Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Hi everyone,

I feel my relationship is ending and I don't understand why.

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

I am not a needy person, however, I felt that in the past 6-7 months, things went slowly in that direction. There are two main reasons here: 1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 2. She gained a bit of weight (6kg). She is thin, and from this she started to feel unattractive and the mood for everything else went down. She didn't get fat, just the few small pounds "people in relationships have".

I love her, but she has her history. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago so I understood what I was doing when we started this (going on 2 years now). But I am worried this is something I can't solve and the more it goes on, the more frustrated I get because of the situation. Also, I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her.

PS: There is no one else involved PPS: I don't think she felt out of love with me

PPS: We are going on two years, living together, but having also our own apartments. I am 36 si will be 36 in Nov.

I love her, I want this to work, but I don't know what to do. The last two days we are not together and she is ignoring me and all of her replies are two word sentences. I don't want to be clingly and needy, but I feel like crap, can't work, can't eat, I feel I a want to cry.

Please help.

Posted
1 hour ago, John Grogan said:

 I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

It seems like something went wrong on vacation with regard to sexual incompatibilities and she's stepping back and reflecting. It also seems like she has a lot going on and may be dealing with a bit of depression again. 

Posted

It seems that you have discovered that you are incompatible.

She has realised this too and is slowly stepping back from the relationship. 

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do and just have to respect that this may be over.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
1 minute ago, JTSW said:

It seems that you have discovered that you are incompatible.

She has realised this too and is slowly stepping back from the relationship. 

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do and just have to respect that this may be over.

I understand that and I can accept incompatibility, what I don't understand how this is happening. How we ended up here and why isn't she able to tell me listen, this is over.

Posted
16 minutes ago, John Grogan said:

I understand that and I can accept incompatibility, what I don't understand how this is happening. How we ended up here and why isn't she able to tell me listen, this is over.

I think her ignoring you is her cowardly way of telling you its over.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
1 minute ago, JTSW said:

I think her ignoring you is her cowardly way of telling you its over.

But at the first, let say, major argument?

I am baffled.

Posted
22 minutes ago, John Grogan said:

But at the first, let say, major argument?

I am baffled.

Argument or not, you're not compatible.

Therefore, more and more tensions will build until one of you calls it.

She seems to have allot of personal issues too by the sound of it then she needs to address.

  • Author
Posted

She is addressing them, but I feel it's not working.

And I don't know if her reaction is just her being her with her weirdness or is it her acting out and trying to frustrate me.

Posted (edited)

I'm not convinced you're truly incompatible (based only on what you've written). BUT, incompatible or not, people sometimes decide to break it off. If that happens, there's often not much the other person can do.

If you're not seeing the reasons, well, there are many possible ones. For example, maybe there's something in your dynamic that bothers her a lot more than you realize/she has admitted. Or as you mention the work and other life stresses or mental health issues are returning. "Compatibility" isn't only about the two people, but also about their current respective life circumstances, and that factor may have come into play. There are also folks out there who think they want to be with someone, but are actually unconsciously uncomfortable in functioning relationships and eventually find ways to sabotage them.

Don't know what the case is with you and her, but what you describe does sound like it could be a "slow fade". By all means take reasonable steps to rectify things - she may come around after a bit. But while you hope for the best, also plan for the worst, and recognize that sometimes the other person's head is where it is and you may not be able to prevent her from ending things if that's genuinely what she wants to do...

BTW, my gut sense is that you may be an anxious/avoidant attachment style couple (with you being the anxious one and her being the avoidant). That's something you might want to look into, e.g. via some internet research, as it may help give some perspective on your mutual behaviors and the emotional "processing" going on behind them.

Edited by mark clemson
  • Like 1
Posted

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Op. def try to give her and yourself some space to process and figure yourselves out. 
 

It sounds like she’s very wishy washy on how she feels still, so space and time will be needed. In the meantime here for ya if you need support to cope or just vent. 

Posted
6 hours ago, JTSW said:

I think her ignoring you is her cowardly way of telling you its over.

I agree. People that do this leave so much assumptions on the table that could easily be avoided if they’re just honest. I’d rather the truth hurt instead of unsaid things that end up as assumptions and just further drives anxiety. Not cool. 

Posted
7 hours ago, John Grogan said:

But at the first, let say, major argument?

Unfortunately the vacation sounds like it was a fiasco and brought up a lot of issues. So it's as good a time as any to reflect if going forward is what either of you want.

  • Author
Posted

An update: went on a three hour walk to decompress and when I arrived home she video called me.
She acted okish, talked about our day and I've asked her what is wrong, she looks sad and her reply was "I don't know, life in general". Asked if she is upset on me and she put on a face "why should I be?!" then went on and found a post-it I gaved her and showed it to me happily.
Tried to found out what happened and she said she doesn't feel like talking about it and I've dropped it.

So, what is happening?!

  • Author
Posted
2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

BTW, my gut sense is that you may be an anxious/avoidant attachment style couple (with you being the anxious one and her being the avoidant). That's something you might want to look into, e.g. via some internet research, as it may help give some perspective on your mutual behaviors and the emotional "processing" going on behind them.

Absolutely, this is the case. I think I am the anxious one, but I don't have a low self-esteem at all.

What is odd about it is that this comes out only in situations like this one. I never had it so far in our relationship until now. Never.

