What is going on with my relationship?

[John Grogan]

@S2B

Because we just had "the talk about my unsatisfaction" and I am not at the point I want to pack and stop everything. 

I feel like we've opened up a bit this weekend and I have a good idea now where I stand and what to do next. Or try to do,

[John Grogan]

26 minutes ago, S2B said:

Oh good, more talking… what you need to see and experience is change… action that matches her words.

decide on a date - if things haven’t changed by that date then end it.

that’s called a boundary. 

I think I did, but I don't want to tell her the date. Not putting any more pressure.

[JTSW]

In my opinion, this is going anywhere.

It's too complicated.

When you both talk the same things get said over and over again.

It's kind of frustrating that you cannot see that she is controlling.

You spend all your time sitting and waiting for her to contact you and you jump on it like a magnet.

[John Grogan]

@JTSW

I am curious, what makes you think she is controlling. And if she is, what is her end game, what does she want?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, John Grogan said:

what is her end game, what does she want?

To enjoy the perks of a relationship until she's ready to end it and move on to the next one. 

You're way more invested than her, that's for sure. I don't see this ending well for you. 

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, John Grogan said:

 I don't want to tell her the date. Not putting any more pressure.

Unfortunately you're going to have to because you live together and even though you retained your own place to go back to it's her primary residence that she got with you and you're on the lease and paying half the rent.

You'll have to give her adequate legal notice of your departure and get your name off the lease.  It's not as simple as ultimatums that she change or it's over.

[JTSW]

On 8/29/2023 at 1:33 PM, John Grogan said:

@JTSW

I am curious, what makes you think she is controlling. And if she is, what is her end game, what does she want?

Because she is making you feel insecure.

[John Grogan]

On 8/29/2023 at 9:31 PM, S2B said:

A controlling person seeks control. 
do you not realize that?

again, if you are that unhappy why don’t you change things?

do you earn enough money to support yourself? Does she make more than you?

Yeah, we earn about the same. She comes from a richer family, but money was never a problem.

I don't want to tell because, knowing her, she will shut down. That one is for me, to see how she reacts, if there are any improvements since "the talk".

So far, there are. Yesterday night was not at my best after a small trip to the dentist to solve my wisdom teeth and I was dead in the bed and was looking, she was very worried. Basically she was taking care of me, even If I've told her after antibiotics I would be ok.

She is trying, can't argue with that, but let's see if she is trying to progress together.

[FMW]

On 8/29/2023 at 7:33 AM, John Grogan said:

what makes you think she is controlling

When someone is having mental health issues they can feel overwhelmed and be completely focused on themselves because they don't have room for anything else but trying to cope.  This can result in a situation where the other person is "controlled" by what the partner chooses to do or not do, the relationship is being controlled by only one person. 

If she is trying to do something to improve it and the episodes are only occasional then you can choose to just give her space and focus on yourself while she gets back on track .  If however it gets to the point where the issues are there most of the time, and especially if she isn't actively trying to manage them, you need to put your own well-being first and seriously consider your decision to stay.  

[John Grogan]

Since the talk things are a bit better.

She is very caring since, sex is also good again, but I am not going to get enthusiastic yet.

Will see where this goes.

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, John Grogan said:

Since the talk things are a bit better.

She is very caring since, sex is also good again, but I am not going to get enthusiastic yet.

Will see where this goes.

What was said exactly?

[John Grogan]

4 minutes ago, JTSW said:

What was said exactly?

I've told her that I understand her troubles and I am here to support her,  but only she can help herself. I can only provide her a safe space and love. Also she needs to understand that my needs are as important as hers and we've managed to build something that will go to waste if this continues this way.

