LWelter Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 Hello, My head has been a mess since breaking up with a girl I was seeing and so I've decided to come on here for support and guidance. I was seeing this girl for around 3 months. Things had been up and down. On one hand, I felt comfortable around her, felt excited any time I would go to see her, and there was certainly chemistry between us. We had started to become close. On the other hand, she is someone with a hard exterior, who seems to have difficulty showing much warmth. I have struggled to some extent with social anxiety throughout my life. Following an afternoon spent meeting her friends, in which I made an effort to speak to everyone but was inevitably shy, she referred to me as a "shrinking violet" when we got home. I let her know I did not appreciate the comment, and she then made the same comment again later that evening. A couple of weeks later, after she had returned from vacation, she showed no warmth whatsoever despite us messaging every day while she was away and speaking on the phone. Regrettably, I lost my cool that evening, and said a few choice words about the way I felt she spoke to me, and that while she might speak to some of her family that way, she couldn't speak to me in the same manner. She then broke off the relationship. I have been struggling a lot since, and sending stupid drunken messages. On one hand, I miss spending time with her a lot, as she was the first person in a long time I've felt genuine chemistry and attachment with. On the other hand, I still feel angry about some of the comments she made. I've been caught between telling her I miss her, and getting angry with her over messages describing why her comments were so hurtful. I'm now in a place where I feel anxious, depressed and almost completely unable to focus. Any thoughts or guidance on the situation would be appreciated.
Wiseman2 Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 4 minutes ago, LWelter said: I have been struggling a lot since, and sending stupid drunken messages. Sorry this is happening. What did she say to you? It seems you're incompatible as far as socializing and communication. Perhaps you dodged a bullet? Stay no contact. Sorry this didn't end well.
Author LWelter Posted September 4, 2023 Author Posted September 4, 2023 She said that she didn't think we would work long term. We had some great days out together and had planned a long weekend a way until the breakup. I think I'm struggling with the manner of the breakup and the aftermath, and find myself really missing her company
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 3 hours ago, LWelter said: I lost my cool that evening, and said a few choice words about the way I felt she spoke to me What did you say?
Author LWelter Posted September 4, 2023 Author Posted September 4, 2023 It was a bit of a red mist, but the worst of it that I said "you might speak to your parents like that but you don't speak to me like that". This was in reference to the fact that she speaks to her parents like a pubescent adolescent, despite them being very generous to her. To be honest though, I felt very bad for loosing my cool and saying those things. I'm not in the habit of getting angrey, and I regretted that we finished on a fight. I haven't seen her since and it's difficult that it had to finish that way.
Alpacalia Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 (edited) I had to look up that term "shrinking violet." Not heard it before. In any case, it cut deep to you, and that it was unpleasant for you. So, you did the right thing in speaking up for yourself. It's hard to break off a relationship, especially one you had chemistry and attachment with. But, it sounds like there were some issues with the way you both interacted that made it difficult to continue. It's not cool that she dismissed her comments. Obviously whatever you said to her was out of frustration, and she wasn't having it so she ended the relationship. Edited September 4, 2023 by Alpacalia
Author LWelter Posted September 4, 2023 Author Posted September 4, 2023 It was in reference to the fact that I became shy around her friends. I'm generally not very shy why I'm comfortable with and get to know a person, but meeting a group of people who have known eachother for years is a bit stressful. I felt she showed a real lack of empathy. 1
MsJayne Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 Three months, (approx) seems to be the magic point at which people in new relationships either move forward to a stronger bond or one party isn't feeling it and decides to end it. It can be horrible for the person who gets dumped because by that three-month mark they've usually formed a strong emotional attachment and tend to assume the other person feels the same way. If I was you I wouldn't worry at all about telling her what you thought of her rudeness. The way you describe her interactions with her parents - (rude, disrespectful), should tell you all you need to know about her - she sounds like a spoiled Daddy's Girl , in which case being told a couple of unpleasant truths is probably just what she needs. You're missing her company at the moment, but one month from now you'll be fine. Best thing you could do is block her on all platforms and then delete her so you're not tempted to send pleading messages. 1
Alpacalia Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 3 hours ago, LWelter said: It was in reference to the fact that I became shy around her friends. I'm generally not very shy why I'm comfortable with and get to know a person, but meeting a group of people who have known eachother for years is a bit stressful. I felt she showed a real lack of empathy. What did she expect you to do, entertain them? It’s really not fair to expect someone to easily take on a group of people they don’t know. It would make me feel self-conscious and embarrassed and like my partner thought I had to put on a bit of a show for their friends. It's really unfair and unkind to put those expectations on someone, especially because it can be such a vulnerable position to be in.
basil67 Posted September 5, 2023 Posted September 5, 2023 (edited) 7 hours ago, LWelter said: It was a bit of a red mist, but the worst of it that I said "you might speak to your parents like that but you don't speak to me like that". This was in reference to the fact that she speaks to her parents like a pubescent adolescent, despite them being very generous to her. To be honest though, I felt very bad for loosing my cool and saying those things. I'm not in the habit of getting angrey, and I regretted that we finished on a fight. I haven't seen her since and it's difficult that it had to finish that way. You very much over reacted. A shrinking violet is someone who's a bit shy and hangs in the background. While she certainly could have chosen better ways to describe you, it's not a terrible insult and certainly isn't bad enough to warrant losing your temper or attacking her over the way she speaks to her parents. A better response would have been "yeah, it's hard when I'm in a group where I don't know anyone, but gets much easier as I get to know them". The way she speaks to her parents may be a red flag, but it was not OK to attack her with this when it's so off topic Given this is so early in the relationship, your words and loss of temper would have given me pause too. Edited September 5, 2023 by basil67
ShyViolet Posted September 5, 2023 Posted September 5, 2023 First of all, you seriously need to stop texting her, and stop all attempts to contact her. That is just cringey at this point. The girl broke up with you and was clearly not as into you as you were into her. It sounds like it was a bit of a one-sided relationship. She ended it and that was for the best. You and her weren't compatible and she just wasn't that into you. There is nothing left to do but move on. It is okay that you're struggling with it. That is normal after a breakup and it won't last forever. You can feel these feelings but it doesn't mean that it's a sign you should contact her.
JTSW Posted September 5, 2023 Posted September 5, 2023 You really need to learn to grow a thicker skin if you want your relationships to last. Yeah she sounds a bit nasty but you overreacted a bit in my opinion. When you argue with a SO then some choice words are going to be said in the heat of the moment that are not meant. You need to learn to not let it get to you. You need to gain some confidence in yourself.
Author LWelter Posted September 5, 2023 Author Posted September 5, 2023 To be honest it was the tip of the iceberg. I didn't overreact at the time, I simply told her I didn't appreciate the comment. She the proceeded to say it again later that evening. It reached boiling point when I didn't get a hello after she returned from vacation, when we hadn't seen each other all week. I think if I didn't have any confidence in myself, I would have let everything slide, but I called her out. Maybe that was her idea of humour, but the ironic thing is that she can't take a joke at her expense. I'm a fairly calm person and hadn't gotten angry like that in years, but everyone has their limits.
Lubecke Posted September 18, 2023 Posted September 18, 2023 I say definitely take a step back and gather support from friends and family. This girl doesn’t seem very good for you, clearly she doesn’t know what she wants. Stay NC and focus on your healing. we are here to support you, so if you need anything or just need to come here to vent, do so. Do what feels best and right for you.
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