Married but have fallen for someone else

[glows]

Can you clarify how your wife believed you spent the entire night at work? What kind of work is this if you don’t mind me asking? Are there overnight shifts? This was the night you spent at the 20 something’s place.

It feels like your wife stopped making an effort in your marriage - she isn’t into riding your motorcycle with you, when was the last time SHE planned something for years for you such as the trip you planned for her? Can you describe a bit more the dynamics of your marriage? NO, your wife does not deserve what you’re doing to her but I’m hearing a lot of what you do for her. What does she do for you? Does she do nice things for you?

The 20 something woman makes you feel needed and wanted. It’s such a huge ego boost for lots of people to feel wanted or needed. Your wife may be too secure for that. She once WAS needing you when she was a single mother with her girls fending off the abusive father of her kids/her ex and now she’s established a realm of safety cutting him out so there’s no threat. Don’t you see how similar your wife in her 20s is to this 20s other woman? You’re just looking for the same feeling of being wanted and needed in your relationship. 

[brewhouse8990]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Can you clarify how your wife believed you spent the entire night at work? What kind of work is this if you don’t mind me asking? Are there overnight shifts? This was the night you spent at the 20 something’s place.

It feels like your wife stopped making an effort in your marriage - she isn’t into riding your motorcycle with you, when was the last time SHE planned something for years for you such as the trip you planned for her? Can you describe a bit more the dynamics of your marriage? NO, your wife does not deserve what you’re doing to her but I’m hearing a lot of what you do for her. What does she do for you? Does she do nice things for you?

The 20 something woman makes you feel needed and wanted. It’s such a huge ego boost for lots of people to feel wanted or needed. Your wife may be too secure for that. She once WAS needing you when she was a single mother with her girls fending off the abusive father of her kids/her ex and now she’s established a realm of safety cutting him out so there’s no threat. Don’t you see how similar your wife in her 20s is to this 20s other woman? You’re just looking for the same feeling of being wanted and needed in your relationship. 

Yes my work requires me to be there over night on occasion. I was originally scheduled to work that spacific night. My schedule is crazy and can change on the fly, sometimes. I was asked to change my night to a different night. I ended up with the night off. So I spent the night with her and just never told anyone that I was not going to work that night. Her hours are usually late afternoon to around midnight. So we were both on our "day off" even though it was night time. We didn't sleep at all. We just spent the night together as if it was daytime for anyone else. I left about 4am and headed home. 

So my wife does do a lot for me. She works a very demanding full time job as well. She does work from home, but it is a demanding job. She keeps me fed and does pretty much everything around the house. There is a problem with me not feeling needed or wanted a lot more than I would like. I have had these conversations with her and she just blames our busy life. Which is true, but doesnt fix the problem. We have and do so much, but I feel like it's very hollow and missing something. Hope that makes sense. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, brewhouse8990 said:

There is a problem with me not feeling needed or wanted a lot more than I would like.

This in no way justifies the lying and cheating.  

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, brewhouse8990 said:

There is a problem with me not feeling needed or wanted a lot more than I would like

 

That's not a "wife problem," that's a you problem. Do you suffer from low self-esteem or have issues with feeling desired? Why don't you address the root cause of your insecurity instead of betraying your spouse? Not trying to give you a hard time but you're making your wife pay for your personal issues. Please seek therapy and figure out healthy ways to address your feelings of inadequacy. Cheating is never the answer.

[brewhouse8990]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This in no way justifies the lying and cheating.  

I agree! I wasn't justifing it. Just answering the question. This is not something I'm proud of. Which is why I'm here chatting it out with complete strangers online. I havent told anyone of my close friends or family about any of this. It's not something I'm prepared to face with any of them. 

Edited December 1, 2023 by brewhouse8990

[glows]

38 minutes ago, brewhouse8990 said:

Yes my work requires me to be there over night on occasion. I was originally scheduled to work that spacific night. My schedule is crazy and can change on the fly, sometimes. I was asked to change my night to a different night. I ended up with the night off. So I spent the night with her and just never told anyone that I was not going to work that night. Her hours are usually late afternoon to around midnight. So we were both on our "day off" even though it was night time. We didn't sleep at all. We just spent the night together as if it was daytime for anyone else. I left about 4am and headed home. 

