SurfCity Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 14 minutes ago, John Grogan said: That is what I am planning to do today. But, from an outsider's point of view, what if she goes into defensive mode? The only thing to do is sit down face to face and find out what's going on. If she gets defensive it could be because she met someone else, or she wants to break up but doesn't want to be the bad guy, or she plain doesn't know why things are falling apart. She could be just as confused about it as you are.
JTSW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 23 minutes ago, John Grogan said: That is what I am planning to do today. But, from an outsider's point of view, what if she goes into defensive mode? Then you tell her if she can't give you a simple yes or no answer then you are calling it. It's not fair to you to be kept hanging like this.
Author John Grogan Posted August 25, 2023 Author Posted August 25, 2023 Thank you. There is no one else. 100% 26 minutes ago, SurfCity said: or she plain doesn't know why things are falling apart. She could be just as confused about it as you are. This is my absolute biggest worry. What do I do here? Knowing me, I would get frustrated and walk away because I feel that is not fair for me. Then what? What if it's a mistake?
JTSW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 At the end of the day, it's important for couples to communicate, so any issues can be calmly and proactively resolved. She's not communicating with you. 1
JTSW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 Just now, John Grogan said: Sadly, that is the case. And it's not fair on you. That's why you need to her ask her for a straight yes or no answer, and if she can't do that, then you are calling it. 1
Author John Grogan Posted August 25, 2023 Author Posted August 25, 2023 I really hope I will not come out to strong. The idea is to let her talk, someone who is not talking.
JTSW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 3 minutes ago, John Grogan said: I really hope I will not come out to strong. The idea is to let her talk, someone who is not talking. put across to her what I said first, then listen. You both need to talk. 1
Alpacalia Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 (edited) Whoa.... She's really giving you the cold shoulder here. I am not sure this has to do with you or more her own issues. Some of the things you've mentioned may indeed have added to this, but it could also be something bigger and more personal. The weight gain could be depressing and stressing her out and it could very well be the cause of her lack of intimacy and avoidance of any sort of communication with you. I would not take things too personally, unless you had a major argument or something, it sounds like she is dealing with her own personal issues. It is always tempting to want to solve the problem and make things better, but this might not be something you can fix. Remember, your role is to provide a safe space for her to express herself, not necessarily to fix it. I'm not suggesting that you suffer in silence, but your SO isn't open to talking very much right now. Let her come to you when she's ready to talk. She may choose to open up to you at some point down the line. This is hurting you. She needs to know that in order to recognize that she is putting strain on your relationship. Don't let her cold shoulder hurt you in silence, and try to talk about it when the time is right. Don't push her too hard, and try to make her see how her behavior is affecting you. Kind of a delicate balancing act, huh? But, it's worth a shot. Equally important, she should understand that maintaining this distance is not a stance you wish to uphold in the relationship. She's icing you out and just because she can't process her feelings doesn't mean you should suffer/suffer in silence with her. Tell her that you're talking a few days to get your thoughts/ feelings together because you're not sure that this is the type of relationship you want. And if she wants to talk about it, to reach out. Then, I would go about living your life with some independence as if she doesn't exist for a few days. Let her come to you if she wants to talk about it. If she doesn't, then you know what you have to do. Edited August 25, 2023 by Alpacalia 2
FMW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 (edited) It sounds like the change occurred on your trip. Think through it carefully and see if you can remember more than just the driving incident. Sometimes we aren't always as sensitive to others as we think and we miss how they might react to things, whether to us or to some other source. I'm someone who definitely needs time on my own, but I've discovered that after a few weeks of 24/7 togetherness on vacations with my boyfriend, I actually miss him more when I have time to myself again. It doesn't seem like just needing general time alone would result in shutting you out. If you really have no idea and she continues to refuse to talk to you, stop asking and don't show your frustration by saying or doing something you might regret later or that she might see as you being a bully (since she said "enough" during the driving incident, it seems like she might be sensitive to that, whether fair or not). You've done what you can. You then decide how much time you are willing to give her to come around. It sounds like she has pre-existing mental health issues that are flaring up again. Only she can do what's needed to try and make things better. All you can do is decide what you need to do for yourself. Edited August 25, 2023 by FMW
