dcp1992 Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. After the honeymoon stage, I noticed that our communication was severely lacking, and I felt him retreating a bit. When we had disagreements, he would avoid me and sometimes go without contact for days. I felt like he didn't put in the effort to understand why I felt hurt or unloved, while I wanted to get to the root of the problem, talk it out, and move on. In addition to the poor communication, I felt like we had surface level conversations, and couldn't connect in a super deep emotional way. I want to talk about our fears and hopes, and be vulnerable with each other, but that wasn't existent in our relationship. I would express my wish for this to change, and again it never got better. At the 2-3 year mark, people began asking about engagements, and even I would occasionally bring this up, but I would get a pretty bland response. The good parts of our relationship were our compatibility in terms of similar interests and great quality time. Fast forward to the three year mark, my boyfriend and I were struggling in many ways that constantly left me feeling lonely and let down. I met someone that totally swept me off my feet. Yes, he was my type, but it felt like much more than just a physical attraction. We immediately shared a deep emotional connection after sharing personal stories and what we want out of life. He was able to provide verbal affirmations and meaningful conversations that were missing in my relationship. But it wasn't just words, it was the way he looked at me, the way he listened and remembered everything I said, got excited about my passions, communicated with me everyday and never disappeared, did things when he said he would, and so much more. I felt guilty for this emotional connection I formed that I decided it was time to end things with my 3-year boyfriend. I thought it would be easy, and I thought he would agree it was best. But I was totally wrong. He was devastated and begged for another chance. He promised to go to therapy and to do whatever it took. He felt like I hadn't clearly expressed my needs before and that he understands now. I decided to give him another chance, because I felt like after three years I owed it to give me this version of him. It has now been 2 months, and he has been providing what I have been asking for this whole time. He has read multiple books, followed through with therapy, and has really been opening up emotionally. The problem is, I still cannot get over the second person. I keep wondering what life with him would've been like. He was all in on me, and truly believed in us. Is he the one that got away, the one that would have given me everything I needed without having to be told how to do so? Did my current boyfriend have his chance? Would I be strong by leaving the relationship, or am I being weak by leaving after being distracted by outside forces? I truly believe my boyfriend has changed, but I wonder if the damage has already been done.
Wiseman2 Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, dcp1992 said: . I met someone that totally swept me off my feet. . He promised to go to therapy and to do whatever it took. I decided to give him another Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it seems meeting this other man simply emphasized how fundamentally incompatible you are. Basically it seems he's needs therapy, a complete overhaul and a change of personality to match your needs. So in order for you to be happy he has to remake himself. Perhaps reflect if giving him another chance is just hanging on to a familiar security blanket or if "being swept off your feet" by someone else it a symptom of deeper issues or just the novelty of new attraction. Edited September 3, 2023 by Wiseman2
MsJayne Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 Hmm, hard one. Being taken for granted is always a romance killer, so it comes down to how you actually feel about your current partner and whether you think your relationship can recover, and whether you actually want that. It's possible that, after three years of being unheard, just meeting someone who actually listens to you is enough to make you form an emotional connection and read more into that than is actually there, so you would be taking a big chance if you decided on leaving your current partner for the new guy, but, at the same time, if you're so lonely in a relationship that you reach out to other people you have no obligation to be supportive or loyal to a partner who's taken you for granted. The grass usually isn't greener on the other side of the fence, it just looks that way until you climb over, and then you find out that it's the same s**t in a different bucket, so you have to weigh up how you really feel about your partner and whether the 'new him' is going to last.
Els Posted September 3, 2023 Posted September 3, 2023 Well, it's hard to say. On the one hand, I hope you're aware that your situation with the other guy is in the rose-colored goggles stage... you won't really know what kind of person he is in a LTR because you're not in one with him. On the other hand, I can't really advise staying with your bf either, because if you're having such strong and pervasive thoughts about leaving for someone else, he probably isn't the one for you. Break up, IMO, and see how things go with new guy. But don't get your hopes up too much - it's possible that neither one of them is right.
JTSW Posted September 4, 2023 Posted September 4, 2023 I've seen this so many times before. Your bf may be making the effort for a while but it won't last. He will eventually revert back to his ways, so I think you did the wrong thing by giving him another chance. You also met a guy that was so much more suited to you. Are you still talking to this other guy?
annlisaannlisa Posted September 10, 2023 Posted September 10, 2023 Oh my gosh, after 3 years of 'struggle' for you... but you stayed trying along the way to make it better by trying to communicate your feelings with him , but he wasn't getting it enough to make the changes you needed...but when faced with losing you he actually put into action his promises of change and you agree he is putting in the effort and succeeding .... that's incredible and shows that this guy really cares and loves you. Sometimes guys (all of us actually) get "lazy" in life about really important things. He just needed a "wake up " call and seems he did wake up. Unless your just not in love with him or are prepared to put a 100% into your time with him regardless of this other guy showing up in your life then leave. It's not fair for either of you to be together if you aren't giving it your best. Any new guy that appears in our lives that we are the least bit attracted to and we let our minds fantasize about more with is just that a fantasy that may come true or not. Its new and everything now and in the future looks perfect.... but it probably did with this guy too, when he was new. When somebody does what they say they will do, with vigor (it sounds like your current boyfriend did), that's a lot. 1
basil67 Posted September 11, 2023 Posted September 11, 2023 (edited) On 9/4/2023 at 4:11 AM, dcp1992 said: He felt like I hadn't clearly expressed my needs before and that he understands now. Your boyfriend's suggestion that you weren't clear enough is gaslighting you. From what you write here, you did express yourself clearly but nothing changed. You asked about a future and marriage and got no response. This guy can't even take responsibility for being a lame boyfriend all that time and is choosing to blame you instead. It's OK to acknowledge that your love isn't like it used to be. It's OK to tell him it's too little too late. It's OK to dump a guy who won't listen unless there's a proverbial gun at his head. If he begs, it's OK to say that you were very clear and you're not going to tolerate his gaslighting of you. Go and be with the new guy It may work, or it may not, but the current guy doesn't deserve you Edited September 11, 2023 by basil67
Lubecke Posted September 18, 2023 Posted September 18, 2023 I did something similar myself. I regretted giving the ex a second chance and missed out on someone that was completely aligned with what I wanted. your boyfriend clearly wasn’t aligned with what you wanted but let’s see where this goes in the end. But I say if those changes aren’t being back up by effort and action, definitely it’s time to move on.
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