13 year old daughter had sex with 18 year old neighbour?

[Cherry01]

Hi all

This is my first post and I am quite conflicted at the moment. I recently found out that my 13 year old had sex once with my neighbourd son. My daughter is saying that she likes him and finds him really attractive. I told her he's too old for her and this is not happening anymore. I told the boy the same, he needs to leave her alone or I am telling his parents. 2 weeks forward, I haven't seen them together and I am keeping eye on her so she's definitely not in contact with him. 

I am just thinking I would appreciate some input on this and your opinion? 

Edited August 20, 2023 by Cherry01

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Cherry01 said:

. I recently found out that my 13 year old had sex once with my neighbourd son. 

Please take your daughter to a physician for a checkup and tests including STDs and pregnancy.  Research the laws in your jurisdiction about age of consent. Please don't blame your daughter and consider reporting this man. 

[Cherry01]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please take your daughter to a physician for a checkup and tests including STDs and pregnancy.  Research the laws in your jurisdiction about age of consent. Please don't blame your daughter and consider reporting this man. 

I would consider it if they kept having sex, but right now I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

All you can do is keep a wide eye open on Them, But they may be contacting each other somehow(Cell Phone, Perhaps?) Unless you have a grasp on that too.  If she even has one.  They could try and meet when she goes back to school.  Or some other way.  This is going to be hard.  The more you try and stop Them, The more eager they may be to get together.  It could get serious down the line where one day they do end up even getting married.😦

[Cherry01]

11 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

All you can do is keep a wide eye open on Them, But they may be contacting each other somehow(Cell Phone, Perhaps?) Unless you have a grasp on that too.  If she even has one.  They could try and meet when she goes back to school.  Or some other way.  This is going to be hard.  The more you try and stop Them, The more eager they may be to get together.  It could get serious down the line where one day they do end up even getting married.😦

I think in the worst case, I am going to tell his parents, as I know them from brief encounters. 

[ShyViolet]

Is your daughter educated on safe sex and birth control?  I wouldn't be as concerned about the fact that she had sex with the neighbor kid, as much as the fact your 13 year old daughter is having sex AT ALL, was this her first time or had she even been having sex before this?  This is serious, at this rate she could end up pregnant by 15.  She needs to be educated on why this is risky and irresponsible behavior.  Make sure she is on board with birth control.

[Cherry01]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Is your daughter educated on safe sex and birth control?  I wouldn't be as concerned about the fact that she had sex with the neighbor kid, as much as the fact your 13 year old daughter is having sex AT ALL, was this her first time or had she even been having sex before this?  This is serious, at this rate she could end up pregnant by 15.  She needs to be educated on why this is risky and irresponsible behavior.  Make sure she is on board with birth control.

No, this was her first time. I told her she can't have sex till she gets legal here which is 16 and that I will monitor her till then but I don't know if I can actually stop her from having sex. I told her about birth control and to tell me if she ever meets anyone she likes because I will find out anyway and it won't end well.

My daughter listens to me because she knows how I can be, so hopefully she understands the situation. I just don't want her to do anything behind my back. 

[glows]

I would still take her to see a doctor and be screened for STDs, explain what these are and there is no cure for some. She can’t be expected to be careful if she doesn’t know what the dangers are. And if she does it will help coming from you and seeing how you deal with situations like this. I think you’re handling this very well especially in involving his parents but the main concern is your daughter. 

[Els]

4 hours ago, Cherry01 said:

I would consider it if they kept having sex, but right now I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. 

This is ridiculous. 18 is not too young to know that you can't have sex with a 13-year-old. We're not talking about a 18-yo and a 17-yo, or a 14-yo and a 13-yo, which can be grey areas in some jurisdictions... we're talking about a grown adult having sex with a child who has literally just been through puberty a couple of years ago. This rapist preyed on your daughter, is probably grooming her for all you know, and you are letting him go scot free??? He is absolutely old enough to know that what he did was wrong, and when your daughter grows up I guarantee you that she will ask herself why her mother didn't care.

If you can't look out for your daughter, then at the very least inform people who can. Where is the father?

[Cherry01]

3 minutes ago, Els said:

This is ridiculous. 18 is not too young to know that you can't have sex with a 13-year-old. We're not talking about a 18-yo and a 17-yo, or a 14-yo and a 13-yo, which can be grey areas in some jurisdictions... we're talking about a grown adult having sex with a child who has literally just been through puberty a couple of years ago. This rapist preyed on your daughter, is probably grooming her for all you know, and you are letting him go scot free??? He is absolutely old enough to know that what he did was wrong, and when your daughter grows up I guarantee you that she will ask herself why her mother didn't care.