 

  • Like 1
Posted
27 minutes ago, John Grogan said:

An update: went on a three hour walk to decompress and when I arrived home she video called me.
She acted okish, talked about our day and I've asked her what is wrong, she looks sad and her reply was "I don't know, life in general". Asked if she is upset on me and she put on a face "why should I be?!" then went on and found a post-it I gaved her and showed it to me happily.
Tried to found out what happened and she said she doesn't feel like talking about it and I've dropped it.

So, what is happening?!

Sounds like she’s picking at straws at this point. She sounds nonchalant. I’d give her space and let her figure things out on her own. Sometimes with avoidant personalities if you push them too hard, they shut the door closed with no remorse or won’t let you back in. 

  • Author
Posted
18 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn’t communicate effectively with you? Someone who isn’t treating you right?

Because it wasn't like this and I need to understand what is happening before I make a decision.

Posted
12 hours ago, John Grogan said:

But at the first, let say, major argument?

I am baffled.

What was the argument about? Did you yell at her? Call her names? What happened? 

  • Author
Posted

@SurfCity

No, I am not like that at all.

1. in the car she was stressed at first because we were in a foreign country and I was trying to help, but without being annoying. And she said: ok enough! - because she has some acquaintances, a couple, where he makes her feel like trash while driving. I said to her multiple times this is not the case and it will never be so please do not compare with me. But I was pissed she was comparing me to that.
2. Arrived at an accommodation and she went in without even asking me if I need help with the multiple luggage and I got annoyed and told her that.
3. Lived on a boat and told her I've never had sex on a boat and she ignored me and there it came the "needs discussion", told her about my needs.
4. And I started to talk about the new place for us and I felt she shrugged me off, telling that not finding the new right place means pressure for her.

Also we had an odd conversation when she asked me if I am searching for the "infatuation" we had at the beginning. It was odd because a few months earlier she told me she is missing the start of the relationship and I've told her it's normal.

  • Author
Posted

We chatted a bit last night and I've sent her a video with something on Instagram and saw she didn't react on it (she does it every time) and I asked her hey did you see that video? And her reply was: I saw it. Then radio silence. Then "Thank you". It feels odd, you know? She never reacts like this.

Then this morning, nothing. No good morning message, nothing so far. And I don't want to do it, I don't want to be the one that initiates this.

I really want to tell her today that this attitude is hurting me.

Posted
9 minutes ago, John Grogan said:

@SurfCity

No, I am not like that at all.

1. in the car she was stressed at first because we were in a foreign country and I was trying to help, but without being annoying. And she said: ok enough! - because she has some acquaintances, a couple, where he makes her feel like trash while driving. I said to her multiple times this is not the case and it will never be so please do not compare with me. But I was pissed she was comparing me to that.
2. Arrived at an accommodation and she went in without even asking me if I need help with the multiple luggage and I got annoyed and told her that.
3. Lived on a boat and told her I've never had sex on a boat and she ignored me and there it came the "needs discussion", told her about my needs.
4. And I started to talk about the new place for us and I felt she shrugged me off, telling that not finding the new right place means pressure for her.

Also we had an odd conversation when she asked me if I am searching for the "infatuation" we had at the beginning. It was odd because a few months earlier she told me she is missing the start of the relationship and I've told her it's normal.

Seems like your personalities are clashing. You two might not be a good match. 

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

But after two years?

Posted
12 hours ago, John Grogan said:

Because it wasn't like this and I need to understand what is happening before I make a decision.

Maybe she's upset that you won't commit after 2 years. You both have one foot out the door by keeping your own apartments and you haven't proposed. Maybe she's tired of waiting and doesn't want to beg for a ring. 

I don't understand why you're texting and facetiming each other about important relationship issues when you live together. Those conversations should happen face to face.

There seems to be a lot of distance between you two emotionally and physically. That could be what is making her annoyed with you lately.  

Posted
1 hour ago, John Grogan said:

But after two years?

The length of time doesn't matter.

It takes as long as it takes to realise the incompatibility.

She doesn't sound in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship.

You are trying so hard to see anything positive but she just will not communicate anything with you.

You need to ask her straight if she wants to be in a relationship with you and that you just need a yes or no answer.

Waiting around playing guessing games is not healthy.

 

  • Author
Posted
2 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

Maybe she's upset that you won't commit after 2 years. You both have one foot out the door by keeping your own apartments and you haven't proposed. Maybe she's tired of waiting and doesn't want to beg for a ring. 

I don't understand why you're texting and facetiming each other about important relationship issues when you live together. Those conversations should happen face to face.

There seems to be a lot of distance between you two emotionally and physically. That could be what is making her annoyed with you lately.  

No, that is not the case with marriage, yet, but she didn't give some hints either. We were focusing on finding a new home for us.

We have our flats because we own then and I didn't rent mine, she did. Mine is more of a storage place with all of my things, family things etc.

When we moved in, I knew she was doing therapy via Zoom, so we decided that on that day, I would sleep at home. Some sort of an arrangement for her to "decompress" after the sessions.

So, now, when we came back from the holiday "she wanted to be with herself", nothing out of the ordinary, as this happened since day one of our relationship. However, this time she started ignoring me. this never happens when we are not together in those days.

  • Author
Posted
10 minutes ago, JTSW said:

The length of time doesn't matter.

It takes as long as it takes to realise the incompatibility.

She doesn't sound in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship.

You are trying so hard to see anything positive but she just will not communicate anything with you.

You need to ask her straight if she wants to be in a relationship with you and that you just need a yes or no answer.

Waiting around playing guessing games is not healthy.

 

That is what I am planning to do today.

But, from an outsider's point of view, what if she goes into defensive mode?

×
×
  • Create New...