Girl (f27) who seemed really into me (m31) has been hit by everything all at once and has questioned us [UPDATED]

[ramboparrot]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You might not be getting the whole story, bear in mind. 

Maybe an ex came back or another guy has been on her radar. 

It’s been a consideration.

I’ve seen nothing but eagerness from her up until our date on Tuesday and usually if things are going well, then it completely flips it’s usually because there’s someone else. Over a week ago at hers we had sex 3 times in the space of evening/morning and when she couldn’t come over last week being ill she was quick to tell me she’s free either Tuesday or the weekend after (sign of interest).

My only concern of hers was sometimes she’d read my message on whatsapp and reply later although she was at work. Sometimes i’d see her “last seen” status and it was after I sent a message but she hadn’t seen mine, so always made me wonder if she prioritised contact with someone else

We did talk about past relationships a couple of weeks ago. Her ex from 2017 she was with for 2 years had originally come back to her and they started speaking again in 2019 as he wasn’t happy with his new person, but she said no and put a stop to it. He was part of the army and they had different views of home life, he saw it as a holiday where she saw it as work, having to improve house, etc. I can see he’s been with someone for the past year going off Facebook. My only issue was she still had this photo of them together from 2017 on Facebook.

She has also asked me if I’ve dated more than one at a time and told me she can just date one person, so maybe someone else was on her radar that she preferred and meant she had to drop out of ours.

Again all overthinking but it’s a possibility. End result is the same that she didn’t value me enough to stay in her life and I’m glad because I don’t have to spend money on time on someone who doesn’t want to be there. It’s sad because we genuinely clicked but is what it is

Edited September 9, 2023 by ramboparrot

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

It’s been a consideration.

Didn't she explain her father was assaulted and she's going through a lot?  You only dated briefly so unfortunately when a lot is going on for someone, they may have to let go of nonessential stress, like a new or demanding relationship.

It seems your relationship with her was ok but perhaps this family incident  made her more aware of general issues. Reply briefly without trying to have a postmortem relationship discussion or trying to rebuild anything.  Just something like "sorry to hear this, take care".  If you don't block her she can reach out so there's no need to add that in either.

[ChatroomHero]

Hand to God, this is identical to something I am going through, up to the fact the last night together we played darts and had sex and she left oddly abruptly. Never argued or fought, always had fun. She also had an ex in the picture and attributed everything to stress. We had planned future trips, once seriously talked about moving with each other to another state. I mean the story is basically identical. Monday night, everything was perfect. By Tuesday, I could hardly get a response. The weird thing I noticed too was she all the sudden started using my first name in texts, on a 6 month text chain, which seemed oddly formal and just off. It seemed like a distancing measure to me and I picked it up immediately.

I tried to delete and block her, but the hard part is, from everything you and I know, there was nothing wrong. We texted pleasantries recently for a bit and the final message was she was overwhelmed and hoped it would slow down in the future and we could see each other. I started thinking, she is so stressed that the only thing she cut out was me...and I was, or at least it looked like, a stress release for her when we had fun.

We agreed to be exclusive, said I love you's, she was eager to see me and invite me to family events for months, then literally overnight didn't want to see or even talk to me. There is no way to rationalize it. Through a few text responses my feeling is that we were serious and the implications for her to continue meant she had to adjust her life and was scared and there was some evidence to support that. But the reason doesn't matter, the fact she so easily threw you away is what does and that's how I feel in my situation so i am just leaving it alone.

I am curious though...I was having a discussion with someone and mentioned what she did to me was basically what her ex did to her, ended everything abruptly and unexpectedly and she was stunned. I told him it "felt like" she was trying to punish "men" with payback for what her ex did. He said he had read something about things like that being cyclic or history repeating itself when it comes to breakups. It happened to her, she does it to someone else... A female friend suggested it's maybe a defense mechanism. She got to the point she was in a serious relationship and what she knows based on her recent experience is that serious relationships end with her being shocked and hurt so she left before you could. 

In your case, did her ex unexpectedly dump her?

I understand what you are going through and it is hard to relay that there were no red flags, little signs, there wasn't a couple of weeks of strained communication or behavior changes...0 warning even when you look back and deeply analyze. It's like if you had a childhood best friend that you see all the time, had lunch with them on Monday, discussed a golf outing you two were going two in a couple of weeks and made driving plans, etc, then on Tuesday they sent a text that said, "Have a nice life" with no further explanation. 3 weeks later with 0 communication or reason, it would destroy you to lose someone like that. It almost feels like mourning a death.