So my wife does do a lot for me. She works a very demanding full time job as well. She does work from home, but it is a demanding job. She keeps me fed and does pretty much everything around the house. There is a problem with me not feeling needed or wanted a lot more than I would like. I have had these conversations with her and she just blames our busy life. Which is true, but doesnt fix the problem. We have and do so much, but I feel like it's very hollow and missing something. Hope that makes sense. 

I believe S2B hit the nail on the head earlier that the more time and energy you keep allocating to this other woman the more intimate you feel with her and not your wife. You keep saying in the thread you don’t know why you can’t stop - it’s a self fulfilling issue. There’s little meaning in the life with your wife but that’s also because you stopped assigning it the same meaning as when you did early in the marriage. 

About your wife taking care of you at home and taking care of everything around the house. She’s too capable and secure and you’re taking advantage of that by sneaking around with someone else. I don’t see anything changing and your feelings getting more strong the more you keep giving into and spending time with the other woman.

I don’t think it’s healthy to keep saying you don’t know why. You do know and you’ve stopped seeing your wife the same way as the only woman in your life. You let yourself get involved with someone else. 

I wouldn’t be too sure of her forgiving you for this or the marriage surviving even if you did come clean. It seems like a bit of power control here where toeing the line gives you a rush and feeling in control of two women’s lives or having an impact on both women gets rid of that hollow feeling inside. Fills it up with something like adrenaline and power over feeling powerless about the empty feeling inside. 
 

 

 

Edited December 1, 2023 by glows

[S2B]

Maybe you think it’s worth the risk because you don’t understand the pain your wife will feel when she finds out. 
 

start helping more around the house if you don’t feel important when you’re there.

the OW feeds your ego. I can tell you 1000% this is what will ruin your life as you know it. 

[NuevoYorko]

22 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Both are clearly aware of what they are doing… and neither feels particularly responsible or concerned about his wife. 

Just run of the mill people who only care about their own "feels" and / or getting their rocks off.   I think a great majority of cheaters fit this mold.  There's not much to talk about really, it's sad, sordid, and there's probably only one person who will come out okay - the young woman.  Simply because she's young and can possibly learn from this and take it forward into her future.

 

[Weezy1973]

A but late to this thread but a couple things:

1. Just because you’ve found yourself attracted to another woman doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your marriage. That’s a bit of a myth. You weren’t searching for something; you just met a woman pretty randomly. Your problem was you didn’t protect your marriage with solid boundaries. And likely because you never thought you could be “that guy”. 
 

2. Your marriage is great - not perfect of course - but great. When someone cheats (and yes, you’re having an emotional affair, which FYI your wife will be way more concerned about than had it been just a physical fling), they rewrite history trying to blame a bad marriage, and that’s what you’re trying to do here. 
 

3. The fix is exploring your core values and deciding what kind of person you want to be. And then making that choice. Often it’s the harder road, which I think in this case means coming clean to your wife about everything and cutting off the girl honestly too (I.e telling her you need to end the “friendship” forever). 

[Alpacalia]

Indeed, I mean, your main question is, and I quote, "I have given serious thought to just sitting her down and telling her how I feel. I feel like this is the only way to make progress. Any advise is much appreciated." You're seeking advice on how to move forward with having an affair with a woman you are intimately interested in while also being married.

Of course, you can't help the way you feel, it is what it is but you're going to end up emotionally exhausted and stressed when you find yourself constantly hiding and covering up your actions. Aside from it being a grave injustice to your wife and family, consider the negative impact on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

People in relationships often fall into the trap of complacent behavior and find themselves in the pursuit of something new and exciting. But remember, lust is a fleeting feeling that often blinds people from the consequences of their actions.

That being said, if you are truly unhappy in your marriage and are no longer committed to it, then have the courage to end it before starting anything with this other woman. It may be a difficult and painful process, but it is the right thing to do. And once you are single, then you can explore new relationships without any guilt or infidelity.