If you can't look out for your daughter, then at the very least inform people who can. Where is the father?

I disagree. 18 year old is NOT a grown man. They are a teenager too and I think it's also ridiculous to think he is the same as some 30 year old wanting sex with a kid but I do understand that he has the power advantage here. I wonder if you would call an 18 year old girl in this position the same. 

I am not letting him Scott free, I let him know I dissaprove, and threatened to make it known which would end badly for him. My daughter was not raped, but she consented to it. I know legally it would be considered statutory rape, but to me it didn't seem as bad. 

Her father is out of her life, living in a different country, I am divorced.

[Els]

5 minutes ago, Cherry01 said:

I wonder if you would call an 18 year old girl in this position the same.

Yes, absolutely a 18-yo woman having sex with a 13-yo boy would be the same. Is that an actual question?

Quote

I am not letting him Scott free, I let him know I dissaprove, and threatened to make it known which would end badly for him. My daughter was not raped, but she consented to it

She is 13. She is not anywhere NEAR the age of consent in ANY jurisdiction. She is not able to give consent. This person is 5 years older than her, nearly 1.5 times her age.

Quote

I know legally it would be considered statutory rape, but to me it didn't seem as bad. 

Are you serious right now? How do you know what your daughter's "relationship" is with this adult man? Do you know what he's saying to her, to get her to acquiesce to having sex with him? Are you familiar with what grooming actually is???

If you let him go, he is going to keep trying, over and over, because this enables him to believe that he can get away with it. And the victims can include, but might not be limited to, your daughter. Have you read about the sort of trauma that people suffer throughout their lives, because they were sexually groomed by a person they knew, when they were children? Especially when their parents knew and didn't care?

Edited August 20, 2023 by Els

[Cherry01]

3 minutes ago, Els said:

Yes, absolutely a 18-yo woman having sex with a 13-yo boy would be the same. Is that an actual question?

She is 13. She is not anywhere NEAR the age of consent in ANY jurisdiction. She is not able to give consent. This person is 5 years older than her, nearly 1.5 times her age.

Are you serious right now? How do you know what your daughter's "relationship" is with this adult man? Do you know what he's saying to her, to get her to acquiesce to having sex with him? Are you familiar with what grooming actually is???

If you let him go, he is going to keep trying, over and over, because this enables him to believe that he can get away with it. And the victims can include, but might not be limited to, your daughter. Have you read about the sort of trauma that people suffer throughout their lives, because they were sexually groomed by a person they knew, when they were children? Especially when their parents knew and didn't care?

I trust my daughter who told me that she doesn't regret it and is fine. I know how teenagers can be and she in no doubt was attracted to him. This is not much different than a 14 or 15 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. 

And in regards to your first comment. I saw few users on here trying to defend "adult" women preying on boys with far more ridiculous excuses. In fact there was a similar thread to mine a while ago. 

 

[Kassieee]

19 minutes ago, Cherry01 said:

I disagree. 18 year old is NOT a grown man. They are a teenager too and I think it's also ridiculous to think he is the same as some 30 year old wanting sex with a kid but I do understand that he has the power advantage here. I wonder if you would call an 18 year old girl in this position the same. 

I am not letting him Scott free, I let him know I dissaprove, and threatened to make it known which would end badly for him. My daughter was not raped, but she consented to it. I know legally it would be considered statutory rape, but to me it didn't seem as bad. 

Her father is out of her life, living in a different country, I am divorced.

An 18 year old knows right from wrong. When I was in my teens I purposely did stuff I knew I shouldn't have because I knew I would get more slack for being young. I wouldn't do things like him but don't get twisted......an 18 year old knows better.

An 18 year old desiring a 13 year old......? Is she even in highschool yet. 

[BrinnM]

I find 13 way too young to have sex in general, but whatever…..what happened, happened. I’m glad she’s open & honest with you so that you can guide her through this. Definitely get her on BC pronto.

Other than that, I am not sure what you’re asking exactly. You can’t reverse what happened. I would probably speak to the neighbors/parents, though.

[Cherry01]

2 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I find 13 way too young to have sex in general, but whatever…..what happened, happened. I’m glad she’s open & honest with you so that you can guide her through this. Definitely get her on BC pronto.

