Relationship problems

[L1991]

So I’ve been with my gf for almost a year now. She’s 31 lives with her parents who she’s close with and I’m 32 live alone about 40 minutes away. I am her first relationship.

These past couple months have been difficult for us due to various reasons. I secured a new job which has been very stressful and taken up a lot of my time as I’ve been wanting to make a good impression.  She has been sick, stressed at her work and also secured a new job which she’s worried about and starts next month.   She is a huge over-thinker and worrier. Lately we’ve been having arguments over small stupid things.  We still love eachother but we went on vacation for my birthday last week which she planned a lot for and we argued at times there.  We had a good time but at times I said things out of anger, she said things which I may have taken the wrong way and it just escalated. After it we apologised but it wasn’t nice.

she said to me that she feels she makes me angry a lot and that I’ve not been as patient with her since starting my new job. She also said that I don’t seem interested when people are talking to me or telling me stories in a conversation and that Im not interested when she wants to dance and have fun on a night out.  She also said I take things the wrong way when she says certain things and that she sometimes says stuff as a joke but I take it too seriously.  
 

I disagreed with some of this, I agreed work Has stressed me out and I apologised for everything.  I now see that instead of losing patience with her worrying and me responding angrily I will take a step back and look at both sides and be willing to work on things.  
 

tonight she told me she still loves me but there’s certain elements of our arguments last week on vacation that she’s not over and needs to snap out of which can take time as she’s very stubborn. I apologised and explained everything and how I’d move past this and she acknowledged it and said that she’s sure we will but needs time and space to Sort her head out.   I asked what that means and if she wants me to stop texting and leave her alone that’s fine as I will respect that if that’s what she wants.  She then said no she doesnt mean that and does want to text as normal but wants a few days to snap out of it before meeting up with me as she wants time to miss me.  I don’t know how long this will be but She said she was glad I was now looking from both sides of things but wants the bad feeling between us to stop and to Just have fun like we usually do.  I agreed and explained we will. 

what can I do here? I know I’ve got to just not mention meeting up with her.  But I don’t want to feel awkward or think are we on the rocks here?   I know I’ve just got to go bacK to how I was and that’s fine for me but how do we both just get past this. We are going out in two weeks with her brother and his gf and friends but obviously I’d like to see her before then. 

 

 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, L1991 said:

These past couple months have been difficult for us due to various reasons. I secured a new job which has been very stressful and taken up a lot of my time as I’ve been wanting to make a good impression.  She has been sick, stressed at her work and also secured a new job which she’s worried about and starts next month.   She is a huge over-thinker and worrier. Lately we’ve been having arguments over small stupid things.  We still love eachother but we went on vacation for my birthday last week which she planned a lot for and we argued at times there.  We had a good time but at times I said things out of anger, she said things which I may have taken the wrong way and it just escalated. After it we apologised but it wasn’t nice.

I have a feeling we might need to dig down a bit further into this.   

Firstly, there's the issue of arguing over stupid small things.  Logically, if the issues are small, they shouldn't be causing problems.  Or, perhaps the problems really aren't small ones?    Can you give some examples of some of the things which are happening?

It's good that you're working on your patience, but is she also working on her worrying and overthinking?  There are likely strategies which both of you can use so that you don't drive each other nuts.

10 minutes ago, L1991 said:

she said to me that she feels she makes me angry a lot and that I’ve not been as patient with her since starting my new job. She also said that I don’t seem interested when people are talking to me or telling me stories in a conversation and that Im not interested when she wants to dance and have fun on a night out.  She also said I take things the wrong way when she says certain things and that she sometimes says stuff as a joke but I take it too seriously.  

I disagreed with some of this, I agreed work Has stressed me out and I apologised for everything.  I now see that instead of losing patience with her worrying and me responding angrily I will take a step back and look at both sides and be willing to work on things.  

