boyfriend doesnt put effort in fixing problems?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, rebeccca said:

boyfriend doesnt put effort in fixing problems?

Your BF isn't putting in any effort period.

Please stop initiating planning and doing all the heavy lifting. Reconsider things.

It's better to date someone who's into you than begging this man for morsels of any interest or attention.

Edited August 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Ageless Wisdom23]

...Until 3AM?  Sounds like a huge Red Flag and it is like putting you on his pay no mind list with a dip and dab.  Talk to him.😦

[Alpacalia]

The issue is that you've become the chaser in your relationship. I understand that you care deeply about him, and it pains you when he does not reciprocate the same effort. And it sounds like you have already spoken to him about your needs and he is not budging. That may mean that this relationship is not right for you, as you should not have to fight for someone to take your feelings into account.

Granted, it can be exhausting to constantly be 'on' and having to check in, especially if he is already out for long periods of time. Now, do you want to have to remind him to do this all the time, or would you rather him desiring to check in with you is natural and not begrudging? The checking in is really just a mask for the feelings that you are not as important or valued in the relationship as you'd like to be.

Obviously, I cannot make this decision for you, but be honest with yourself and ask if this is really what you want. Everyone deserves to be with someone who respects their feelings, and if he does not meet your needs in this regard, it is up to you to decide whether it is worth it to stay in the relationship.

Edited August 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Fox Sake]

On 8/21/2023 at 2:56 AM, rebeccca said:

hi, so i dont think im asking for too much from my boyfriend, but if he goes out all day until 3 am, is it too much to ask to perhaps check up on me throughout the day? see how im doing etc? i dont mind if he goes out i would just like a "hey howre you" text or something. but i get random snaps every four hrs with like absolutely no context?? maybe its his way on 'updating' me. but what hurts the most is, i made him aware of my want for him to check up on me so i dont have to chase him down for responses, he says hes 'sorry' but he makes 0 effort on trying to check up on me. its the third time now, and i dont know what to do. am i the crazy one? is it so hard to text me saying "hey howre you?" do i come off as obsessive?

I also agree with Basil’s suggestion.
 

You’re not crazy for wanting someone to treat you the same way as you would them , by the way. You’re not crazy for wanting someone to show you they are thinking about you, especially if it’s your boyfriend. If you’re not being treated as you wish, that tells a lot. 
 

The crazy part to me is why he would constantly want to go out all the time until 3am when he has everything he needs at home?! Don’t get me wrong , everyone should have their own space and time, but if it’s more about him time than you time, then you have to think if that’s something you want to put up with. it sounds like it’s not good for you and it sounds like you’re being taken for granted somewhat. 

Edited August 23, 2023 by Fox Sake
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[Samantha11]

It sounds to me like you have gotten some overall good advice. I think the texting thing is a matter of personal style, so to speak. Some people will be ok with not texting, others are going to appreciate that little nod their way as something that helps to keep things interesting. I don't think either is right or wrong, it is just a matter of what works for different people.

I think if you have communicated clearly to him - and I emphasize clearly, because there is a difference between clear communication and unclear communication - that you would like this, why you would like it, what it would mean to you, how it would make you feel... and asked him if he would be willing to give that to you... and if after three attempts at clear communication he is still refusing.... you will have to accept it. Unless it is a huge dealbreaker for you, or just another marker along a trail of ignored requests. 

But I think the bigger issue is that he is hardly seeing you, stays out to 3 am, leaves the initiative to you, and sends you random "snaps." Are those random snaps of him? If so, he sounds very "me, me" orientated, without wanting to engage you in the exchange. Like, "hey babe, look at MEEEEE!" And four hours later, "look at MEEEE again!" I could be wrong, but I get the vibe that this is a very - forgive me for using the word, I don't mean any offense by it, but for lack of a better word - "immature" relationship. Are you both very young? If you have made other requests to him and he has ignored them too, then given everything here, I would say it might be time to let this one go. Let him send pics of "MEEEE!" to someone who cares about "MEEEE!!" You deserve a "we." Best to you!

[rebeccca]

On 8/24/2023 at 5:35 AM, Samantha11 said:

It sounds to me like you have gotten some overall good advice. I think the texting thing is a matter of personal style, so to speak. Some people will be ok with not texting, others are going to appreciate that little nod their way as something that helps to keep things interesting. I don't think either is right or wrong, it is just a matter of what works for different people.

I think if you have communicated clearly to him - and I emphasize clearly, because there is a difference between clear communication and unclear communication - that you would like this, why you would like it, what it would mean to you, how it would make you feel... and asked him if he would be willing to give that to you... and if after three attempts at clear communication he is still refusing.... you will have to accept it. Unless it is a huge dealbreaker for you, or just another marker along a trail of ignored requests. 

