Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Hello, I was just surfing on line looking for advice and wound up here. I have been married for 6 years now. I know that my wife has cheated 2 times. (I caught her red handed both times) There is still one time in question where I believe she did but I lack proof. Anyway after she was caught both times I continued to catch her in lies about specific details. and the storys OH If only I had room to post them here. Someone would probably say they belong on a comedy site yes they are that unbelievable. However I do love her so I have tried to make it work. But about a year ago (BTW it has been almost 2 years since the last time I caught her) I was getting on the computer and noticed she had left her Yahoo Messenger open I was only going to close it but I saw a name that was obviously male perverted and disturbing so I decided to look. Well I found very graphic conversations between her and 3 other guys. In researching these names to see if I could find out who they were I found that one was 13 years old she is 26. In another conversation with a guy whose age I was never able to figure out she turned on the web cam and exposed herself. I do know the guy is from england but that still really hurt. When I confronted her she got mad at me for looking at her conversation and really blew up on me. But she did agree to quit. Then less than a week later I caught her talking to the younger guy again. The problem is now she is acting the way she used to when she was cheating. Only now she knows all my ways of catching her so the only thing I have to go on is that she goes out of her way to cover her tracks any and everywhere she goes (online or in person) But still strange and unexplained events occur. Am I only paranoid by the past? What should I do?
Tristram Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Seeing as how you like being a doormat, nothing. I.E. you should have tosed her to the curb the second time you caught her. It is pretty obvious she is a serial cheater. Unless you are cheating also?
933KJL Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 I agree---why put up with it. When I got married, one thing I was perfectly clear about was that I would not deal with cheating. WOuld rather hear a "F you get out of my life". But she cheated and I even went agains my own credo and tried the counseling for a bit to take her back, but in the end it did not work out and I filed for divorce. Each time she cheats it knocks you down onthe self esteem ladder. Don't put up with it
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 Seeing as how you like being a doormat, nothing. I.E. you should have tosed her to the curb the second time you caught her. It is pretty obvious she is a serial cheater. Unless you are cheating also? OK I will start by saying that I have never cheated on her or anyone else.(If I had that would make my post here a little vain wouldn't it) I left out a lot of details so not to ramble too long. Therefore you do not know the whole situation nor do you know me. With that being said name calling is a little imature. Is it not? However I do agree I should have but as I said there are other circumstances involved here. I can not produce children (childhood accident) She has a daughter from before we met whom I am in process of adopting however Because of the different States involved the process is moving rather slowley. If I Divorce her now that is over as well.
Tristram Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 I dont think you understand. Why subject yourself to this? DO you not value yourself? Why put up with a woman that treats you this way when there are plenty available that will treat you right? I know love is a B****, but come on have a little more respect for yourself.
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 I dont think you understand. Why subject yourself to this? DO you not value yourself? Why put up with a woman that treats you this way when there are plenty available that will treat you right? I know love is a B****, but come on have a little more respect for yourself. Yes I value myself and have self respect but having her or another woman is not the point I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND this is my ONLY chance at having a child even close to being my own I raised her and do not want to lose her but because of the law here if I leave my wife she can stop me from seeing her EVER AGAIN. So yes I do respect myself and I have values but Seeing the Little Girl that I have raised is rating a little higher than myself right now.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Let's hope her little 13 year old "friend" isn't an undercover FBI trolling for pedophiles and sex offenders. Seriously though - your wife has some problems, that if not resolved - will continue to drive her cheating. She needs to get a dose of reality. Go see a lawyer and explain your case - don't leave out anything (even if you want to exclude details about the 13 year old to 'protect' her). You will need to lay out your case entirely and ask about your custody/adoption rights. Get all the details. Consider a PI to get some hard evidence. Then, once you find what you are looking for and get the information you need - go to your wife and let her know that you have already contacted a lawyer, and that she has but one choice: unplug from the internet, and get marriage and individual counseling to work on your problems as a couple and her problems as an individual. She will be very lucky if she can walk away now, and not pursue this 'friendship' with this child she has found on the internet. Divorce will be the least of her problems if she continues and gets caught making sexual advances to a child.