You don't say exactly what you disagreed with, but you have agreed that you show impatience with her.  That's good.  So I assume you think she's wrong about you not having fun with her and you believe you do appear interested in others   However, given that she's telling you what she sees, then there's a good chance there's something behind her observations.  Have you asked what she sees you doing/not doing which makes it look like you're not interested in others?  Or that you don't want to dance or have a fun night out?   Thing is, just because you don't see it yourself, it doesn't mean that it's not happening or that others don't see it.  (There's someone in my life who appears uninterested in others and if asked, I could describe exactly what it is they do which makes it look that way)

All in all, it sounds like she's very angry and hurt and has one foot out the door.  Rushing her into seeing you again soon isn't smart, but likewise, don't agree with any extended breaks because that solves nothing.  

[L1991]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I have a feeling we might need to dig down a bit further into this.   

Firstly, there's the issue of arguing over stupid small things.  Logically, if the issues are small, they shouldn't be causing problems.  Or, perhaps the problems really aren't small ones?    Can you give some examples of some of the things which are happening?

It's good that you're working on your patience, but is she also working on her worrying and overthinking?  There are likely strategies which both of you can use so that you don't drive each other nuts.

You don't say exactly what you disagreed with, but you have agreed that you show impatience with her.  That's good.  So I assume you think she's wrong about you not having fun with her and you believe you do appear interested in others   However, given that she's telling you what she sees, then there's a good chance there's something behind her observations.  Have you asked what she sees you doing/not doing which makes it look like you're not interested in others?  Or that you don't want to dance or have a fun night out?   Thing is, just because you don't see it yourself, it doesn't mean that it's not happening or that others don't see it.  (There's someone in my life who appears uninterested in others and if asked, I could describe exactly what it is they do which makes it look that way)

All in all, it sounds like she's very angry and hurt and has one foot out the door.  Rushing her into seeing you again soon isn't smart, but likewise, don't agree with any extended breaks because that solves nothing.  

Small things are just little arguments over unnecessary things. Trying to joke around but taking things too seriously.   She’s always been a worrier and overthinker and in the past I’ve just been patient with her and told her everything will be fine.. whereas now she says due to me being stressed at work I’ve reacted in an inpatient angry way and shouted and said it will be fine stop worrying.  
 

she said that when socialising together people have been talking to me and as I’m listening I look away for a few seconds.  (I’m still listening but my eyes looked away for a few seconds).  Or maybe I don’t respond in an enthusiastic way.   Her family and friends love me and she said she was just telling me as she knows I’m nice and never rude and just wants me to be aware in case someone ever did think i was rude.  (Again I think this was her overthinking in her part). But ok I acknowledge it and will take that on board.  The not having fun part is when we argued twice on a night out. She was singing and dancing and I was not because I was mad after an argument we had.  It just takes me an hour or so to forget it.  She’s based that statement after those two arguments.   Most recent being last week on vacation. 
 

I’d be very surprised if she has own foot out the door as she does love me and has always been willing to work through rough patches. And has even said she’s sure if snapping out of it soon. If I was to say let’s end things or just not talk for a bit she would hate that as it would hurt her. She just wants things to go back to how they were a couple months ago and so do I but says she wants me to prove it rather than say it over text or in words. I just hope she does miss me like she said she needs time to miss me but that’s confusing is she still wants to talk.  

 

 

 

[SlimShadysWife]

She kind of sounds unhinged for expecting you look straight into her eyes the whole time as she's talking. And expecting you to act and respond a certain way when you talk to people....controlling much.

You are who you are. Seems like your personalities aren't meshing.

[L1991]

3 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

She kind of sounds unhinged for expecting you look straight into her eyes the whole time as she's talking. And expecting you to act and respond a certain way when you talk to people....controlling much.

You are who you are. Seems like your personalities aren't meshing.