Other than that, I am not sure what you’re asking exactly. You can’t reverse what happened. I would probably speak to the neighbors/parents, though.

Yes, I am thinking of telling the parents now to ensure it won't happen again. I am sure they'll take care of it. 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Cherry01 said:

 I will monitor her till then but I don't know if I can actually stop her from having sex.

No, you cannot stop her.  That's the reality.  Teenagers are going to do what they're going to do.

What you really need to do is make sure she is educated about birth control, drill it into her brain, take her to the doctor and go over it.  Because when she continues to have sex, and I promise you she will, she needs to be on BIRTH CONTROL so she does not end up pregnant at 15 or 16.

 

[Cherry01]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

No, you cannot stop her.  That's the reality.  Teenagers are going to do what they're going to do.

What you really need to do is make sure she is educated about birth control, drill it into her brain, take her to the doctor and go over it.  Because when she continues to have sex, and I promise you she will, she needs to be on BIRTH CONTROL so she does not end up pregnant at 15 or 16.

 

Agreed. I just hope she'll wait. It's making me uncomfortable despite knowing how teenagers are. 

[MsJayne]

At 13 years old your daughter is still a child, far too young and immature to know what love is and whether she genuinely wants to have sex with someone. Still a child legally and also developmentally, and that makes the neighbour a specific type of sex predator.  Years ago a friend of of mine had the exact same situation, (daughter was 14 and the guy 19, so same age difference), and her attitude was much the same as yours except she was too gutless to even go and tell the guy's parents, even after I pointed out that today he was raping a 14 year old, but his next "girlfriend" might be a 12 year old. She decided against doing anything at all, because she was worried that making a fuss would humiliate her daughter and make it a bigger deal than it was. Two things, one was that her daughter ended up being very promiscuous and drinking heavily, (the two often go together), and the other was that at the age of 21 her daughter accused her of being an irresponsible parent and expressed her rage at the way her mother effectively failed to protect her. The daughter is now almost 30 and their relationship is still fractured. Anyway, my point is that your daughter is way too young to make a judgment about who she wanted to give her virginity to, and way too young to navigate an adult-type relationship. It was your job to protect her from people like your creepy neighbour, so the very least you can do is tell his parents so they can have a chat with him about statutory rape and grooming children for sex. Considering this creep has stolen your little girl's innocence and preyed on her vulnerability, you don't seem all that concerned. Like my friend, you seem more concerned with not making any waves. There's certain things that are a given with parenthood, and protecting your children from predators is one of them.  Apologies if I sound judgmental, but letting a sex offender get away with raping a child smacks of child neglect.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cherry01 said:

Agreed. I just hope she'll wait. It's making me uncomfortable despite knowing how teenagers are. 

Please take her to a physician. She needs an exam and tests.  This is a neutral nonemotionally-charged setting to address what happened. She will be able to talk to any healthcare provider privately and confidentiality. 

She may also receive education about STD and pregnancy prevention.  Unfortunately you can't keep teens on a leash 24/7. So her being armed with appropriate knowledge is important.

Teens can get a ton of inaccurate myths on the internet and are also simultaneously quite curious as well as subjected to peer pressure.

It's great she can come to you and talk, so focus on nonjudgmental communication. 

[Lisa]

This thread and a following one have been merged, cleaned up and closed.  

Edited August 21, 2023 by Lisa

[Esteban]

On the thread that you made recently that was closed by moderators before I saw it, I do think people were attacking you in a way that would likely not make you open to their arguments, which I think was counter productive on their part. That being said, although they didn´t express themselves in the most polite way in my view, I do think some of these arguments are worth careful consideration.

I think you need to stop thinking of your daughter as having "had sex". It may be more appropriate, as difficult as it is to accept, to think of her as having been raped. That is probably true in a legal sense. Of course, it´s true that underage teenagers have sex with older men and never regret it. But the possibility for harm seems to outweigh the possibility for any benefit.

I would stop the relationship. First, telling the parents and the 18 year old directly. If anything bad happens in the future, it will be used against you that you didn´t mention it. If that doesn´t stop the relationship, I might even consider making it more widely known because the shaming could have a factor in stopping the relationship, although that is a step to be taking lightly.

Why not make the police aware of what´s going on. You can say that you don´t want to press charges, but it can´t hurt to do perhaps? You could even ask the police to go and visit him - might make him think.

I hope you get this sorted. This is a very difficult situation.