You know there is something deeper going on, you just don't know if it's a fear of something serious or disinterest or whatever. I have been through breakups and every time I could look back and see indicators in hindsight but when you meet someone that agrees you are perfectly matched and click on everything and everything is going perfectly, everything is easy and fun and then one day you wake up and she's just gone without any justifiable reason, it's hard to describe the gut punch and inability to process. For me, I found the more space I give, the quicker she will respond if I do reach out. I am left in total limbo so all I can do is try to pretend it never happened and I never met her, which obviously sucks.

[ramboparrot]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Didn't she explain her father was assaulted and she's going through a lot?  You only dated briefly so unfortunately when a lot is going on for someone, they may have to let go of nonessential stress, like a new or demanding relationship.

It seems your relationship with her was ok but perhaps this family incident  made her more aware of general issues. Reply briefly without trying to have a postmortem relationship discussion or trying to rebuild anything.  Just something like "sorry to hear this, take care".  If you don't block her she can reach out so there's no need to add that in either.

Yeah, was mugged in Rome. They got his phone back with some other things but of course the money was gone. It was her idea to tel her mum about the “find my iphone” thing which helped. She seemed in a sorry and stressful state though… she was saying things like “who would even attempt to rob an old man 😞 it’s really knocked his confidence ☹️” , etc, but she was really frustrated with her mum not responding as she wasn’t getting updates of the situation which worried her more.

Makes sense, I’m a new addition in her life and whilst most will say “well i’ve dealt with grief and still kept interest in a man”, everyone deals with stress differently.

Yeah I’m really happy with my response. Keeps door open if all these things happening genuinely was stressing her out. She always seemed smitten with me but said all this could be to do with her low mood with what’s happening.

Feel like I’ve dealt with it the best way possible and only time will tell if she decides to come back. I’ll still post stories, enjoy life etc. Don’t know if I want to jump back into world of dating again for a bit. Not that I’m waiting on her, but I do need some self focusing time for now.

Edited September 9, 2023 by ramboparrot

[ramboparrot]

2 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

Hand to God, this is identical to something I am going through, up to the fact the last night together we played darts and had sex and she left oddly abruptly. Never argued or fought, always had fun. She also had an ex in the picture and attributed everything to stress. We had planned future trips, once seriously talked about moving with each other to another state. I mean the story is basically identical. Monday night, everything was perfect. By Tuesday, I could hardly get a response. The weird thing I noticed too was she all the sudden started using my first name in texts, on a 6 month text chain, which seemed oddly formal and just off. It seemed like a distancing measure to me and I picked it up immediately.

I tried to delete and block her, but the hard part is, from everything you and I know, there was nothing wrong. We texted pleasantries recently for a bit and the final message was she was overwhelmed and hoped it would slow down in the future and we could see each other. I started thinking, she is so stressed that the only thing she cut out was me...and I was, or at least it looked like, a stress release for her when we had fun.

We agreed to be exclusive, said I love you's, she was eager to see me and invite me to family events for months, then literally overnight didn't want to see or even talk to me. There is no way to rationalize it. Through a few text responses my feeling is that we were serious and the implications for her to continue meant she had to adjust her life and was scared and there was some evidence to support that. But the reason doesn't matter, the fact she so easily threw you away is what does and that's how I feel in my situation so i am just leaving it alone.

I am curious though...I was having a discussion with someone and mentioned what she did to me was basically what her ex did to her, ended everything abruptly and unexpectedly and she was stunned. I told him it "felt like" she was trying to punish "men" with payback for what her ex did. He said he had read something about things like that being cyclic or history repeating itself when it comes to breakups. It happened to her, she does it to someone else... A female friend suggested it's maybe a defense mechanism. She got to the point she was in a serious relationship and what she knows based on her recent experience is that serious relationships end with her being shocked and hurt so she left before you could. 

In your case, did her ex unexpectedly dump her?

