Girl (f27) who seemed really into me (m31) has been hit by everything all at once and has questioned us [UPDATED]

[ramboparrot]

I met the most amazing girl around 3 months ago. We’ve been talking every day and seeing each other 1-2 times a week. She’s been so into me planning trips (we had one for this weekend) and very affectionate. Absolutely no drama like my last one.

 

We went out on Tuesday night, she stayed over and we had sex. The following two days she didn’t reply much until later that night (she had no data and her wifi is bad at work so I blamed it on that). She tends to not reply whilst at work anyway.

 

The first of those two days she seemed down because her cat had been ill, then the second day she found her dad who is of old age had been mugged of all his money, belongings, etc in Rome

 

Anyway she hit me with the following last night:

 

“Sorry just finished work about to set off home. 

He’s okay just confidence knocked I think bless him. I told my mum to use find my iPhone cos I hadn’t realised they’d taken his phone as well until later on and they managed to track it to a hostel.. found his bag with his cards, phone, passport & his heart meds and everything except the €400 cash they got back. My mum annoyed me though she stopped replying and wouldn’t answer my calls for hours left me worrying got my migraine back too”

 

Then 30 mins later:

 

“(My name) I’m really really sorry but I’ve had a bad couple of days and been overthinking and stuff and honestly I just feel really low atm and burnt out. I’ve got a few things going on in the background plus all this stress at work atm and then today with my family I just feel like I  have nothing left to give atm. Been thinking a lot about me and you as well since seeing you and it might just be because of my low mood but I just feel as though it’s gone as far as it’s going to goyou’re obviously such a great guy, I really love spending time with you and talking to you so I feel silly that im even giving it up. Part of me wants to just keep doing what we’ve been doing and making plans etc with you but realistically I just need to be honest with myself and with you and I especially don’t want to put a dampener on all your good childhood memories of Wales by going with you this weekend and I really don’t want to waste any more of your time I hope you don’t hate me x”

 

It hit me by surprise, I don’t know if her low mood and all this stress has changed her priorities maybe or she lost feelings.

 

The only bad I could see from our last date was I was quite competitive in a jokey way when we played darts, I won most of the games and she jokingly said to me with crossed arms “nope I don’t want to play you’ll beat me!”. That’s when I said if she beats me this last round she wins overall, then she won.

 

We had sex that night and she seemed into it. The following morning when she packed her stuff, she came over to and gave me a lot of kisses with a big smile, but when she walked out it seemed very abrupt with a “bye”.

 

My biggest question and concern is… do I reply or just not reply and get on with life? I feel a bit of a dick not replying because of her situation with her dad and it sounds like I don’t care, but I’ve handled rejection badly in the past and not replying means I don’t say something I regret. I’d just rather not ignore her like her mum had been doing when she wanted updates about her dad.

 

But if I was to reply, is this okay to send? Anything to avoid saying?

 

“Sorry to hear that you think that way. Obviously I disagree and feel like we had a future in this, really enjoy our time together too but I’ll respect your choice and move on. Hope things improve with your dad, he needs you there and that’s more important same with your job. It’s a shame but I understand you have other priorities. If you change your mind you know where I am. Good luck with everything in the future x”

 

TL;DR - All going well, girl really into me over last 3 months and says she really enjoys our time together but has been hit with her cat being ill, stresses at work and her dad being mugged abroad which as made her question how much she can give to me and she feels burned out, isn’t sure if it’s the low mood she’s experiencing 

Edited September 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JTSW]

Yes respond to her and be understanding. 

She's not feeling it with you and you just need to respect her decision.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry this happened.

I think her feelings just weren't as strong as yours were at this point and she already knew she didn't feel strongly enough to continue. The other stressors in her life were not the reason she's called it off. They're not fun, but they wouldn't affect a relationship that dramatically if a person is really into you. 

You could certainly reply to her, and I think what you devised is fine. And then I would try to move past her. 

[ramboparrot]

Everything going perfectly then since she left my place she’s been hit by multiple stresses, etc over a couple of days which made her think about things between us.

Her reply:

“Sorry just finished work about to set off home. 

