Disrespectful boyfriend flirting with girl at bar

[beyondcrushed]

My bf (42) and I (47) have been dating for five years.  We went with friends to a community bbq and then dancing at the community hall.  My bf and his friend (the husband of our couple friends) were extending kind words to the daughter (25) of an acquaintance who's dying. The daughter is attractive and is a flirt. 

Later at the hall, the daughter was a bartender.  My very drunk bf spent quite a while talking to her at the bar.  When I walked up to them, he introduced me to her brother at the bar but didn't introduce me to her. I felt uncomfortable with his behaviour.  I left and watched him close by.  He looked at the daughter for a while (not talking) -- he was admiring her. Utterly upset,  by his flirting and attention to her, I asked to speak to him outside.   I told him his behaviour is a real problem.  He immediately minimized his actions.  He professed that it wasn't like that.  He said he felt bad for the daughter and son who's father is dying and wanted to talk to them.  (I am not sure what he could possibly be saying to them in a noisy, crowded place and the fact he already spoken to them at the bbq.)

After we went back in, he danced with us and didn't go near her.  The daughter also controlled the music.  She was standoffish with my girlfriends who requested songs so we asked my bf to help.  He comes back and tells me he has to dance with the daughter just this once to get the songs changed.  The daughter told him that that was the deal.  He then puts on a slow song, and he starts to dance with her.   She has on an off-the-shoulder sundress with cowboy boots (which i recall is an outfit I've worn years ago that he thought was sexy on me).  I immediately storm out and my friend had to tell him to go to me. I lose my cool and yell at him telling him he knows how I feel yet he goes and dances with her.  I am very upset,  he acts flabbergasted and doesn't know how to deal with this and goes back into the hall.  I leave with my friend. She goes back get him and rest of our friends.  She saw him and two scantily dressed girls talking with him. He didn't want to leave and didn't want the party to be over.

He finally left and came to talk to me. He minimized and deflected, saying he thought the daughter looks more like a guy and doesn't think of her that way. That he was just trying to get the songs changed cause we asked him to. He said he loves me. I told him I didn't care about his intentions. I said his actions hurt me deeply and he disrespected me so much that I don't know if I can be with him.  I said he may love me but his actions are far from it.

I noticed on two previous occasions over the last few years, when he was very drunk, him speaking to young women at a bar with the same demeaner as with the daughter but I thought it was innocent.  

After the community hall blow out, I told him that I will no longer put up with his disrespect and him flirting with women and will break up with him.  So far, he is trying and has been respectful and patient.   He professes his love for me which means nothing if he treats me poorly.   

Do you think I overreacted at the community hall and he wasn't flirting or crossing the line?

Also, can he respect me while I'm in the relationship by calling him out on any disrespect and not accepting it?  Or do I need to break it off the next time it happens?  

 

Edited September 5, 2023 by beyondcrushed

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Is he generally sort of a ladies man or does he have problems controlling his drinking? He seems to make a fool of himself when drinking. 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, beyondcrushed said:

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Do you think I overreacted at the community hall and he wasn't flirting or crossing the line?

No, not really.  It was clear he was highly smitten by the 25 year old and her with him.  It's clear he wanted to spend more time there with her and would have been perfectly happy with your leaving and going home so he could do just that.    Personally, he when he looked for me I'd have left him there.  If he does this in front of you, you can only imagine how he acts around a young chick when you're not around.

Quote

Also, can he respect me while I'm in the relationship by calling him out on any disrespect and not accepting it?  Or do I need to break it off the next time it happens?  

I would hope he respects that you stand up for yourself but only he can answer that question.  You already said he's done this or smiliar before so how many chances does he get before you get it.

 

Edited September 5, 2023 by stillafool

[SlimShadysWife]

Break up with him like now.

If he's ok with doing that infront of your face, again after he knew how it made you feel the first time, who knows what he does behind your back.

He's easy...sees a pretty woman and loses all his cool. Pretty pathetic, weak behaviour on his part you deserve better.

[beyondcrushed]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Is he generally sort of a ladies man or does he have problems controlling his drinking? He seems to make a fool of himself when drinking. 

When we go out and he intends to get drunk, then he has problems with his drinking. When he's really drunk, he can be rude, disrespectful, not aware of how he impacts others,  can be out of control and belligerent.

He is not a ladies man but notices and chats them up when he's drunk, it seems.  Day to day, when he's sober, he doesn't cross any lines with other women. 