I can understand where she’s coming from in terms that she overthinks stuff and just wants to have a good time. I’ve acknowledged it and took it on Board for the future but I did tell her I think she was just overthinking about it.  My difficulty now is yeah she still wants to talk but I’m not sure how much I should.. considering she just wants a few days to snap out of her thought process about last week.   If I ever discuss giving her space by not talking or going on a break shel get upset, I don’t want that either.  At the end of the day yeah there’s still stuff we can learn about each other and help each other on so that we do become more aligned. I think we are great, it’s just been a difficult couple months. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, L1991 said:

Small things are just little arguments over unnecessary things. Trying to joke around but taking things too seriously.   She’s always been a worrier and overthinker and in the past I’ve just been patient with her and told her everything will be fine.. whereas now she says due to me being stressed at work I’ve reacted in an inpatient angry way and shouted and said it will be fine stop worrying. ......Her family and friends love me and she said she was just telling me as she knows I’m nice and never rude and just wants me to be aware in case someone ever did think i was rude.  (Again I think this was her overthinking in her part). But ok I acknowledge it and will take that on board.  The not having fun part is when we argued twice on a night out. She was singing and dancing and I was not because I was mad after an argument we had.  It just takes me an hour or so to forget it.  She’s based that statement after those two arguments.   Most recent being last week on vacation. 

So there's both little arguments and arguments big enough where you take an hour or so to cool off?  Are they all related to you getting fed up about her anxiety or are there other issues?   Moreso, how did the two of manage to ruin a night out by arguing twice?   I mean, the two of you can't be on your best behaviour for a date night, then there are real problems.

There is no excuse for yelling at her to stop worrying.  And "it will be fine" might sound reassuring to you, but in reality it is a very dismissive response.  It's like telling an upset person to calm down -  it doesn't help.   Ideally your support would be about talking things through and the possible different outcomes and taking each one to the end.    But at the same time, does she acknowledge that her anxiety levels are at a point which are causing problems?  Does she acknowledge that there's only so many times you can reasonably support her on each topic?  What active steps is she taking to manage her anxiety?  She needs to learn to sort this stuff out in her own head without putting it on you. Would I be right in thinking that she's wanting you to change but is doing nothing to change her own behaviour?   Has she spoken to her doctor about her anxiety levels? 

 

Quote

she said that when socialising together people have been talking to me and as I’m listening I look away for a few seconds.  (I’m still listening but my eyes looked away for a few seconds).  Or maybe I don’t respond in an enthusiastic way.  

Yeah, my eye contact isn't great so I understand.  If you're asking questions to further the conversation, nobody will think you're disinterested.  But you do need to keep a positive tone of voice. 

Quote

I’d be very surprised if she has own foot out the door as she does love me and has always been willing to work through rough patches. And has even said she’s sure if snapping out of it soon. If I was to say let’s end things or just not talk for a bit she would hate that as it would hurt her. She just wants things to go back to how they were a couple months ago and so do I but says she wants me to prove it rather than say it over text or in words. I just hope she does miss me like she said she needs time to miss me but that’s confusing is she still wants to talk.  

I was either of you, I'd have one foot out the door!   So anyway, she's wanting you to prove that you've changed....but what positive steps is she taking to address her own issues?   This isn't all on you.

[SlimShadysWife]

 

27 minutes ago, L1991 said:

I can understand where she’s coming from in terms that she overthinks stuff and just wants to have a good time. I’ve acknowledged it and took it on Board for the future but I did tell her I think she was just overthinking about it.  My difficulty now is yeah she still wants to talk but I’m not sure how much I should.. considering she just wants a few days to snap out of her thought process about last week.   If I ever discuss giving her space by not talking or going on a break shel get upset, I don’t want that either.  At the end of the day yeah there’s still stuff we can learn about each other and help each other on so that we do become more aligned. I think we are great, it’s just been a difficult couple months. 

She told you that she still wants to text as normal. So how you normally would text her, and your normal routine. She just doesn't want to see you in person for now. 

You just have to be patient and let her call all the shots until she misses you.

 

[L1991]

7 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

 

She told you that she still wants to text as normal. So how you normally would text her, and your normal routine. She just doesn't want to see you in person for now. 

You just have to be patient and let her call all the shots until she misses you.

 

How long should I wait before addressing that or asking the question to meet up? Again I don’t wanna instigate all the texting and seem needy.   

[L1991]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So there's both little arguments and arguments big enough where you take an hour or so to cool off?  Are they all related to you getting fed up about her anxiety or are there other issues?   Moreso, how did the two of manage to ruin a night out by arguing twice?   I mean, the two of you can't be on your best behaviour for a date night, then there are real problems.

