dumped and isolated

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

I guess I’d tell him that he really hurt me.  That I recognize that if everything he told me were true he wouldn’t have run like he did.   That it’s really over and that in a lot of ways, I’m relieved by that.  

Guilt won't make someone who clearly has no remorse about being a serial cheater have a conscience or care about all the collateral damage he causes. Walk away with your dignity intact.  Write it all down in a journal and discuss it with your therapist.

Edited September 1, 2023 by Wiseman2

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Just send him a text saying that then.

it’s  more so stating the obvious - no need to wait on him at all.

after that you can block him.

I think this exercise was helpful.  I realized there wasn’t really much I needed to say to him.   
 

 He’s blocked.  And I deleted Snapchat and  words with friends plus I left all of our Spotify shared playlists. 
 

I’m so sad now, but I think it was the right love.  

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

In a way I feel grateful for that absolute conclusion and relieved that it’s firmly over.  

It isn't firmly over if you haven't blocked him and still wish he would come back for whatever reason.

 

7 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

The hardest part to let go of is the good parts.  The things about me that he loved about me or the things he was proud of or helped with.  Letting those go with the other stuff is what guts me.

I notice you say you will miss the things he loved about you but not the things you loved about him.  I guess the affair was also an ego boost for you,  but you can love those same things about yourself.  You don't need him for that.  I agree that you should start a journal and write down everything you wanted to say to MM.

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

isn't firmly over if you haven't blocked him and still wish he would come back for whatever reason

As of a few hours ago, it’s fully over.  He has no way of contacting me.  

 

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

notice you say you will miss the things he loved about you but not the things you loved about him

Really interesting insight. Maybe but also  I guess it’s also to the point now that I hate him for all this pain and anguish that I’m feeling.  So maybe I only now miss the person I was in his eyes. 
 

is that growth? 

[HeartNPA]

20 minutes ago, S2B said:

this way you don’t waste time and more energy hoping he will reach out

But now I’m just left to wonder if he ever did try. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

So maybe I only now miss the person I was in his eyes. 

In other words, you miss the way that he made you feel about yourself.

Its time for you to find that for yourself now. 

 

[HeartNPA]

14 hours ago, S2B said:

this is you protecting yourself - your future!

Thank you.   Hope so.   Friday night and this morning have been really lonely. ❤️‍🩹

[HeartNPA]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Its time for you to find that for yourself now.

True.  Trying to.  Having more time and knowing there will be no interruption and need to jump has been a relief.   I’m trying to get back to doing the things that make me feel better about myself. 

[HeartNPA]

15 hours ago, S2B said:

There is enough evidence that this man isn’t worthy of you and your time.

Gotta remember this! 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

But now I’m just left to wonder if he ever did try. 

Once you reach "indifference" regarding him you it will be over.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

Friday night and this morning have been really lonely. ❤️‍🩹

Distraction is important. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Find something to do.

After my mom passed, I joined a learn to knit group. It was a group of lovely women who met once a week. And, when I knit at home it kept my mind busy which was a very good thing… 

[MsJayne]

On 9/2/2023 at 10:57 AM, HeartNPA said:

is that growth? 

Hell yeah  

On 9/2/2023 at 11:00 AM, HeartNPA said:

But now I’m just left to wonder if he ever did try

I sincerely hope he does. Blocking is a form of rejection, and, given that his broken ego's the size of a small country, he won't cope with rejection, it will forever be a thorn in his side. The other good thing about you being the one who does the final rejecting is that it will ultimately give you an unexpected self-esteem boost, get some of your power back, and that's a growth thing too. 

[JTSW]

On 9/1/2023 at 2:06 AM, S2B said:

it seems like the truth would be helpful to his wife.

But not to the OP.

 The best thing she can do for herself is move on and heal, not embroil herself in more drama that could potentially cause her more heartache.

[HeartNPA]

On 9/2/2023 at 11:34 AM, stillafool said:

Once you reach "indifference" regarding him you it will be over.

Feeling moments of this. And moments of just nothing.   Lots of regret.

 

On 9/2/2023 at 12:19 PM, S2B said:

Spend some time doing some creative things

 

On 9/2/2023 at 8:11 PM, BaileyB said:

Distraction is important

Busted out a few of my old crafty hobbies that I hadn’t messed with in a while.  Feel good about that!  And it was a good distraction.   Been devouring my favorite music and documentaries.  
 

I know I’ll feel more like myself when I can read again- it’s one of my favorite things- but I haven’t been able to pick up a book since he left.  Just can’t sit still and have silence.  End up thinking about him and wondering if he’s missing me too. 
 

I didn’t cave to reach out this long weekend and I made it through!  So, wins all around! 

[HeartNPA]

On 9/2/2023 at 9:12 PM, MsJayne said:

I sincerely hope he does

 

On 9/2/2023 at 9:12 PM, MsJayne said:

it will ultimately give you an unexpected self-esteem boost, get some of your power back, and that's a growth thing too

This!  So much this!  I ended up even blocking him in places we’d never even connected. (And his wife, and backup numbers and accounts)  I feel so much better and find myself less frequently checking my phone “just in case” 

 

13 hours ago, JTSW said:

move on and heal

Here’s hoping! 

