Am I wrong in thinking my FWB behavior isn't acceptable? UPDATED)

[lovetherain]

To make it shorter, I've had my friends with benefits for 4 months, we both agreed not looking for anything serious. We see each other about weekly sometimes several times a week. We talk almost everyday. We used to talk once or twice a week, and we saw each other less - which either way is fine. but he has reminded me several times it is not soley physical and he enjoys me as a person.

But the other day he opened up told me he was nervous to take me out [we have been out several times but do hangout a lot at my house] because the first date which was 4 months ago [i didn't know it was a date i thought we were just hanging out. but i accidentally got drunk bc i didn't eat dinner] i was talking to everyone including other men [he didn't realize it was my personality] so he said he prefers coming to my house because we bond better and he likes it vs being out and me talking to other people. we had an entire discussion and i didn't realize how he felt -i mean i did apologize

then he also met my best friend and he was so nervous about meeting her and her husband and my other friends he kinda freaked out for an hour beforehand wanting to make sure he made a good impression and wore the right thing etc, and then a week later asked me what they thought. i dont get why he needs their approval?

am i overthinking? it bothers me he seems to want me to himself kinda thing which isn't right.  he isnt looking for a girlfriend! I previously had feelings for him and he maintained wanting nothing serious. i let go of my feelings awhile ago, but his behavior is bothering me

Edited December 11, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, lovetherain said:

he isn’t looking for a girlfriend!

Are you sure about that?

It does kind-of sound like he’s interested. He’s doing all the things a boyfriend would do - frequent communication, wanting to make a good impression with your friends, he doesn’t like when you talk with other men. 

Based on your post, I would have said it sounds like he is interested in dating and you are not. 

 

Edited September 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[aleidig]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Are you sure about that?

It does kind-of sound like he’s interested. He’s doing all the things a boyfriend would do - frequent communication, wanting to make a good impression with your friends, he doesn’t like when you talk with other men. 

Based on your post, I would have said it sounds like he is interested in dating and you are not. 

 

No he isn’t.

 

I previously had feelings for him and we had this discussion, and he still said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now that’s why his behavior is fairly annoying because I don’t think he should be acting like that then

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, lovetherain said:

 so he said he prefers coming to my house because we bond better and he likes it vs being out 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately FWB arrangements are nebulous situationships in which eventually there can be misunderstandings about "what this is?". 

In this case you're exclusive but he refuses to take you on dates or treat you like a GF. Not because he's jealous, because it's easy, lazy, cheap and convenient and you allow it.

It doesn't seem like you're happy with the situation and hope to be treated better as in a relationship. 

Consider cutting your losses before there's more headaches and heartaches.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, lovetherain said:

it bothers me he seems to want me to himself kinda thing which isn't right

I wouldn't necessarily assume that. If you'd been drinking too much and chatting up everyone around you the one night you two did go out, he might have just been rather annoyed and not interested in a repeat. 

17 minutes ago, lovetherain said:

i dont get why he needs their approval?

He just sounds a bit insecure to me. He could also be wondering why you wanted him to meet your best friend when you two are not dating. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, aleidig said:

No he isn’t.

 

I previously had feelings for him and we had this discussion, and he still said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now that’s why his behavior is fairly annoying because I don’t think he should be acting like that then

Wait, who are you? 

Are you also @lovetherain?

[Weezy1973]

Are you dating anybody else? If you told him you wanted to, would that be okay?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, aleidig said:

I previously had feelings for him and we had this discussion, and he still said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now 

Is this the same man?:

 

[stillafool]

50 minutes ago, aleidig said:

No he isn’t.

 

I previously had feelings for him and we had this discussion, and he still said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now that’s why his behavior is fairly annoying because I don’t think he should be acting like that then

I don't understand, if you think he's crossing the lines of your FWB set up and now wants a relationship, but you don't, why not end it if it's annoying you?

[Alpacalia]

You've fallen into the trap many do when they settle for being in a friends with benefits situation - confused feelings. He can be jealous all he wants but that doesn't mean you have to change who you are or put up with him wanting to keep you to himself.

Whether he is jealous or not doesn't seem to matter in the long run - what does matter is the fact that he said that he isn't looking for anything serious. You don't have to like it (him not wanting a serious relationship), but you do have to accept it.

If you can't do so, then it's best to end the relationship.

Edited September 4, 2023 by Alpacalia

[IrinaM]

I seriously doubt the reason he doesn't take you out on dates is due to jealousy and insecurity. The most obvious explanation is that he doesn't feel like it, and he doesn't need to. Reconsider this relationship- it's not good for you.

[basil67]

I think you're the one making bad choices.  He's a FWB who says he doesn't want a relationship, yet here you are introducing him to your friends and family and treating him like a boyfriend.   And then his brain goes weird.

If you stop doing relationship things with him (no dates, no meeting of your people, no daily contact) he won't need to overthink stuff and it will be just simple FWB.   Just hookup when one of you feels the itch.

And of course he doesn't take you on dates.  You say your "personality" to talk with other guys when you get drunk.  An apology doesn't remove the fact that this is how you behave after a few too many.  