[beyondcrushed]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

"It's clear he wanted to spend more time there with her and would have been perfectly happy with your leaving and going home so he could do just that."  I think you are right, he would of been happy with me leaving for the night so he could spend more time with her, unfortunately. 

 

[beyondcrushed]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I would hope he respects that you stand up for yourself but only he can answer that question.  You already said he's done this or smiliar before so how many chances does he get before you get it.

Thanks. Maybe I will give him a few months and call him out if he continues. Then I break it off.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, beyondcrushed said:

. When he's really drunk, he can be rude, disrespectful, not aware of how he impacts others,  can be out of control and belligerent.

Unfortunately he's a problem drinker and you've given him too many chances already.  Sadly problem drinkers don't think they're the problem and worse being with a problem drinker enables them and that denial.

Please seek help and support try to extricate yourself from this:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[beyondcrushed]

35 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

Break up with him like now.

If he's ok with doing that infront of your face, again after he knew how it made you feel the first time, who knows what he does behind your back.

He's easy...sees a pretty woman and loses all his cool. Pretty pathetic, weak behaviour on his part you deserve better.

True, what would he do behind my back.  He has a lot of self-loathing and every action or word he speaks is to boost his ego.  He loves to be the centre of attention and is charming.  He talks a lot and brings people together.  I think flirting and getting attention from pretty young women is a huge ego boost.  Especially when he knows he has me and I'm not new to him anymore.   

[glows]

I guess this depends on your tolerance level for being social or flirting. Women flirt too and it depends on their partners what that comfort level is like. Not everyone has strict rules against socializing and flirting here and there in committed relationships. 

The real issue seems to be not being on the same wavelength about what’s acceptable in your relationship.

Im curious why you believe he’d rather spend time with her - I do see you’re deeply hurt. It sounds more like he freaked out and didn’t want to be around you when you were so extremely angry. He went back in to get away from that. People don’t respond well to anger and often fight or flight. He choose to flee from you. 

Expressing such anger usually doesn’t work well imo…I’ve done that before and all it causes is the other person to want to avoid you. He knows you’re angry. I think this involves your whole dynamic and understanding why he’s different while drinking and why he’s trying to avoid you. How is your relationship in other areas aside from these situations? Is he meek and agreeable to anything you ask or propose? What’s the dynamic like?

[beyondcrushed]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he's a problem drinker and you've given him too many chances already.  Sadly problem drinkers don't think they're the problem and worse being with a problem drinker enables them and that denial.

Please seek help and support try to extricate yourself from this:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Is it problem drinking because of how it impacts him when he's drunk?  He is not an alcoholic.  He is not dependant on it and he can control how much he drinks.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, beyondcrushed said:

Is it problem drinking because of how it impacts him when he's drunk?  

Because of how it impacts You.  

[beyondcrushed]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

I guess this depends on your tolerance level for being social or flirting. Women flirt too and it depends on their partners what that comfort level is like. Not everyone has strict rules against socializing and flirting here and there in committed relationships. 

The real issue seems to be not being on the same wavelength about what’s acceptable in your relationship.

Im curious why you believe he’d rather spend time with her - I do see you’re deeply hurt. It sounds more like he freaked out and didn’t want to be around you when you were so extremely angry. He went back in to get away from that. People don’t respond well to anger and often fight or flight. He choose to flee from you. 

Expressing such anger usually doesn’t work well imo…I’ve done that before and all it causes is the other person to want to avoid you. He knows you’re angry. I think this involves your whole dynamic and understanding why he’s different while drinking and why he’s trying to avoid you. How is your relationship in other areas aside from these situations? Is he meek and agreeable to anything you ask or propose? What’s the dynamic like?

True, for me, in relationships flirting is a big no-go especially while neglecting me. Joking around with women as friends is fine.  Flirting, nope. 

I think its true, he likely fled cause of my anger.  I also think he'd rather spend time there with her or other women, because when my friend went back to get him, he was talking to two women and didn't want to leave.  

He is not meek at all. He has no problem pushing back hard if he doesn't want to do something.  He has also agreed to my requests.

When drunk he is also looser, jovial, and wants to have a good time with his buddies.  When I've approached him in the past while drunk, he speaks disrespectfully to me esp. in front of friends.  He is a chauvinist and wants to be seen as mans man which I believe drives his behaviour.  

 

 

Edited September 5, 2023 by beyondcrushed

[beyondcrushed]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Because of how it impacts You.  

ah yes. thank you.

