ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2023 Posted August 15, 2023 7 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said: He was completely fine! I would have never guessed it I feel like you're (naturally and understandably) too involved to zoom out and see the bigger picture. This was not a balanced relationship, based on your description. He was the one calling the shots the whole time, and staging fights. That's not the behaviour of a man who cares about you the way you cared about him.
stillafool Posted August 15, 2023 Posted August 15, 2023 (edited) 36 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said: I didn't even say anything mean about his mom - I was just expressing how the situation made me fee. I can't help but feel thats what caused this whole thing. Seriously? If you really think that was the cause you're well rid of him. That would mean he was lookiing for any flimsy excuse to break up with you. I still think something else is going on. If the situation with his mom happened months ago why would he just now break up? Edited August 15, 2023 by stillafool
Author californiagirl15 Posted August 15, 2023 Author Posted August 15, 2023 55 minutes ago, stillafool said: Seriously? If you really think that was the cause you're well rid of him. That would mean he was lookiing for any flimsy excuse to break up with you. I still think something else is going on. If the situation with his mom happened months ago why would he just now break up? I'm not sure but that was one of the reasons mentioned alongside with wanting to maintain a vacation with my family! It doesn't make any sense to me either.
stillafool Posted August 15, 2023 Posted August 15, 2023 43 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said: It doesn't make any sense to me either. When people tell you things that don't make sense it's because they are usually lies. When did the break up occur?
Author californiagirl15 Posted August 15, 2023 Author Posted August 15, 2023 8 minutes ago, stillafool said: When people tell you things that don't make sense it's because they are usually lies. When did the break up occur? A little over a week ago
stillafool Posted August 15, 2023 Posted August 15, 2023 11 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said: A little over a week ago You haven't heard anything from him since then?
Author californiagirl15 Posted August 15, 2023 Author Posted August 15, 2023 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: You haven't heard anything from him since then? No I have not heard anything unfortunately
basil67 Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 Now that you realise that his behaviour has not been remotely acceptable, I'm struggling to understand why you want him back or to work on things. This guy doesn't KNOW how to work on things. Obviously you're in shock and this is very normal, but I think it's worth digging down to figure out why you think he'd be a good partner to you. Or father to children
Author californiagirl15 Posted August 16, 2023 Author Posted August 16, 2023 12 minutes ago, basil67 said: Now that you realise that his behaviour has not been remotely acceptable, I'm struggling to understand why you want him back or to work on things. This guy doesn't KNOW how to work on things. Obviously you're in shock and this is very normal, but I think it's worth digging down to figure out why you think he'd be a good partner to you. Or father to children Thank you - I know definitely. It's mostly just disbelief at this is how it ended up since it was very very out of character from how I've known him. I can't imagine those types of arguments being the straw that breaks the camels back in a relationship. The fact that he showed up at my door with my bags already packed is starting to showcase the only closure I need. It just hurts
basil67 Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 2 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said: Thank you - I know definitely. It's mostly just disbelief at this is how it ended up since it was very very out of character from how I've known him. I can't imagine those types of arguments being the straw that breaks the camels back in a relationship. The fact that he showed up at my door with my bags already packed is starting to showcase the only closure I need. It just hurts Well yes, these arguments ended the relationship because you dared to say No and he can't deal with having a partner stand up to him. The reason you're not understanding it is because you're comparing him to a regular, reasonable person. 1
glows Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 Part of the issue is he sees these differences as incompatibilities and while you’re comfortable with disagreements in a relationship and communicating, he hasn’t felt the same way. Maybe you’re correct about his anxiety when it comes to disagreements but the fact is he doesn’t sound like he was ever fully 100% comfortable around you unfortunately. You have completely been transparent and fine with expressing yourself but he was never that ok with that. That this man had the wherewithal to pack your things and deliver it to you in person and seek to remove you from his life makes it very clear to me he’s thought this through and this wasn’t a mistake or a decision made lightly. There were just too many incompatibilities. 1
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 From where I Sit, It appears he is not willing to compromise in your relationship and it has been building up for awhile. Vacations, etc and all of That, Is only a tip of the icing to his no Take Cake but also it IS------Moving in together and having real strings attached. Her doesn't want anything to change in his life. He and his anxiety do not want it and this is his reason as well for breaking off with you. Sure, He could change his mind but I would never trust him again. He is set in his ways. Let him go and focus on you and next Year, Find someone who is more like yourself. This guy is not the One, hun. Huggggs.