He’s okay just confidence knocked I think bless him. I told my mum to use find my iPhone cos I hadn’t realised they’d taken his phone as well until later on and they managed to track it to a hostel.. found his bag with his cards, phone, passport & his heart meds and everything except the €400 cash they got back. My mum annoyed me though she stopped replying and wouldn’t answer my calls for hours left me worrying got my migraine back too”

Then 30 mins later:

“(My name) I’m really really sorry but I’ve had a bad couple of days and been overthinking and stuff and honestly I just feel really low atm and burnt out. I’ve got a few things going on in the background plus all this stress at work atm and then today with my family I just feel like I  have nothing left to give atm. Been thinking a lot about me and you as well since seeing you and it might just be because of my low mood but I just feel as though it’s gone as far as it’s going to goyou’re obviously such a great guy, I really love spending time with you and talking to you so I feel silly that im even giving it up. Part of me wants to just keep doing what we’ve been doing and making plans etc with you but realistically I just need to be honest with myself and with you and I especially don’t want to put a dampener on all your good childhood memories of Wales by going with you this weekend and I really don’t want to waste any more of your time I hope you don’t hate me x”

I haven’t replied because I haven’t dealt with rejection well in the past. This is what I plan to say to keep things civil and open for anything in the future:

“Okay. Obviously I disagree with your decision and it’s a shame because I enjoyed spending time  with you too, but I respect your choice. If you don’t feel the same way then it’s gone as far as it can (Bet my competitiveness in darts recently scared you off!) Anyway I’m sure things will improve for your dad as you and your family will be there for him, I’ll be thinking of you all. If you change your mind you know where I am, good luck x”

Edited September 8, 2023 by ramboparrot

[Maldives]

Ye what you wrote is fine sorry to hear btw. All you can do is let her be. Funny how she never gave you any indication of how she felt and then dropped it on you like that out of the blue. 

[ramboparrot]

8 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Ye what you wrote is fine sorry to hear btw. All you can do is let her be. Funny how she never gave you any indication of how she felt and then dropped it on you like that out of the blue. 

There were no lead ups to this like there was with my ex. My last relationship had disagreements and her calling me out on things she was unhappy with. Never got this with the current girl. She always makes the effort to see me, very affectionate, etc! Only negative I could see was maybe I was too competitive with darts and deep down she wasn’t finding it fun (rather than supporting her playing I felt I was almost competing) or when we ordered takeaway she went from wanting food to not much and maybe I appeared weak changing my mind when she did.

I’m confused but as long as my reply leaves it on a decent open note. If she genuinely likes spending time and talking to me as she says, if she is genuinely overwhelmed then leaves the door for her to come back.

Edited September 8, 2023 by ramboparrot

[Maldives]

13 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

There were no lead ups to this like there was with my ex. My last relationship had disagreements and her calling me out on things she was unhappy with. Never got this with the current girl. She always makes the effort to see me, very affectionate, etc! Only negative I could see was maybe I was too competitive with darts and deep down she wasn’t finding it fun (rather than supporting her playing I felt I was almost competing) or when we ordered takeaway she went from wanting food to not much and maybe I appeared weak changing my mind when she did.

I’m confused but as long as my reply leaves it on a decent open note. If she genuinely likes spending time and talking to me as she says, if she is genuinely overwhelmed then leaves the door for her to come back.

Doubt it would be the darts that's nothing lol well from how I see it. 

Don't blame you being confused and I don't have an answer accept that she now wants out for whatever reason. I would think though if someone's really into you they wouldn't let go of you like this. Unless she's just really overwhelmed and her heads all clouded. Let her go and I gotta feeling after a little while she'll contact you again. Maybe she just doesn't deal well with stress. 

Edited September 8, 2023 by Goodguy05

[stillafool]

All you can do is take her at her word and let her go.  Maybe she isn't over an ex or something but I think too her feelings just weren't very strong for you or she would give it a chance.  Yes reply back if you want, if not just move on with your life.

[ramboparrot]

27 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Doubt it would be the darts that's nothing lol well from how I see it. 

