I kinda wanna reach out to him. but why?

[Mozzarella_Stick]

So I’m gay and in 2022 I started hooking up with this guy who I’ll just call Bob.

Bob was 33 and I was 20, so obviously there was a big age gap, but I didn’t really care.  In the months leading up to me meeting Bob, he was hooking up with another guy around my age so obviously it wasn’t only me who was interested. 

The first thing I learned about Bob was that he had recently gotten out of a bad relationship, and it had completely torn his life apart.

Basically what happened was that Bob had been dating this guy for 10 years, and things seemed to be going alright, but when they got engaged, this guy started acting very disinterested, both sexually and emotionally, so they agreed to have an open relationship. 

In doing so Bob met this guy who I’ll call Josh. Josh is from New York but lived in Florida when him and Bob had met, and Bob said that he fell madly in love with Josh despite him being nothing more than a hoe on the side, so, he started dating both Josh and the guy from the 10-year-old relationship simultaneously.

This is where things went south because none of these three men were content in being in a three way relationship. So then Josh moved back to New York and Bob dumped his boyfriend of 10 years, leading all three of these men to go their separate ways, and, in turn, it made Bob super depressed and uber obsessed with both men, which became apparent the longer I knew him. They were literally 90% of what he talked about to me for MONTHS.

So in December Bob and I hung out and had sex twice in one sitting, and then a couple days later he told me Josh and him had gotten back together and that Josh would be moving back to Florida to be with him. 

I was hurt and him and I had a lot of long conversations about a lot of different things and we agreed to be friends, although I knew it wasn’t actually going to happen. We continued talking and hung out here and there, before Josh had arrived in Florida. 

So in April I wished Bob a happy 34th birthday and he said thank you and invited me to dinner with him and Josh, so I agreed, but then the actual day of he didn’t message me so I ghosted him and that was the last we ever spoke. 

So I know it’s been months and he has a boyfriend now, but I can’t help but wonder how he’s doing and how he actually feels about me.

I’m not actually gonna unblock him and message him but I’m curious… and more importantly I wanna know why. Why do I care how he’s doing or how he really feels about me? 

Edited August 17, 2023 by Mozzarella_Stick

[Alpacalia]

I love your screen name. One of my favorite foods!

Since Bob invited you out to a dinner date with him and his boyfriend shows that he was still interested in you as a person and wanted to keep you part of his life in some way. While it's totally understandable that you ghosted him after he flaked on you, it could be worth considering that he was likely insecure about his relationship with Josh, and as a result was too scared to keep seeing you.

Despite the age gap and the bad relationship vibes, you both were still willing to try and make it work. With all that taken into consideration, it's probably safe to say that you will always hold a special place in his heart, even if he's in a different relationship now.

Ultimately, the reason you care is because relationships are messy and complex, and they often don't go to plan. It's human nature to want closure and a sense of connection with a person you once shared a special kind of bond with, even if that bond has since been broken.

It's OK to be curious about how he's doing but it's important to accept that you will not be part of his life anymore and you will have to come to terms with that in order to move on.

Obviously you care how he’s doing and how he feels about you because of the mixed emotions you experienced when you were in his life. You had feelings of infatuation, hurt, and possibly rejection which obviously now you’re struggling to make sense of. The truth is that you won’t ever get closure from this situation and you won’t ever really know how he felt about you.

The best thing you can do is to try and move on and make peace with what happened. It’s okay to have questions and wonder but ultimately you have to accept that the situation was out of your control.

[glows]

Do you have an active social life or feel secure and confident even if you don’t and are an introvert?

It’s natural to wonder what others think but don’t become obsessed over matters and opinions that have no effect on your life. Does Bob help make your life any easier? No. Does he mow the lawn or make you coffee? No. Does he pay the bills? No. Is he good company? No. He disappeared the day you were supposed to meet in an interesting three way dinner. 

Be selective about what continues to concern you, what takes up your time etc. 

Edited August 17, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Mozzarella_Stick said:

Why do I care how he’s doing or how he really feels about me? 

Because you're human, you had a crush on him and your ego wanted to know if it was mutual. It hurt you when you realized he was still into Josh and your hook-up was just that: a hook-up. You're still hoping that maybe it meant something more. 

However, it seems you already know that it didn't. It's wise that you're not going to message him again, since there's nothing good that would come of that. How's your dating/love life otherwise? Have you met anyone else? 

 

[JTSW]

All you need to know hun is that he with the man his heart belongs to.

He clearly values you as a friend but not as a romantic acquaintance.

I personally don't think there is any point to reaching out because you may come away from it feeling a little hurt.

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

Please don’t reach out to Bob. Bob has really hurt you!  If you continue to reach out to him, you continue to let Bob know that it’s ok to continue to hurt you. It isn’t. 
 

You need to remember that you met Bob at a time when he was not emotionally available. This has not changed. 
 

I’m not suggesting that Bob is a bad person. But you did meet him at a time when his life was in chaos, and you got caught up in all his mess. 
 

My view is that you are wanting to reach out to Bob because you want to prove to yourself that you matter. To Bob. 
 

However you will not get that reassurance/ validation. All that will happen is that you will get hurt. Again!
 

You do matter but that validation needs to come from within. 
 

Learn from this experience. Never offer yourself to the position of “rebound” or “bit on the side”. Stay away from men whose ex’s are sniffing around and/ or men who clearly have feelings for their ex (exes in this case).
 

Refuse to be anything other than number 1, and the only one in someone’s romantic affections. 

[justwhoiam]

On 8/17/2023 at 4:32 AM, Mozzarella_Stick said:

So in April I wished Bob a happy 34th birthday and he said thank you and invited me to dinner with him and Josh, so I agreed, but then the actual day of he didn’t message me so I ghosted him and that was the last we ever spoke.

As others said, you like(d) him and it bothered you that he resumed a relationship with someone else. But it's quite likely that you keep thinking about him because there might have been a misunderstanding. Just to make it clearer, did you call him on his birthday and - while talking - he invited you to dinner to introduce you to his boyfriend? Did you agree on a specific date and time? Or was it just so to speak, like let's meet up next week?

Ghosting him/blocking him was probably the only thing working for you in this situation. He's older, obsessed with previous men in his life, and probably seeing you just like temporary company.

That said, going steady with a gay man often goes hand in hand with an open relationship, as statistics say that around 50% of gay relationships are open.

[smackie9]

Because it's human nature to desire most what we can't have/out of reach. That's why. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It is quite obvious you still hold feelings.  But I do believe it is best to let things go.  There will never be just You for him and you will be left in the  lurches.  Find someone more deserving.  It is easier than you think.

Edited August 18, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23