[mark clemson]

On 11/30/2023 at 4:33 AM, brewhouse8990 said:

We had a conversation the other day about our "friendship" and how I'm keeping it from my wife. It's strange to me. She doesn't want to stop hanging out with me, and is willing to sneak around with me. She said this herself. Still nothing inappropriate has happened, other than the not being honest part. I stayed overnight with her at her place a few days ago. We stayed up all night talking playing games and watching movies. It was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Everyone else thought I was at work that night. I'm not sure where any of this is going. Not too sure of anything at all to be honest. I know I'm more than likely screwing up, but I keep doing it.

I mean, come on, you know exactly where this is going if you keep it up.

IF your wife were to find out - a) she is unlikely to believe you that nothing sexual happened that night and b) even if she does it may not matter as some good portion of women find these emotional connection/bonding things as important or even more important (and thus more of a betrayal) than physical sex.

The OW enjoys having you, clearly. You are a new BF to her, not overly demanding and the fact it's an affair may add a little extra excitement for her. This is not uncommon. IF this continues she may well want you for her own. And maybe you want that, dunno.

Some would call this "rescuing from abuse" thing white-knighting and see it as something you to do your own detriment. Dunno, everyone's different maybe you're ok with it, but be aware that some would point to this as potentially an issue with you.

 

16 hours ago, brewhouse8990 said:

 She does work from home, but it is a demanding job. She keeps me fed and does pretty much everything around the house. There is a problem with me not feeling needed or wanted a lot more than I would like. I have had these conversations with her and she just blames our busy life. Which is true, but doesnt fix the problem. We have and do so much, but I feel like it's very hollow and missing something. Hope that makes sense. 

Like some above, I was also getting the sense that there were issues/loneliness in your marriage. For some "cheaters" in fact if there was a stronger bond between the spouses they would have little interest in cheating. The attention etc you get from the OW is a sort of "emotional salve" for your loneliness.

You COULD make a decision to end the affair and work hard to reinvest in your marriage. Maybe that would pay off and you'd be happy. It's something you should at least consider.

You might consider looking into insecure attachment style and insecure with avoidant marriages. I get the sense you may have an insecure attachment style and your wife may be avoidant. Dunno, that's just a guess. (Mild) insecure paired with (mild) avoidant relationships can and often do work LT, but they tend to be a bit rocky as the level of "connection" the avoidant partner is most comfortable with often isn't quite enough for the insecure-style one. So, this can create a feeling of lonliness, etc.

Consider trying to ensure you're having sex regularly e.g. at least once a week. As a male, this can do a lot to boost your satisfaction with the relationship (at least for many men). Some women stop the sex due to less interest on their part, but IMO this is another factor that can slowly damage some relationships and the bond between the couple. Assuming there's an issue there and you try to "rekindle" things, you do have a "responsibility" to make sure she is enjoying the sex as well, so she doesn't experience it as "yet another chore" or similar.

Edited December 1, 2023 by mark clemson

[NuevoYorko]

OP:  What are you looking for here?  Seems as if you are just sharing the tale of your unfolding affair which you are already embarking upon.  Do you have a question?

[BaileyB]

On 11/30/2023 at 7:49 PM, brewhouse8990 said:

This is not something I'm proud of.

If you are not proud of it - change it. Make a different decision. 

I appreciate your honesty… But, in all seriousness, it’s pretty ridiculous to say that you are not proud of your own behavior when you have the ability to make a different decision and you fail to do so. 

It’s as simple as telling this woman that you are married and unable to see her or communicate with her unless your wife is present. The end. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 11/30/2023 at 5:39 PM, brewhouse8990 said:

Yes my work requires me to be there over night on occasion. I was originally scheduled to work that spacific night. My schedule is crazy and can change on the fly, sometimes. I was asked to change my night to a different night. I ended up with the night off. So I spent the night with her and just never told anyone that I was not going to work that night. Her hours are usually late afternoon to around midnight. So we were both on our "day off" even though it was night time. We didn't sleep at all. We just spent the night together as if it was daytime for anyone else. I left about 4am and headed home. 

So my wife does do a lot for me. She works a very demanding full time job as well. She does work from home, but it is a demanding job. She keeps me fed and does pretty much everything around the house. There is a problem with me not feeling needed or wanted a lot more than I would like. I have had these conversations with her and she just blames our busy life. Which is true, but doesnt fix the problem. We have and do so much, but I feel like it's very hollow and missing something. Hope that makes sense. 