I understand what you are going through and it is hard to relay that there were no red flags, little signs, there wasn't a couple of weeks of strained communication or behavior changes...0 warning even when you look back and deeply analyze. It's like if you had a childhood best friend that you see all the time, had lunch with them on Monday, discussed a golf outing you two were going two in a couple of weeks and made driving plans, etc, then on Tuesday they sent a text that said, "Have a nice life" with no further explanation. 3 weeks later with 0 communication or reason, it would destroy you to lose someone like that. It almost feels like mourning a death.

You know there is something deeper going on, you just don't know if it's a fear of something serious or disinterest or whatever. I have been through breakups and every time I could look back and see indicators in hindsight but when you meet someone that agrees you are perfectly matched and click on everything and everything is going perfectly, everything is easy and fun and then one day you wake up and she's just gone without any justifiable reason, it's hard to describe the gut punch and inability to process. For me, I found the more space I give, the quicker she will respond if I do reach out. I am left in total limbo so all I can do is try to pretend it never happened and I never met her, which obviously sucks.

Thank you for sharing your story!

Must be something on the darts that’s causing it 🤣

We have spoken about previous relationships. Her and her ex got together in 2017 and broke up around 2019/2020. She still has an older profile picture of them together on Facebook, but I searched him and he’s happy with someone else this past year.

She told me they moved in together but he worked in the army. They had a difference of opinion of what they called home. She saw it as something to work on and improve, whereas he saw it as a holiday when coming back from the army. She felt like it was always her responsibility to get stuff done.

He ended up leaving her for someone else then got back in touch with her saying he wasn’t happy. They spoke for a bit but this girl (one I’d been seeing) reached out to this other girl and set up her ex to kind of embarrass him. She told me he was a bit manipulative as well.

For me, I don’t think her ex is back in the picture but then it’s odd she still has his picture on Facebook.

What you describe is exactly how I feel. It’s confusing because I couldn’t see any signs. Even from Tuesday night, I have videos of her laughing and smiling when she wasn’t expecting me to film it. When we got back to mine she was happy staying up until 2am watching movies then having sex. She could’ve so easily made an excuse to get back in her car and drive home.

With my ex, it felt blindsided but if I compare my ex with this girl, there were arguments/disagreements and differences in future goals which led to the breakup. None of that with this current girl.

I know she’s told me she overthinks a lot and gets migraines a lot too. She’s had that, her dad’s situation and of course being overworked at work (past month she’s had that) covering people’s shifts and fear of redundancy, maybe she felt like she couldn’t give what I was wanting from her. She doubts herself a lot too, as the pics we took she liked none of them even though I thought she looked stunning. Might explain why she said she had nothing more to give, that she felt like a burden to me possibly.

I’ve also had times where I’ve been with girls and low moods or periods, etc has made them think their feelings changed but few days later they’re back.

Obviously living off hope here, could genuinely just be she wasn’t feeling it enough for it to be worth the 30-45 min drive or she doesn’t miss me enough.

Yeah I’ve said my peace with her and responded in the best way I could. I’ll enjoy my life and let her get on with hers. If she misses me then great, door is open. If not, then I’m thankful I can now find someone who will want me to be part of their life.

[ramboparrot]

Hey, sorry for such a long post.

 

Here is the message I wanted to send -[redacted]

 

To sum things up, we’d been dating for 3 months and she was highly affectionate, really into me and always making the effort to see me. Then a whole load of stress hit her which caused her to overthink things and break it off.

 

Why I think I was at fault was the morning we woke up together, I jumped out of bed when my alarm went to start up my laptop. I felt like I dismissed her, not giving any affection or cuddles. I saw her just laying in bed and mentioned I quickly had to get online but feel she was disappointed. When she got everything packed up to go home, she came over and gave me a long kiss smiling but her goodbye was abrupt.

 

When she got home she found out her cat was sick and had to take her into the vet she worked at. I was supporting to her.

 

The day after she finds out her father has been mugged abroad and she’s been stressing chasing for updates off her mother and cancelling bank cards, etc. Again, I offer her support and ask her to let me know if there’s any update.

 

She messages me after work giving an update that he’s okay but shook up, etc and she has one of her migraines coming on too. As she sends this message, I’m shown as online on whatsapp but I had to close the app due to something urgent. 

 

When I get back to whatsapp after, I see she’s replied 30 minutes later with a panicked message saying she’s been overthinking things lately and has had stress with work (seen this over last few weeks), low mood, feels burned out and with her father’s situation she feels she has nothing left to give at the moment. Over the last two days she says she thinks it’s because of her low mood but feels we’ve gone as far as we’re going to go and she can’t understand why because she loves talking and spending time together.