Don't blame you being confused and I don't have an answer accept that she now wants out for whatever reason. I would think though if someone's really into you they wouldn't let go of you like this. Unless she's just really overwhelmed and her heads all clouded. Let her go and I gotta feeling after a little while she'll contact you again. Maybe she just doesn't deal well with stress. 

She does seem to retreat with stress. She’s trying to get her house done, looking after her cat, stress of redundancy at work and what happened with her dad. I do believe she’s stressed and overwhelmed and it’d be difficult to give anything to me. I just don’t like reading her saying she needs to feel honest with herself and me to not waste my time and that she feels it’s gone as far as it can go. To me seems like she doesn’t feel the same way.

All I can do is act mature about it and leave the door open in hopes it is all from the stress

[ramboparrot]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

All you can do is take her at her word and let her go.  Maybe she isn't over an ex or something but I think too her feelings just weren't very strong for you or she would give it a chance.  Yes reply back if you want, if not just move on with your life.

Possibly. She still has her and her ex as one of her older Facebook profile pictures dated 2017, but I believe they broke up 2 years later. Appears he’s been in a relationship with someone else in the past year or so. 
 

She did ask about my past relationships a couple of weeks ago and when I got onto the topic of hers she mentioned they had different lifestyles and choices about things. Apparently he went with someone else then started messaging her back when he wasn’t happy with this new girl. She told me she said no and she didn’t want to get back together.

I’d always consider this ex to be a possibility but she seemed done with him and he seems happy with whoever he is with now.

I’ll leave it on a good note anyway, keeps the door open

[BreakOnThrough]

Just say "ok, I understand" then leave it at that, no need to elaborate.  Then set it and forget it, move on completely, if she does come back at some point, you can decide what you want to do, But don't ever initiate contact again if she doesn't.

[ramboparrot]

Decided to go with the following. I want to show that I think differently but of course be understanding of her situation. Ideally want to show i’m there for support if she needs it but keeping the door open if things are genuinely overwhelming her

“Fair enough. Of course I feel otherwise as I enjoyed our time together too. Can’t say i’m not a little disappointed but I completely understand and respect your choice. Sometimes life just happens and the timing isn’t right. I hope things will improve for your dad soon, you and your family will be there for him and I’ll be thinking of you all. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If you do change your mind or need to talk then you know where I am x”

[Maldives]

You could start hanging out with another girl watch her run back to you then lol hehe just kidding...it can work in some instances lol

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

She does seem to retreat with stress. She’s trying to get her house done, looking after her cat, stress of redundancy at work and what happened with her dad

This is life, there is nothing extraordinary worthy of losing interest in someone. She was not into you enough to carry the relationship that's all. 

I met a man once and 1 month into dating him my daughter's father died. I had a child in full grieving mode, plus my own grieving (I spent 15 years with him) and I grieved without losing interest into my new man. 

Don't try to find her excuses.

Edited September 8, 2023 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

If you do change your mind or need to talk then you know where I am x”

Another big no-no.

You are offering her to put you in the friendzone and once a woman has put a man in that zone it's practically impossible to get out of it. We are wired differently than man on that aspect. If you want her to remember you, to wonder about you, to reach to you down the road maybe, then you disappear. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

. I hope things will improve for your dad soon, you and your family will be there for him and I’ll be thinking of you all. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If you do change your mind or need to talk then you know where I am x”

This is fine for now. Try to understand what she's going through.  This is too complicated a time to get into long breakup texts.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

Only negative I could see was maybe I was too competitive with darts and deep down she wasn’t finding it fun

No. This isn't it. When we ladies likes someone, a vaguely competitive game of darts if not going to kill the attraction. 

3 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

when we ordered takeaway she went from wanting food to not much and maybe I appeared weak changing my mind when she did.

My guy, this is not how any rational women think. Dating "gurus" or pick-up artistis might try to sell you this notion, but it's equine manure, You're not going to "appear weak" for changing your mind about ordering food, for heaven's sake. 

 

[spiritedaway2003]

I think she's just trying to let you down easy (sorry).

Other feedback:

- A competitive game of darts isn't going to turn anyone off (I've done it to my partner, and he loves the competitive streak when we're in competition mode). 