JTSW Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 The more I read, the more I think there was allot more to this than time with parent's. I think he had been planning to break up for a long time. He's just been going through the motions as normal with you until he found an excuse to put the break up in motion. OP, don't waste anymore of your time wondering about it because it's not going to get you anywhere. He is a clear narcissist and he will never change the way he is. You just need to let it go and move on. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2023 Posted August 16, 2023 11 hours ago, californiagirl15 said: It doesn't make any sense to me either. That's almost always because you're not getting the whole truth. 1
ChatroomHero Posted August 23, 2023 Posted August 23, 2023 I am going through something similar. Perfect relationship for 5 months, never fought, never argued, I loved her, she loved me. Several people told me how into me she was after talking with her at parties, etc. Not one sign, even looking back, there was any issue. She backed away on the communication a bit, said she was stressed and needed understanding but would not say what it was. I gave a little space and boom, a few days after saying she loved me a last time in text, it was like, "We were never close, none of it mattered, I don't want to see you again" over a simple misunderstanding that she got unusually mad over. I can only rationalize it one way...it's something else, it's on her and nothing I can do. For me it hurts because she went from probably the nicest, kindest, sweetest person I knew to the most cruel hearted person I know, overnight. Because her reaction was not rational, I won't ever be able to rationalize it. So I agree, you are not getting the whole truth. I know it's hard because you know if he told the truth, no matter how bad, it would be the easiest thing for both of you and least messy. For me, I just kinda checked out and I am trying to pretend she doesn't exist and resigned to she's not being rational so there is not point in trying to rationalize it. It hurts, but any true reason won't really make it hurt less.
Samantha11 Posted August 23, 2023 Posted August 23, 2023 On 8/15/2023 at 2:38 PM, californiagirl15 said: i think i'm just searching for something to make this make sense, i dont understand how someone can have an argument that came to a resolution/apologies months ago be the random cause of a break up when everything was fine just hours before Yeah, I hear you. We always want it to make sense. It helps when it makes sense. It sure does for me. I don't think everything was "just fine" hours before. I don't know what he was thinking, but you did mention disagreeing a lot, and that tells me that you seem to have had issues with him too, so I don't think you were entirely ok with him from your end. But I don't know, that is just my read on a brief online post. You know more than I do, and I agree no relationship is perfect. Every relationship has its issues. I know it stinks to be dumped like that, and I wish I had the answers, but it sounds like you are better off without him mainly because he dumped you virtually out of nowhere, without any communication around it. The lack of communication is my big red flag. You want someone you can communicate with, not someone who just makes decisions and there it is - deal with it. No thanks. Relationship issues can actually be a catalyst to bring people closer together and better understand one another, if they are willing to communicate well. If you are with someone who is resistant to that, I would be cautious. Relationship means the ability to get to know another person intimately - shutting off that level of communication is shutting off any real level of relationship, imo.
Lubecke Posted August 24, 2023 Posted August 24, 2023 I’m sorry you’re having a tough time but I will agree with everyone on here. The fact he already had your things packed to give you means he had already had time to process the end of the relationship. Usually dumpers have that time frame where they grieve the end of the relationship before the dumpee has a chance to process, which is why it’s so painful to go through. I say stick to NC, let him feel the loss of you. And work on mentally processing it and reaching out for support. He is def selfish and you don’t deserve that in your life.
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