack of confidence and/or emotional insecurity unappealing, so  if you are giving off an "insecure vibe" that may be overriding attractive qualities you do have. Consider whether doing a bit of "acting" to cover up insecurities you may feel at first meet might help you. I think actually most people feel nervous at some level when first meeting a potential romantic prospect, so working to get past it and/or covering it up a bit to give a better first impression is probably quite normal. You want to "project confidence" or a least NOT "project insecurity" as much as may be possible.

[flaxcapacitor]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

You might find it helpful to read the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts - specifically the chapters on female attraction, as it's a long read. Women's attraction is somewhat complicated, and indeed the idea of a man who's "mystified" by what women find attractive is a not uncommon cliche. (Even some men who ARE attractive, have families, etc, report being "mystified.")

At any rate, reading those chapters might give you some insight into the things women find attractive and figuring out ways to operationalize them in a way that works for who you are might go a long way towards helping establish a relationship or two, or possibly with some luck, a permanent partner.

While any specific woman is (IMO) impossible to "pin" in terms of exactly what she finds attractive (without a bit of trial and error), I would note the good news is there are actually a wide variety of things that can attract a woman to a man, so it's not like you have to fit a very specific mold. You don't need to be "Chad" to find someone, just attractive enough to pass muster.

I would also note that (speaking generally) as a statistical tendency, women tend to find lack of confidence and/or emotional insecurity unappealing, so  if you are giving off an "insecure vibe" that may be overriding attractive qualities you do have. Consider whether doing a bit of "acting" to cover up insecurities you may feel at first meet might help you. I think actually most people feel nervous at some level when first meeting a potential romantic prospect, so working to get past it and/or covering it up a bit to give a better first impression is probably quite normal. You want to "project confidence" or a least NOT "project insecurity" as much as may be possible.

Honestly I would say I have a decent handle on what sort of things women find attractive, just based on my own social circle and experiences. If anything knowing this doesn't help because the more I know about the different sorts of men who are appealing the more I feel like I'm not one of them.

If I can work on my insecurities to the point I can at least cover them up then I will. I mentioned before I can be confident and outgoing socially but then withdrawn and awkward whenever conversation turns to relationships / sex / attraction etc because I worry that if I try and contribute to these conversations I'll embarrass myself. Similar with women, I can socialise with my female friends alright but I'm always keen not to come across that I'm hitting on them. I assume all women would be horrified at the idea of me hitting on them and I'd be branded a creep as a result.

[mark clemson]

How tight is your social circle? Being "branded" a creep is indeed one way women avert unwanted advances, but that may not matter too much if you look a bit farther afield? Also, don't press the issue - once a woman indicates she's not interested, simply drop it. Also once/if you establish genuine "romantic rapport" then advances tend to be welcomed.

Even a very attractive man (to some) can be labelled a "creep" if he doesn't read women's cues right and ignores the fact she's not interested. However, the flip side is that statistically speaking IMO women are much more likely to feel "connection" to a guy that is attractive, and thus (once feeling attracted themselves) they won't mind his interest.

If you think you know what women are attracted to, then why not work on yourself to cultivate those characteristics? While not exactly easy, this seems like a straightforward approach. Also men tend to think of how the other sex views them in terms of their own perspective, and so many are confused to find that few women actually mind "dad bods" or care about genital size, or have much interest in seeing man-parts, etc, etc. So you might consider reading the book anyhow rather than simply assuming you really have it all figured out.

I haven't read your entire thread, but if nervousness is a main barrier here, perhaps that's something you could work on with a therapist who specializes in this sort of issue? Presumably there are techniques out there that might help with this sort of thing.

[SlimShadysWife]

You'd be amazed at what fitness/ work outs can do. 

 

What are endorphins? Endorphins are chemicals (hormones) your body releases when it feels pain or stress. They're released during pleasurable activities such as exercise, massage, eating and sex too. Endorphins help relieve pain, reduce stress and improve your sense of well-being.

[smackie9]

Confidence in yourself and a positive attitude.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/13/2023 at 6:46 AM, flaxcapacitor said:

 I would say I have a decent handle on what sort of things women find attractive, 

You could try to be more appealing to yourself and be the man you want to be in terms of accomplishments, interests hobbies, sports, profession, etc.

Once you accept yourself and aspire to who you want to be, you could have more confidence. Take the style tips from your friends. Invest in yourself rather than trying to figure out how to be popular with women.

[basil67]

On 9/12/2023 at 11:06 PM, flaxcapacitor said:

I doubt if my sense of style is going to be to everyone's taste, most men prefer classic and understated looks whereas I prefer playing mix and match with colour, but then comments from people that I should dress down more and adopt one of the five generic male haircuts are usually from men while compliments on my style usually come from women, so not sure if changing that would help I'm not sure if I'd want to be a less authentic version of myself.

Society:  be yourself

Society: not like that

I can't come up with the right words to find links for you, but there's a thing where people are wary of those who look or behave differently to the norm.   It runs the gamut from someone who's got an obvious disability through to someone who's got punk hair.   Yes, there are those who look past the facade, but if you're choosing to dress in a style which is quite different from the norm, then you will naturally be limiting the pool of people you have to choose from.  

Like it or not, we all have to style ourselves in particular ways in order to fit in and be accepted.  From how to dress for an office, to meeting the parents, to an event or playing sports or even doing the grocery shopping.  I'm sure you also make snap judgements on people based on their appearance.  We all do.  The reason your male friends are persuading you into more generic clothes and hair cut is to help you fit in.  And for better or worse, fitting in is part of life and will help women be more open to the idea of you.

Also you mentioned having trouble finding clothes to fit your body shape.  (no judgement - most clothes have little diversity in size.  As it so happens, I sew a lot of my own shirts, tops and dresses because my bust is bigger than what most women's clothes are designed for).  May I ask what kind of size issue you're dealing with?  Have you ever considered working with a tailor in how to look for clothes which could fit after being tailored?  

 

[Alpacalia]

Try not to fix all your self-perceived flaws. Your flaws are what makes you unique and special.

I like men that wear casual clothes like jeans and t-shirts, but I also think it's much more attractive when people take pride in what they wear and express themselves through their style.

You don't have to dress down or adopt a generic style to be attractive but at the same time, being conscious of the occasion and its dress code can be beneficial if you want to make a good impression. So, developing your own style and wearing appropriate clothing depending on the situation will help you look stylish and make sure that you don't stand out too much.

Style is a personal thing, so wear what makes you feel comfortable and confident. I always wear a little broach pin that I like and that has special meaning for me. Other people might not like it but I feel stronger wearing it.

[basil67]

On 9/12/2023 at 11:22 PM, flaxcapacitor said:

In truth I don't really expect women to be attracted to me, I don't think I've done anything in my life that is worthy of attraction

Are you aware the one of the primary factors in attracting the opposite sex is the belief that you can have someone attracted to you?   Without that innate belief, a person's soul lacks that special something which draws others in.   Think about what makes a woman sexy.  I'm sure you know that women who aren't 10's can be totally sexy.  It's about her self belief, her presentation, her body language.   If you think it won't happen, then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy

Your comment about not having done anything in your life worth of attraction is very odd.  Most of us can be attracted to another person without yet having delved into their history.  For you to be attracted to a woman, does she need to have something in her life to make her worthy of your attraction?