Edited September 5, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

Can you explain a bit more what is bothering you? The part about him wanting you to himself. Is it specifically the boring dates spent at home as opposed to going out and enjoying yourselves at different venues? 

I feel like the crux of what annoys you got lost in the whole post. 

If you tire of the at home dates and his idea of “bonding” tell him you’d like to do more and have a companion/friend to go out with as well. Rearrange the terms of your fwb agreement. Ask him what he thinks if this means a lot to you. At this time you both don’t seem on the same wavelength in regards to going out, enjoying yourselves and having the same mindset when it comes to chatting with others. So what if you like to flirt after a few drinks? You want an fwb or friends around you who accept you for you. This is not a relationship so stop letting him bog you down.

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, lovetherain said:

But the other day he opened up told me he was nervous to take me out [we have been out several times but do hangout a lot at my house] because the first date which was 4 months ago [i didn't know it was a date i thought we were just hanging out. but i accidentally got drunk bc i didn't eat dinner] i was talking to everyone including other men [he didn't realize it was my personality] so he said he prefers coming to my house because we bond better and he likes it vs being out and me talking to other people.

I don't think he was being unreasonable about this at all.  When you go out with someone, and then you spend much of the night getting drunk and talking to other people, that is rude.  He doesn't want to go through that again because you were behaving very rudely and ignoring him for half the night basically.

[JTSW]

I don't know what this guys end game is, but he messes with your head too much.

Your previous post he was acting like a bf, doing everything a bf does but didn't want the bf label.

In that post you were going to put some distance between you, but it went the opposite way where you now spend more time together.

You need to be straight with him that he is not your bf so he can't tell you not to talk to other guys and that his behaviour bothers you.

He wants the bf role without the label and that can't work in a FWB situation.

He doesn't get a say in what you do.

[Rachel R]

First, I know that feelings with FWB isn't good. Didn't plan on it. Don't have to attack me I get it lol, we are both being adults about it,

I've had a FWB now for 2 years, when we met I wasn't looking for something, we both were OK with FWB. I actually didn't overly like him too much at first, then once we became acquainted I did. I felt at ease with him, we had so much fun. Months in I developed feelings, I was honest with him and I took a break. Honestly don't think he really cared, he was pretty nonchalant about it, making jokes etc. Of course I came back, then that lasted a bit before I couldn't do it anymore but I was ok being friends. I told him bye and I ended up entering a relationship, I did not talk to him much during my relationship and we did not hangout [my relationship sucked I got cheated on repeatedly], but I had a few moments of crisis and he was the person I called, and he was there to console me on the phone. There were many moments when I missed him. But previously when I'd take breaks from him, I KNEW he didn't like me back and i'd re-center myself. This time is different.

After I left that relationship when I found about the cheating, we started seeing each other again. That was about 8 months I took off. I grew up a lot during this time though, and felt so much more grounded. I could feel the true joy in how happy he was to see me again, and we went back to where we were. I didn't feel any feelings come up at all, which was cool because I didn't want anything serious. I just missed the cuddles and connection, and benefits of course. This time around we did not go out on dates like we did before [we'd actually go out and do stuff]. This time around we've been seeing each other again for the last 6 months, he mainly just comes to my house late at night and a few times we've just hungout at my house listening to music, laughing, talking, drinking together etc and hes come to my friends house. Whenever he gets drunk [which he did in the past, too] he gets very lovey and lets his guard down. He will tell me how I am not just sex to him, but I am a friend and important to him and he cares about my feelings. He will grab my face passionately and tell me how beautiful I am. And how proud of me he is, etc he gets a bit more vulnerable. Well, the last 6 months it started just not really talking a lot and seeing each other here and there, but the last couple months we have bonded more I feel like. We talk a lot more, there was times when he was seeing me 2 times in a week [I have limited kid free days and he would be sure to be there during them], sometimes twice in a week.

 

We got into a couple arguments lately, and I think now I realize it was me projecting my jealousy onto him, and then I realized I was getting jealous and that was not good. I went off on him a little, I was trying to push him out to make it less painful for me. He said he wanted to take a break from meeting but he didn't dismiss me. He said he wants to respect me, and he wants to do better, acknowledged my feelings. He said he needed time to cool off, he said doesn't want to disappear, he just wants to take a break from meeting up. He said he doesn't want to stop talking. When I got frustrated too, I told him he could just have my hockey ticket [we bought some like months in advance to go together, its outta town], he did not want that at all. He told me do not do that, and hold onto it to see where we are at that time.

 

He said he wants to still talk to me and that we will figure it out and see where we go. He also said he needs time to think about him and get his head right. He actively fought to make sure I didn't go anywhere, where in the past he honestly didn't care. Something feels different here, I am wondering if he is also struggling with feelings towards me? Ive never had a FWB do that, usually we call it off when we're done. He obviously pushed to maintain a connection with me, and is willing to address issues.

TDLR;; been fwb for 2 yrs, we've taken breaks in the past and he would let it be nonchalantly. he recently has acted in ways that show he doesn't want to lose me, and its confusing

[NuevoYorko]

Why are you putting yourself through this?  Jealousy, years of complications, analytics - isn't this exactly what people are hoping to avoid by having FWB's for sex instead of actual relationships?