Author John Grogan Posted August 25, 2023 Author Posted August 25, 2023 9 minutes ago, FMW said: It sounds like the change occurred on your trip. Think through it carefully and see if you can remember more than just the driving incident. Sometimes we aren't always as sensitive to others as we think and we miss how they might react to things, whether to us or to some other source. I'm someone who definitely needs time on my own, but I've discovered that after a few weeks of 24/7 togetherness on vacations with my boyfriend, I actually miss him more when I have time to myself again. It doesn't seem like just needing general time alone would result in shutting you out. If you really have no idea and she continues to refuse to talk to you, stop asking and don't show your frustration by saying or doing something you might regret later or that she might see as you being a bully (since she said "enough" during the driving incident, it seems like she might be sensitive to that, whether fair or not). You've done what you can. You then decide how much time you are willing to give her to come around. It sounds like she has pre-existing mental health issues that are flaring up again. Only she can do what's needed to try and make things better. All you can do is decide what you need to do for yourself. Thank you for your input. I am thinking, but really all of my reactions were reactive to something. I remembered I went for a walk on the beach at some point, after an argument, but went for about 15 minutes, not much. Thinking it now, it was rude, but I needed to recalibrate myself, but that was about it. What worries me is that her previous relationship ended after a trip and from what I know, another one in the past. You mentioned I might say something I might regret later, which is true, I am very afraid of and there is another thing I don't know how to do: giving space in a situation like this. When things are normal, everything is fine, I can go two weeks and I am fine. Giving space when things are not right, I feel terrible.
Author John Grogan Posted August 25, 2023 Author Posted August 25, 2023 But I am curious: Was a mistake to tell her my needs? Isn't the foundations of a healthy relationship is to talk about that with your loved one instead of ignoring it? I am asking because I've talked a bit with some people who have an opposite opinion.
JTSW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 13 minutes ago, John Grogan said: But I am curious: Was a mistake to tell her my needs? Isn't the foundations of a healthy relationship is to talk about that with your loved one instead of ignoring it? I am asking because I've talked a bit with some people who have an opposite opinion. No, it absolutely was not a mistake. A key aspect to every relationship is honesty.
FMW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 No, of course it was not a mistake. The issue might be that the normal "rules" don't apply when dealing with someone with mental health issues. You are under no obligation to accommodate her issues, in any way. You also can't force her to deal with things the way you think she should, in the way you think is fair and right. The only power you have is choosing how you respond, and whether or not you stick around.
Author John Grogan Posted August 25, 2023 Author Posted August 25, 2023 The thing is I've never been with someone who has mental health problems. But I didn't stop on trying to be with her. However, as you mentioned, there is not a normal "rule" for all of this.
JTSW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 3 minutes ago, John Grogan said: The thing is I've never been with someone who has mental health problems. But I didn't stop on trying to be with her. However, as you mentioned, there is not a normal "rule" for all of this. You are not responsible for mental health issues. That's for her to deal.
FMW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 My boyfriend of four years is diagnosed with ADHD and Depression. He's a wonderful man and I love him very much. On the occasions when he's having a difficult episode, I've had to learn to step back and not try to fix things for him, he has to do what is necessary to get things under control. During those episodes I also have learned to read where he's coming from and not get into discussions that he's not up for having at that moment. They are not going to be productive and certainly not helpful for our relationship. That's my experience. I choose to be in the relationship, and I value him for all the wonderful things he is. I also accept the things that at times are not so wonderful. Occasionally it can be draining for me - and an absolute struggle for him that breaks my heart. As I stated before, you absolutely are not under any obligation to deal with her or her issues. Most people probably wouldn't, and there is no shame in that. But if you stay, make sure you understand what you're dealing with. Just a note though - if her current issues are NOT about her mental health, then that's another situation altogether.
Author John Grogan Posted August 25, 2023 Author Posted August 25, 2023 8 minutes ago, FMW said: But if you stay, make sure you understand what you're dealing with. And this I am trying. She doesn't open up with this. Did your bf tell you about this? Warned you? I remember when her grandmother had an accident and I went and gave her a hug and she was like uncomfortable with it. I am trying to guess what is wrong with her and that is not fair, from my point of view.