 

I responded understanding and respecting her choice and to not worry about it. She said she was truly sorry wishing she was feeling differently currently and felt I deserved more than she could give at the moment.

 

A week passes by and she’d been watching my instagram stories and liked one of them, etc. I reached out in a caring nature asking how she’s been then made her laugh with one of her favourite dad jokes. She said it felt weird not being able to send memes to me as she didn’t want to confuse things. She sent a dad joke back and laughed again at mine.

 

At this point I’ve not made any contact and it’s been a week since. However, I’m fighting between my head and heart to send that message I linked at the start. To me, it would be the final message I send.

 

She’s told me previously she’s got self-esteem issues, overthinks a lot and quite clingy. She’s very caring, sweet, non-aggressive with anything so I feel like sending this message wouldn’t make her dislike me. She still likes me as a person and had no bad response from her since.

 

I just feel like I have my heart set on sending it. It’s eating me up not saying what I need to but I feel like I can draw the line in my head. I feel like I’m mostly sending this for me, to give me peace/closure.

 

But my head says I’m going to look weak, pathetic and it might reaffirm her decision that she was right to move on.

 

I’m prepared to deal with the consequences, feel I’ve nothing to lose in the off chance she wanted to see if I’d make that extra effort even though she’s made her choice. Part of me feels like she could’ve stepped away to see if I see if I’m bothered about her and that if I can move on so easily confirms I never cared too. 

 

She was stung by her ex a few years ago who left her for someone else, so possibly saw me showing lack of affection which made her overthink things maybe

 

Edited September 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
remove hyperlink

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

 my head says I’m going to look weak, pathetic and it might reaffirm her decision that she was right to move on.

Try to resist the urge to send yet another "final message".  She already told you she's stressed with everything else and her family. You already sent her a breakup text,which was fine. Is this the same woman?:

 

[glows]

I can’t access the message. Will you paste the text here? 

You both seem to have some good rapport after the break up but she’s not interested in pursuing this. Keep in mind the stress of everything can also be an excuse when she really does not think you’re compatible with her at all - she’s letting you down easy without destroying you. I would not go down a rabbit hole assuming it’s because of things like her ex and insecurity issues.

[stillafool]

Woman here.  Please don't send that text.  She's ended it in the nicest way she knows how.  Means nothing that she viewed you Instagram this week.  I say don't send that text because when I've broken up with someone and they keep pursuing me with notes or calls I no longer read them and stop taking their calls.  It turns into begging which is a total turn off.  It's only been a week. None of the excuses she used would make someone break up with a boyfriend she loved.  If anything she'd need your support and would cling to you.

Edited September 22, 2023 by stillafool

[ramboparrot]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

I can’t access the message. Will you paste the text here? 

You both seem to have some good rapport after the break up but she’s not interested in pursuing this. Keep in mind the stress of everything can also be an excuse when she really does not think you’re compatible with her at all - she’s letting you down easy without destroying you. I would not go down a rabbit hole assuming it’s because of things like her ex and insecurity issues.

“Hey, promise I’m not trying to write a bestselling book here… tried talking myself out of this but felt you were worth writing this for. I know you’ve made your choice and I’m not trying to change it. Selfish as it sounds, I miss us spending time together and genuinely felt we had something good going. Wasn’t sure if one day you saw a future in this once all the stress, etc had cleared up or if you see nothing in this at all. Either way I just want you to be happy

Looking back I should’ve given you some time/cuddles in bed when we woke up last time. Nearly got up late for work so I rushed off and I’m sorry if it looked like I didn’t care. When you updated me about your dad that night too something came up before I could reply then you sent your 2nd message breaking it off (On the bright side of all this, an old lady at a restaurant I booked us in Wales was cheered up with the flowers I sent there haha). I know you’ve said all you needed to say before so I won’t be that guy who can’t take a hint, rather take the risk even if this looks cringey than regret not x”

Edited September 22, 2023 by ramboparrot

[ramboparrot]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Woman here.  Please don't send that text.  She's ended it in the nicest way she knows how.  Means nothing that she viewed you Instagram this week.  I say don't send that text because when I've broken up with someone and they keep pursuing me with notes or calls I no longer read them and stop taking their calls.  It turns into begging which is a total turn off.  It's only been a week. None of the excuses she used would make someone break up with a boyfriend she loved.  If anything she'd need your support and would cling to you.