[Love4TOW]

First, I want to spend some time giving you some genuine kindness. It is normal to feel ashamed, and foolish. You are dealing with the pain of a breakup (which let’s face it, is already brutal), AND being blind sided with him going back to the person he CONVINCED you he didn’t want. People can make it sound so simple. “He is a cheater so he lies”. When people say he was “never yours”- fine, legally. But while the only 2 people that know what is going on in a marriage are the 2 people in the marriage? Same thing goes for 2 people in love. Only you two know what was shared between you. If you knew it was real between you: the feelings, the love, the time together, the ability to “see” each other and love that person unconditionally…it is not for ANYONE to discredit. And for those that make it sound like it is so easy to move on and find some other “hunk”? Well, I don’t know about you, but the love I had for my MM had nothing to do with him being attractive or a “hunk”. I loved his SOUL. I have never felt love like I felt with him, and it WAS real. So, I guess what I am saying is, PLEASE allow yourself the proper time to grieve. My therapist told me it’s a good idea to acknowledge, feel and process this loss. The loss is real. It’s just my opinion, but to just think to yourself, “it was never real, he was never mine, I was just a fool”. - well, I think that is unhealthy and problematic. Because if it wasn’t real, then how would you ever allow yourself to love someone else? Again, YOU know if it was real. And if this man broke up with you to go back to his wife, instead of everyone hating on him and calling him a liar, maybe you can respect him and love him more- that he was willing to sacrifice true love and happiness to try his best to honor his vows and commitment to his marriage. I wish you strength, courage and peace. You WILL be ok, and you will come out the other side stronger. Just know there are people like me who are ACTUALLY hurting for you, and deeply understand your pain. Please know I’m giving you gigantic hugs.

[Love4TOW]

On 8/31/2023 at 5:48 AM, HeartNPA said:

I can’t thank you enough for offering your help, truly. 
 

But I don’t think this is true.  That could be me still in the delusion of it all.  But he was a very traditional person, and I think this choice was made completely out of duty.  I think he’s afraid of letting this image he has created of himself die and of losing some of his wealth and having to give it to her.  Is that possible too? 
 

I am coming to terms with how disposable I was, so I think that is true.  And ouch, that’s not fun. 

Heart NPA- I agree with you! “The wife will always be chosen because that is where their heart truly lies”. How can ANYONE but your MM know where his heart lies? And for someone to say he only loved you with his private parts? Well, I need you to know I am in tears for you. Seriously. I find that idea disrespectful to the love and relationship you had with him. Being the other woman is so painful. There is no one to talk to. No one. NO ONE. And one can start second guessing their judgment, for letting themselves get involved to this extent. And then, over time, our self worth and confidence fade. We can lose our identity because we have been hidden and spend so much time alone, crying, wishing and hoping. Yes, as TOW, we made a DECISION to do this, and to stay for however long we did or have. Yes, it is up to us to leave, or quietly accept when/if they end it.  That doesn’t mean we didn’t really experience, receive and give love. Not every “affair” relationship is rooted in malice or lack of character. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. This is one that hurts more profoundly than anything else. I commend him for doing this and trying to make it work with the wife. I commend you for your strength (even if you don’t feel it right now). You’ve taken some big hits, and you remain gracious. I am learning from you. I am so so so sorry for your pain. I know it is crippling. Hang in there. 

[HeartNPA]

6 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

being blind sided with him going back to the person he CONVINCED you he didn’t want

I think this was the thing that makes it so hard, right?  Because it feels like if all it was going to take was one validating conversation from his wife for him to be convinced he had to end it with me in order to continue to hide our relationship, then how honest could he have been being all along? 

I was always so careful to never pressure him into saying these things and I always told him it didn’t make me happier that he was “miserable”.  

6 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

Only you two know what was shared between you.

It’s true.  I don’t think dismissing the feelings all together is the most helpful mindset.   But again, the painful part is this.  Only the two of us knew.  

I think this was another tough aspect of it all.  He knowingly abandoned me all alone with no one to process with. 

I know that was the right thing.  It’s just hard to be tossed aside and disregarded.  

I’m so grateful to the folks on this chat who have helped me to feel less alone and  gain some insight.  

6 hours ago, Love4TOW said:

And if this man broke up with you to go back to his wife, instead of everyone hating on him and calling him a liar, maybe you can respect him and love him more- that he was willing to sacrifice true love and happiness to try his best to honor his vows and commitment to his marriage.

This is interesting perspective.   I’m not there yet.   But it’s definitely a helpful perspective that I hadn’t thought of on my own.  Maybe I can come to accept and respect the decision.  

