Moleculor Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Ok, I have a question. (Gee, how surprising!) Why do people pursue relationships? There are obvous benefits, of course, from favors from friends or someone to fall back on if something goes wrong, or sex from a lover, but I can't help but feel that there's something -else-, something I'm completely missing when it comes to social interaction. Other people seem to thrive on it, somehow. Hm. A little more about me. All of my life, I've never lived in one place for more than four years. Military brat, ya know? And in addition to that, most of the time (way back) in school, the people I knew all stayed there perhaps two to three years of that time, so no one I new ever developed into a long term relationship. This pattern continued past school, and no person I've ever known has had regular contact with me past a few years. The latter is, of course, my 'choice' as I simply drift apart from them (or perhaps it's mutual, I don't know). In addition, in a 'self-diagnosis' (and those are admittedly falliable and bordering on hypochondria) I've identified several things in me that are similar to Asperger's Syndrome (though I have not seen one of the more defining characteristics, that of an obsession over a topic or action). 1. I don't make eye contact often. I will unconsiously or even consiously look to the side of a person's head or over their head when talking to them or listening to them. Sometimes I'll even look ninety degrees to the side. 2. I'm not sure what 'failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level' means, but if it means what it I think it means, then yes, I don't seem to make relationships of ANY kind very easily. 3. Lately (lately being the past few years) I've felt a real lack of identifying with people and problems the have on an emotional level. I'm not entirely sure that I ever did, but in the last four attempts I've made at romantic relationships, I've failed to truly feel anything other than curiosity and mild fascination with the other person. Of course, with #3, there are major caveats. In school (elementary, middle, high), I had four or so crushes, each a bit more intense than the last. Early events in my life caused me to be timid around women at the time, so I never revealed such. The last one figured it out, and happened to go to the same college I did. A couple bungling moves later, and I'd figured out that she didn't feel the same way, AND I'm fairly certain I came across as a weirdo. Once I figured out that she wasn't interested, my interest vanished as well. That particular event -did- teach me a fair bit, honestly, especially about what not to do when pursuing a romance, and somewhat rid me of my 'fear' of approaching women. However, it was also the last time I ever felt any sort of romantic interest in anyone. That was... four? Five years ago. Admittedly I haven't gotten to know many people since then (left college due to lack of funds, now working graveyard shifts, working off debt and helping my parents work off theirs). but it still strikes me as somewhat odd, especially since the four attempts at relationships have been since then. So I have to ask: What is it, precisely, that you get out of a social situation?
Outcast Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 If you have Asperger's, you may have trouble getting it. It would be kinda like trying to describe a sunset to a person who can't see. However, you can't be sure of any such diagnosis. It's possible that you have withdrawn emotionally because of all the moves as a protective measure - hidden behind a wall and not making emotional connections means you won't feel hurt. Your best bet would be to see a psychologist and find out which sort of issue you're dealing with. Until you know the cause, you won't be able to solve the problem. Your question amounts to an intellectual exercise and finding out what others get out of relationships won't turn on a switch in you that will help you find the same things.
TheTiger Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Get "People skills" by Robert Bolton. This book describes very well how people communicate, the underlying dynamics and mechanisms and what you yourself can do to improve your communication skills and your relationships with people. I also read on the reviews on Amazon that it can help people with Asperger's syndrome, to what extent I don't know though. I think it's great that you're aware of your problem at all and interesting in solving it!
SmoochieFace Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 I may or may not have Asperger's myself - I do have some of the signs such as avoidance of eye contact, intense focus on select interests (one of them *bizarre* - broadcast masts), cluelessness when it comes to social interaction, etc. I do not understand the *unwritten rules* of social interaction from the standpoint of forming friends and relationships. I am not one who is lacking in the manners department so that isn't an issue. I guess my thing is that I do not understand how people connect. When it comes to dating and relationships I do not approach people - in fact, my X asked me to marry her - and my pattern has been to really not *date* but just go straight into a relationship (either it happens right then or it doesn't). This should prove to be an interesting thread.
a4a Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 So I have to ask: What is it, precisely, that you get out of a social situation? I get my coffee made before I get up, and get him to fetch a pack of cigarettes when I don't feel like going out to do so. You are with the person because the way they make you feel.....good or bad....some people gravitate to the "bad" to repeat cycles ( add more psycho babble here) However I enjoy being alone also.. like right now..... posting my dribble opinions online........ a4a
SmoochieFace Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 *thinking about the original question* I don't know why myself. I don't know why people connect and what makes them WANT to be with others. Is it a fear of being alone? Is it the need for validation? Is it merely an ego-booster? More importantly for me... after observing people and their interactions and taking note of the *games* played - lies, deceit, manipulation, swaggering, etc. I am not so sure I would even WANT to have others in my life. I certainly wouldn't want people entering my life having *ulterior motives* and I wouldn't do the same to others. It would take a very special person to make it into my world. It HAS happened before but it's an extremely rare occurrence.
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