There is no excuse for yelling at her to stop worrying.  And "it will be fine" might sound reassuring to you, but in reality it is a very dismissive response.  It's like telling an upset person to calm down -  it doesn't help.   Ideally your support would be about talking things through and the possible different outcomes and taking each one to the end.    But at the same time, does she acknowledge that her anxiety levels are at a point which are causing problems?  Does she acknowledge that there's only so many times you can reasonably support her on each topic?  What active steps is she taking to manage her anxiety?  She needs to learn to sort this stuff out in her own head without putting it on you. Would I be right in thinking that she's wanting you to change but is doing nothing to change her own behaviour?   Has she spoken to her doctor about her anxiety levels? 

 

Yeah, my eye contact isn't great so I understand.  If you're asking questions to further the conversation, nobody will think you're disinterested.  But you do need to keep a positive tone of voice. 

I was either of you, I'd have one foot out the door!   So anyway, she's wanting you to prove that you've changed....but what positive steps is she taking to address her own issues?   This isn't all on you.

I think taking an hour to cook off was just me being stubborn. She’s very stubborn and thinks it’s brushed off on to me which she hates. The argument when we were on a night out stemmed out of something so pathetic we both acknowledge that. Yelling at her I know I shouldn’t have, I’m deeply sorry for that and I’ve expressed that to her.  I always tell her things will be fine with her work stress and she will be fine but in the past she’s responded negatively to me saying that and then shuts me down by not wanting to talk about it anymore.  Work has stressed me out lately as I’ve been wanting to make a good impression and I’ve been working late but I realise now how I can balance this and just take her opinions on board and work on them in a calm manner. 
 

she doesn’t have anxiety levels where she needs to see a doctor. Or at least she doesn’t see it that way and to be honest I don’t either.  It’s just work that makes her worry more than anything.  I know I can easily change by being more upbeat in person,  not responding with a negative tone of voice and so on.  I’m just confused on when to ask to meet up again. She also hates when I bring up past arguments or whatever… but I know I won’t do that again.   She hates deep conversations and says I have a lot of them as she just wants us to have fun.  We are going out with her brother and friends in 2 weeks, I don’t want to wait until then to see her.   I’ve also booked our anniversary meal in October which she will be excited for.  I guess I’m just worried myself now on if she is questioning us… but I asked if she loved me and she does.   

[BrinnM]

Seems like she relies on you too much for everything, including her emotional security. Not sure this is healthy. I also see controlling tendencies, telling you exactly how to talk to people and such. This is probably because she herself feels out of control when it comes to her anxiety & overthinking, so she tries to control everything around her to compensate for that. And you’re the easiest “victim”, ie the easiest to control. Unless you’re omitting important details in your OP, I firmly believe she’s the problem. We all get stressed, but we can’t rely on other people to soothe us constantly, or “be patient”. We’re all adults, her included, so that’s on her. 

[L1991]

10 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Seems like she relies on you too much for everything, including her emotional security. Not sure this is healthy. I also see controlling tendencies, telling you exactly how to talk to people and such. This is probably because she herself feels out of control when it comes to her anxiety & overthinking, so she tries to control everything around her to compensate for that. And you’re the easiest “victim”, ie the easiest to control. Unless you’re omitting important details in your OP, I firmly believe she’s the problem. We all get stressed, but we can’t rely on other people to soothe us constantly, or “be patient”. We’re all adults, her included, so that’s on her. 

She said she wants it to how it was before where I was patient, willing to look after her and be loving.  I believe I still am all that but it’s just been hard these past couple months.  She doesn’t rely on me for everything. She’s very independent in ways and is a very sociable person.  I think because her personality is bubbly, chatty, and she has a large family she gets enthusiastic when talking to people.  Whereas to me I live alone, work from home, don’t have a large family and most my friends live an hour away.  When I’m with her and others it’s difficult to understand and grasp what everyone’s talking about in a large group especially when there’s background noise.  But I am always involved in the conversation and I always talk to everyone.   
 