Thanks for your response.

It’s what I’m worried about, but given the nature of how she is with overthinking, lack of self-esteem, etc, I feel like if I gave some sort of reassurance I did actually care with one final message there’s a possibility she may have been wanting that extra effort, whereas if I’m so quick to move on I may seem like I never cared that much.

I’m prepared to live with the consequences. It was only 3 months invested and if she doesn’t see any future in this and the whole stress thing was an excuse, then the result is the same.

She’s a very gentle and sweet person who doesn’t get mad with anyone so I can’t imagine she would be angry/annoyed at me stating what I feel, but I know everyone has their limits and if I was to push this any further it would push her buttons I’m sure. I’ve been understanding since, so this would be the first and only time I would push by asking.

Usually I’d move on if they openly stated lack of spark, see me as a friend, anything clear cut but I guess I’m wanting to gamble by asking in the off chance the whole stress thing is legit. Worst case she confirms a no, best case she wanted that effort to see if I did care 

Edited September 22, 2023 by ramboparrot

[glows]

Okay I read the text pasted here and the previous thread linked by Wiseman. Had to catch up. Thank you. 

OP, did she reply to the Sep 8 text or did you not send it? Are you asking for advice on the same topic ie sending this text or is this a 2nd attempt to reconcile or apologize? 

If this break up happened last night for instance id say fine, mention what you have to say about being more affectionate or wanting to be more caring. But that’s not the case. It’s been over a week since she’s been ending it and backing away. Her text you pasted in the previous thread Sep 8 sounds like she’s not interested in dating you to be frank. She’s backing out slowly from this and doesn’t want you to “hate her”. 

My question is have you already or have you not sent her this message betw Sep 8 and now Sep 22? 

Second, after reading both threads I don’t get the sense that she’s very interested in continuing to date you for some time. You can send this type of message once but keep in mind it is more for you than for her. It’s for you to have that peace of mind that you said all you have to say. She’s not interested. I would also seriously question a woman/person who needs that much reassurance and seems to break so easily under stress. Why would you want to date someone who crumbles like that and ends a relationship in that way if it’s due to so called stress?

[ramboparrot]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

I can’t access the message. Will you paste the text here? 

You both seem to have some good rapport after the break up but she’s not interested in pursuing this. Keep in mind the stress of everything can also be an excuse when she really does not think you’re compatible with her at all - she’s letting you down easy without destroying you. I would not go down a rabbit hole assuming it’s because of things like her ex and insecurity issues.

Posted it as a separate response, but I may just change it and be more direct with it.

You are right that this could be an excuse. It didn’t seem as clear cut as ones I’ve moved on from before, but if I gamble with the message I’m happy to deal with the consequences.

I feel like the risk of seeing if she wanted that extra effort/care is worth more than not saying anything and assuming. If she confirms exactly that there’s nothing in it, it draws a line through “what if” in my head and I can move on.

I want to send a message, for definite, but I don’t want to come across as weird. Any rejection I’ve had before has come out of the blue but has made sense when looking back on it. This one doesn’t with the amount of interest and effort she put into me. It’d make sense if she got overwhelmed and of course if she felt neglected by me that last day

[ramboparrot]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

Okay I read the text pasted here and the previous thread linked by Wiseman. Had to catch up. Thank you. 

OP, did she reply to the Sep 8 text or did you not send it? Are you asking for advice on the same topic ie sending this text or is this a 2nd attempt to reconcile or apologize? 

If this break up happened last night for instance id say fine, mention what you have to say about being more affectionate or wanting to be more caring. But that’s not the case. It’s been over a week since she’s been ending it and backing away. Her text you pasted in the previous thread Sep 8 sounds like she’s not interested in dating you to be frank. She’s backing out slowly from this and doesn’t want you to “hate her”. 

My question is have you already or have you not sent her this message betw Sep 8 and now Sep 22? 

Second, after reading both threads I don’t get the sense that she’s very interested in continuing to date you for some time. You can send this type of message once but keep in mind it is more for you than for her. It’s for you to have that peace of mind that you said all you have to say. She’s not interested. I would also seriously question a woman/person who needs that much reassurance and seems to break so easily under stress. Why would you want to date someone who crumbles like that and ends a relationship in that way if it’s due to so called stress?