[Alpacalia]

You can show that it doesn't phase you and then go flirt back with someone else - this might send a clear message to him that you won't tolerate his behavior. Nah, just break it off. It's his responsibility to treat you better, and if he can't do that consistently, you have no other choice than to put an end to it. It's not your responsibility to teach him how to respect you, it's his responsibility to recognize that.

People say we teach others how to treat us. But, it's only if they really care.

This has happened numerous times now. I would say it's more a part of his character than something he will change. And do you want to be the girlfriend that always needs to lecture him? I think he's just a flirt and that's not necessarily bad in itself, but it's causing problems in your relationship.

Edited September 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

9 hours ago, beyondcrushed said:

True, for me, in relationships flirting is a big no-go especially while neglecting me. Joking around with women as friends is fine.  Flirting, nope. 

I think its true, he likely fled cause of my anger.  I also think he'd rather spend time there with her or other women, because when my friend went back to get him, he was talking to two women and didn't want to leave.  

He is not meek at all. He has no problem pushing back hard if he doesn't want to do something.  He has also agreed to my requests.

When drunk he is also looser, jovial, and wants to have a good time with his buddies.  When I've approached him in the past while drunk, he speaks disrespectfully to me esp. in front of friends.  He is a chauvinist and wants to be seen as mans man which I believe drives his behaviour.  

 

 

The main qs I would be asking myself here are… Am I even attracted to such a person and Do I see a future with him.

Are there any other issues in the rl? Do you live together? He acts like a person trapped in a relationship he resents. There seems to be so much more under the surface. Letting loose and being disrespectful to you while drinking is his way of pushing back. Maybe you sense this and feel very insecure because you know this is more than just him acting out on a night out. Does being in a relationship with you emasculate him or make him feel like less of man? So much so that he has to act foolish and be “chauvinistic” while in public? I don’t know what his problem is but am also sensing he’s deeply insecure with himself. 

Your main fear is he doesn’t want to be with you (prefers other women or his freedom). It’s a cycle of individual insecurity perpetuating insecurity in each other and arguments and a roller coaster. Things aren’t ever stable. So.. again, are you still attracted to someone like this and do you see a future with him?

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, beyondcrushed said:

Is it problem drinking because of how it impacts him when he's drunk?  He is not an alcoholic.  He is not dependant on it and he can control how much he drinks.

But he can't control his behaviour when drunk and that's a problem.

A big problem.

Unless he quits drinking then this issue is never going away.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, beyondcrushed said:

Do you think I overreacted at the community hall and he wasn't flirting or crossing the line?

He was flirting, so I don't think you are over-reacting to that in and of itself. 

However, I don't think you handled this well, etiher. Storming out, sending a friend after him, yelling at him - this is high school stuff.  I would have made my feelings clear without the dramatics in public. 

You two need to sit down sober and calmly discuss all of this. 

[beyondcrushed]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

But he can't control his behaviour when drunk and that's a problem.

A big problem.

Unless he quits drinking then this issue is never going away.

 

Looking back, this rings true. I will talk with him.

[beyondcrushed]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He was flirting, so I don't think you are over-reacting to that in and of itself. 

However, I don't think you handled this well, etiher. Storming out, sending a friend after him, yelling at him - this is high school stuff.  I would have made my feelings clear without the dramatics in public. 

You two need to sit down sober and calmly discuss all of this. 

I agree, looking back I know I could of handled it 100x better. Ugh. Yes calm conversation is better.  

[beyondcrushed]

6 hours ago, glows said:

The main qs I would be asking myself here are… Am I even attracted to such a person and Do I see a future with him.

Are there any other issues in the rl? Do you live together? He acts like a person trapped in a relationship he resents. There seems to be so much more under the surface. Letting loose and being disrespectful to you while drinking is his way of pushing back. Maybe you sense this and feel very insecure because you know this is more than just him acting out on a night out. Does being in a relationship with you emasculate him or make him feel like less of man? So much so that he has to act foolish and be “chauvinistic” while in public? I don’t know what his problem is but am also sensing he’s deeply insecure with himself. 

Your main fear is he doesn’t want to be with you (prefers other women or his freedom). It’s a cycle of individual insecurity perpetuating insecurity in each other and arguments and a roller coaster. Things aren’t ever stable. So.. again, are you still attracted to someone like this and do you see a future with him?

There are some beefs we both have in the rl but we haven't been open about them, until this flirting event.  We need to talk more for sure, and now there are some things to hash out.  Sadly, some of our issues may not make us compatible or have a future together:(