she has also said to me that I should make more friends around where I live and do more with my friends.  I do socialise with my friends but it’s in phases throughout the year. It’s not often and that’s due to financial commitments with my house and so on which I’ve told her about.  She says she is only saying it because she cares and being alone all the time for me isn’t healthy as I work from home and I’m isolated.   But to me I’ve never looked at it as a problem until now.   Yeah it has made me overthink at times.  I know she cares and she feels like she’s making me angry a lot recently.  I’ve told her I’m sorry and that she does make me happy.   
 

another issue we’ve argued about is money. And I know this has been my fault as I’ve worried too much at times due to owning a house, car and other commitments.  And I’ve expressed my frustration at it and it’s caused an argument.  She is so kind and then tries to pay for stuff for us which I appreciate but it annoys me as I don’t want her paying for stuff as It makes me feel like a loser.  But I’ve secured a new job which will help on this.  I’ve also promised last week to not talk about money anymore and just focus on fun and that’s what I’ve done.  I’ve not mentioned it once.   So I guess she just wants to see changes.  

Edited August 21, 2023 by L1991
Text change.

[BrinnM]

She sounds more controlling with every new post. And you seem very eager to please her, trying to change, apologizing and so on. I mean, you’re a home-owner & just went through a job change, which sounds like a lot more responsibility than she has. She doesn’t even have her own place. I don’t think she’s got any business bossing you around like that. That’s just my opinion based on what I’m reading here. 

[FMW]

2 hours ago, L1991 said:

She’s 31 lives with her parents who she’s close with ............... I am her first relationship.

 

6 minutes ago, L1991 said:

She’s very independent

Being in her first relationship at 31 and living with her parents does not seem independent to me.  I would think she's used to her family dynamic where things are done in a certain way and hasn't previously had the experience of appreciating and accepting individual personalities and differences.  It sounds like she expects you to conform to what she thinks is the "right"way of interacting with others.  

One year into the relationship it seems like the two of you are having problems navigating pretty basic issues together. She does sound controlling.  Take this space to think seriously about whether this is what YOU want for the future.  

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, SlimShadysWife said:

She kind of sounds unhinged for expecting you look straight into her eyes the whole time as she's talking. And expecting you to act and respond a certain way when you talk to people....controlling much.

I think she may be use to things a certain way.

Edited August 21, 2023 by JTSW

[L1991]

9 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

She sounds more controlling with every new post. And you seem very eager to please her, trying to change, apologizing and so on. I mean, you’re a home-owner & just went through a job change, which sounds like a lot more responsibility than she has. She doesn’t even have her own place. I don’t think she’s got any business bossing you around like that. That’s just my opinion based on what I’m reading here. 

Oh don’t get me wrong she has had a lot happen this year, she’s had stressful observations at work as she’s a teacher, inspections, her uncle passed, she’s changed jobs and had to prepare for that. I perhaps haven’t been like I was with her since starting my new job which I’m eager to correct. I’m just now worried she’s overthinking more and we won’t get passed it.  She’s said she’s willing to move passed it yes but needs time before meeting up with me but still wants to talk to me.  So it’s not like she wants complete distance.  She said she just needs time to snap out of it and stop going over things but that’s all I’m doing in my own head right now.  We love each other yes and I know shel keep busy this week with preparing for her new job.  I’ve probably unintentionally painted a picture here of her being controlling but she really isn’t.   

[JTSW]

At the end of the day she either loves and accepts you for who you are or she doesn't.

You shouldn't have to change for anyone and it sounds like she is trying to change you with the guise of caring about you.

She wants to mold you into the kind of man she wants.

[L1991]

4 minutes ago, FMW said:

 

Being in her first relationship at 31 and living with her parents does not seem independent to me.  I would think she's used to her family dynamic where things are done in a certain way and hasn't previously had the experience of appreciating and accepting individual personalities and differences.  It sounds like she expects you to conform to what she thinks is the "right"way of interacting with others.  

One year into the relationship it seems like the two of you are having problems navigating pretty basic issues together. She does sound controlling.  Take this space to think seriously about whether this is what YOU want for the future.  