But I think the bigger issue is that he is hardly seeing you, stays out to 3 am, leaves the initiative to you, and sends you random "snaps." Are those random snaps of him? If so, he sounds very "me, me" orientated, without wanting to engage you in the exchange. Like, "hey babe, look at MEEEEE!" And four hours later, "look at MEEEE again!" I could be wrong, but I get the vibe that this is a very - forgive me for using the word, I don't mean any offense by it, but for lack of a better word - "immature" relationship. Are you both very young? If you have made other requests to him and he has ignored them too, then given everything here, I would say it might be time to let this one go. Let him send pics of "MEEEE!" to someone who cares about "MEEEE!!" You deserve a "we." Best to you!

thank you for the response, he works at a bar until 1am, i typically like to stay up to wait, and no i dont live with him yet. weve been together for around a year and i am only 19, going on 20 quite soon so and he has turned 23, we are both quite young. but i understand he works i have no issue with him not responding because hes busy, i just have the problem when he has a friends night out, or just hanging out with his friends in general every once in a while he can just update me on whats going on. i am a person who can typically worry about people i care about, if  im getting nothing from them all day i start worrying, he sends snaps of him cracking a joke very rarely, i dont think its portrayed to me as selfish or all about him, ive come to realise after getting many responses to this thread that it probably is his way of communicating, but since i tell him such a simple issue which can be resolved by just updating me sometimes so im kept in the loop every so often i think itd be nice for him to do it as i do things he likes or better yet a "i miss you". he says he does but i tell him that id really appreciate if he could maybe let me know. i feel as if if we are not in person, there is barely any romance, verbally, i like to flirt with him on text but he makes it quite awkward and makes me feel bad about doing it. he told me that he doesnt really feel like flirting when we arent in person as im 'not there'. it feels like he doesnt even view me as his girlfriend when NOT in person, just a really good friend

[basil67]

5 hours ago, rebeccca said:

i typically like to stay up to wait, and no i dont live with him yet.

Why do you choose to stay up and wait till he gets home?   How are you able to function at work or college the next day without sleep?

[rebeccca]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why do you choose to stay up and wait till he gets home?   How are you able to function at work or college the next day without sleep?

currently im unemployed as i just finished college and ive been dealing with visa issues, so technically i have more free time than usual

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, rebeccca said:

currently im unemployed as i just finished college and ive been dealing with visa issues, so technically i have more free time than usual

Ah...glad you aren't missing out on anything.  But still, why do you choose to wait up for him?   I mean, this is a guy who can't even be bothered planning to see you.

This guy really isn't worth your time and effort

[Samantha11]

8 hours ago, rebeccca said:

 it feels like he doesnt even view me as his girlfriend when NOT in person, just a really good friend

I think that is the main thing: how does this relationship make you feel overall? Is it bringing bad feelings into your life most of the time, and he is not willing to work with you to resolve that? If that is the case, it might be time to think about ending it. But if it is usually making you feel great, and the only time it feels bad is when he is out with his friends and does not text you, then you might want to think about if that can be ok with you. If it can be brought to the level of a small annoyance but not really bother you, you might be able to live with it. But if it bothers you so much that the next day you are thinking about it, feeling bad for long spaces, becoming resentful, and it is bringing down your overall relationship, there might be some thinking to do. 

You are young, so you can easily use this experience as a testing ground for your future. Is this a deal breaker or not? If it is a dealbreaker, then you will know in the future to ask guys upfront how they feel about texting in those situations. If you feel like you don't want to loose an otherwise great relationship over this, then you could try to communicate again to him and if he still won't resolve it, see if you can find ways to be ok with it. 

We cannot get everything that we want in a relationship. The ultimate question is, are you getting ENOUGH of what you want? You will never get 100% of what you want, so while you are young this is a good time to pay attention to what you can accept and what you can't, learn how to accept the lack of the things that you would like to have but can't get if you think you can try to live without them, and just develop as a person.

In a nutshell, what can you live without and still find that the relationship makes you very happy and is a great addition to your life? How happy are you? Best to you!

Edited August 26, 2023 by Samantha11

[glows]

21 hours ago, rebeccca said:

I like to flirt with him on text but he makes it quite awkward and makes me feel bad about doing it. he told me that he doesnt really feel like flirting when we arent in person as im 'not there'. it feels like he doesnt even view me as his girlfriend when NOT in person, just a really good friend

This part stood out to me as well. You don’t sound at all compatible with this person and he seems quite insensitive with his words and you don’t communicate well or understand one another. He cannot keep dating a woman either who wants more than what he’s willing or comfortable to do in a relationship. Why are you even dating this man? 

Edited August 26, 2023 by glows

[Gaeta]

In a relationship, when we start sweating the small stuff, like why he's not telling me what he's up to, it's hiding bigger issues. 

He is not what I would call a good boyfriend for you. Seeing you once a week for an entire year is not a relationship. 

You're the same age as my daughter and her boyfriend, who's the same age, goes to college full time and works as well and he finds the time to be with her 3 days in a week. He talks to her every day, he's kind, attentive, alway gets her little gifts, supports her in her projects, come up with dates ideas. See, even at your age you have to expect a boyfriend to be present, attentive, to  make time for you, to make you feel special. The man you are dating is NOT doing that. It's time to let him go and find yourself a REAL nice guy that will treat you so much better! The world is FULL of real nice young men that would love to date you properly!