 

58 minutes ago, Love4TOW said:

Well, I need you to know I am in tears for you. Seriously. I find that idea disrespectful to the love and relationship you had with him. Being the other woman is so painful. There is no one to talk to. No one. NO ONE.

Thank you so much for your understanding.  And I appreciate your helpful words and insight.  It’s so helpful to not be alone anymore.  Because now there is someone to talk to- we have each other! 
 

Blocking really did help me.  I know that if I can stay strong and stay away from him, then no matter what happens, I’ll never be this alone again. 

I’ve decided I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.  Sending you support and love.   Thank you again ❤️

Edited September 6, 2023 by HeartNPA

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, S2B said:

I don’t find it useful to “feel sorry for” the MM.

I don't either.  As a matter of fact I don't feel sorry for the person who decided to have an affair with the married person either.  They both knew they were hurting other people but still chose to be selfish and only think about what would make them happy.  No regard for the spouses or children they were hurting.

[Starswillshine]

34 minutes ago, S2B said:

That leaves me wondering…

when this whole thing is just getting started…

does the OW really stop to think how this affects others… as in his future ex wife, his kids and extended family?

I think OW are just told too many lies and buy into the MM being a victim. The wife is so cold, mean, never giving him attention, etc. Poor guy must seek out all his needs elsewhere. I don't think OW consider the wife too much because she (the wife) doesn't care or deserves it. 

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

That leaves me wondering…

when this whole thing is just getting started…

does the OW really stop to think how this affects others… as in his future ex wife, his kids and extended family?

I find this question obviously upsetting because I am extremely hurt and trying to mend. 

I cared tremendously about his family.  Sometimes it felt like I cared more than he did.  Fervently encouraged him to be good to her.  Helped coach him through trying things and support him in planning things with his children and wife. 

But just to paint a picture of what I knew:  In 5 years, they had had sex less than 5 times.    In the months after his first affair and before we started talking he kept track of the number of times he had tried to initiate intimacy, quality time, a date night, anything and counted 80+.  She had agreed only once and then asked to leave after appetizers because her stomach hurt, got home, heated up a frozen pizza and watched the housewives by herself. 

He spent countless, COUNTLESS hours texting and calling me everyday to the point where I thought she’d be CRAZY not to know.  I’d seen his FaceTimes where he tried to speak with her, but she passed him off immediately to the kids.  Noticed how she NEVER checked in when we were on trips. 

I grew up in a home with parents who did sleep in separate bedrooms and didn’t have any connection at all.  They “stayed together for the kids” but despised each other.  Neither would have cared one bit if the other sought out attention or love elsewhere.  We were perfectly aware that they were sacrificing that for us to have “both parents in the home.” 

Even up until the night before they talked and she forgave him, he was heartbroken that their weekend away (no contact with me, initiated by me, so he wouldn’t be distracted) had been tense and uncomfortable to the point where she didn’t even sit in the front seat of the car with him on the drive. 

We had bonded immediately, had so much in common, so much to talk about, so much we wanted to do together.  He was caring and kind and supportive and present when I needed him.  He remembered things and took care of me.  He handled conflict with me so respectfully and learned.   On and on and on I saw instances of the man and partner he wanted to be and was for me, so I knew he was capable of it.   We had conversations all the time about how we hated what we were doing to her.  I cried frequently and tried to bargain with him.  Try this this time, get that, take her here, ask her that.  

It’s almost as if this is the ending that even I wanted, because I knew it was the right thing, and it’s part of the reason I was so shocked that I was hurting so much.

People can be doing an awful thing, know it’s awful, and still do it, even against their better judgement, and that doesn’t mean that the sum of their entire life is just being a careless heartless a**h***.  That level of complexity is possible.  

[Starswillshine]

36 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Fervently encouraged him to be good to her.  Helped coach him through trying things and support him in planning things with his children and wife. 

You do understand the blatant hypocrisy in this? The contradiction???

 

37 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

But just to paint a picture of what he told me

Edited for accuracy 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I find this question obviously upsetting because I am extremely hurt and trying to mend.

The most important thing is that it's over and you deleted and blocked him and walked away. While you will probably want to process a lot of this, your ticket to freedom  was the tapping the block button.

Please be open and frank with your therapist. You can discuss your feelings and get professional advice about putting your life back together and moving forward. 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

Noticed how she NEVER checked in when we were on trips. 

What reasons did he give to his wife to explain a trip with his OW? 

I mean... his wife is at home holding down the fort and taking care of the kids.... and SHE didn't check up on her husband who was on a vacation with his mistress???? Gasp, horrible wife. 

Please see this from the other side. A man left his wife to take care of the kids while he was off having fun with another woman. If the roles were reversed, if she was the one with a OM... and she left him to stay home and take care of the kids... while she spent family money on another man, what would you think of her??? Would you judge the husband for not checking in? What is she told him she was working long hours and would be super busy....??? 

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

What reasons did he give to his wife to explain a trip with his OW?

I can only imagine the lies he told that poor woman to keep her from calling him while he was away with his mistress.