I know I want it, to me she is so kind and loving and always puts in the effort to do things.   She’s very close to her brother as well and he’s moved in with his gf who is like 10 minutes away.  So obviously she doesn’t like that she can’t just drive to me easily on any day if anything’s wrong or whatever.  I’ve always said I’d be willing to move to her when we feel the time is right which she accepts.  Any problems we’ve had in the past she’s always been apologetic and willing to fix things.  She’s always thought of me when I’ve been sick or had issues.  

[L1991]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

At the end of the day she either loves and accepts you for who you are or she doesn't.

You shouldn't have to change for anyone and it sounds like she is trying to change you with the guise of caring about you.

She wants to mold you into the kind of man she wants.

I have said to her in an argument that do you want some loud guy who’s always socialising and so on and she’s said no.  She just wants me and how I was before. 
 

maybe she is used to things a certain way yes and she is still learning things about me.  She has also told me the birth control pill has 100% affected her mood these past couple of months which has not helped us.  

Edited August 21, 2023 by L1991
Text change

[BrinnM]

4 minutes ago, L1991 said:

She’s said she’s willing to move passed it yes but needs time before meeting up with me but still wants to talk to me.

Move past what? You didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve been through a job change, and that was stressful, and you’ve been less “fun”, patient and accommodating. Big deal! 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, L1991 said:

She just wants me and how I was before. 

But it doesn't sound like you've really changed since meeting her.

Everyone gets very stressed with work at times and new things happening.

I don't get what she means. You are still you.

[L1991]

10 minutes ago, JTSW said:

But it doesn't sound like you've really changed since meeting her.

Everyone gets very stressed with work at times and new things happening.

I don't get what she means. You are still you.

I have changed in terms of responding in an angry tone to her or maybe taking things the wrong way when she’s just joking around.   L

[L1991]

12 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Move past what? You didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve been through a job change, and that was stressful, and you’ve been less “fun”, patient and accommodating. Big deal! 

Move past the arguments we had and just forget about them and have fun with no bad feeling. 

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, L1991 said:

I have changed in terms of responding in an angry tone to her or maybe taking things the wrong way when she’s just joking around.   L

She's naïve if she wants you to be how you used to be.  First up, she's probably thinking about when you both were on your honeymoon high.  When a person comes down from that, then the real personality shows.  Likewise, if her anxiety or worrying is dragging you down, this will also affect your mood and she needs to understand this.

Still though, all I'm reading here is what YOU are trying to do to fix this.  What changes is she planning to make?   Did you point out the irony in her complaining about you becoming stubborn when she herself is stubborn?  

If her anxiety isn't so bad that she needs to see a doctor, she really needs to stop vocalising it all and learn to self soothe the majority of the time.  If she can't do that, then she needs a doctor.

[L1991]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She's naïve if she wants you to be how you used to be.  First up, she's probably thinking about when you both were on your honeymoon high.  When a person comes down from that, then the real personality shows.  Likewise, if her anxiety or worrying is dragging you down, this will also affect your mood and she needs to understand this.

Still though, all I'm reading here is what YOU are trying to do to fix this.  What changes is she planning to make?   Did you point out the irony in her complaining about you becoming stubborn when she herself is stubborn?  

If her anxiety isn't so bad that she needs to see a doctor, she really needs to stop vocalising it all and learn to self soothe the majority of the time.  If she can't do that, then she needs a doctor.

Yeah I get that,  I’m even considering telling her that I’m going to step away until she feels we are ready to move on past this issue and meet up again. Because I don’t deal well with poor communication or dead chat.  Like I’m willing to step away and then leave the ball in her hands to see if she misses me rather than just minimal texting.  She’s said she doesn’t want to go to a part where we don’t talk to each other.  But I feel maybe that’s what will make her think about this.   I feel right now like she’s not interested and can’t get over our argument.  Like she said she needs a few days so I’m willing to give it until Thursday.  

[JTSW]

39 minutes ago, L1991 said:

I have changed in terms of responding in an angry tone to her or maybe taking things the wrong way when she’s just joking around.   L

We're all guilty of taking things the wrong way.

I'm sure she has too.

This is not one sided.

She cannot be 100% perfect either.