BTW I'm not judging the FWB concept.  But it seems like you are waaaay in deep with this messy situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

This has been going on way too long,  based on your other threads about him.

You're wasting tme on this when you could be out actually dating a man who wants a relationship. That isn't this guy. 

[Sony12]

Always a little suspicious of people who create multiple profiles on this site.

[flitzanu]

there's no secret meaning to his behavior, he's telling you things to get you off his back so he doesn't have to deal with drama, and wants to keep you around so he can continue having no strings sex with you.

there's no reason a person that has had sex with you magically doesn't have the courage to tell you how they feel or is scared about emotions, especially after 2 years.  

[CollinW]

It shouldn't be shocking that someone doesn't want the person they came to an place with to flirt with other people out in the open, regardless of their label. 

How do you think that looks to other people? You two walks into a bar together, there is obvious chemistry from seeing each other naked for 2 years, then you run off and feel up other men while he's left standing there. 

From the outside looking in that would seem cuckish to others, at minimum disrespectful not knowing your arrangements. And that's irrespective to how he actually feels. I've been fwb with a girl I couldn't care less about what she's doing and that would sell rub me the wrong way. 

[smackie9]

Why is everyone jumping on a thread that's over a year old?

[smackie9]

On 12/10/2024 at 4:31 PM, Rachel R said:

First, I know that feelings with FWB isn't good. Didn't plan on it. Don't have to attack me I get it lol, we are both being adults about it,

I've had a FWB now for 2 years, when we met I wasn't looking for something, we both were OK with FWB. I actually didn't overly like him too much at first, then once we became acquainted I did. I felt at ease with him, we had so much fun. Months in I developed feelings, I was honest with him and I took a break. Honestly don't think he really cared, he was pretty nonchalant about it, making jokes etc. Of course I came back, then that lasted a bit before I couldn't do it anymore but I was ok being friends. I told him bye and I ended up entering a relationship, I did not talk to him much during my relationship and we did not hangout [my relationship sucked I got cheated on repeatedly], but I had a few moments of crisis and he was the person I called, and he was there to console me on the phone. There were many moments when I missed him. But previously when I'd take breaks from him, I KNEW he didn't like me back and i'd re-center myself. This time is different.

After I left that relationship when I found about the cheating, we started seeing each other again. That was about 8 months I took off. I grew up a lot during this time though, and felt so much more grounded. I could feel the true joy in how happy he was to see me again, and we went back to where we were. I didn't feel any feelings come up at all, which was cool because I didn't want anything serious. I just missed the cuddles and connection, and benefits of course. This time around we did not go out on dates like we did before [we'd actually go out and do stuff]. This time around we've been seeing each other again for the last 6 months, he mainly just comes to my house late at night and a few times we've just hungout at my house listening to music, laughing, talking, drinking together etc and hes come to my friends house. Whenever he gets drunk [which he did in the past, too] he gets very lovey and lets his guard down. He will tell me how I am not just sex to him, but I am a friend and important to him and he cares about my feelings. He will grab my face passionately and tell me how beautiful I am. And how proud of me he is, etc he gets a bit more vulnerable. Well, the last 6 months it started just not really talking a lot and seeing each other here and there, but the last couple months we have bonded more I feel like. We talk a lot more, there was times when he was seeing me 2 times in a week [I have limited kid free days and he would be sure to be there during them], sometimes twice in a week.

 

We got into a couple arguments lately, and I think now I realize it was me projecting my jealousy onto him, and then I realized I was getting jealous and that was not good. I went off on him a little, I was trying to push him out to make it less painful for me. He said he wanted to take a break from meeting but he didn't dismiss me. He said he wants to respect me, and he wants to do better, acknowledged my feelings. He said he needed time to cool off, he said doesn't want to disappear, he just wants to take a break from meeting up. He said he doesn't want to stop talking. When I got frustrated too, I told him he could just have my hockey ticket [we bought some like months in advance to go together, its outta town], he did not want that at all. He told me do not do that, and hold onto it to see where we are at that time.

 

He said he wants to still talk to me and that we will figure it out and see where we go. He also said he needs time to think about him and get his head right. He actively fought to make sure I didn't go anywhere, where in the past he honestly didn't care. Something feels different here, I am wondering if he is also struggling with feelings towards me? Ive never had a FWB do that, usually we call it off when we're done. He obviously pushed to maintain a connection with me, and is willing to address issues.

TDLR;; been fwb for 2 yrs, we've taken breaks in the past and he would let it be nonchalantly. he recently has acted in ways that show he doesn't want to lose me, and its confusing

Rachel.....since you are new and don't know any better, you should stick with the current posts. This thread is over a year old...it's a dead thread. 

Edited December 12, 2024 by smackie9

[Sony12]

40 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Rachel.....since you are new and don't know any better, you should stick with the current posts. This thread is over a year old...it's a dead thread. 

I think Rachel and the OP are the same person.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

I think Rachel and the OP are the same person.

maybe we should flag this thread then.