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 Let's hope her little 13 year old "friend" isn't an undercover FBI trolling for pedophiles and sex offenders. Seriously though - your wife has some problems, that if not resolved - will continue to drive her cheating. She needs to get a dose of reality. Go see a lawyer and explain your case - don't leave out anything (even if you want to exclude details about the 13 year old to 'protect' her). You will need to lay out your case entirely and ask about your custody/adoption rights. Get all the details. Consider a PI to get some hard evidence. Then, once you find what you are looking for and get the information you need - go to your wife and let her know that you have already contacted a lawyer, and that she has but one choice: unplug from the internet, and get marriage and individual counseling to work on your problems as a couple and her problems as an individual. She will be very lucky if she can walk away now, and not pursue this 'friendship' with this child she has found on the internet. Divorce will be the least of her problems if she continues and gets caught making sexual advances to a child. Thank You I have already contacted a lawyer but in Alabama Custody is a very tough case when you are not biological this state dose not care if you are Charles Manson if it is your DNA you win. in fact even an adoption can be apealed during a Divorce here so I really believe I am stuck I told the lawyer about the 13yo boy but in Alabama there is a comunications privacy act and monitoring someones conversations with out a warrant is invasion of privacy and in some cases getting a warrant can take months and any information obtained before the warrant is not admissable in court. I have done a lot of checking on this and am running out of options or maybe I am just finally realising that I should go ahead and divorce her
Bryanp Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Hello, Your letter is very sad. Your wife continue to humiliate and disrespect you in the worst possible way. You do not even know for sure how many men she has been cheating on you with. Are you going to wait until she gives you a major STD? Because you cannot have children you are going to allow yourself to be totally disrespected and humiliated? I do not have children and have been married twice. My first wife cheated and I divorced her. It took some years and I married again to the love of my love and have been very happy. The fact that you spend your time trying to catch your wife cheating is a pathetic waste of time. The fact that you have already caught her twice red-handed shows she could care less about your feelings and does not give a damn about you. Now she is on line with various children and men says it all. I am sorry my friend but you would have to be a masochist to stay in this relationship. It will be a matter of time until she cheats again, gives you an STD or leaves you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Please see a counselor for yourself. If you truly believe that she is the only woman in the world who wants to be with you and has children then you are crazy. Her actions speaks volumes about how she enjoys humiliating and disrespecting you. Unfortunately your actions speaks volumes on how your perceive yourself and your life. What a shame.
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 Bryanp Who said I was sleeping with her? and I thought this was for advice not to degrade people and talk down to them. yea you are right I am in a humilliating situation so to have people calling me pathetic and crazy is not helping BTW I never said she was the only woman who wanted me or that had kids but there are no other children that I have been involved in their lives for seven years so your comments speak a lot for you don't they you seem o have misunderstood everything I have said up to this point I am starting to feel this is pointless
Bryanp Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 I am sorry my friend but you did ask for advise. All right you have a wife you do not sleep with and who constantly cheats on you after you catch her at least twice. She is now engaged in questionable emails with possibly children and other men and sending pictures to them. She has a daughter that you have seen her grow for the past seven years. Clearly this is your number one priority and are willing to suffer for the rest of your life with a wife who humiliates, disrespects and degrades you. What possible advise do you seek? I wish you luck because it seems clear that your past will be your future. Why should it change? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Allowing another person to humiliate you does not engender respect from that person. It simply encourages the person to continue the behavior. It is your life and your choice to live such a life. Good luck.
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 Again Read the post before you coment I am repeating myself here for you again I found those conversations a year ago I have no proof they are still going on only suspicion. I do not know she is cheating now I think she may be. I am not willing to suffer the rest of my life for this read the other post obviously you have not done so. And yes I asked for advice you have given hopeless cynicism maybee you have no advice to offer in wich case it would have served better to keep quiet. You are what Anton Levay refered to as a Psychic Vampire one who is to weak to face his/her own faults so they spend there time feeding on the pain of others. Go back and read your post if you can honestly say that you believe anything you have said would do anyone any good then you need to read them again. Look if I wanted to be degraded and made fun of on line I would have went to yahoo I thought this was more mature but obviously not.
Outcast Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Stone Wolf, chill. Bryanp was using 'tough love' on you - telling you like it is without sugar-coating. What do you want from LS? You have already decided you want to stay and put up with this because Alabama's laws are archaic. You refuse to leave. So what advice will be of any use to you? but in Alabama there is a comunications privacy act and monitoring someones conversations with out a warrant is invasion of privacy and in some cases getting a warrant can take months and any information obtained before the warrant is not admissable in court. Did you talk to the police about this? Do you know where the kid lives? Maybe you can report it to the police in his state. If this is the way Alabama handles potential child abuse, it's pathetic and shocking. Call your congressman and senator while you're at it. If you have all this energy, might as well spend it on something productive since slagging LSers who are trying to help you is a waste of all our time.
Owl Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Slow down a minute, Stonewolf. What these guys are simply trying to say is that what she has done is disrespectful in the extreme, and it appears as if you've done nothing but allow her to continue her horrible behavior. What has she 'suffered' for these indiscretions? What behaviors have you REALLY required her to change in order to keep you in her life? What boundaries have you drawn with clearly defined consequences of crossing these boundaries. You're getting the feedback that you have because from what you've posted, it appears that very little has actually been done to find the source of the problem and fix the situation. Now...we could be wrong, as you've admitted that you've not posted all of the information...but you're getting responses based off of what you've posted. Now...take a look at the questions I've asked...and at least begin to ask them now. What ARE your boundaries for behavior in marriage? And what are you going to do if she continues to ignore them? Women do not love someone that they don't respect...and if you continue to accept her poor treatment of you, you'll never have that respect. So think about this, start putting together a list of those boundaries and penalties, then set it aside for a moment. You say that you 'suspect' she's cheating again, or that it feels that way at least. What, EXACTLY, is causing you to feel that way? You also said that she's wise to your methods of uncovering the truth...well, what are those methods? List them out here...and perhaps we can give you a few new methods to use. You'd be amazed at how some of us have caught our WS (wayward spouses). Here's the bottom line...first...decide what your boundaries are, and what you're going to do about it if she is crossing those lines. Then come up with a plan on how you're going to definitively prove one way or another if she IS crossing those lines.