I think your wife is a whole lot smarter than you think she is. She's hanging out, not minding the sex and racking up max alimony via her years of service to you. Come on, she knows what's going on. You have that glow you had with her, long ago, there's no hiding that.

Meanwhile Little Girl knows if she strokes Daddy's ego, that emotional support and paying for things will grow, especially of the ex grows magically more abusive in the telling. And she doesn't even have to sleep with you!

You think you're smarter than your dutiful wife and smarter than this girl a little more than half your age. The way it looks from here? Nope and nope.

Little Girl will wind up with plenty of gifts from you. Dutiful Wife will get a butt load of alimony AND half assets.

You'll get your memories.

I'm not being bitter saying all this, I'm being smart. So are your two women.

 

Edited December 7, 2023 by CaliforniaGirl

[brewhouse8990]

Hello everyone. Just wanted to give a little update. Hope everyone had a great Christmas, or whatever you may celebrate this time of year. And a Happy New Year! This will likely be my last post on this topic. Thanks for all the brutal honesty and allowing me to talk (type out) my problems with you all. Ill try to make this as short as possible. 

Shortly after my last post on here, I finally broke down and had a long conversation with one of my closest friends about everything that is going on. He is who I met this other girl through. He was just as shocked as I suspected he would be. He's like a brother to me and my wife. He was also pretty upset that I fell like I did for her. He claims that she's not worth it, and uses people for anything and everything she can. She also loves to play victim and get sympathy from anyone and everyone. He's known her for a long time. He also kind of fell into her trap years ago.

So my next step was to have a conversation with my wife. While I didn't come completely clean, I told her about how I was craving more than what we were putting out, but also admitted that quite a lot of it was my fault as well. We both took some time off of work and have had an amazing few weeks together. Hopefully this is the beginning of healing our relationship. We have lived such busy lives lately that we dont communicate well enough with each other. She is an amazing woman and I really do love her and it hurts me that I let it get this far before making a valiant effort to fix it. 

My next step was a conversation with the other girl. It actually took me longer than I expected to tie her down long enough to have a conversation. It was something I needed to do in person. Trying not to make the story too long, but ultimately I caught her in several lies and found out she was doing the same stuff with at least 2 other guys. Those other 2 being closer to her age and not married, but none the less. She is now planning on moving in with one of those guys. They apparently have been dating about a week. Pretty convenient to all of a sudden find a guy who you can move in with a month before your lease ends. Anyway, I wished her the best and told her I was going to give her space, so that I could fix my relationship and she could work on her new one. She hasn't texted or called me in a couple of weeks now. This is the longest we've gone without speaking in a while. It's tougher than I expected. I do miss her. Even though I know she is not good for me. I'm hoping that will pass with time. Ultimately she was a fun person to be around and I will miss our time together. I just hope that I can stay strong enough for when things start to go south for her in this new relationship. Because I know she's going to reach out. Thanks again everyone and wish me luck in all of this!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, brewhouse8990 said:

I just hope that I can stay strong enough for when things start to go south for her in this new relationship. 

You made the right decision to no longer be played for a fool and give your wife and marriage what they deserve. Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps .  Why wait around?

[IrinaM]

On 9/6/2023 at 5:05 AM, brewhouse8990 said:

She also is willing to keep things from my wife. She likes to ride on my motorcycle with me, and I told her she couldnt tell my wife. She agreed and never has said anything.

Ya'll are already in an emotional affair.

Imho, stop looking for the problems in your marriage. I'm not saying that your marriage is good or bad; I'm saying that's not what this is about. You met a young beautiful woman with a sparkling personality and you fancy her. That's fine, and it's important to recognize this is normal. But because you haven't instituted good boundaries, this initial attraction has escalated.

Examples of good boundaries:

"I'm married, so I don't need to call or text an attractive woman twenty years younger than me. If see or think of something she might find funny or interesting, that doesn't mean I need to contact her."

"I'm married, so I don't need to arrange private one-on-one social meetups with an attractive woman twenty years younger than me."

"Asking someone else to keep our meetings secret from my wife is completely inappropriate."

I hope this is helpful.