Blast from the Past

[trearful329]

I was single for a year and a half before someone from my past reached out. He was my high school sweetheart. We were together from my junior year until a year after my senior year.

I'm not sure if I did the right thing. It's been 14 years since I have even talked to him. We were young and dumb. We did everything together. But the kicker was ever since I was 16 I have been working. After school and on weekends I would work. I was a goodie, had good grades, and kept a low profile.

He, on the other hand, was a dropout and did not work at all. But yet I just knew that He had so much potential, and I was in love with him. We broke up once. I even moved 6 hours away. 6 months go by and he says he misses me and is willing to move to me. Of course, I jumped on that like white on rice. Again, I was 20 and thought that his having a job for 4 months proved to me that he had changed.

Of course, I asked him to move in with me to my first apartment. Little did I know how hard it was going to be. I was working full-time and donating plasma. He said he was trying to find work. But he did not have a driver's license and had to walk everywhere. He did not find work.

About 5 months into his move-in with me, we talked about moving back to the previous place. I was willing but not wanting to. He said he would be able to find work faster there.  He calls his mom to get him and take him home. He said we can do the long-distance thing until I can move there. Of course that did not happen. It was not very long after he left, he messages me telling me that it would be better if we did not see each other anymore.

My heart was once again broken. Well after 14 years… We started talking in April.... he came to see me 3 weekends ago. He brought his two kids. Come to find out he still doesn't work full time, he has only been at this job 3 years, still doesn't have his license, and is living with his mom and sharing a bedroom with his two boys. Which do you gotta do, but I am 35 and he is 37.

 I found this all out after he asked if we can be in an official long-distance relationship I said yes let's give it a try. Now he is talking about making a move again with his children.

I am so lost and confused. Having his attention and feeling the feelings I felt when I was 17 again was unbelievable but now the reality of my life is causing me to second guess everything. My head is telling me that this is not going to end well. I know that if he moves down here he will expect us to move in together.

What if that is just an excuse to leave his mother's house? Am I stressing about this too much or should I see how it goes?

Edited August 18, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[MsJayne]

It's a big worry that his work history is so bad, particularly so given that you're the opposite. It won't be just a relationship with him, it will be with his boys too, are you ready and willing for that commitment? Can you have a talk to him about what the future expectations might be? I'd also want to know why he broke up with the mother of his kids, because if it had anything to do with him lacking ambition and the motivation to provide that is a serious consideration for you. I get that you love the guy, but a partner who doesn't drive and isn't fond of holding down a job, (without a good reason, like for instance a disability), is a big risk for someone who has the kind of work ethic that you do. I would have the talk with him, find out how he envisions a future for the two of you, and whether that future involves all the things that you see for yourself. If he and his children lived with you how is he going to support himself and two kids, or might he be hoping you'll take care of that?  

[trearful329]

MsJayne, 

Thank you for getting back to me. I thought I have made such growth since I was 20,  but it comes to find out I haven't made much growth. I do need to talk to him about all my concerns and what our expectations are for the future. I love kids. I haven't been blessed with any of my own. That is what I am scared of most. What if he is looking for someone to provide love to which I am willing but I know that once I build any kind of relationship with them it will be hard for me to leave the relationship? 

[MsJayne]

1 minute ago, trearful329 said:

MsJayne, 

Thank you for getting back to me. I thought I have made such growth since I was 20,  but it comes to find out I haven't made much growth. I do need to talk to him about all my concerns and what our expectations are for the future. I love kids. I haven't been blessed with any of my own. That is what I am scared of most. What if he is looking for someone to provide love to which I am willing but I know that once I build any kind of relationship with them it will be hard for me to leave the relationship? 

Yes, absolutely have that talk. When your heart says one thing and your head says another, I say it's always best to listen to the head. He's in a vulnerable position, a single father with two children, living at his mother's house, etc, so I would tread carefully until I was certain that he's acting out of a genuine wish to be with you rather than because you conveniently fit. Maybe the way to go is go ahead and get involved, but don't invite him to live with you until you have solid proof that he's responsible and capable of pulling his weight. That way you can build a relationship with his boys without them becoming over-attached, and then, after a year or so, when you see what the status quo is, make a decision about whether you want to live as a family. The no licence thing would bother me, you don't want to one day find yourself being the family taxi service 😬. 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, trearful329 said:

. My head is telling me that this is not going to end well. 