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 If you have all this energy, might as well spend it on something productive since slagging LSers who are trying to help you is a waste of all our time. I am not sure what slagging means. As far as the messages from Bryanp I don't see where that would help anyone. Since when was Name calling and bashing someone considered helping. If I am wasting your time why are you wasting your time. again like Bryanp you used one line to say something I did not say I said I do want to end it but am having a hard time now because of the situation with my daughter.
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 Owl as far as thinking she is cheating now it is little incidents that do not add up. ie money missing. I don't know if this means anything but she buys thing that she will never use for no reason. she only started this recently. This one time last week she went to Taco Bell to get some food. On the way she stoped at a department store and baught about $75 worth of arts and crafts stuff it is all still in the bag in the closet. She dose not even do arts and crafts. I know that is not cheating in any way but things like this happen 2 or 3 times a week. and It makes me think I guess. mabee I am having a hard time here because to type all the details would take days and I am pretty confused myself. I did leave her the last time I caught her we were seperated for about 4 months. She called me everyday and showed up at my place even came to where I work. She seemed to be a wreck and I thought she was truly sorry for what she had done. As for catching her I have key loggers and a screenshot program on here but they are turned off now I used them for a while but never found anything. She does not talk on the phone. I know how that sounds a woman who dose not talk on the phone. But she dose not. I never followed her but I have called to see if she is where she is supposed to be and so far I have not been caught her again. This is why I think I am only paranoid. Thanks for your advice
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 And just to make this clear I obviously did not word it properly. She claims the boy in question was 23 not 13. I am a little suspicious because he seemed very childish in the conversation I read however I did contact him and he claims he is 23 that the age in his profile was a misprint but as far as I know it was never changed. I am sorry I reread what I wrote and saw that I never did clear that up.
lilmoma1973 Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 I am sorry to hear that she is messing with a 13 yr old and she is 26 !! That is plain sick and if she isn't careful she can get into some real trouble.. I don't know that she is having sex with this 13 yrold but a friend that we know is in her 30's and was having sex with a14 yr old and she has statuatory rape charges against her that the parents filed and she is in jail for those charges and has lost her husband and three kids .. I just can't see what a child would do for me that is plain sick .. Good luck
Author Stone Wolf Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 I am sorry to hear that she is messing with a 13 yr old and she is 26 !! That is plain sick and if she isn't careful she can get into some real trouble.. I don't know that she is having sex with this 13 yrold but a friend that we know is in her 30's and was having sex with a14 yr old and she has statuatory rape charges against her that the parents filed and she is in jail for those charges and has lost her husband and three kids .. I just can't see what a child would do for me that is plain sick .. Good luck No there has been no physical contact. from what I have uncovered he lives in Germany
Owl Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 OK...I'm not sure how the arts and crafts thing fits in...but what things are making you suspicious besides this? Personally, if you're suspicious, then turn the keyloggers back on...what can it hurt??? It's not unusual for a woman to not be talkative on the phone...my wife wasn't...EXCEPT with OM! This was something that had caught me totally by surprise...I hadn't been monitoring the cell bill, or else I would have likely caught them a few weeks prior to when I did. If you're suspicious, you must have some kind of thoughts of at least WHEN and HOW she could be doing something. If you suspect she's doing it between work and home...ask a friend to tail her home from work a couple of times next week. Preferably someone she doesn't know or wouldn't recognize the vehicle. Buy a voice activated recorder and leave it in her car under the passenger seat (but NOT on the floorboard itself...all you'll get is road noise). Or hide it in any room you suspect she MIGHT be making/taking calls in. Use the keylogger to look for any knew email IM accounts. Setup an account with whatever site she was using before to talk to guys, and see if she responds to an email or contact from you. If you suspect she does something whenever you're out running errands (mine did)...walk out and 'forget' your keys or wallet...and come back in a few minutes after you 'left'. Go out to your car...but walk back to the window and peek in to see what she's doing while you're 'away'. It might be paranioa...I thought mine was for a long time...turns out my gut instinct was right and she was carrying on an online emotional affair with someone...and VERY nearly left me for him when I confronted her about it!!!! Great quote from a modern day author for you... "Just because you feel that there are enemies behind every bush doesn't mean that there isn't!!!" -Mercedes Lackey..."A Shin'a'in proverb" There are all kinds of ways to catch someone.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 This is horrible. I understand that you are very bonded with her daughter and how painful that this can be. I had a dear friend who raised her husband's son and had to leave him because of alcoholism. As I see it here are your choices- 1. Gather evidence as to what she is doing, confront her with it and insist on marriage counseling and individual counseling. She has issues that she needs help with. Tell her it's a deal breaker- counseling or you're going to have to reevaluate staying in the marriage. 2. Continue to put up with this for your daughter's sake. I'm not sure how you can do this emotionally. Things are not going to automatically just change without your involvement. She's not going to fall down and automatically wake up and start working on the marriage- it will require you to push her to do so.
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