- There have been periods in my life where things got really hectic.  Stress is legitimate but it's not an excuse.  It can lead one to evaluate if they are at the right place or if they want to stay in a relationship (and/or see a future in that relationship).  It sounds like that's what she did. 

She didn't want to ghost you so she let you know that she doesn't see it working out in the long term.  There are some bright sides to this - she's actually trying to be honest with you.  I think you'd be more upset if she springs this on you months down the road.   Instead it's only been 3 months of "dating", which IS the "getting to know each other".  And it's absolutely ok that one or both people find that they are not right for each other, or don't feel as strongly about the other during this process.  Of course, it can sting, of course, but it's not a reflection on you.  It happens.  When you meet the person who's truly right for you, you'd be surprised at how easy it is to get to know someone (it just fits). 

As for you, you don't need to stay friend or be a rebound.  You could just send a text that you'd understand and that you wished things work out different, but understand that you're both not at the same page.  A breakup (especially in the dating phase) does not need not to be contentious - you're not on the same page, no one is at fault.  Be glad of the opportunity that you got to get to know someone else, even if it didn't work out.   

Don't expect her to reach out or hang out.  Make a clean break.  She knows what she's doing  -  If she changes her mind, she knows how to reach out.  Don't analyze the reasons for the breakup or leading up to the breakup.  The reasons aren't important.  Accept it as a loss/end of the relationship, and then focus on moving on instead.  

[flitzanu]

i'd have to say i agree with the comments about not sending the whole "i'll be here if you change your mind" thing.  she doesn't want to date you, so don't give her the opportunity to stay in your life as your "friend" when that isn't what you want.  she has other people that can listen and talk to, so don't fall into that role.  

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

Okay. Obviously I disagree with your decision and it’s a shame because I enjoyed spending time  with you too, but I respect your choice. If you don’t feel the same way then it’s gone as far as it can (Bet my competitiveness in darts recently scared you off!) Anyway I’m sure things will improve for your dad as you and your family will be there for him, I’ll be thinking of you all. If you change your mind you know where I am, good luck x”

Please delete everything you wrote except what I bolded and only send that to her.  No need for any of the other stuff.

[MsJayne]

Sounds fine to me, then just end contact unless she re-initiates it.  

[ramboparrot]

4 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

When you meet the person who's truly right for you, you'd be surprised at how easy it is to get to know someone (it just fits).   

Unfortunately this is how I felt about her up until she sent that message. We both seemed to click so easily, compatible in all areas and both agreed that it felt longer than the time we spent together. She was all keen making plans, etc and made it clear to me how much we clicked. Then in the space of those two days since last seeing me she completely changed, that’s what’s confusing. It was her choice anyway and I don’t want someone in my life who doesn’t want me in theirs.

It just confuses and hurts me how close we were for it to change in what seemed like a couple of days. Part of me is wanting to eventually remove her from social media and “cut ties” so to speak, I’ve not decided yet but seems to be my emotional side speaking. For now she’s been watching my instagram stories of me being out with friends

[ramboparrot]

3 hours ago, flitzanu said:

i'd have to say i agree with the comments about not sending the whole "i'll be here if you change your mind" thing.  she doesn't want to date you, so don't give her the opportunity to stay in your life as your "friend" when that isn't what you want.  she has other people that can listen and talk to, so don't fall into that role.  

The change your mind thing was more to keep door open for dating, but yeah maybe shouldn’t have put the “if you want to talk” bit. Only reason I did was with how much she was worried about her dad, I guess I wanted to look supportive than just “oh ok cya later then”. Guess I was sort of thinking well what if she thought “if this is how he acts during my bad moments then good riddance”. I do obviously care and if it was just a straight up rejection without the dad situation I would’ve avoided saying it. Probably would’ve said “Okay, sounds good” instead

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

For now she’s been watching my instagram stories of me being out with friends

This is good for her.  It will reassure her that you're OK and living your life 

Edited September 8, 2023 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, ramboparrot said:

Then in the space of those two days since last seeing me she completely changed, that’s what’s confusing.

You might not be getting the whole story, bear in mind. 

Maybe an ex came back or another guy has been on her radar.