Author John Grogan Posted August 25, 2023 Author Posted August 25, 2023 (edited) Ok, she just texted me: Babe, you want to go tonight in my hometown to meet those acquaintances and spend the weekend there at my parents home? I am officially baffled. Edited August 25, 2023 by John Grogan
FMW Posted August 25, 2023 Posted August 25, 2023 (edited) 30 minutes ago, John Grogan said: Did your bf tell you about this? Warned you? He let me know about it as things went along, and then as time went on he was more comfortable discussing it with me, knowing I had already witnessed it and had stuck around. Sometimes people that have these issues have a history of people making them feel bad or wrong when they are going through a bad period and they can be defensive and hesitant to share what's going on. Her text indicates that this was an anxiety/depression issue more than likely. So I would suggest that if it seems she's "better" now you bring it up gently and let her know how her actions made you feel. Gently is the key word, she's probably not going to be responsive to an approach that is blaming or demanding explanation (although it's understandable that's how you would feel). That doesn't mean she won't do it again, but if you understand what's happening maybe it will be easier to deal with. If she isn't willing to discuss it, ever, regardless of whether she's doing ok or not, then that's a problem. Edited August 25, 2023 by FMW 1
JTSW Posted August 26, 2023 Posted August 26, 2023 On 8/25/2023 at 3:52 PM, John Grogan said: Ok, she just texted me: Babe, you want to go tonight in my hometown to meet those acquaintances and spend the weekend there at my parents home? I am officially baffled. What was your response? Its obvious you went along.
SurfCity Posted August 26, 2023 Posted August 26, 2023 On 8/25/2023 at 6:13 AM, John Grogan said: But I am curious: Was a mistake to tell her my needs? Isn't the foundations of a healthy relationship is to talk about that with your loved one instead of ignoring it? It depends on how the conversation came up. It sounds like you made a crass comment about having sex on the boat, she rolled her eyes because you were being juvenile, then you started talking about your needs for wanting sex. If that's how the conversation went, you were wrong to bring up your needs like that. 1
Author John Grogan Posted August 28, 2023 Author Posted August 28, 2023 Hi everyone, So there is an update here. We've left on Friday and I was my normal self, acted as usual and tried to find the perfect opportunity to discuss things with her. On saturday, after lunch, we were watching a movie and we started slowly discussing things, actually she did. She opened up and said that she is basically close to burnout because of her job and because she is not well with herself. The pressure she is putting on herself is making her unhappy. She pointed out multiple times that this has nothing to do with me, does not want a break, does not want to break up, but what is she really afraid now, and focus on the word afraid, is to move in a bigger flat, because she said: "we might not have our independence anymore and with my current state of mind, with my unhappiness, I will ruin this and I don't want that" So, of course, I asked her then why she acted like this and she told me she has no idea, she didn't do it on purpose, but felt sorry she didn't communicate. So, after all of this, our weekend was full of sex and cuddles, like before march. So, I will still need time to digest this, but I really understood what she was saying and I think she is completely right, moving to a different place now, being together EVERY TIME will do her harm. And that is the last thing I want. I understand that is going to be a really, really difficult road in front and the situation might now end up how I hope it will, but I love her and I want to try and continue to make our relationship something she feels good and safe in it and to provide her a place where she is loved. Don't know If I will make it, but I want to be fair with her, but with my feelings also and give it my all.
Author John Grogan Posted August 28, 2023 Author Posted August 28, 2023 3 minutes ago, S2B said: The update seems to focus on her feelings and what she wants. did you tell her how you feel? How this change affects you? I’m worried you two don’t openly communicate - and that your feelings are being considered. if she’s been in therapy this long and isn’t a better communicator with you - then what is she learning while she’s in therapy? She has work to do. Yes, I've told her. I've told her what I was missing and what do I need from her and she seemed to understand. I didn't hold back, but did it without being angry, rude or something. Explained to her she is not alone in this, we are equal, we both have needs and desires. Yeah, her therapy is something that worries me because I feel things are not super ok. Don't know who's fault is it, her's or the therapist. Asked her when she will start again and she told that not on the 15, both on the 25. It seems quite long. I want to give her a chance and see if she will work on herself or not. If she doesn't then, most likely, she will never will and our relationship will never progress.
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2023 Posted August 28, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, John Grogan said: . Don't know who's fault is it, her's or the therapist Try not to micromanage her mental health. Just observe if you're compatible. Instead step back and give her the space she needs. You seem to be crowding her too much. Perhaps if you move back to your own place full time it would help sort things out rather than trying to look for bigger apartments when you have your own and she rents out her place to live in the shared apartment. Edited August 28, 2023 by Wiseman2 2
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