Since that post, I replied being understanding and accepting.

She then said “I truly am so sorry, I wish I felt differently because you really are so great. You just deserve more than I can give right now. Thank you for everything and for being so understanding. I hope you don’t give up on reconnecting with your mum and dad too, they’re missing out otherwise”

I then said it’s okay, wish it was different ,etc saying goodbye and called her by her pet name.

She replied with the pet name she called me saying “Bye cupcake x”.

A week passes by and I message her “Hey, just wanted your advice on something… I asked someone how do I make a sausage roll? but apparently they told me to roll it down a hill? 🤔 Hope everything has been ok lately, wanted to put a smile on your face”

She replies “Thank you it did very much put a smile on my face! I’m okay, slowly starting to get back on my feet I think. Been weird not being able to send you funny memes or things on insta though, I just haven’t wanted to confuse things🥲 hope you’re doing okay too, appreciate the dad joke haha”

I reply “Slowly getting back on your feet? Didn’t realise you weren’t able to walk 😅 Well from what I remember it doesn’t take much to confuse you haha, joking. Yeah bet your saved list is bursting… Can send me your best one if you want, bet it doesn’t beat mine”

She says “What do you call a magician with no magic?

…Ian”

I reply back “That’s actually a decent one 😉 don’t tell anyone… but I used to be addicted to soap, now I’m clean”

She responds back with a 😂

I never replied back to that and it’s been a week (two since breaking it off).

I’ll live with the consequences and send it, but I have the expectation it’s done. This is definitely more for me so I can draw a line under it, but in the off chance I’m wrong then it’s worth the risk. Just obviously don’t want to look weak or desperate 

If things ended on a sour note or I’d already pushed things before then 100% i’d avoid any further contact. This would be my one and only time

Edited September 22, 2023 by ramboparrot

[glows]

Thanks for the follow up and linking Sep 8 to now. 

Since you’ve already sent a message over a week ago, no I would definitely not rehash and send a 2nd message about the relationship. She even said Bye. This is over and you’re now on the verge of sounding like a broken record and like you suddenly forgot what bye means. Don’t send.

OP, you’re torturing yourself staying in contact. Don’t stay in contact on social media and mute her feed if you don’t want to delete and block her. You need space from this and time to move on.

Edited September 22, 2023 by glows

[Weezy1973]

Do not send the message. Live your life. If she wants to rekindle things, she will reach out to you. But don’t sit around waiting for it. Move on.

[flitzanu]

nope.  she's been clear.  she "didn't want to confuse things" sending memes, as in, didn't want to confuse you making you think she had any interest in you anymore.  

also: "I know you’ve made your choice and I’m not trying to change it." 

--except yes you are trying to change her choice.

 

don't send any further messages, remove and block her on socials. 

[shellzbellz83]

Just adding another "please don't send that" to the tally. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/22/2023 at 5:16 PM, ramboparrot said:

Why I think I was at fault was the morning we woke up together, I jumped out of bed when my alarm went to start up my laptop. I felt like I dismissed her, not giving any affection or cuddles. I saw her just laying in bed and mentioned I quickly had to get online but feel she was disappointed.

Nobody who is really into you is going to break it off over one morning of no cuddles, OP. This is you grasping at straws trying to blame yourself, because that makes you believe you're somehow in more control of the situation and can therefore rectify it. But she did not end it with you because of a lack of cuddling one morning. I promise you that. 

On 9/22/2023 at 6:23 PM, ramboparrot said:

Just obviously don’t want to look weak or desperate

It will make you look desperate. 

You're already trying too hard with the  jokes you've sent her. Ok, they're vaguely funny and interaction was pleasant enough, but they're also a very thinly-veiled (and frankly rather cringey) attempt to get her talking to you again. She let it fizzle when she finally replied with just an emoji and hasn't since said anything else. It's time to let her go. She's already let go of you. 

[introverted1]

One more vote for don't send anything.

It seems to me that you are not allowing her agency in this situation. She has broken up with you and done so kindly, from what I can see.  She's made it clear in multiple messages that she is done.  And yet, you keep sending her messages. Are you hoping to provoke her into saying something mean?  Why are you so unwilling to respect her choice? 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

 Why are you so unwilling to respect her choice? 