Please trust your instincts. He is looking for an easy ride. Don't let him move in.

[glows]

It is okay to reminisce and remember the good old days. Most of the time it is best left there. You both sound incompatible.

[basil67]

You say you are wanting to talk with him about your expectations.  I think this would be a big mistake.   Why? I'm sure he'd promise to make the changes needed to be a good partner, and then not deliver.  And when he hasn't delivered, you'd be in deep emotionally and the necessary breakup would really hurt.  

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Don't believe promises of change....because if they really wanted to do it differently, they already would have made the necessary changes. 

[basil67]

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You say you are wanting to talk with him about your expectations.  I think this would be a big mistake.   Why? I'm sure he'd promise to make the changes needed to be a good partner, and then not deliver.  And when he hasn't delivered, you'd be in deep emotionally and the necessary breakup would really hurt.  

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Don't believe promises of change....because if they really wanted to do it differently, they already would have made the necessary changes. 

And may I add, when you realise that he's really not going to change, he and the kids will already be living with you. Then have to deal with the fact you'd be getting rid of them when they have no place to go and insufficient income to support themselves.

You really don't need to go through this

[Will am I]

Uoj had a problem with him being immature and irresponsible back then, and judhing by his situation it still hasn’t changed.

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please trust your instincts. He is looking for an easy ride. Don't let him move in.

100% agree with this.

@trearful329 he hasn't changed since high school.

He's a drop out, can't hold down a job, still lives with his mother and now has 2 kids he obviously can't provide for.

This is the only reason he has contacted you again because he knows he can take advantage of you.

You said it was really bad the last time he moved in so what makes you think this is going to be any better?

It's not, it'll be worse because he comes with 2 children now.

Triple the nightmare.

Please don't let him in. It won't end well.

If you don't mind me asking, have you been in any relationships before or since him?

It just seems like you are spending your life waiting around for him.

[stillafool]

You would think this man would try harder to get his life together since he has 2 kids.  That alone would turn me off.

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, trearful329 said:

My head is telling me that this is not going to end well. I know that if he moves down here he will expect us to move in together. What if that is just an excuse to leave his mother's house? Am I stressing about this too much or should I see how it goes?

People can fall in love with the wrong person. It happens every day. SOMETIMES "following your heart" is actually an epic mistake that can have very serious long term consequences for a person. I'd suggest you think long and hard about those facts before letting this get anywhere. I understand it can be tough to find a "quality man" but he is clearly NOT that and so NOT what you should be looking for if you want to get serious about a relationship.

I'd say follow your head on this one...

[S2B]

Please don’t stop seeing others and don’t allow him to move close to you.

he needs to stabilize his life in a better way for his kids - not you.

and really it’s concerning if he’s close by - he may just mooch off of you.

it appears he may never grow up! Be aware… don’t fall for providing for him as well as yourself! Not to mention his kids!

it’s time to tell him to man up!!! Why can’t he work full time? It makes him look lazy! It’s also likely what ended his marriage.

loving someone is one thing - see him once a month. Providing for him is another. Protect yourself!

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/17/2023 at 5:34 AM, trearful329 said:

I found this all out after he asked if we can be in an official long-distance relationship I said yes let's give it a try.

With all due respect - girl, what the heck were you thinking??? 

You hadn't seen the guy in 14 years and clearly didn't really know much at all about his current lot in life. Why did you agree to anything with him at that stage? Were you partciularly lonely? A few sweet words that made you feel teenage flutters should not be over-riding your common sense. 

On 8/17/2023 at 5:34 AM, trearful329 said:

Am I stressing about this too much or should I see how it goes?

Your gut is screaming at you to get away from him. Don't waste your time talking about expectations. Just end it. This man has never been the type you are looking for, and he is never going to be. He wants to mooch off you, and drag his kids into it. Why did you let them visit? If anything, it should have been just him visiting. His children should not have been part of that. It's not fair to them. 

Please, cut this off. Ask yourself where your standards have gone, OP. This would be a serious downgrade in your life.