 

[basil67]

On 8/25/2023 at 4:10 PM, John Grogan said:

1. in the car she was stressed at first because we were in a foreign country and I was trying to help, but without being annoying. And she said: ok enough! - because she has some acquaintances, a couple, where he makes her feel like trash while driving. I said to her multiple times this is not the case and it will never be so please do not compare with me. But I was pissed she was comparing me to that.
2. Arrived at an accommodation and she went in without even asking me if I need help with the multiple luggage and I got annoyed and told her that.
3. Lived on a boat and told her I've never had sex on a boat and she ignored me and there it came the "needs discussion", told her about my needs.
4. And I started to talk about the new place for us and I felt she shrugged me off, telling that not finding the new right place means pressure for her.

Also we had an odd conversation when she asked me if I am searching for the "infatuation" we had at the beginning. It was odd because a few months earlier she told me she is missing the start of the relationship and I've told her it's normal.

So much of this could been handled differently

1. You could have said "OMG those people are very rude - I had no idea my words were bringing back those memories.  I was trying to be helpful and it must have come out wrong" and then just let it drop.   Instead you repeatedly denied that your actions made her feel bad and demanded that she not make that comparison.  

2. Instead of getting annoyed about the luggage, you could have gone in with the the first bags and stated that there's more to come in and asked could she give you a hand.   Or perhaps she was going to focus more on the unpacking?  

3. Talking about your needs is good, but it should have finesse.   Right time, right place, right words.  And talking about how you feel.  "We haven't been intimate so much recently and I miss you" is so much nicer than mentioning "needs".  You catch more flies with honey  

I don't know if this cricket phrase translates, but in relationships, sometimes you just have to "let it through to the keeper".  Yes, some balls aren't good balls, but taking a swing at every bad balls will just bring you undone in the long run  

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, John Grogan said:

 she needs to understand that my needs are as important as hers and we've managed to build something that will go to waste if this continues this way.

Are you going through with your threats to leave if she doesn't take care of your needs? Try to work something out with the lease and the living arrangements. Ultimatums about we need to have more sex or it's over doesn't really inspire much. Why not cut your losses?

[Rusty78]

On 8/24/2023 at 5:11 PM, John Grogan said:

Hi everyone,

I feel my relationship is ending and I don't understand why.

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 

So, if your SO is not giving you "Intimacy" who is she giving it to?

Her work "stress" is likely where.

On 8/25/2023 at 2:10 PM, John Grogan said:

 

Also we had an odd conversation when she asked me if I am searching for the "infatuation" we had at the beginning. It was odd because a few months earlier she told me she is missing the start of the relationship and I've told her it's normal.

Are you positive she is not experiencing "infatuation" with a new relationship? Not yours, but "odd conversations" can wave red flags also.

Don't expect her to tell you she has been with someone else.

[John Grogan]

@Rusty78

There is no one else. She does not disappear and pops up or goes creeping in the middle of the night. No hidden phone, no suspicious messages.

 

PS: Things are better since the talk, we are close to our usual self. But still the bigger flat and moving on is still there and for the moment I will see where we are going.

[John Grogan]

@S2B

There is no time for her to cheat on me. She doesn't go out, she rarely meets her friends, doesn't check the phone non stop and so on.

She doesn't have a window to cheat.

[JTSW]

20 hours ago, John Grogan said:

@S2B

There is no time for her to cheat on me. She doesn't go out, she rarely meets her friends, doesn't check the phone non stop and so on.

She doesn't have a window to cheat.

That you know of.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/11/2023 at 3:25 AM, John Grogan said:

Things are better since the talk, we are close to our usual self. But still the bigger flat and moving on is still there and for the moment I will see where we are going.

Unfortunately it seems like the issue is being cramped in her apartment and a lot of turbulent arguments during the vacation.

This has nothing to do with cheating. Try not to jump to conclusions about "if you're not getting it, somebody else is". It takes the focus off the long standing general discord and almost sounds paranoid.

This has to do with your "needs" not being met as often as you would like because she told you she's stressed out about a lot of things and needs a bit more space.

Often problems aren't due to some third party, just the two people involved not getting along, and not being able to communicate without each one seeming selfish to the other.

It's good you're talking again and both trying to be more patient and understanding with each other. 

Edited September 13, 2023 by Wiseman2