This is what I'm not understanding.  When someone is showing you they want space give it to them the size of Texas.  If you continue to push 

 

On 9/22/2023 at 12:06 PM, ramboparrot said:

Usually I’d move on if they openly stated lack of spark, see me as a friend, anything clear cut but I guess I’m wanting to gamble by asking in the off chance the whole stress thing is legit.

It doesn't matter if her excuse for not wanting to see you anymore is legit or not.  The point is she doesn't want to see you anymore and it is up to you to respect and accept her decisioin without badgering her to continue in a relationship she doesn't want.  Why can't you just accept her decision?

[ramboparrot]

You guys were of course right and I had a gut feeling, but I had to selfishly do this for myself to make sure and at least draw a line in my head under all of this.

I ended up sending this:

”I won’t bother you anymore after this message unless you reach out to me. I care deeply about you and would love to continue seeing each other as I felt we had something good. You’re smart, funny and beautiful, and I want to get to know you more. I know you have a lot going on in your life and would like to be there for you. You don’t have to give me anything at the moment and I don’t expect you to. 

Last time you were at mine, I felt like I rushed out of bed to start work and I didn’t give you the affection I should have. Honestly wanted to spend time cuddling you. When you updated me about your dad too, I had to put my phone down and deal with something before I saw your 2nd reply breaking it off, so I’m sorry for neglecting you. I know you said everything you needed to last time so if you definitely don’t see some sort of a future in this I understand. You were worth making this effort for and I want you to be happy x”

She replied back with:

“I care about you loads too and I honestly enjoyed every day we spent together. I think for me though in the end there was just something missing, I’m not even sure what I’m sorry.

You truly did not neglect me in any way so do not blame yourself at all, you were absolutely both affectionate as well as there for me which is why I wish I did feel differently. You’re honestly so great and I want you to be happy too, I just know that I’m not your long term happy which is what you deserve x”

I replied:

“Fair enough, you can’t help how you feel.  On the bright side after everything, there was an old lady at a restaurant I booked in Wales who received the flowers I sent there so at least we made her day. Anyway glad you were part of my life, short as it was I’ll never forget the memories we made. Wish it could’ve been more, but is what it is. Good luck x”

Obviously that’s it from me and I feel like I have some closure. Do you think my last message was decent enough? She read it and that was it, wasn’t expecting a reply but would’ve been nice to get a “good luck too” as when she broke it off last time she gave me a goodbye.

I do feel disappointed with myself for not staying strong. I felt like I initially handled the rejection perfectly where she gave me a love heart saying goodbye, then I had to ruin it reaching out with a joke thinking I could reattract her. Then I let overthinking get the better of me by sending that last message.

It was only a short thing I guess. Whether I dealt well with the rejection or not the end result was still the same. I hope she doesn’t think badly or see me as pathetic now, she was a very empathetic and sweet girl.

Lesson learned for next time. I’ll just reply with a generic acceptable of breakup then move on, no questioning it. At least it was an improvement with how I handled things with my ex, so there’s a plus.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ramboparrot said:

thinking I could reattract her. Then I let overthinking get the better of me by sending that last message.

You seem to have insight that this is all it was. Engaging in too many "get your ex back" sites and their nonsense about "reattract" (not even a real word, just the lingo those "get your ex back" scams use). 

Now that you've gotten it out of your system, leave her alone. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That could help you stop harassing her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

Do you think my last message was decent enough?

It was fine. There was no need for her to say goodbye again. 

2 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

then I had to ruin it reaching out with a joke thinking I could reattract her.

With respect, where did you get this idea? 

[ramboparrot]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to have insight that this is all it was. Engaging in too many "get your ex back" sites and their nonsense about "reattract" (not even a real word, just the lingo those "get your ex back" scams use). 

Now that you've gotten it out of your system, leave her alone. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That could help you stop harassing her. 

Given how nice she’s been about all this and there were no issues between us, I don’t want to be petty removing her. She rarely posts unless her work tags her and I can just easily hide it. I find myself not using social media much now (for my mental health) unless I post a trip as a story.

I hope I’ve not come across as harassing her but I won’t reach out anymore. All has been said now and I can draw the line and move on, no contact indefinitely. Only time I’d break it is if she ever decided to reach out but I’d rather focus on doing things on my own and eventually a blank slate with someone new